Parent War! What would you do???

SuperFreakedFirstTimer · May 2014

Just wondering how others would deal with this particular situation.

My parents were married for 26 years before my dad decided he was bored and moved on with a family friend of ours. Obviously, that was a hard thing to deal with but it's been about 6 years now and since, my mom has talked to and been around my dad and his wife numerous times (wedding included).

Currently my mom and 4 of my best friends are all throwing me a baby shower in October of this year and my mom made it a point to say that she wasn't going to invite my dad and his wife. (It will be a "coed" shower).

My mom is still good with my dad's entire family so all of his family and my moms will be there, so no...i'm not going to have a separate shower JUST for my dad and his wife to attend. I'd really like my dad it be at my one and only baby shower, but I can tell it bothers my mom.

Her outlook is that she's taking lead in throwing this and doesn't want him to benefit from her hard work AND my grandmother (mom's mom) isn't a fan of my dad for obvious reasons and my own mom doesn't want my grandmother to feel uncomfortable.

It's stupid lol. MY personal outlook is that it's being thrown for ME and MY child, but I hate to ruffle feathers, so I just wonder what others think

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

I mean-- it's your dad.

If you are doing a co-ed shower I think it would be strange for him not to be there, regardless of the situation (although I totally understand awkward divorced parents situations).

What is your relationship with your dad's SO? Are you on good terms? Bad terms? That to me would dictate if she also gets an invite (along with your dad).

It's a tough situation, but I think if you want him there, your mom might have to suck it up for a few hours. I think she will come out looking like a really classy lady if she can pull it off.

SuperFreakedFirstTimer · May 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

I mean-- it's your dad.

If you are doing a co-ed shower I think it would be strange for him not to be there, regardless of the situation (although I totally understand awkward divorced parents situations).

What is your relationship with your dad's SO? Are you on good terms? Bad terms? That to me would dictate if she also gets an invite (along with your dad).

It's a tough situation, but I think if you want him there, your mom might have to suck it up for a few hours. I think she will come out looking like a really classy lady if she can pull it off.

It's obviously not always been great, but now (even though it's a little bothering sometimes)...it's pretty good overall. My mom has even hung out with the two of them and discussed things from time to time. I know it bothers her too to an extent, but...i'm with you. I feel like it's weird and kinda rude to ONLY exclude him.

She's always sucked it up and been the classy lady about it so I'm hoping this time she can do it once more lol

ccam · May 2014

For a co-ed shower where all of your Dad's family will be invited - yes, I think it's weird that your father and his wife will be the only ones left out. I think your mom should suck it up for a few hours and invite them. It sounds like there will be plenty of other people for your Mom and Grandmother to talk to, it's not like they'll be sitting next to your dad the whole time.

neverblushed · May 2014

Ditto the idea that it will be very weird and possibly very hurtful if your dad and his wife are not invited, but other relatives on his side are there. Here's what I would say:

"Mom, I am really grateful for your hard work on my shower. However, I feel very uncomfortable knowing that all my Dad's side of the family will be invited except for him and his wife. If he is excluded, he could potentially think that I did not want him there. There will be no way for me to gracefully and politely clarify this to him without making you look petty and unkind. It is your choice because you are the co-hostess, but I am going to mention my wish that Dad and his wife be invited and then leave the ball in your court."

Hopefully this will help your mom realize that, by not inviting your dad to the shower, she is being very selfish. The day is about you, not about her. If she still insists on excluding him, you will have to call him and explain and apologize so that it's clear that the snub was from your mom, not you.

dufferoo · May 2014

Yeah, it's your shower, but if it's going to make the hostess extremely uncomfortable, I'd let it go. It's not like going to their daughters' showers is some age-old Big Grandpa Moment, you know? I'd feel differently if it were the grandma-to-be being potentially excluded.

wildbutterfli2001 · May 2014

Gotta say this is for you and your child. Your mom should know going in that it's not about her and she may just need to bite her tongue and let this one go. My mom and stepmom HATE eachother but were able to play nice for my bridal shower and baby shower. Your mom should know volunteering for your shower that not inviting your dad my make YOU uncomfortable and that should be the most important in this situation...

SingleMom31 · May 2014

I agree with PP's that inviting your dad's family, but not your dad, is weird. If she's going to insist on excluding him, I think that you have to skip his side of your family too.

winterviolethope · May 2014

It's your mom. You should be able to sit down and have a discussion with her and let her know that you'd like them to be invited.

ArgyleBride · May 2014

To exclude only the two of them is a deliberate snub and will be taken as such. To me, a shower isn't worth starting something like that. I would ask your mom to either do her side only, or everyone. Or no one at all.

EastCoastBride · May 2014

Here's my take- it's fine if she wants to throw a co-ed shower and NOT invite your dad. BUT then she also doesn't get to invite HIS family. It's one or the other. Just a shower for her side or a shower for everyone, including your father. She doesn't get it both ways.

now, the shower is 5 months away, so there is time to talk to her about this. But - I'd stand firm - either she invites him and his family, or she invites no one from his side.

blush64 · May 2014

MrsLee04 said:
At the end of the day, she's the host, so she makes the final call. I agree with you and others that it's weird, but I can't imagine what your mom has been through so I feel for her. If she's throwing an event, she gets to call the shots. The only options you have are to accept or decline.

I agree with this. You can accept or decline the shower. I guess I am not in the majority but I think it would be unfair to ask your mom to suck it up one more time. As OP said the mother has always sucked it up and been the 'classier' one.

Edit Decline the shower. Maybe someone else will throw one. Maybe your mom will ask why. If she does, don't try to force her to invite your dad. Maybe, if she asked you why you declined tell her you would prefer the sides were kept separate so you could celebrate with her and your father without making anyone uncomfortable.

KatFCo · May 2014

I think it's really petty for her to specifically exclude them, and I agree with the above suggestions.

You may also want to push the issue here because if you let her get away with this, there may be more parent wars in your future.

dufferoo · May 2014

KatFCo said:

I think it's really petty for her to specifically exclude them, and I agree with the above suggestions.

You may also want to push the issue here because if you let her get away with this, there may be more parent wars in your future.

The woman's husband of 26 years runs away with a friend of hers, and it's petty for her to not want to invite them back into her home for a party?! I mean, it's awesome that she was able to suck it up for her daughter's wedding, which truly is a big important event, but a silly little shower?? Come on! I know I would have a hard time with that. Yeah, it's a snub, but I'm pretty sure the happy couple will understand where it came from!

KatFCo · May 2014

jociejones said:

KatFCo said:

I think it's really petty for her to specifically exclude them, and I agree with the above suggestions.

You may also want to push the issue here because if you let her get away with this, there may be more parent wars in your future.

The woman's husband of 26 years runs away with a friend of hers, and it's petty for her to not want to invite them back into her home for a party?! I mean, it's awesome that she was able to suck it up for her daughter's wedding, which truly is a big important event, but a silly little shower?? Come on! I know I would have a hard time with that. Yeah, it's a snub, but I'm pretty sure the happy couple will understand where it came from!

Considering they've been in each others' company before and she's inviting everyone else, including his family, yes, it seems a little petty. If it was a recent issue, or if the mother was still having trouble dealing with it, I could understand.

MMason12 · May 2014

ccam said:
For a co-ed shower where all of your Dad's family will be invited - yes, I think it's weird that your father and his wife will be the only ones left out. I think your mom should suck it up for a few hours and invite them. It sounds like there will be plenty of other people for your Mom and Grandmother to talk to, it's not like they'll be sitting next to your dad the whole time.

This is my stance on it too!

Manada · May 2014

I wouldn't expect my mom to invite my dad and his SO to the shower... And my parents have been divorced 30 years.... Honestly, as someone from a divorced family - I can understand that your mom and her fam may just be more comfortable without them there. The atmosphere would just be different with them there, and I can see how the focus could potentially shift from the celebration to observing how your mom, dad and his SO interact with each other and everyone. Personally - I wouldn't want that either.

I'd talk to your dad and explain there is going to be a party, but you would love to celebrate with them separately in some way. They made their choice to leave your mom's side of the extended family, they should recognize that it means they won't always be welcome at family events.

Ceridwen21 · May 2014

Your mom is the host so she gets to decide, and I can totally understand why she doesn't want your dad there.

Why not make it a traditional women-only shower and avoid the problem all together?

I have a great relationship with my dad, but I see no reason why he should have been at my baby shower.

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