Advice

SciChick · May 2014

I'm not going to go into all of the details here, besides being wary of posting too many private details that can later be Googled, this would end up an incredibly long post and I don't want to do that to anyone here. That being said DH and I are having a really tough time coming together after the birth of our baby. We come from very different backgrounds both religiously and culturally. Before I thought we did a pretty good job of respecting each other's backgrounds and embracing both in our home. But now he doesn't seem to want to do that anymore and we argue all the time. What's worse is that he just doesn't seem all that into compromising or finding a middle ground where we both can be happy. He seems to think his way is the right way and that's it. It results in me feeling like I am constantly watched, nitpicked, and feeling very much alone. We both love our little one very much and I know that what he is doing is in his mind his way to protect her from the things he sees in American culture that are not good. But I can't continue to be disrespected and feel like he's trying to push me out of decisions. Yes, I know it's not good what is happening. I know it needs to change. We have talked about this a lot. But it's starting to slip back into that and what I don't know is what to do about it.

ProfessorPedals825 · May 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice but wanted to offer some hugs.

chloebeth930 · May 2014

I would say go to counseling. DH and I have gone in the past and it saved our marriage. We have recently hit a rough patch and decided to go back again, and it is helping.

I want to play the devil's advocate here because this is something I struggle with. I often feel that I am being watched, nit-picked, like I am being judged, that I am doing things wrong, and when I step back and look at things it is because I often lose confidence in myself as a mother. It doesn't seem like that is 100% what is going on in your situation, but I think some honest communication between you and your DH can hopefully flush out some of these issues.

Best of luck. Marriage struggles often amplify due to the stress of caring for a baby. Trust me when I say this, you are not alone.

SciChick · May 2014

Thank you both. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Yes, counseling would be great. In the past I have asked him to go to work on our communication, before things got so bad, and he just won't. I suppose it would be worth bringing up again and maybe I'll get a different answer.

HoolahZinger · May 2014

Big hugs. I, too, suggest counseling. I hope you both can come to an agreement soon.

srcr2011 · May 2014

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that would be. I only have big ((hugs)) and as PP, maybe counseling. I hope you can work through this together.

SciChick · May 2014

expatmama said:

Hugs… Our family is also multicultural and I found with the birth of DS1 we had to negotiate a lot of things we thought we had resolved due to new cultural expectations. It's been tough, but it is getting slowly better now that we are not in the first year of parenting and we can relax a bit more.

But we have both had to compromise, talk a lot of things thru, and accept that we will do things differently, but still show a united front.

We did have some counseling to have neutral ground to discuss some of the issues we often fought about, which helped.

It's nice to hear an example of where it may start to even out. I hope we will too. I agree we need counseling. I don't know how to get him there. He's very stubborn and says as much. My previously open minded, easy going husband has morphed into someone who believes that if he gives in a little bit that he's somehow depriving our child of his heritage and/or doing something wrong. He's not getting yet that in the process he's depriving me of my opportunity to share very important things with my child. In the beginning I tried to work things so we discussed everything and were united on all things. Now, I kind of feel like if it's not a crucial matter then we can both do it our own way and in that way she can have exposure to both cultures. I also feel caught in the middle with my family. Sometimes I feel like everyone doesn't get that she's got two backgrounds. They see my husband pulling so much in the direction of his culture and so they want to pull in the direction of mine and I am exhausted from it and from having a family that previously got along great to a divided one. My hope is that in time it will ease up. He did make Mother's Day special for me and normally isn't really into holidays so I appreciated that effort. I do wish the rift with my family would mend, though. Then I think I would be ok with the direction we are going. As yet, I haven't been able to help make that happen and it makes me sad.

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