csection complications (guilt, having trouble enjoying motherhood)

sugarrush · May 2014

I gave birth via csection (after being induced 18 hours earlier, April 10). My body couldn't dilate so my csection was unexpected. I've wanted to post my birth story but there were so many events that happened that it's too overwhelming to type it all out. Baby is completely healthy but I'm still on the mend. The short of it, I gave birth on a Thursday, discharged Sunday and was rushed back to hospital three days later on a Wednesday with pains worse than labor that was diagnosed as a large blood clot in my uterus that caused my uterus to be infected. I had surgery where they inserted a drain in my uterus to remove the infected blood that pooled and this kept me in hospital another 5 days as well as needing further maintenance when I got home. I finally had the drain removed this past Friday (talk about it being difficult taking care of a newborn while have a large blood bag hanging out of your stomach!!!!) and things seem to be fine now, but I can't get over this terrible fear that something else is going to go wrong. I feel like my body failed me and I missed out on the first days of my little ones life and I'm carrying a lot of guilt over it. My husband and mom were great bringing me the baby back and fourth during my second hospital stay but I don't remember a lot of her first days of life due to all the pain meds. I'm considering going to talk to someone about this, but just wondering if anyone else had csection complications that have altered their feelings early on in motherhood like this.

sugarrush · May 2014

Sorry, I made paragraphs but I typed this from my iPad and for whatever reason it didn't format as I wrote it!

Rrrrrachel · May 2014

All I have are mega hugs. I think talking to someone is a good idea.

nicole mackenzie · May 2014

I'm so sorry! That is a lot to go through! I think it's a great idea to talk to somebody.

Good luck, hugs

MissWhis · May 2014

I'm sorry you went through all that.

I had pregnancy complications, complications during and after my c/s, and my daughter was in the NICU for six days. At the time I was just totally overwhelmed and was kind of on autopilot dealing with everything. It didn't really sink in until we were all home and I had time to process. I felt terribly guilty for the first week - I kept imagining her so tiny and alone in her hospital room. I felt like a shit mom who wasn't tough enough to give my baby all the snuggles she needed and deserved.

Fortunately, those feelings (mostly) went away the longer we were at home and the more time I spent with her. Now our good days and snuggle times far exceed rough start we had.

I think it never hurts to talk to someone! Get all the help you can with this. Recovering from pregnancy, childbirth, surgery, AND being a mom to a newborn is so freaking hard even when everything goes perfectly. Those of us with complications have it even harder. Go easy on yourself and know that it WILL get better, probably sooner than you think. Take care and good luck, mama.

Pandamom416 · May 2014

Huge hugs! Definitely talk to someone.

BR · May 2014

I am so sorry that happened to you. With my first I was on hospital bedrest for weeks, had a c-section, and then complications after my c-section that required me to go back into surgery a few days later. Looking back, I wish I had talked to a professional. I had so much anxiety afterwards & feel now that I had some sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. It's hard enough being a ftm and worrying about everything, but all the stressful events just finally caught up to me after she was born.
Anyway, I hope you can find some peace and big hugs to you. I'm sure you already know this, but you have nothing to feel guilty about!

Mustardseed2007 · May 2014

I did not have an experience like yours, but since I had a suspected accreted placenta, leading up to labor I read a lot of stories about moms with undiagnosed accreta, and reading those many moms talked about actually experiencing PTSD from their birth experience. I don't know if you are experiencing that or not but your experience definitely sounds terribly traumatic. It probably would be good to seek professional counsel.

{{{{{{{{{internet huge for you!!}}}}}}}}}

Eta: typo and wording

Brigie029 · May 2014

So sorry! Wishing you lots of love and prayers.

Bluebird2318 · May 2014

Our situations are different but I went through similar emotions when my daughter was born a couple years ago. She was 11 weeks early (born by c-section) so she went to NICU before I even had a chance to look at her. I had pre-e and was hooked up to magnesium so I didn't even see her the day she was born except through pictures my DH took.

I know what you mean when you say you feel like your body failed you. I felt guilty and cheated out of my birth experience. She came home after 64 days, but my actual mental/emotional healing process lasted for months after that. It does get better with time. Be gentle with yourself and talk to someone about what you are feeling. I didn't see a professional myself (though I do think it's an excellent idea), but I did talk to other preemie/NICU parents often which helped because they all understood where I was coming from when my DH and my family could not.

At the time I really did feel deprived of "motherhood", but looking back on it now I see it as a much more difficult but still precious and valuable experience as a mother. It was not what I expected "motherhood" to be; it had a very different face, but the truth of it was the same. Hugs to you!

fourthnlast · May 2014

So sorry! I think talking to someone would really help. All the hugs for you!!!

sugarrush · May 2014

Thank you for all the words of encouragement and for the personal stories, it really made me feel better and less alone! Each day gets a little better but the heavy burden is still there.

irisheyez7 · May 2014

All I have are big hugs for you! Rest assured, you did a marvelous job creating her and are continuing to do a great job being a mom! If you feel the need to talk to someone to just get somethings off your chest I encourage you to do so! Being a new parent is stressful enough let alone being exacerbated by everything you went through. Huge hugs! You know we are all here for you if you need to vent or let anything out.

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