Scared College Grad -- Advice?

lhbird87 · May 2014

I know a lot of users on this site tried very hard to conceive on purpose, and I have nothing but respect for this. However, my husband and I were in the last semester of our semi-non-traditional return to college to finish our degrees together and start on a new career path when we found out by completely unexpected surprise that we are going to have a baby in December. I will be 9 weeks pregnant and 26 when we walk across the graduation stage for our degrees next Saturday, and I feel so alone as I have no women in my life who both had young children and a career simultaneously. Nearly every woman in my life has either given up her career aspirations permanently or for several years when they had a baby. I just want to reach out and know what my other options are. Please help with advice if you can, as it would mean the world to me.

I have federal student loans which were a huge mistake for me, and I can't let the responsibility of paying those off fall to my husband although if he had to, he would graciously take whatever responsibility he has to. I wanted to start applying for jobs immediately, but I haven't started because I don't really know the appropriate way to handle this situation. My husband got his first job in his field, but it doesn't pay a lot because it's in the small town we currently live in, and to make the kind of money we should be able to with our degrees, we need to be in a bigger city with more opportunity. Because it's such a small town, it's highly unlikely that lightning will strike twice and we will both get jobs here.

I guess what I need to know is if it's advisable to go apply for a brand new job when you're in the first (or early second) trimester of pregnancy. I'm of course afraid I won't be able to have any maternity leave and will end up getting fired because I'm a new employee. Also, would it be advised against to move about 100 miles during pregnancy? Or with a newborn or young baby? I don't want to get stuck in this small town with no opportunity for me, and I don't want to have gone to college for absolutely nothing and throw my career aspirations in the garbage. I know I sound a bit frantic but as happy as we are about the situation, I'm not sure how to handle this and I feel like every woman in my life would give poor advice. Thanks to anyone who can help.

TheBorg7of9 · May 2014

Hi and welcome! I don't have much time to write. But just want to say don't limit yourself! Just because you are pregnant or have a baby shouldn't stop you from getting a job or moving! The only thing stopping you are some wrong ideas about what moms can or can't do! But you really have to change your mindset. It seems you are ready to let this pregnancy derail your plans, but it doesn't have to be that way

bcnoelle · May 2014

You can always postpone payments on federal loans for financial hardship or do a payment plan based off of a percentage of income. I wouldn't let this weigh too heavily on your mind. It is debt, but it's not like credit card debt and can be managed. At 35, I still have huge student loans since I was in school a long time. As I'm starting to make more $ I will pay off more. Are there other advantages to staying in this small town ( family nearby?). Does it really matter if you get fired for taking maternity leave versus not working at all? What field are you looking to work in? What excites you about work? What excites you about staying home with a baby for a certain amount of time? What are the advantages to your husband taking a low paying job? Future raises? Benefits?

cattynine · May 2014

I would definitely be applying and interviewing for jobs right away, especially since you probably won't be showing for a while still (or could easily hide it for a bit). Just because an employer doesn't have to hold your job, doesn't mean that they are all going to let you go if you take maternity leave. Its probably easier in the long run for them to make due while you're out, than to have to hire someone new and train,etc.

As far as moving- if that's what you have to do, then that's what you have to do. It might better to move now than to get stuck in a small town and wish you had just moved in the beginning.

I know it seems scary- but it really will work itself out. Try not to over-think things ( I do this myself so I know its hard).

lhbird87 · May 2014

TheBorg7of9 said:

Hi and welcome! I don't have much time to write. But just want to say don't limit yourself! Just because you are pregnant or have a baby shouldn't stop you from getting a job or moving! The only thing stopping you are some wrong ideas about what moms can or can't do! But you really have to change your mindset. It seems you are ready to let this pregnancy derail your plans, but it doesn't have to be that way

This isn't my mindset, really... but it is the choice every woman in my family has made, and the choice made by any friend I have who has already had children. I simply don't have any examples of working mom's to look up to or ask advice from. I'm on my own in this one, wanting to do both... Granted what I really wanted was to get a job first and have that job long enough to know it's secure if I need maternity leave.

lhbird87 · May 2014

cattynine said:

I would definitely be applying and interviewing for jobs right away, especially since you probably won't be showing for a while still (or could easily hide it for a bit). Just because an employer doesn't have to hold your job, doesn't mean that they are all going to let you go if you take maternity leave. Its probably easier in the long run for them to make due while you're out, than to have to hire someone new and train,etc.
As far as moving- if that's what you have to do, then that's what you have to do. It might better to move now than to get stuck in a small town and wish you had just moved in the beginning.

I know it seems scary- but it really will work itself out. Try not to over-think things ( I do this myself so I know its hard).

I think I agree a lot with what you say. I think it would be better to get to where we want to be before the baby is born. The think I really know nothing about is maternity leave. I don't know how it works, except for in the call center I've worked in while in college. Basically they force you to quit if you haven't been there over a year. You can get your job back when you're ready, but they don't have to hold it.... but being that I'm going for something entirely new to me (a job as a graphic designer)... I have no idea how this situation would pan out.

TheBorg7of9 · May 2014

If you are hired a professional job most places will work with you about maternity leave. I know at least two women who started working at a new job while pregnant. And they both got maternity leave of some kind. It's not like an hourly job when they can just find someone new to replace you immediately and not worry about training

MommyAtty · May 2014

Tons of women have babies and careers. I'm like you. Women in my family don't do both. Most of my friends wanted nothing more in the world than to have babies and never have a paying job again. My mom always had a job, but not a career, per se. But I do both, and I do both well. You can break the mold. And with graphic design, you may very likely have a lot more flexibility than with other types of careers. Also, in my company, pregnancy is treated like any other disability. So even if you went into labor two days after starting with our company, you would get 6 wks for vaginal delivery or 8 for a cesarean. (We had an admin who got it, and she had been with us only during her last trimester.) You can't be discriminated against for pregnancy or motherhood, but you don't get an obligatory 12 unpaid weeks of FMLA if you haven't been there a year.

shannm · May 2014

PP have given great advice. Just start applying. And be open to a move. Have your DH start looking for other things too. Lots of people move during pregnancies. And with newborns.

Also, it would be great if you got over six weeks of leave However, many people survive just fine with six, even after a c-section, including me.

Maybride2 · May 2014

Will things be hard at first? Honestly, yes - they will be. Will they be impossible? NO. You're already 10 huge steps ahead by planning to finish college. Absolutely move to a better job market, absolutely apply for jobs. You likely won't get 12 weeks paid maternity leave, but you can always negotiate for some sort of maternity leave. Having a family and a career IS possible, and it's super rewarding, if that's what you want. I wouldn't have my life any other way. Just be prepared to work hard to make it work!

housewifebecomesher · May 2014

Have faith in yourself! You can do it! Things happen for a reason...and once you get through the scary period, you will likely be able to look back and see that this timing, while inconvenient, also might be just perfect. This board is a great resource and I would encourage you to join your birth month board. Keep in mind that discriminating against someone when hiring for a job is illegal, and working women have babies all the time! I would encourage you to find an employer who "gets" this, they are out there. Good luck!

jf198400 · May 2014

Others have given you great advice. I would sit down with your husband and make a list of cities you would consider moving to- places that have opportunities for both of you. Then both of you apply to jobs in those locations. Once you start receiving job offers, you can decide together which place to move to. I would much rather move while pregnant than after having a child. I'm sure you will be able to find a company that will work with you on ML.

Also don't feel bad about having a baby at 26. I had my first when I was 25. I have had a full time job since I graduated college at 22 and have 2 kids with a 3rd on the way. Once you get a professional job, you will meet new people, other responsible adults with families as well. You will have new friends who "get it" the whole working mom thing. It's entirely possible to do both.

Im sure it's scary right now, but trust me even if you planned to have a child, life happens, things don't go according to plan. We were planning to have baby 3, and then my company got sold and my job was insecure. We had to put TTC on hold while I found a new job. Stuff like this happens all the time. Sometimes you have to roll with it and just do the best you can to make a new plan.

mlee116 · May 2014

Ditto what the PP's said. I was in your shoes when I found out I was preg. with DS. I wasn't working yet bc I just finished grad school, just found out I was preg., DH and I were barely getting by on his income and we were in a very small town with limited prospects for me. I was so scared.

I just started applying and sending out resumes like crazy. The job I took didn't pay much, but at least it was a job. I started working when I was 10 weeks or so. I told my boss a few weeks later and they were so supportive. They worked around ML and gave me 12 weeks. I worked really hard the whole time I was pregnant and by the time my ML came, there was no doubt they weren't going to fire me. I adjusted to being a working mom much better than I thought I would. Yes, at times its hard, but its totally doable. Don't count yourself out before you've even started.

Take a deep breath and just focus on one thing at a time. Like others said, life happens no matter how much you plan and there are no guarantees, so you just have to roll with it and do the best you can. I never regretted getting pregnant with DS. Even if I couldn't find a job, somehow we would've made it work. You can do this!

MommaP12 · May 2014

You have gotten a lot of great advice already and things always have a way of working themselves out.

If I were you I would:

Both of you apply ASAP for jobs where you WANT to live (pick the city you and DH want to move to)
If one of us gets a job - move to said city immediately
If I recall correctly - you don't start paying back federal loans until 6 months after graduation. has that changed? If not, don't worry about paying a cent to the loans until you are in your desired city and at least one of you has a good paying job. If it has changed, call and defer the loans for several months asap so you can find a job and get on your feet
Interview no matter how pregnant you are. I interviewed at my last job when I was 5 months pregnant. DO NOT TELL THEM YOU ARE PREGNANT. I hid it by wearing a black shirt, a black jacket and draped a scarf around my neck. Once I got the offer I said "wonderful, I'm so excited. I do need to talk to someone about my upcoming maternity leave in September so would that be you Mr. Boss or someone in HR?" That's that. Don't give it a second thought.

Congratulations and good luck! One day you'll look back and say 'wow, can you believe that whirlwind we survived?'

dglvrk2 · May 2014

I scanned all of the responses . You've received some great advice. The only thing I'd add (sorry if this was already mentioned) is to join a local moms group. Many have forums or weekend and evening meet ups for new working moms. Since you mentioned you don't have many friends or family who are WMs, you should seek out others who do both. It's really helpful to connect with other moms who are facing similar parenting and professional experiences. I too know several women who made moves and/or took new jobs during or shortly after pregnancies. It does work!! GL!

88sharonlee · May 2014

Just wanted to add that I know plenty of people who got hired while pregnant, in fact at my company we just hired a new hr director two weeks ago and we are already planning her baby shower!

I also worked with a woman who said she had to go on job interviews 9 months pregnant after her shitty boyfriend left her. She pushed through a really tough situation and I had a lot of respect for her.

Don't let past experiences scare you, there are great companies out there that value working moms and there are also laws that protect you and your family as a working mom.

I moved when I was 5 months pregnant and it got me out of doing a lot of the hard work!

Lastly, you definetly should not stay in your current town if that's not where you want to be. If a larger city offers you both more opportunity and more money than that sounds like a no brainier!

Worst case if only DH gets a job but it's better paying than that will be a great help for when your home with LO.

Try to stay calm, you have a lot on your plate, but don't give up, at least start talking to employers and see what's out there.

Good luck!

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