Girl busting in, please help me understand. So desperate! — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Girl busting in, please help me understand. So desperate!

Sorry for climbing in your tree fort guys, but I really need a male perspective. My husband (and father of my children) of ten years has a drinking problem. He doesn't drink every day, but when he does he can't stop. Things took a turn for the worst a couple of years ago, we fought a lot and he became a terrible person, basically. The final straw was when he went out with some partners from his firm and they got wasted and ended up in a strip club VIP room doing who knows what, and somehow blew $900. Fucking made it rain.I moved out, filed for divorce. It took eight months of therapy and counseling and he started to change. He stopped drinking and got his life in order. I eventually moved back in and agreed to give him a second chance as long as he stayed on the straight and narrow. I had to do it for my kids. And things were perfect for a long time, he was so happy to have me back and showed it every day. We even decided to have another baby, and it happened immediately. Through my first two trimesters we kept up our very active sex life! Got freaky on the reg. Well, eventually it tapered off as I got bigger and I took it very personally. I've struggled with an eating disorder all my life and have been very self conscious. I've talked to him about it and told him how I felt and he'd get mad and tell me he was sick of me questioning whether he was still attracted to me or not. Soooooo, the drama keeps going. He goes off to Nashville for a night about three weeks ago for a work thing and I was really worried that he'd lose control and drink again. I spoke to him that night and he said he was exhausted and was going to his room and pass out. He told me that was exactly what he did the next day, and I was so proud of him. But my super strong intuition took over hardcore and I started getting obsessive thoughts about checking his phone even though I've never done that before. I held off for three weeks, but the thoughts never went away. My gut instincts are never wrong, unfortunately. I looked through everything, and found "strip clubs near me" in his google search history. Oh fuck. When I confronted him about it of course he got angry, denied it, and made up some ridiculous story. I wasn't having it. Eventually he confessed that he had drinks at the hotel with buddies, went to a few bars, lost control and on his way back to the hotel decided to hit up a strip club, alone. He doesn't remember much but apparently ended up in another fucking VIP room and blew $300. What the mother fucking fuck. I am devastated. I'm fat as hell and I'm having a baby in a few weeks and I can't say I've ever felt worse! SORRY, sorry, sorry this is so long and hard to read, I'm on mobile and can't paragraph. What have I done wrong? What makes a married father do things like this? We are best friends, we get freaky all the time (normally) so, WHY? Is pregnancy that much of a turn off? Is alcoholism the ONLY thing to blame? Or is he using it an excuse? Can my marriage be saved? He seemed to feel no remorse until I confronted him about it and so far has gone to one AA meeting. He has sworn off alcohol for life, although it's only been four days. You don't have to respond, you probably can't relate. It makes for some interesting reading anyway. But if anyone can help me understand...This little girl deserves to enter a world with a daddy who thinks her mommy is the most beautiful and valuable woman in the whole world. We are the foundation for everything she learns in life. This doesn't feel like a second chance any more.

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Re: Girl busting in, please help me understand. So desperate!

  • You are probably not gonna get a lot of help from the guys here for your problem. It sounds like he lacks self control and doesn't think about consequences. I say your best bet is to move on and never look back. You may still be able to find someone to make a future together.... if you do not look to the last to define yourself.
    [Deleted User]trisholiosboi
  • Also, if you stay, you are asking for more of the same, despite promises. Any changes will be temporary at best. Ask yourself if that is what you want for yourself and children.
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  • I agree with gettinNone you could try some kinda councling but don't know if that would help, having little self control and a addictive personality can be hard to change, it took almost 5 yes to get my wife to quit smoking (not even close to the same thing but similar idea)
  • PrimePrime member
    Sounds like you want to make this work if possible.  He's an alcoholic.  If he is going to stay sober he is going to need support.  Get him to AA.  Go with him.  Not to keep tabs on him and make sure he goes, but so you understand what he's going through and can support him.

    Also, I like your dog gif.

  • Can't really relate, but wanted to wish you good luck.

    I think you'll have to go with your instincts, like you said, you've never been wrong. He sounds like a guy that can change temporarily, but will always fall back into bad habits. He just might get better at hiding it. And if he can show no remorse do you know he was being straight between his past slip ups and this current one?

    Anyway, some guys can change and some never will. You really need to figure out if yours can. Your still young, lots of women go through divorce and it's hard, but it ends up being the best thing they've ever done. I would suggest finding the forum they post on and talking to them about it. Or there's always couples therapy and what not.

    Good luck.

  • It seems like you gave him a second chance and he blew it.  I would go talk to a counselor that deals with marriages but most likely is to cut your loss and file for divorce.

    My one uncle kept allowing his first wife to ruin his life because he didn't want to get a divorce and it hurt him in more than a quick separation.

    I had to do the same thing with my first wife when she lied to my face.

    Sometimes it is better to do a quick clean break instead of trying to make something work "just for the children".
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  • bottom line is that he has an uncontrollable alcohol problem and thats all you need to know.  It is VERY rare that anyone that abuses alcohol in a manner such as this is ever able to completely walk away and they almost always relapse in a big, ugly way.
           Several of my grandparents had alcohol problems which means that several of my other family members including my mother have had ongoing alcohol problems their whole life.  It's a disgusting thing that tears families apart.  You're entire existence with people like this is fielding a barrage of excuses and lies at all times.  Never the truth, no exceptions.
        The worst part about alcohol abuse is the endless selfishness
  • edited April 2014
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  • AshleypixieAshleypixie member
    edited April 2014
    @scarfbandit‌ Not offended at all, I NEED to know everything. This was in Nashville, the girls don't take anything off, there's a no body contact rule, and the clubs don't serve alcohol. So what on earth do you pay $300 for In a VIP room?! He hasn't had a drink since I found out, and i haven't found anything shady on bank or credit card accounts. The only thing I did find over a month ago was a text with an aol verification code and he doesn't have an aol email address that I know of. I'm at a dead end. And although things have been a lot better around here, our relationship will be forever changed. I hate feeling like I have to snoop but I can't deal with mentality that "what she doesn't know can't hurt her." If you catch someone in a lie, there's guaranteed to be more lies behind that one. And why would he need the fantasy? I'm not a terrible looking person other than just fat at the moment, and our sex life is probably better than most couples. He LIVES the fantasy, dammit.

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  • You've got a multitude of complicated issues in this post: his alcoholism, his dishonesty about strip clubs and spending, the strong possibility that he has cheated on you with a stripper/prostitute, your body image issues, your distrust and snooping.  This is just a mess.

    You have to accept that you aren't going to be able to control him.  The one you CAN control is yourself.  If I were you, I'd start with therapy/counseling for yourself.  Get yourself a counselor who can be an ally and help you sort out things on your end of this mess.  You're not going to make a well-founded decision about how to deal with him when your perspective is clouded by your own issues.
    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
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