Paying birthmom expenses

jenbabe · May 2014

Our first adoption we used a full service agency, they charged us a flat fee which included birthparent expenses but it was not itemized how much. This time we are working independently and are getting a record of everything that gets paid towards birthmom's expenses. I'm all for taking care of her but its starting to feel like a lot. We met her two weeks ago and the law firm we are working with asked for $1000. We got a list of exactly what was spent, rent, food, cell phone, shoes, clothes, bus passes, all seems legit. Now barely 10 days later they asked for another $1000. I'm hoping they are getting caught up on bills she was behind on but if they ask for another $1000 in two weeks I don't know if I can just hand it over willingly. Our living expenses are barely over $1000 per month and we don't just have all that extra money freely sitting around. We're still trying to get grants and loans to cover all our other adoption fees. I know we are not just supporting her, we are supporting her entire household which consists of her two daughters, mom and sister. We like her and want to help her out but it doesn't seem fair sometimes that we are expected to pay all her bills. On the other hand, I'm equally mad at the agency we used last time because our first birthmom said they never gave her a dime for living expenses and kept all of our $18k for themselves. Can you share your experiences with birthmom expenses? Is it normal for them to ask for more than $1000 a month? Its so scary because if she changes her mind we're just out this money. Is it okay for me to say something to our law firm about it if they ask for more again soon? She's due in August so we have a few months to go yet.

CarolinaGirl2014 · May 2014

I second asking them what to expect- nothing at all wrong with that. When I was pregnant I had to quit my job to become a nanny about Galway through because the stress of my job was raising my blood pressure big time and making my morning sickness worse so I lost weight really quickly. This was about 1/2 my normal pay so I needed help. I sat down with the agency when I signed my paperwork and itemized part of my share of rent, part of electric, part of water/sewage, part of grocery, counseling, and a one-time fee for maternity clothes (shopped consignment first then sales for remainder). So they knew upfront what I needed before committing. I'm guessing your lawyer already knows. Also, the initial was prob some one time things. I'd maybe ask to look at receipts. They have to keep them for legal purposes and I'd be nervous if it were truly going to the expectant mom.

One more thing- I live in a state that's liberal with birthmom expenses but they don't allow you to cover anyone but the actual pregnant woman's expenses. So that seems a bit off to me.

Sorry this is so long! Hope it helped to see my perspective. I always felt terrible accepting financial help and like people judged me for selling my baby, but I did it because my life was about her then and I had to do whatever it took to make sure she was safe.

Dr.Loretta · May 2014

There are a lot of issues at play here. There should be state laws regarding whether you are required to provide birthmother expenses, and what expenses are eligible. The law firm should also state upfront what their typical birthmother expenses are, what they go toward, how the $ is transferred, etc. I believe that CA has pretty liberal birthmother expenses, including before and after birth.

Our state did not require any, but we could set aside a certain amount for medical or living expenses. That went into a general fund, and if needed the agency would cut checks directly to the landlord, the electric company, etc.

I would be asking what the $ is for, before writing another check, and ask how this will be handled going forward.

JoyfulJuly · May 2014

Our agency clarified how much she estimated she would need and for what prior to presenting her with families who potentially matched her situation. We had agreed upon a budget with our agency. We matched, we were to pay certain expenses. She later on pushed for some other expenses some of which were allowable and some of which were not. We acquiested to the legal expenses but are seriously tapped out paying for as much as we are between all fees and expenses. The amount we are paying is over our budget but we made the decision to keep going with the match even though we were over our agreed upon amount.

We are paying her rent, phone bill and gas regularly. We are paying for maternity clothes and household supplies, as needed. She has WIC, Food Stamps & Medicaid or else we would be paying for her food and medical expenses, as well.

I think they need to be upfront with you about what your expected costs are going to be. I would not feel comfortable with a situation like you are describing.

jenbabe · May 2014

Does anyone know a website that clearly says the laws for each state? I'm looking for South Dakota but can't find anything useful.

Dr.Loretta · May 2014

The law firm should have this! And if they aren't forthcoming, I'd ask another firm ASAP

JoyfulJuly · May 2014

Not all states have a maximum. I have a book that lists limits if there is one but it's packed because we are moving on Friday.

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Paying birthmom expenses

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