Very confusing conversation with DH.... ? UPDATE 4/23

mooncusp22 · April 2014

UPDATE: I went to see my ob/gyn today and talked about everything that is going on... he prescribed me anti-depressents to take for about the next month or two and also said for me to "Get out of town"..literally! He said it is understandable that I am feeling so down and overwhelmed, and not having a support system is making it difficult for me to cope. My DH has a 6 day business trip planned in 6 days and I just can't be alone. So, my parents are flying me down to FL to be with them. I just booked my flight and am leaving tomorrow afternoon until DH gets back home on 5/10. I need to take the time to get my head together and take advantage of the extra help...plus my parents live on the beach down there on a resort island so it will be good for me to unwind and refocus. My DH is obvisouly very supportive as it was originally his suggestion, but I can't help but also feel guilty that I can't handle things right now and need to take our newborn and escape....

I've written before on some issues I was having with some baby blues. To recap in a nutshell, we have to move alot with DH's job and we just moved to the middle of no where on March 1st, then had DD on March 27th. So, alot in a month! I was ok when we first moved here because I was so focused on moving into our house and getting ready for baby... now, my days are spent inside all day long. I know no one here, there is nothing to do around this town.. it is depressed and there is nothing here that is familiar. No stores, no regular restaurants (except a few greasy spoon places). DH gets up at 5am every morning- goes to the gym, then goes to work, comes home around 5:30-6, we eat dinner, watch a show and he is in bed by 8pm. I am lonely and have spent most days crying since DD was born (and I feel terribly guilty that she has a sad mom already). I am very close to my family and my parents were here for 2 weeks and it was so hard saying goodbye. My brother & sis in law came this easter weekend, they left today...and again I am back to being sad and alone.

So, DH came to me tonight and said that we need to do something. He asked me if I wanted to spend a couple of weeks or more at my parents house in FL (we live in MO). I asked him if he wanted to separate and he said "No, I want you to be happy". He said he doesn't know who I am anymore and misses me but is tired of coming home to me sad every day. Said he thought if I got away from here that I would get better. Of course I started crying again taking this as he doesn't want to me around me anymore...and it mad me sad to take our newborn away and it upset me that he would be ok with that. He said this is not the ideal situation, but he wants me to be happy and be happy for DD too. I am just a bit brokenhearted right now and he said he is trying to work with me and come up with a solution because things won't change with his job and he is not leaving his company right now and if I can't handle the moving around or if I am that miserable where we are right now, then I can 'escape' as much as I want until we have to move from here (which is Oct 31st).

I just don't know how to take this suggestion and it although I am very unhappy here, it makes me sad to think he is OK with me taking our newborn away if even for a few weeks or a month....? He also suggested I talk to my doctor and maybe my saddness is more then what we thought it was.

BlessedMai · April 2014

Oh man! I'm so sorry to read about this. I don't know what to say to you but I will say a prayer for you and your family. God Bless you

Bluebird2318 · April 2014

Based on what you said it sounds to me like he wants to help you but is struggling to find a way. To me it doesn't seem at all like he wants you or the baby to be gone, just that he is at a loss for how to help because he knows you are lonely and he can't change the circumstances. I would agree that speaking with your doctor is a healthy next step. Your circumstances are already difficult on you and if PPD is (possibly) added into the mix there is absolutely no shame in seeking help. It could be the very best thing for you. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time and I hope you find a solution!

cgoldian · April 2014

Honestly, I think he is willing to make the sacrifice of being away from you and your baby so that you can be happy. I am sure that is not an easy thing for him to do, but your LO needs a strong, happy mama. He seems to be very supportive and maybe you should consider spending some time with your family so that they can help take care of you both. Definitely talk to your doctor in case you are suffering from PPD, but your situation seems like it would be very tough for any new mom. I am sorry you are struggling and I hope you find a solution that works for you both. Hang in there!

Rileypie · April 2014

I am sorry you are having such a rough time. We move every few years for my husban job and it can be hard. The first few years we were together was rough and I cried a lot. I can't imagine adding a baby to the mix. I have always been able to work too since we stay 2-4 years at a time so it wasn't as bad for me. But talking to a therapist and getting medication helped a ton. You should really talk to someone. It made my lofe so much better and i am much happier and able to cope with the saddness. I am willing to bet you DH cares so much for you he is willing to sacrifice time with your new baby to make sure you are happy. I don't think he is trying to get rid of you or anything. I wish you the best and hope you can find some peace and happiness again. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your new baby :-)

JessieAlbin · April 2014

Honey, it sounds like he is really trying here for you, and you are in a really dark place where you might not be ready to see it in the spirit it is meant. Men tend to be fixers, and it is probably very hard for him not to be able to fix this for you; it sounds like he is reaching for solutions where you might just be needing empathy. It doesn't at all sound like he wants you to go away, but he is right about this downward spiral you are in not being sustainable. It can get better, and you both need to take action, as hard as I am sure that is. Please do talk to your doctor, I am sure there are options that can help you cope with the rough time you are having right now. You are not the first woman to go through these intense emotions and so many women have found relief. Hugs to you, this won't be forever.

AmberLiz99 · April 2014

I agree that your dh is not trying to send you away, but that he thought it might make you happy and he was willing to deal with you being gone. It's actually very kind of him to focus on your needs, and it sounds like that's why he's doing to the best of his ability in the situation.

Talk to your doctor. It can't hurt and it might really help. Be honest with your husband and give him the benefit of the doubt. I know it's hard when dealing with sadness or depression, but try not to see the worst in him. You're a team and you have to work together through this. Lots of hugs!

Rrrrrachel · April 2014

Sounds like he loves you and he's trying to come up with some way to help.

BiggerinRealLife · April 2014

Everything I would say has already been said. Your husband sounds like a really sweet man, and I'm sure it's not easy on him seeing you so down. Don't be too hard on him, and really don't be too hard on yourself. You're both going through a huge transition, and that's hard to matter what side you're on. I'll be praying for you, that you find peace and a place where you feel like you belong. Please do talk to someone, I think that was great advice.

seannasmommy16 · April 2014

This is me and my husband to a T
I know my H is coming from a good place but it makes me feel like he's not interested any more. Ive been going though some baby blues to. If you ever need to talk PM me, maybe we can continue to support each other on our bad days. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and some days it's way worse the others.
You can work past this and see a brighter day. Talk to your doctor it will help, I talked to mine today and he made me feel not so alone and that I'm not some crazy piece of crap mom. Don't wait for too long hun. Sending hugs your way

MamaFantastic · April 2014

A thousand times YES to what has been written above! I won't repeat it... just know I agree and I'm sorry this is so stressful for you both. I think time with your parents sounds like a perfect solution. I hope this gets easier for you very quickly. Hang in there, mama.

Onelovelyginger · April 2014

Where do you live in missouri? If you live near St. Louis I would be happy to meet you for lunch! Lol I know that's probably not helpful but I just thought I'd mention it. And also, I second what was written above.

mooncusp22 · April 2014

thank you all for your quick responses so that my night is not long and lonely...and thank you for all agreeing! It is nice to see that everyone doesn't think he is trying to get rid of me. I just feel stuck in the middle right now. I would love to leave here, and my parents live in a beautiful house on the Gulf in FL so it always feels therapeutic when I am there visiting. But on the other hand, I feel that it is wrong to pull my immediate family apart because of my emotions and would be upsetting that my baby doesn't have her mommy & daddy each day (even though I know she wouldn't realize it). It just doesn't feel right either.

DH said if I have other suggestions he is open to anything. And I am trying to think how we can make things better here. Like I said, I only have like 2hours a day with him in between coming home from work and him going to bed. Weekends are all we have it feels like and there is literally nothing to do here and I feel like I NEED to get out of this house. I've searched for mommy groups and mommy classes and can't find anything that is remotely close. I am anxiously awaiting my 6 week appointment to get OK'ed to go to the gym again to get myself out of the house.

As far as talking to the Doctor...do I talk with my ob/gyn? Then they refer me to someone?

nicole mackenzie · April 2014

I don't have anything to add as pp's have said it well.

Please talk to your doctor, your DH, and family. Do what you need to do to get yourself healthy. Counciling and maybe some meds. There's no shame in needing help.

Hugs and prayers for you!

mooncusp22 · April 2014

Onelovelyginger I currently live in Moberly (about 2.5hours from St. Louis)...wish we were closer, I could use a friend! And I think it would have been much easier if I was in a bigger city like St. Louis too because that is what I am used to!

seannasmommy16 · April 2014

mooncusp22 said:
thank you all for your quick responses so that my night is not long and lonely...and thank you for all agreeing! It is nice to see that everyone doesn't think he is trying to get rid of me. I just feel stuck in the middle right now. I would love to leave here, and my parents live in a beautiful house on the Gulf in FL so it always feels therapeutic when I am there visiting. But on the other hand, I feel that it is wrong to pull my immediate family apart because of my emotions and would be upsetting that my baby doesn't have her mommy & daddy each day (even though I know she wouldn't realize it). It just doesn't feel right either.

DH said if I have other suggestions he is open to anything. And I am trying to think how we can make things better here. Like I said, I only have like 2hours a day with him in between coming home from work and him going to bed. Weekends are all we have it feels like and there is literally nothing to do here and I feel like I NEED to get out of this house. I've searched for mommy groups and mommy classes and can't find anything that is remotely close. I am anxiously awaiting my 6 week appointment to get OK'ed to go to the gym again to get myself out of the house.

As far as talking to the Doctor...do I talk with my ob/gyn? Then they refer me to someone?

I called my ob/gyn and I saw him and he had asked me what had been going on and to explain how I feel and then he referred me to a therapist.

mooncusp22 · April 2014

I think my first step will be calling my doctor tomorrow... if I can start to feel better without separating my family and get better that would be my first choice. Besides, I probably can't travel with DD on a plane until after all her shots anyway, right? My parents, brother and sis in law are coming in about 4 weeks for DD's baptism so I will just count down until then....

flyingmommy · April 2014

Maybe there's a mommy and me group you can join. I did that when my son was born. We had just moved to the area and my work typically takes me away 20 days a month so I suddenly felt grounded and lonely. I met some great couplets there that I'm still friends with 5 years later. I found my group through our pediatrician.

flyingmommy · April 2014

Try cafemom.com for meet ups and groups. Is Columbia close enough to you?

chirico3 · April 2014

I am sorry you are still feeling lonely...
I agree with everything that has been said: your husband means well for sure, and please, talk to your OB/GYN, he'll refer you to another doctor.
I would consider your husband's suggestion to spend a little time in FL with your parents. It doesn't have to be months, may be just a couple of weeks to feel better and to relax would be enough. Besides, husband can always come visit you during the weekend!

Roufi · April 2014

Echoing PP's suggestions, talking to your dr, meetin other moms and even taking some time to heal in Florida all sound like really good ideas, and from the sounds of it, your H sounds like he really just wants to help, for your sake, his sake and the baby's sake. Your struggle affects your entire family.

I would say that he does need to try to find time to spend with you, and also to give you some breaks from being the sole provider for your LO - if that means 3 mornings at the gym instead of 5, or going for walks/activities some evenings despite him being tired, those are reasonable things to expect from him. At this point, if there are ways that he could step up to take some of the pressure off of you, or to build you up with couple/family time, you shouldn't be shy to ask.

My thoughts are with you, and I hope that things start looking up soon.

ETA posted too soon

cwm11985 · April 2014

It sounds like he genuinely wants to help you. I know you said you live in a tiny town with nothing, but have you looked at meetup.com? You may be able to find a mom's group (or some other group you are interested in) nearby. Maybe not in your specific town, but you will probably find something in a town nearby you could join to get out of the house. I would go to your parents for a while though, it sounds like that will really help you.

mooncusp22 · April 2014

UPDATE: I went to see my ob/gyn today and talked about everything that is going on... he prescribed me anti-depressents to take for about the next month or two and also said for me to "Get out of town"..literally! He said it is understandable that I am feeling so down and overwhelmed, and not having a support system is making it difficult for me to cope. My DH has a 6 day business trip planned in 6 days and I just can't be alone. So, my parents are flying me down to FL to be with them. I just booked my flight and am leaving tomorrow afternoon until DH gets back home on 5/10. I need to take the time to get my head together and take advantage of the extra help...plus my parents live on the beach down there on a resort island so it will be good for me to unwind and refocus. My DH is obvisouly very supportive as it was originally his suggestion, but I can't help but also feel guilty that I can't handle things right now and need to take our newborn and escape....

zoopsiedaisy · April 2014

That sounds great! Good for you for taking care of yourself and your DH fir being so supportive. Enjoy your family time!

Tferr02 · April 2014

Don't feel guilty! That's great that you can escape for awhile and have help. I am going to my parents house in FL from May 4 until October! My DH has training and will be gone for 6 weeks at a time, so he wanted to send me to my parents for the whole thing so I could have help. Help is needed in the early days!

seannasmommy16 · April 2014

Don't feel guilty, you have to focus on your well being too. Don't feel guilty about giving yourself help, I saw the therapist today and he reminded me that you will have bad days and then you will have good, don't feel like a failure on your bad days and remember that tomorrow is a new day. That's all you can do right now. One day at a time hun

maelic · April 2014

That sounds like a really good plan: meds to stabilize things for a bit and a sanity break in the sunshine. Don't feel guilty, you are doing what you need to take care of yourself and, by extension, your baby.

Hugs!

chirico3 · April 2014

Why would you feel guilty? You are taking care of your baby and yourself. Never feel guilty for asking help.
I am happy you are going, and I am sure your parents can't wait to see you and LO again!

ksulli · April 2014

I'm so happy to see your update and plan. Don't feel guilty- you found yourself in the middle of a perfect storm and put up a great fight before deciding the best thing is to literally look for some better weather. With your dh's work travel I really don't think there was an alternative.

I hope it all feels better when you get home on the 10th- between LO being a bit older, the time with a larger support group, and the meds I think you'll find yourself in a much better spot.

Teresa1896 · April 2014

Enjoy your trip and your time with your family! I bet you'll get to feeling better soon with the meds and the family support.

zazu13 · April 2014

Take care! I hope the meds and trip boost your spirits!

haziedaze · April 2014

Sounds like a really good plan... your husband just wants you to be happy and your baby needs that too. I think this 2 pronged approach will accomplish that. GO, ENJOY, and let the guilt go, you're doing what is best for your family.

smushi · May 2014

@mooncusp22 Thinking of you!

mooncusp22 · May 2014

smushi Thanks!! I have been in FL for a little over a week now and have 1 more week here. Definelty glad I came and feel like myself again

)

nicole mackenzie · May 2014

Glad to hear it

m

smushi · May 2014

Yay! That's so good to hear!

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