3 questions in 1.. Looking for honest answers

LindseyLooMagoo · May 2014

I have been getting the itch to have #2 lately. My husband and I always said we wanted 2 kids. Our son is 14 months old right now, while I want to wait for another 6 months at least before trying again I have some concerns and mixed feelings, while I want another child I already have this terribly guilty feeling about having another one, I don't want to take any attention away from spending my time with my amazing little boy and I'm worried that I would regret having another one because of that reason (terrible thought I know) my questions are.. How old was your child when you made the decision to have another kid... Did you deal with the feeling of guilt when you did have another one? How did you get over that What were the bad things and good things about having another baby

brachysira · May 2014

I am pregnant with #2 now, and DD will be 20 months when he is born. I feel like you do, but part of the reason we are doing this is that we want her to not be the only one who has to make end of life decisions for us, carry all the family burdens, fulfill her parents' hopes, etc. DH and I both have one not-awesome sibling each and we wish DD had cousins and great events with her extended family--but she does not. DH has about 100 cousins but his family reunions are coming to an end as everyone grows up and we can invite over 100 people to a birthday party for DD. We don't want every holiday to be her as the center of attention, making the holiday for her parents and grandparents. We want her to be better at sharing. It is going to be hard to juggle two in the early days and I am going to be sad that she might miss toddler gymnastic class or something. I also hate that she may not have as much of a college fund or might not get to have every thing she wants. But in the end, some of this is going to be good for her, and even when it's not, we made the decision that a sibling is better. We might want to have 3, but that would really stretch the finances and I think by the time we are ready, I will be a little bit too old. We'll see.

LisaLisa1980 · May 2014

Well, I only have one... But think about our parents, most of the baby bombers came from 2+ baby household. I wonder why our generation feels more guilt about having babies close in age

brachysira · May 2014

Wrong post.

jnnfrrose6 · May 2014

I asked while in the hospital recovering from my csection how long I would have to wait if I wanted to try for a vbac. We knew before DS was born we would have at least 2 and wanted them closer in age. I figure any "issues" with jealousy from the first kid are easier to deal with because it's not like he'll actually remember being an only child. I've not yet felt guilty about having #2, butch then again, #2 won't be here for 2 more months.

twinkletoes3126 · May 2014

My son is 20 months old and I share the same concerns with you. I have yet to start trying for #2, so we will see if I can get over it

Irishsapphire · May 2014

He was 15 months old. And it was more that I was older at 39 years old. I had my daughter when I was 40 years old.

I love everything about both kids. I will say this though--it is not easy to travel by airplane (double stroller with two car seats). I highly suggest Southwest Airlines (they were kid friendly and kind to me as a mom traveling with two kids). It is going to be easier when they get older. As well, they can team up on me and go into two different directions. I like to joke "Come on little duckies" like they will both follow me as the Mommy Ducky and be well behaved. But it is like a double dose of two toddlers going normally two different directions. And if they get jealous --it is hilarious to see them fighting over a sippy cup. The older one can sometimes be a little rough with the younger one. I wish I had spaced them out and given myself a little more room as a mother.

ashiscute · May 2014

Mine are 19.5 mos apart. I felt guilty my entire pregnancy with DS. I couldn't believe I'd love him as much as I loved DD. And I felt horrible that I would have a new responsibility that wasn't her. Then, DS was born and none of that mattered. She loved him instantly and they are best friends now and it's amazing watching them together. Yes, there are times when I feel guilty that I'm choosing one's needs over the others but it's pretty miniscule compared to the fun of seeing them together.

momofmanyinthemitten · May 2014

ashiscute said:
Mine are 19.5 mos apart. I felt guilty my entire pregnancy with DS. I couldn't believe I'd love him as much as I loved DD. And I felt horrible that I would have a new responsibility that wasn't her. Then, DS was born and none of that mattered. She loved him instantly and they are best friends now and it's amazing watching them together. Yes, there are times when I feel guilty that I'm choosing one's needs over the others but it's pretty miniscule compared to the fun of seeing them together.

This exactly! Mine are 25 mos and 14 mos apart. I thought DD1 would always be my favorite and I'd never love the next babies as much, but it just wasn't true. DS is so much fun and has been able to teach his older sister a thing or two. Life would be so boring if he wasn't around. DD always has a playmate. Now, with DD2, it was easy to add her to the brood. Both kids adore her. Life is chaotic, but much less overwhelming because I didn't have those fears or guilt about having another baby.

spring_time · May 2014

I also struggled with guilty feelings about taking attention away from DS to give to another. I knew it was irrational, since I loved having siblings and never felt deprived, but I just couldn't imagine loving another one as much as I loved him. DH wanted kids close together, but I knew I couldn't handle that. Our children are 3 years apart.

Now, you said you wanted honest answers...it took me awhile to accept DD. She was a very difficult baby that was incredibly attached to me. She cried uncontrollably if she wasn't with me, so others could not really relieve the pressure on me. I resented the fact that she changed our family so much. I resented the fact that I was chained to her while DH and DS had so much freedom to go off and play. I resented the change in my relationship with DS because I couldn't always immediately satisfy his needs, and he drifted towards a stronger bond with DH. I am glad we waited between the time because, to this day, DH still cannot manage both of the kids for a long period of time.y

With all that being said, I cannot imagine our lives without her. We were fortunate that we had very few issues of jealousy with DS. In fact, I was so grateful for him when I was struggling to accept the changes in our family because he loved her unconditionally from the day she was born. They have tons of fun together and nobody can make DD laugh more than DS, and loves to think up more ways to do it. She is slowly growing out of her attachment to me, and her silly personality is starting to shine through which has relieved a ton of pressure. I have finally figured out how to balance time with both of them...DH is still working on that. I love her just as much as DS, but it is a different kind of love more specific to her. Having DD has also shown me a whole new side of DS which has been fun to watch develop.

I will not lie, it has been a difficult transition. We still struggle with it. We wanted 3 kids, and I don't think that is going to happen anymore because the transition from 1 to 2 was difficult for us. However, the concerns I had about not giving DS attention, jealousy, not loving a second as much as a first, etc did not come to fruition.

ETA: I know a ton of people who had very easy transitions from 1 to 2. I have friends who have 4 kids and are thinking of more. Each family is different. Unfortunately, there is no way to know how you will react until that next baby is in the world :-) You adjust, though.

ASmallWonder · May 2014

Read this, repeat it, love it, live it - new babies don't take away love, they only make more. Are there struggles? Sure. But unless you are legitimately ignoring your older child, they won't be permanently ruined by a sibling and you won't miss the one on one time the way you think because 2 on 1 time will become the new norm and you'll embrace it and figure out how to make that just as amazing. And know what else? You'll actually discover you love your older child even more than you thought possible because, like watching your DH be an awesome dad, watching your older child as a big brother/sister is amazing. If having a second baby is something you know you want deep down, know that so many people have done it and for a lot of people, their sibling is one of the most amazing relationships they'll ever have. If you truly aren't sure you want a second, that's obviously fine too but follow your heart and know you can make it work.

mb314 · May 2014

I am pregnant with number 2, and honestly, I don't feel that guilty. I think having siblings is great for kids, and I will still love DS as much as I did before. Yes, he won't be the center of attention any longer, but honestly, I think that will be a good thing for him.

skibunny59 · May 2014

I am 10 weeks pregnant with #2. DD will be just 3 months away from turning 3 when #2 is born.

We never really made a decision of when we would start trying for number 2 we just knew we wanted at least two kids and told ourselves it would happen when it would happen. I never went back on birthcontrol after having DD but I was nursing and didn't get my first pp period until she was almost 1. We did conceive sooner but I miscarried. I'm happy with the age gap. I think it is perfect.

The only thing I feel guilty about is weaning DD. She is very attached to nursing but I have no intention whatsoever to tandem nurse.

emberlee3 · May 2014

DS was a little over 2 yo when I got pregnant with DD. He was almost 3 when she was born.

No, I did not feel guilty at any point. I love my siblings, and I was excited for DS to have a sibling. I felt scared about how I would handle caring for another human being, but never guilty.

I can't think of any bad things about having a second child. I mean, as long as you can afford to clothe, feed, and care for a second child, I really don't see how there would be anything bad about adding to your family. DS adores DD, and she worships him. Her first word was his name. They are so freaking cute together. Yes, they try to kill each other on a daily basis, but they're still really cute.

dufferoo · May 2014

I waited 10 years to have my second, and believe me those guilt feelings don't go away as time goes on. SO, if you know you want a second, you may want to do it sooner rather than later? Totally up to you, but as much as I cherish the years I had to focus on my daughter alone, it was a hard adjustment for us all when baby #2 came along....

*LrCg* · May 2014

I'm pregnant with my 4th and our oldest is 5. One of the most common things people say to me which I find very offensive is "I couldn't have my kids that close together because I want to enjoy each of them on their own." I/we (DH & I) spend a lot of time- together and individual time with each child (we even do special date nights). I have never felt that I missed out on something of the older children's life. In fact, I feel the opposite! For instance, one of the many reasons we wanted our kids back to back was so we didn't miss out on things- example: my oldest has had interest in doing sports- soccer, t-ball, etc. but we've been able to put it off and the reason being is I didn't want to miss out on going to practices/games because of a baby and I certainly didn't think it would be fair to cart a baby around to the practices/games and disturb their sleep pattern. Now next year when my oldest is 6, my youngest will be 1 and the 1 year old will think going will be super fun and we can all go and support each other! DH loves the fact that he gets 3 months off every other year for paternity leave and enjoys that family time (most people get just a few weeks vacation!)! I know I've given my children gifts of a sibling and without siblings, they wouldn't be the people they are today- all are great sharers, compassionate, patient, helpers, great listeners, etc.

MrsStanger · May 2014

We are on #2 DD will be 18MO when this one is born. We would like to have 6 kids and guilt has NEVER been an issue! As parents we learn to cope with what is dealt to us. I agree with PP in that i cant imagine toating an infant around so im hoping that everything falls into place. Dont get me wrong. Im currently still a working mom and hope that i can enjoy our children until they start school. My guilt falls into place when i leave her or pick her up from the sitters and they tell me something new that has happened....Clearly i see both sides of it but am just too excited about adding to the brood to worry...for now

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