Dealing with a friend's loss. I'm a wreck.

Dawn5481 · May 2014

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with my first child. My friend and co-worker has been one week ahead of me. Historically, she has two beautiful children and one angel baby in between. Anyway, last week she went in for a routine check and they couldn't find a heartbeat. Multiple scans showed fetal death and she had a 10 hour labor to deliver him. Amino and placental testing show nothing....just a random loss. Needless to say, I'm horrified and not handling this well. Crying fits, sadness, anger, fear for my own child, horrible nightmares. My own 24 week checkup yesterday was perfect but every time the baby stops moving for an hour, I panic. I've been in contact with my friend everyday, and she's doing as good as can be expected. She even wants to come back to work Friday. I don't know how I should act around her. I'm doing my best to be supportive without showing how much of a hot mess I am. I also have almost a survivor's guilt and feel I shouldn't show any excitement about my own pregnancy anymore. She stopped in to pick up her paycheck on Monday and I found myself trying to hide my belly. I guess I just need some support and advice for this whole terrible situation. Thanks in advance.

rmpar29 · May 2014

I'm so sorry that you and your friend are going through this. My cousin and I were pregnant the same time and she lost her baby at 12 weeks and I felt the same way that you are feeling. All I can say is to be conscious of her feelings and try not to talk about your pregnancy when she is around. If she asks how you are doing, give her the cliff notes version and leave it at that. Just try to be as sensitive as possible when she's around.

As for your stress, I cannot even imagine how hard this is for you. The best advice I can give is to relax as much as possible and remind yourself that your pregnancy is not hers. Many ((((((HUGS)))))) and good luck!

Dawn5481 · May 2014

Thank you. I've been focusing on her for the past week. If someone posts something on Facebook about me or what not, I try to block her from seeing it, etc. I'm just walking on egg shells and doing daily check ins with her (via text because I'm afraid I'll cry on the phone). I know the stress I'm putting on myself isn't good for the baby.

DenaMaree · May 2014

You are a wonderful person and a wonderful friend! Continue to be who you are and provide the love and support that you are! I'm in your friends shoe's!! My Bestie and I did our pregnancy tests together, got the exciting news we were expecting together, and had due dates within three days of one another. Our ultraounds were five days separate from one another, mine being first. My triplets didn't have heartbeats, where her baby's was strong and she is having a healthy and good pregnancy. I have moments of envy, but we've really been experiencing her pregnancy together. In our situation we talk a lot on the phone so I would imagine if she notices I am having a tough or emotional day she probably does avoid me, but because she is a great friend to me I try my hardest to reassure her constantly how happy I am for her and that I don't want her to fade away or leave me out. I would give it some time, give her a chance to reach out to you when she is ready, and let her make the decision on how involved she is willing to be. For me I would have wanted everything to be normal at work! With my bestie I had seen the progress of our belly's growing together so to continue to see her belly growing, even though mine isn't, was actually more natural and easier then seeing pregnant strangers. Be her strength and shoulder when she needs it. God Bless you and your Friend!!

Dawn5481 · May 2014

@DenaMaree‌ -So sorry for your loss

My friend has been reaching out to me, and I'm thankful. Thankful for her trust in me and also that she isn't shunning me. She is focusing on her other children which I think is exactly what she needs to do. I tell her to squeeze the shit out of them every night.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Wow, I am so sorry for your friend's loss, and that you are experiencing these feelings. I had a moment like that last week myself, when a coworker miscarried and she was about a week and a half ahead of me. I don't know her that well though, so I wasn't able to be supportive the way you are. I think you're handling this so well, checking in with your friend daily like you are, and she's probably so grateful.

I understand the fear this puts on you that something similar will happen, but just remember your pregnancy is not hers. They are completely different, and yours is not guaranteed to have the same sad outcome. The randomness of your friend's loss is scary, and it just goes to show we can never feel truly safe being PGAL, but good advice I've received is just to take it one day at a time. Know that today, you are pregnant, and continue to be there for your friend who no longer is. ((Hugs)) to you!

JessicaG220 · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. And I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now. I admire you for being so supportive of your friend. I understand how your friend feels. I was pregnant at the same time as my good friend and coworker and I lost my daughter. It was extremely difficult for me to stay in contact with her. I was (and am) SO envious that her baby girl is here with her, while ours is watching over us.

Try to remember her pregnancy and outcome have no impact on yours. I know that's difficult, but for your well being and your baby's, it's best. Hang in there. Sending you and your friend lots of hugs!!!

psychmajormom · May 2014

I have no advice I will keep you and. Your friend in my T&P

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