HELP, need advice from Moms of boys!

GAPeachTTC · May 2014

We have two adopted children (Boy, 4 and Girl, 2) and one Foster Child (Boy, will be 4 next month). We have had our Foster Child for 2+ years now. It's a long story, but his case is still tied up in the court system. I think his case will be coming to a close soon, though.
My oldest son is in the Autism Spectrum. He receives 44 hours a week of ABA, Speech and OT Therapy. All three children attend pre-school for half a day 5 days a week. My daughter is fine, but my Foster Child has always had some issues with seeking negative attention, and really feels the need to constantly be the center of attention in general. He is frankly jealous of my Autistic Son and all of the therapy he does. It seems like my son constantly has people coming to play with him. I would really like to hire a Nanny, but I can't because my one son is still a Foster Child. If I had a Nanny it would free me up to take him more places and enroll him in sports and such.
Lately, my Foster Son has REALLY begun acting out in pre-school (hitting, pushing, spitting, not listening to the teacher...) it seems to be getting progressively worse. We have tried to give him an incentive to be nice at school with special treats at home. Last week I took him to Chik Fil A (his favorite), because he managed to have 1 good day out of 5. I let him have chicken, ice cream and let him play for a hour and a half in the kids area. Today when I dropped him off, we went over what it means to be "sweet and nice to our friends and teacher". He promised me he was going to have a great day. He did not have a great day... I am worried that he's going to be kicked out of school, and frankly I think about what he will be like at 13 if I can't find a way to get through to him. We already have a lot on our plate with my Autistic Son, sometimes I think it might be better for him and us if we ask for my Foster Son to be moved. I also feel guilty though since we're the only family he knows. He was 18 months when we got him. Is any of this behavior typical for a 4 year old boy??
Thanks for reading, and any input you might have!

brachysira · May 2014

You probably know this better than I would, but I think having someone care about him enough to worry about his behavior, send him to preschool, and wish he could go places is probably about as good as life can get for many foster children. Another home will be a difficult transition and the best case is that they are really good people who can give him more attention, but that is probably not the most likely scenario.

There are probably resources available for foster parents that you can use. If not, perhaps there is another way you can get psychological evaluations and help. I can imagine that changing homes and possibly bad formative experiences can cause behavioral issues that may not be simple to solve, even in the best context.

It's not clear--can a nanny not stay with your adopted son during therapy so that you can get out with your son or both other kids? If no, could a nanny come to your home just to give your son (and separately maybe some time for your daughter) attention at your house? Perhaps the foster care system could provide such a person? Or you might be able to hire a responsible teen, depending on how he behaves. I have a preemie, and many preemies are twins. From this community, many preemies pairs get in-home interventions that don't match, but the twin is still allowed to "play." Can you find out if some time of therapy can include the other children? Perhaps you could get some kind of directive from an evaluation that would require the foster care system to provide someone who could take your child to a supervised playgroup? If he does get kicked out of preschool, perhaps you can at least use that time to spend more time with him and introduce him to more "mom and me" type groups like storytime so that you can get a handle on the situation and perhaps guide him, if that would help. How about playdates?

I do not think the behavior is typical, but it also does not seem extreme. I think you may need some more strategies, and even a parenting book might give you some more ideas. I hope you are able to work with his preschool teachers and learn more about how they handle him and what is going on.

GAPeachTTC · May 2014

Thank you for your response, and not being judgmental! It's just so frustrating, because I've tried every positive reinforcement I can think of to encourage him to be nice at school. I've asked him if his classmates are nice to him, and I keep trying to get him to tell me if he feels angry or sad, but he just can't verbalize his feelings. It's not that we want to have him placed in another home, but I have to take into account if his needs are being met in our home. I guess the reason we keep hanging on is that I honestly feel if I could hire a Nanny and free up some of my time to get my Foster Son in more activities, he would be happier. Most of my friends with children his age already have their children in sports and other activities. When my Adopted Son is at the house receiving therapy, the therapists cannot be alone in the house with him, so I'm literally chained to the house most of the day. If I had a Nanny, she could be chained to the house!

I'm really torn, when we agreed to take my Foster Son, my Adopted son had not been diagnosed with Autism yet, he was diagnosed about three weeks afterwards. I feel torn most of the time, I have been told over and over how critical it is for my Adopted Son to receive all of this therapy before he turns 5. I feel like I have to fully commit to the therapy for him to have a real chance in life. I have adopted this child, and made a life long commitment to him.

I never thought my Foster Son's case would drag out for over 2 years, especially since both of his parents had terminated their rights!I spoke with our Case Worker this evening, and asked her to look into ANY therapy the state might cover. I have been told in the past that the state will not cover behavioral therapy unless he has severe developmental issues, or is mentally challenged.

junebugrbig · May 2014

I had some significant issues with DS during his transition to kindergarten..acting out at school, punching pushing grabbing. We sought out assistance from a counselor to give us some techniques to deal with the prevent the behavior. We also read a lot of books to him dealing with social and behavioral issues so he can relate. Our son just does not handle change and stress well. WE have had to step up reassuring him how much we love him and encourage him as much as possible to work toward building his confidence. While he has improved, we have set backs. We just take things day by day.

I would imagine your foster child probably has similar issues. I would definitely consult a professional for some assistance. You should google transformative parenting and read some of the articles. I have found those to be helpful as well.

dashofreality · May 2014

I know nothing about this situation, but just wanted to throw one idea out. You say that all your kids are in preschool half days. Can you do some of your son's therapy then, which may free you up a bit until you can figure out the nanny situation? I know that therapists often come to my DD's daycare for therapy. But if you are doing 44 hours a week, you might already be doing that, it is seems like a lot.

Best of luck, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

Want a personalized experience?

HELP, need advice from Moms of boys!

Re: HELP, need advice from Moms of boys!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards