Closure/making peace

Mrsmac10210 · May 2014

My first pregnancy, I lost my baby at about 8 weeks in, which is common and normal I've heard too many times. The loss was devastating for our whole family. I got pregnant with my son just 3 months later and today he is 8 months old. What a blessing he is! Wasn't a successful pregnancy supposed to help me get over that loss??? I STILL cry about it all the time. DH tried helping me by giving her a gender and we named her, too. I think that made things worse. My son is amazing and it makes me wonder all the time what "she" would've been like. I'm not dramatic about things ever. Ever. I don't get why I can't just get over this. What would've been her first birthday is coming up on May 10th and I'd really like to do something that might give me closure. Ideas??

BootsOrHearts · May 2014

@Dutchkatie is wise. Create a place where you can go anytime you want to remember or cry or just say hello.

We have a headstone for Harrison, though we never got his remains so nothing is under it but it's got his name and it's somewhere we can go and bring him flowers and say hi.

Can you plant a tree or a flowering bush or make a special place in the garden, something like that?

(((hugs)))

HopingforChange · May 2014

I have spent many days holding my beautiful rainbow and crying over the two siblings she won't meet her on earth, and it has been over two years since my first loss . Your miscarriage is so fresh, and the fact that you have a lovely DS doesn't mean you'll forget the pain of loss. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve when you need to.

FmrAFBrat · May 2014

I'm sorry. I wish the pain would go away but sometimes it lingers and anniversaries are still hard for me 3 years later. I still have scars on my belly from the ordeal that I see everyday. I did buy a Willow Tree ornament to remember her by (& her possible twin...I did find out the gender XX from my medical records..she was normal too) but I don't think I'll ever have closure. I will never really know what exactly happened since my medical care was horrible & she was sent off to a lab and disposed of. I also sometimes leave roses in front of the ER I went to on my due date for my angel(s). I didn't have my boys at that hospital even though several of my cousins and brother were all born there so that's kinda another loss in itself.

KikiCohen · May 2014

(hugs) I don't think it ever really gets easier. I'm so sorry you're struggling.

I lost my first pregnancy when I was almost 13 weeks though the baby stopped growing at just over 9 weeks. I still think about that baby almost every day and wonder what he/she would have been like, what he/she would have looked like, etc. The only thing that has made it less painful for me is to know that without my loss, I wouldn't have DS and I can't imagine life without him.

We planted a flower/bush in memory of our baby. It's called a bleeding heart and that perfectly describes how we feel. When we move, we should be able to dig it up and move it with us.

daisy19782011 · May 2014

I am so sorry, and know exactly what that is like. I had a loss at 20 weeks, and got pregnant 3 months later as well, but I think about my 1st little girl all the time...what would she be like, would she look like my girls, and yes, I cry. I am really struggling with this mother's day b/c I miss her like crazy. I don't know why, but I am having a harder time now than last mothers day. In fact, I am getting a necklace to represent all 3 of my girls for mothers day, and oddly it gives me peace b/c I feel like it is putting it out there and not hiding it. I think what you feel is normal, but I just try to be thankful for my girls every day, and know that my 1st is watching them and protecting them from above.

SciChick · May 2014

I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you are feeling. I don't know if this will help you or not. I had three losses before my little girl was born. The first was just days after my first BFP, the second was the start of the second trimester, and the third was around 7 or 8 weeks. Theoretically it would have been possible to have had the second baby and my daughter but we really wouldn't have been trying at that point if we had a newborn. I cannot imagine my life without my little girl and my heart aches for the other three so it's hard to think about. You know your mind can't go to anyplace there where there wouldn't be sadness. If we had any one of the other babies we wouldn't have our daughter and we can't imagine life without her. If I had been able to have a previous successful pregnancy then I would not have been able to imagine life without those babies either and so I have really just been forced to be at peace with what is because it just isn't an easy situation. I really struggled with this after S was born. Now I just accept that it is how it is and thank God they were able to find out what was wrong and we didn't lose S too. It doesn't mean I love the others any less but there is just nothing I can do or could have done.

HoolahZinger · May 2014

I went into memorializing both of my losses in many ways. I have a lemon and lime tree planted for each, a special wall sconce for each, an ornament and a willow tree loss angel. The heartache will never fully go away (at least that's how it is for me) but I hope you find a way to commemorate your loss and help bring a little bit of healing to your heart. I agree with @nnchant about checking out some therapy. It can be so supportive.

weaslewam · May 2014

You're not wrong for feeling pain. I agree with @ncchnat that you lose the life of who your baby was to become. Your LO doesn't replace your pregnancy that you lost. That's like telling a mother of 2 if one tragically passes away "well at least you have your other one so you should be happy."

There's no magical cure to the pain, and I think we all still hurt from time to time. It gets somewhat easier with time. I'm so sorry you're struggling. It's hard for everyone from time to time.

rlajambe · May 2014

Truthfully, the grief may never truly "go away".

My mom is a nurse and she deals with a lot of end of life patients. She's heard the stories of many loss mothers 50 years after the fact. Her patients lived their lives, had their children, but still talk about their loss babies. They still show the pictures or talk about how they weren't allowed to hold their babies.

It never fully goes away and that's okay.

I try to remember that without losing my two babies, I would never had had my daughter. If we had just had a child, I would have went back on the pill and she would have never existed. We lost Belle and "Casey", so that Abby could live.

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