Anyone else disappointed with DH? Long

emh81 · May 2014

I know we all handle change differently but is anyone else feeling disappointed in the way DH is adjusting to being a daddy?? It seems like he could care less about holding and spending time with me and the little one. He is a farmer and as soon as we got home it was like he is spending more time outside than he was before the baby. But let's back up. Even though he knew I have several 3rd degree tears we had to drive an hour out of the way from the hospital to pick up sheep that he sold, I was crying before we got out of town because I didn't want to ride in the car for 4 hours 2days pp but he just said "it'll be fine babe, you'll be okay, you weren't afraid of childbirth but you're afraid to ride in the truck?" Well There was a reason and a big prize at the end of childbirth this just seems pointless and cruel. then we got home, quickly got settled and he left to deliver them then stopped by a friends going away party and got home around 10... Not late not drunk but I feel like he totally missed our first night at home! Then he has been pissy and confrontational since we got home, I've tried to talk about it and he insists nothing's wrong he doesn't want to talk and I'm just nuts and because of the pp hormones I'm usually in tears at this point so i don't have much defense. He made one comment the day after our son was born about missing our daughter (passed away in 2012) more now than ever and I've been trying to be sympathetic and enorporate her into our family and discussions but I want to punch him in the face!!! I miss her too but I feel like he's so busy looking back that he's missing this AMAZING gift we have right here!!!! And maybe that's not what's up but I'm about to loose it on him. I know he is capable of being loving and sensitive and it makes me really upset that he seems to just be choosing not to be. I've told him, I need to still feel like your wife, kiss me, hold my hand, tell me u love me and it's like he just doesn't care. Last night he slept on the sofa because he is so tired he just needs to get some sleep... He hasn't changed a diaper since we got home and I'm EBF so how HE is so tired I haven't a clue. I know my pp hormones are driving this and probably blowing it out of proportion but I fucking despise the way he's acting and I want my husband back and for this super douche to go away!! Anyone else getting a less than desire able reaction from their partner?

Mamamonzo · May 2014

Maybe, and I'm no therapist, but maybe he feels like if he is really involved with your son it's like he's forgetting you ever had a daughter? I'm not saying it's right, but maybe that's part of why he is distant. Also, he may be scared to get too close. I'm so sorry about your previous loss. Congratulations on your new gift!

Jessimax · May 2014

I feel like punching DH in the face on a daily (hourly) basis. He constantly complains he is tired even though I am also EBF and the baby and I are sleeping on a different floor from him. FU I haven't slept more than 3 hours straight in a month. He has changed maybe 5 diapers in the last month. I would like to add that I didn't want a second baby. I was ok with one but he was the one who convinced me we needed 2 kids. So I feel your pain. He is good with DS (4) but it's like this baby doesn't exist

seannasmommy16 · May 2014

My DH was the same way for about the first 2 weeks that we were home, but I lost it one day and completely broke down and told him I needed help and that I couldnt do it alone. Every since that day he's been very active with both of the kids and he will clean up the house and cook on the days I have to work, it's been really nice. But don't give up, the first few months is really hard for everyone
I hope things get better

MrsZ0811 · May 2014

I agree with a lot of the previous posters. Another idea for "Talking" with him about you are feeling could be taking some time when you are calm to write out exactly what you are feeling and then sharing that with him. I know that when DH and I have a disagreement and emotions are high it is hard for me to not blow it out of proportion to an extent. So with a big issue I like to sit down when I am calm and can think through exactly what I am feeling and I write it down. Then later I read it to my DH and that seems the help the whole "your just being overly emotional" argument. Just an idea.

Rrrrrachel · May 2014

This sounds like a really complicated situation with the death of a previous child. Personally I would consider counseling, both individually and together.

*sparky* · May 2014

I just want to say I am sorry for what you are going through. I can tell you are extremely upset and that is understandable. I do agree with the PPs that this may be your DH's way of dealing with his grief. Not that it is ok, but it certainly makes things more complicated than if he is just being a jerk.

I also know my DH is not all that comfortable with the newborn stage and definitely takes a backseat to me in baby care during that time. But he steps up by taking care if other things that need to be done. So maybe there is some of that at play here.

You say he is a farmer, so I would guess he is more of a rugged type of guy and may have a hard time admitting when he is feeling sadness, grief, etc. so it may be tough to get him to open up about what's going on but I think you need to try. If he was not like this at all before and has suddenly changed, I am guessing that is what is driving this.

I know it is not fair to you that he is being this way, but I agree with the PPs that in this case losing it on him or bitching at him is not likely to help. Instead you may need to open up to him about your daughter and see if that gets him to talk about his feelings and get to the heart of what is going on.

csmily51 · May 2014

I agree with pp(s). He sounds like he is grieving and that he may be/ feel afraid to love and become attached to DS, for fear of feeling guilty or forgetting your DD. Pinot a great excuse, but a valid one none the less.

emh81 · May 2014

Thanks all for the feedback! I agree wholeheartedly that I needed to vent it out

we did over a year of counciling right after Reagan died but I agree, we could use a refresher. I promise I am trying to help him work through it, I just get tired sometimes of always having to be the "coach" as our therapist called it. Wish he could be mindful of his feelings but he grew up in a home where you didn't express emotions other than anger so he's not the greatest at identifying other emotions. I love the idea of writing out how I'm feeling. I am more emotional than usual right now and I think that might help me get the point across that I want him to hear because as soon as I start crying he shits down and stops listening. Thanks again all!!

MadBloom · May 2014

Mine is being a dick too these days. No help at all at night. Just now I was feeding DD and he's laying on the couch complaining about how hungry he is and could I make him lunch. Drives me crazy that he won't get off his ass to fix something to eat when I am clearly busy with the baby! Like come on!!! Microwave some damn leftovers and be done with it.
I don't know what it is but he must just need time to adjust to our new life.

ksulli · May 2014

This sounds somewhat like my DH with DD1. We had miscarried our first pregnancy so he just put up a wall around himself through the next pregnancy (I realize a 12w miscarriage pales in comparison to a late/full term loss, and more so to the loss of an outside child- I am so incredibly sorry you have to know that pain). Then when she was born he was stressed about work and a move and didn't know what to make of the tiny human we were now responsible for.

We didn't talk about it, and things got really bad in our relationship- he was checking out because he didn't want (and didn't know how) to deal with it, and I was getting resentful of being the only one doing anything for our daughter and feeling discarded as a wife and partner. We have since worked through a lot of our issues , but it wasn't easy.

all that to say, you're less alone than you think. And you need to talk about it. Maybe don't even push him to talk about it, but ask him to listen- tell him that you're at a breaking point with caring for your son and his help would be amazing (he probably wants to feel needed), how you're processing having your son here after losing your daughter (he's doing this too, but most men are bad at recognizing their emotions not to mention putting words to them), and that you love and appreciate what he is doing for your family (working to make sure you're taken care of). Maybe putting all your 'stuff' out there will help him to do the same, or at least think through it.

also, did you go to therapy or any support groups after losing your daughter? Could you reconnect with them to help you through this transition? It's a huge one, and professional help or the support of people who have walked those steps would be hugely beneficial.

LyndseyLC · May 2014

My dh was the same way when our first was born. He would hang out Outside and work on his motorcycle. He never asked if I needed help and was such a jerk and very insensitive. He mad me cry multiple times. It took him about a good year to get his act together

BiggerinRealLife · May 2014

So much good advice here, and you sound like you're headed in a good direction, so I'll just say that I'll be praying for you all, for your grief, for your transition, and for your sense of unity. Not at all the same circumstances, but I know what it is to be processing grief while caring for a new life, and watching your husband do the same. It's a bizarre juxtaposition of emotions. I'm gal you have this board to vent to. Much love to you, mama!

Erikahenderson1 · May 2014

I bet you he is just really stressed, especially if you've lost a baby before. Not saying its right, but I try and back off a little when I notice my DH is having a stressed out day. Alot is on daddy's shoulders to keep us afloat. Hope things get better love.

LaNorte · May 2014

Do you have someone that can come help you out, a friend or family member? You can't single handedly take care of your newborn, your marriage, and yourself!

Mustardseed2007 · May 2014

I agree with what everyone has said. I also want to suggest (if you haven't done this already) giving him clear instructions on specific things you want him to do to help you and do not ho along with something that is going to cause you physical or emotional distress.

I mean, I think the least you can expect is for him to fake it until he is able to actually engage. And along those lines, tyou might get more action out of him if you are telling him - I need you to change LOs diaper right now- vs I need you to help me more or even I need you to help with diapers more often.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you're going through now.

navyfiance18 · May 2014

Same here (as a couple of other moms posted) I had a miscarriage right before I had gotten unexpectedly pregnant with Blakley and it's like my husband is completely unattached to her at all, he honestly acts like he could take or leave her. He's made multiple comments "why does she cry all the time!?" And most days I could easily walk away, if it wasn't for my 5 year old I prob already would have. I just can't comprehend why he's so useless? No help what so ever.. And the thing that gets me the most is telling me how tired he is....... Takes everything I have not to knock him out. Praying yours and my situations get better ASAP I know how frustrating this can be.

heids4787 · May 2014

I was so sorry to hear about your situation with DH and the loss of your daughter. No mother should have to endure that type of pain. I hope you can both work through this, and that he becomes more active in your LO's life!

On a different level completely (but also commiserating as a wife), I had to have a chat with my DH yesterday about how hard it is for him to golf on the weekends when I'd really love his help around the house or just spending time with the baby. Even during the week, when he gets home from work, he asks about what errands he can do since he wants to "get out of the house for a bit." You JUST came home!? I've been taking the brunt of night feedings/diaper changes since he has a lot on his plate with work and finishing his degree. It takes a lot of patience for me to hear him say how tired he is, even though I know it's warranted.

Before LO arrived, I explained to DH that he could/should still enjoy his outdoor hobbies as long as it doesn't make him absent as a parent/spouse. Suffice it to say, DH hasn't quite grasped the amount of chore help I need, and that "now," really means "now/today," when I need help (the dishes have been in the sink for a week). Even though this is a petty topic, I had to carefully express my frustrations since he can take my comments as criticism. I think it was clear to him that "we're a team," but I need him to step up in other ways if he still plans on keeping up his golf hobby. He said he plans to quit by next season [-O<

Again, a silly example, but talking about it can still be uncomfortable. I'll be thinking of you!

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