Older kids present at birth

Robi1 · May 2014

Anyone had their older kids present at the birth of younger siblings? We are trying for #2 and will deliver at a birth center. We'd love to bring #1 with us.. Assuming we get pregnant in the next 6 months, she would be in the 1.5-2 yr range. We would obviously have a caregiver with us specifically to cater to her (I plan for DH and my good friend/doula to both be there, and they can trade off hanging out with her and me if needed).

So, any experiences to share along these lines? Any tips or things to make sure we consider?

marriedinaugust · May 2014

X will be 4.5 when I deliver and I think it would be cool to have him there but I don't think we are going to unless he insists. My MIL should be here to help take care of him and if labor is during the day we will have them in the waiting room at the birth center. I was so in the zone last time that I don't want him to feel neglected or for him to pull me out of the zone. I was very vocal last time and don't want him scared by the moaning/groaning and I also don't want to subconsciously hold back and have it impact my progression. I guess what I'm saying is we are really just going to wait and see what happens.

Brit83 · May 2014

My son will be 29 months when our next baby arrives and my midwife advised against having him there. In her experience she found that toddlers most often got distressed watching mama working hard. A few weeks ago, I was cutting up roasted beets to have with dinner and the red beet juice on my skin was enough for my son to look sad and tell me that "mama's hurt". Couldn't imagine how he would be feeling if he saw how scary the birth tub was after he arrived! I also think it would be really distracting to have him there. He's not a noisy kid, but he talks and I don't want to be pulled out of my focus if he were to call for me or ask what his mama was busy doing.

If he was a little older, would love to have him there, but we're going to have a friend watch him and then bring him back after baby is safely out.

barnwife · May 2014

Well, we have HB. And our older kiddos (we have a 3rd...sorry, not ticker, but S. is 8 mo). have been in the house for the births.

We always have a dedicated caregiver for them. That is, someone specifically for them who is not the doula/DH. I have never had a doula. If I did, I would have someone else for the kiddos. The doula's job is not childcare. It's to support the laboring woman.

And DH, well, he'd better be paying attention to me to.

We have two 18 month gaps. I don't think they would have wanted to be in the room. (When A. was born J. was eating dinner. And when S. was born J. and A. were sleeping.).

Maybe your kiddo is different though.

We just bring them in ASAP after birth.

MandMLeona · May 2014

We had a home birth with my second. My first was 26 months. I couldn't call some one to come and take her fast enough. She is very empathic and gets very upset if someone else is upset. I would start to have a contraction and she would cling to my belly and make it soooo much worse. I couldn't deal with her there. No one else could have kept her away from me if she'd stayed at the house...at least not without locking her in another room which would have caused to her wail and would have effected my ability to relax into my birth.

I'm sure this is a child by child basis, but I was so glad we had someone standing by to take DD out of the house.

This time both girls will be leaving. They both cling to me when I'm ill or in pain, and I pretty much hate to be touched in labor.

I would suggest thinking about how your LO reacts to you being sick and magnify that by 100%. Then decide if that's something you want to deal with in labor.

wifeofadam · May 2014

My midwives advise against it. We've had the kids in the house during births, but always made sure a caregiver was available to take them out of the house as needed. With #3 they left the house and we were lucky with #4 because the labor was so fast that they slept through it. They woke just as DH finished cleaning up the birth pool and they were able to join me in bed to meet their little sister in perfect timing!

*LrCg* · May 2014

This will be our 4th child and we do homebirths. We've always had an open door policy to birth and my midwife has no issues with children being at the birth. I agree with a PP statement that it's probably based on how the child responds to things and how a mother is during labor. I don't scream/moan during labor (I'm just quite) so I was never worried about scaring them. We also never asked anyone to help. My midwife had told us long ago that most (not all) subsequent babies come after bedtime because that's when mothers are most comfortable giving birth because their mind isn't on their other children and honestly for me that has been very accurate. So my only concern for you would be would it be worth it to wake up your child since you're going to a birth center? It maybe best to have someone on call just in case it did happen in the middle of the night to stay home while your child sleeps.

drpayne · May 2014

I imagine it depends on the kid but overall, I don't understand wanting small children there. They really don't understand what's going on and I think for many it would be traumatic for them to see mom so uncomfortable. I'd also prefer to focus on the birth without worrying how/what my other kids are doing.

KatieP71312 · May 2014

Depending on timing our boys will be here - 6 and almost 2. We will have several caregivers here just for them. My oldest is basically insisting on being present. He was in our home when I delivered his brother but not in the room. He was brought into the room immediately after the birth and helped his dad cut the cord. Honestly, there is no memory I hold more dear than watching my son cut his brother's cord with my husband.

I'm open and flexible as to how this birth will work itself out and will carry that intention through. (Today's my EDD).

Robi1 · May 2014

Thanks for all the comments! There's definitely a lot to consider.

*LrCg* - That's so interesting about second babies coming at night - I think Bradley talks about that in his books. We would certainly have a plan in place if I went into labor while she's asleep, and we'd have someone to stay with her, but I think we'd want them to bring her as soon as she woke up if we weren't home yet.

I was also very quiet and composed during my first labor (23 hours of back labor...) and didn't make much/any noise, so I'm not too worried about her being frightened. I'm not adamant about having her there, but I think birth is a special thing for a family, and I think she should be allowed to participate in it, and have some awareness of how babies come into the world, even from a young age. I don't want her to have me disappear for a day or two and then show up out of the blue with a new baby.

I certainly don't need her to be next to me in the room the whole time, but I think it'd be nice for her to be nearby and able to check in with me regularly. I found it pretty easy to chat and socialize in between contractions for the majority of labor.

Obviously, every birth is different, and if it doesn't work out that's fine, but I think it'd be really nice if it works out.

ncbelle · May 2014

I'm pretty against very young children at births. I think it's important to remember that they can't understand what's going on and may be really afraid - and the person they most depend on for comfort is the one who they are afraid for. If I had an older child who wanted to be there - different story. Hanging out in early labor - different story.

I know that my husband - who is very much not squeamish or faint hearted - found my second birth a bit traumatic at the end. Everything was fine but I in no way would have wanted my then 2.5 year old to have been there. And there's no way to predict if you are going to have a super calm birth or one with a little "excitement." And even if everything is calm and "not scary" it doesn't necessarily present that way to a toddler who lacks the ability to intellectually process what's happening.

There's also the factor that's been mentioned that I would find it very distracting to have my small child there. My instinct is to comfort and protect - and if they were clearly upset or even just confused by what was going on, my instinct to want to comfort them is going to inhibit my labor process.

allrightmeow · May 2014

DD is 5 and if she'd like to come we'd let her.

Want a personalized experience?

Older kids present at birth

Re: Older kids present at birth

Choose Another Board

Search Boards