Let's talk Godparents...

melissaquinn106 · May 2014

Let me start off by saying that my husband and I aren't the most religious people in the world. We were both raised catholic but I went to 16 years of catholic school and out of the two of us I definitely have the stronger faith (if you measure that sort of thing). That being said we will baptize the baby and have a christening.

We haven't discussed at length who we will choose for the Godparents, but I have a brother and a sister and am the godmother of my brothers first born. DH only has a sister and we are both the godparents of their first and at this point only child. Also DH's sister lives in GA and we live in NY along with my entire family. In addition, DH's mother passed away a few years back and his father is medium flakey at best.

So now that you have the background, while we haven't decided anything yet, I've assumed we'd pick his sister and my brother. I know that people have different ways of choosing godparents but I think the most fair way to choose is one for me and one for him.

My sister had a meltdown somewhere around week 16 that she should be the godmother and I had to talk her down off a ledge explaining that it wouldn't be fair to DH since he only has a sister.

Now DH's sister is whispering in his eat saying her and her husband should be chosen bc that's what they did with us.

I'm beyond annoyed and getting upset because I was trying to be fair to him and now his nosey pain in the ass sister is trying to take the decision out of my hands again after my sister tried to do the same thing. Ugh... Now my brother prob wouldn't even be pissed about not being a godparent but what about what I want?

Someone help me... Should I just give in to DH bc he has no family and I have a lot, or should I fight for what I want which is one of each?

Ps. Sorry this was super long

littlemissmarla · May 2014

another catholic over here.. i had similar issues.. i have a brother + sis in law (DH and I are godparents to 2 of their kids) and he has 2 brothers (1 has a child but not baptized) .. we ended up just going with my brother + sis in law.. when it comes down to it.. i felt like choosing the people who would be hurt the most had we not chosen them - in reality a god parent really doesn't do much.. it's just the title - at least in all the experience i have had with them. I wouldn't let it stress you out or cause any drama.

If you didn't know the sex, i had a friend who was clever and told her two sisters.. if it's a boy - sister A will be godmother, if it's a girl - sister B .. which kind of took the responsibility away from her having to choose.

good luck with your choice, it may seem like a hard decision, but try to figure out what real role will a god parent play in your child's life.

darkangel42 · May 2014

I'm not even vaguely religious but come from a catholic family (so obviously nothing I do is ever right) and husband is religious from a very religious family (protestant branch of some kind).

We did the logical thing and chose his best friend as godfather then will update that to add in his gf as godmother if/when she becomes wife. My best friend is godmother to the firstborn and her bf is semi-named as godfather til he becomes husband.

Godparent is just a title to us so although my kids have/will have godparents, it's more symbolic and mine/OH's wills have instructions for what to do with the kids if we both die.

Point being, choose what works, not what will keep people happy. If 2 sets of godparents or annoying a sibling or 2 is what works for you, do that. If they're that good a relative, they'll forgive you for not choosing them.

LenaLove · May 2014

DH and I are pretty religious, as are our families. He has 2 sisters, one married, and I have 3 sisters and 3 brothers, some married, some not. We decided to have siblings that are also fairly religious as godparents since it is really a symbolic role.

For DD we chose my sister and my brother as godparents. We intentionally didn't choose a married couple so we could include more siblings, but we told them that we considered their spouses to also be included in the role.

For DS we are going to ask H's sister and another of my brothers. It was a tough decision as my other sisters would also be awesome godmothers. We didn't want to hurt DH's family by not including them again, so that was the basis of our decision.

If we have a third we will be a little stuck as we have two great choices for godmother, but none for godfather.

I think you should choose who you want. It is nice to be able to include both sides of the family. DH and I have several godchildren, but only a couple where we were asked as a couple. We consider them all to be "ours"

TexasGirl81 · May 2014

In my eyes, we've always had in mind whomever was with the most family values. We are catholic as well. In the end you are literally leaving your children with these people to raise while you're no longer around.

Honestly, pick the very first person who comes to mind that you can picture taking care if your babies, and there's your choice. GL dear!

Eta: ahhh! Had to fix you're.

LenaLove · May 2014

TexasGirl81 said:
In my eyes, we've always had in mind whomever was with the most family values. We are catholic as well. In the end you are literally leaving your children with these people to raise while your no longer around.

Honestly, pick the very first person who comes to mind that you can picture taking care if your babies, and there's your choice. GL dear!

Our godparents are not our guardians. The guardians are listed in our will and are different than the godparents. (We are also catholic)

littlemissmarla · May 2014

TexasGirl81 said:

In my eyes, we've always had in mind whomever was with the most family values. We are catholic as well. In the end you are literally leaving your children with these people to raise while your no longer around. Honestly, pick the very first person who comes to mind that you can picture taking care if your babies, and there's your choice. GL dear!

godparents do not have legal rights.. a godparent is there to guide the child throughout their religious upbrining

[Deleted User] · May 2014

It would really bother me that people are essentially campaigning for a role that should be your and your husband's decision only. I'd be tempted not to pick any of them.

We don't do Godparents but since essentially the role of Godparent is to ensure your child's upbringing in the religion should anything happen to you, is there one you would feel would be better suited for that responsibility than the other? That's probably who I'd choose if I had to choose someone. Do you plan on having any more children? Maybe whomever doesn't get chosen this time can be chosen next time. Or like PP said, if your church approves, then have 2 Godmothers. If it's just a symbolic thing I don't see why that would be an issue, but I'm not Catholic.

jnnfrrose6 · May 2014

My father's family is Catholic (I was raised episcopalian but baptized in the Catholic Church). Since i was baptized in their church, I was able to be my cousin's godmother. Both my brother and my other cousin are her godfathers. Is there a reason you can't have more than one, too? FWIW, that cousin is now my son's godmother so we've come full circle. Not sure what we're going to do for this one.

melissaquinn106 · May 2014

I think what bothers me the most about this whole thing is the fact that other people think they should have any say in it at all. I mean I would never EVER say to anyone what my sister and his sister have said to me and DH regarding who we should pick. I mean seriously just back off and let us think about it and choose who we want... I feel like the whole thing is tainted and it makes me not want to pick anyone.

LenaLove · May 2014

It totally sucks that they have made you feel that way. I am grateful that our families respect that it is our decision. They do need to back off and let you make your own decision. Good luck!

TexasGirl81 · May 2014

littlemissmarla said:

TexasGirl81 said:

In my eyes, we've always had in mind whomever was with the most family values. We are catholic as well. In the end you are literally leaving your children with these people to raise while your no longer around.

Honestly, pick the very first person who comes to mind that you can picture taking care if your babies, and there's your choice. GL dear!

godparents do not have legal rights.. a godparent is there to guide the child throughout their religious upbrining

For us, we will be making it legal. I guess in my family we've always done it like that.

pfeilele · May 2014

Do each sister. There's nothing wrong with two godmothers! That's what we might do... Not sure yet. I would definitely pick from each side of the family though.

marsalisails · May 2014

littlemissmarla said:

TexasGirl81 said:

In my eyes, we've always had in mind whomever was with the most family values. We are catholic as well. In the end you are literally leaving your children with these people to raise while your no longer around.

Honestly, pick the very first person who comes to mind that you can picture taking care if your babies, and there's your choice. GL dear!

godparents do not have legal rights.. a godparent is there to guide the child throughout their religious upbrining

This. My best friend and BIL are DS 's godparents because we know they will be able to guide him spiritually, but my mother and step-father would be his (and LO's) guardians because my mother is their daily caregiver, and they are young and will be financially capable of taking care of two children (whereas my best friend and BIL would not be at this time, and it would be an unfair burden given where they are in life).

I don't really have much advice. This is always a huge PIA subject with the people in my family. Someone always ends up getting their feelings hurt about it. I think LO's godparents will just end up being my mom and step-dad because they are the most religious, and I don't feel like choosing from my friends anymore (I don't have siblings, and DS 's other brother is not up for it).

pfeilele · May 2014

Also? Pick who would be best at guiding your child. I'm Catholic, and the guardians are totally separate from the godparents for me, my husband, my son, and everyone else I know. This decision likely won't impact your child's future. Pick who you think you would go talk to if you were young and needed someone to talk to.

chrinikki1 · May 2014

We are not religious but DH's family is (and he went to catholic school for ALL but college). We are choosing godparents as the same people we will leave LO (and other kids) to in our will. It's going to cause major family drama with DH's family because of the strong religion but ultimately I chose my brother based on who would raise my kid (s) in the same way I would (or as close to). This applies to values and morals too. My brother and his wife are strong catholics but I feel confident my brother would not push this (which is a huge factor for us) or shun my kids the way DH's family did to him. I personally don't care that it's going to cause family drama- this is a life decision.

MstoMrstoMom851214 · May 2014

Is this your first child? Are you planning on having at least one more?

Could you do maybe your brother and sister as your first child's godparents...and then promise his sister and her husband that they will be your second child's godparents? Seems kind of silly to make promises, but might avoid some hurt feelings?!

honeybee434 · May 2014

My parents were Lutheran when I was born and I ended up with 5 Godparents. My morher's sister, her uncle & sister-in-law and then a married couple that were close family friends at the time. I honestly have no idea how usual that is, but I would think that you could choose more than just one male and one female? Honestly growing up the only thing that made me know they were all my Godparents is that I would get extra gifts from them at holidays and I would receive Godchild cards sometimes.

(Sidenote: Who they had in their will to be my guardians were separate from my Godparents. My brothers and I all had separate Godparents and none of us had the brother of my mother's that would have been our guardians.)

Katilak · May 2014

I am not religious- not in the traditional sense anyway. I ascribe to no organized religion, and just try to uphold the important lessons and beliefs that seem to span all of them. I still have chosen godparents for all three of my children- including the one still growing.

My advice is just to make sure that who you choose is someone you will still want in the future. All three of my children have the same godfather- a very close friend of both my husband and I, but they have different godmothers. And honestly, i haven't chosen a godmother for the one growing.

My first's godmother turned out to be a horrible friend and person in the end. My second . . . . just plain doesn't care. I have an idea for the third but, really, i'm scared to name anyone. In reality, if anything happened to me my children would all go to my sister and it's more of an honour than anything else.

I'm just trying to figure out if i can take godparent honours AWAY from people that don't deserve it.

melissaquinn106 · May 2014

Truthfully I think the whole thing is silly. Just bc they are or aren't a godparent doesn't mean they are going to love the baby any more or less or the baby will love them any more or less. It seems more than anything, at least in this situation with me, to be an ego boost for whoever is getting chosen.

When DH approached me with the idea of his sister and BIL I was like, well if we are going to go that route why not just pick my brother and sister? (And leave his family out completely) and he was like "No! We can't do that! She's the only family I have!" I would never do that but was trying to make a point at how ridiculous it would be to leave out a total side of the family.

And with each word I type and each breath I waste on it I care less and less....

nicoletteb · May 2014

I think the message is totally getting lost among your family members. Like others have said, I can't even imagine anyone objecting to our choices. Just because someone is not a godparent, doesn't mean they can't play an important/active role in your child's life! FWIW, I am not that close to my godparents (2 of them i probably haven't seen a majority of my life). But I am very close with a particular aunt and uncle, and they've been more like godparents to me than my actual ones. Like many things in Catholicism, the title of godparent is more symbolic and a formality. I am godmother to 1 of my sister's 4 kids. But I am just as involved with the other 3 as I am with my goddaughter.

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