Charitable donations in lieu of gifts...

notkateanymore · May 2014

Do people really think this is a horrible thing? We always do this for DD's "big" birthday parties. But I was reading on the birthday board and so many people were saying how rude it was bc that means you expected a gift, blah blah blah. What say you SAHM? Are we horrible people asking for donations for the women's and children's shelter DD volunteers at with her grandfather?

notreallyirish · May 2014

I'm the crazy anti-consumerist weirdo, but even I think it's stupid to criticize this because it indicates you were expecting gifts. That's how birthday parties for kids work in our culture--gifts are implied. Maybe you can placate people by saying, "If you would like to bring a gift, please bring a toy or donation for blah blah charity."

notkateanymore · May 2014

It says "In lieu of gifts, Dd asks that you bring supplies for XXXX Shelter. Their wishlist can can be found at XXX.org" I guess it's a good way to figure out who we need to be friends with bc if somebody judges us for asking for donations to the women's and children shelter in town, I don't want to be their friend anyway and my child doesn't need to hang out with theirs either.

Xtine22 · May 2014

I never understood the hate. Like on TK when people would ask about doing donations instead of favors it was always the same auto-response, which I can't think of right now but something like What if people didn't agree with your charity and it is a gift to them, blah blah blah.

I think it is a great idea for your DD's party. It's not like you are donating to some hateful charity that would offend people. I think it teaches a great lesson to the birthday person and their friends.

notreallyirish · May 2014

That sounds perfectly reasonable and should make all parties happy. People like to buy gifts largely to make someone else happy. In this case they make your DD happy by giving a gift to a charity she cares about and they get to make a needy kid, woman or family happy. They also get to shop if that's their thing or they can just bring a staple. Win, win, win. The whiners can go on your real life post-it.

MomIn2013 · May 2014

I think it's perfectly fine because:

a) it's a birthday party so I think it's fair to say that gifts are expected

b) your DD is old enough to make the choice of donations in lieu of gifts

For a LO that's not old enough to make the choice, it would bug me a bit, because I'd think it's not fair to the kid to not get gifts on their birthday because a parent has chosen donations instead.

AprilLVE · May 2014

What you're planning wouldn't bother me at all. I would think it was quite nice if I got that invitation.

If you really do want to stay within the letter of the etiquette law, I suppose you could always just say nothing and go ahead and donate whatever is received.

LoriLee14 · May 2014

I thought they didn't like it because you were telling them how to spend their money and it might be to a charity that isn't of their choosing blah.

It would not bother me at all to bring money to go to charity.

notkateanymore · May 2014

letranger said:

I can't get my panties in a bunch. I feel weird suggesting it for my kids since they can't speak for themselves.

I can see that...but DD picked this charity out all by herself. She doesn't need 15-30 gifts. I mean, we're inviting 35 girls. That's too much.

notkateanymore · May 2014

AprilLVE said:

What you're planning wouldn't bother me at all. I would think it was quite nice if I got that invitation.

If you really do want to stay within the letter of the etiquette law, I suppose you could always just say nothing and go ahead and donate whatever is received.

I guess I could do that, but I'm not sure how many pedicure kits and iTunes cards the homeless ladies need.

rosesandpetals · May 2014

KateMW said:

letranger said:

I can't get my panties in a bunch. I feel weird suggesting it for my kids since they can't speak for themselves.

I can see that...but DD picked this charity out all by herself. She doesn't need 15-30 gifts. I mean, we're inviting 35 girls. That's too much.

Since she picked it herself, I think it is very sweet. If this were a situation where you just didn't want her to have anymore kid shit so you said "no presents!" then I would be judging. It can be hard to tell on an invite, esp if she is inviting the whole class, likely some of the parents don't know you well enough to know if you're a grumpy, bitchy mom or if this was really her choice. So I would expect some comments or questions.

mrsrobinsontobe · May 2014

I don't know, I'm weird about these things. Kids love to open presents, so I'd bring her a present and donate to the charity. When it's just "no gifts" and you know it's because the parents don't want more plastic crap, I feel the message parents get -- intended or not -- is "I better get that child something good!" I get what you're doing, and your daughter is a bit older...but when I see it for a 5 yo boy, I kinda feel bad for the kid!

notkateanymore · May 2014

Oh well, good thing you're not invited to the party I guess!

No need to feel bad for my daughter. FTR, she gets GREAT presents when her friends give gifts so this is not to weed out plastic crap. This is to learn to be a charitable citizen of the world.

rosesandpetals · May 2014

Who are you talking to? I don't feel bad for her.

notkateanymore · May 2014

The person below you!

zbeesma86 · May 2014

people judge over the dumbest things..

I think it's an awesome idea. She picked it. It's not like you are making her do it. She sounds like a super sweet young lady

LoriLee14 · May 2014

what we all want to know is what is the theme? still Alice in wonderland or wet slip and slide?

sschwege · May 2014

I think when parents decide to do something a little different, other parents sometimes take that personally. Like how are we going to look if we have a more traditional party and want gifts? What is this mother thinking of me when she has to go pick out a gift for my kid?

For the record I think what you are doing is awesome! We do 'no gift' birthday parties, for a couple different reasons, so I know we are violating etiquette by mentioning gifts on an invite. But it works for our family and you are doing what works for yours.

bumpuser924057 · May 2014

I was torn about asking for charity donations and my mom and DH didn't like it at all because they thought it was awful to ask for money, even if it's money for a good cause. I would be thrilled if everyone actually listened to a request for "no gifts," but we all know people don't, and we're having a huge combined birthday party for three kids with over 50 families invited. I feel guilty about the fact that people are going to think they're expected to bring THREE gifts when we really have too much as it is. So I have an insert going in the invitation saying that we'd prefer no gifts, please, but if you insist, we'd be happy to receive ONE hat or accessory for our dress-up costume collection. And people can feel free to be annoyed or offended if they like, but I feel like it would be even more offensive to people if I gathered up 150 toys that people felt obligated to bring and turned around and donated them.

mrsrobinsontobe · May 2014

I think what Kate's daughter is doing is awesome. Not sure if I came across that way though. What I meant is that little kids should be allowed to get presents, and when parents are trying to avoid getting more "plastic crap" (I've heard people say it!) it's rather annoying.

notkateanymore · May 2014

Kimbus22 said:

I don't like it because I like to pick my own charities. And because I can't go to a kids party without bringing a gift. I just can't. So I'd feel like I have to do both.

That said, it doesn't bother me nearly as much when the kid is older and it's at their request for a charity they volunteer for. It's not like when the kid is 3 and the parents ask you to donate to Susan G Komen or something.

The first sentence I honestly don't get...I would be shocked to know somebody not willing to donate to a women's and children's shelter. Also, when people say no gifts, they really really mean it. Do not bring a gift people. Then it makes the people who actually followed the rules feel like asses and the hosts feel like asses to since like 3 guests brought a gift bc they just "have" to and then it's really awkward.

notkateanymore · May 2014

mrsrobinsontobe said:

I think what Kate's daughter is doing is awesome. Not sure if I came across that way though. What I meant is that little kids should be allowed to get presents, and when parents are trying to avoid getting more "plastic crap" (I've heard people say it!) it's rather annoying.

OK, I get this.

We have never gotten plastic crap to begin with!

ariel06 · May 2014

I think it's great, especially since it's a charity that means something to your daughter.

peaceinnature · May 2014

I do think in terms of traditional etiquette it's considered a faux pas to tell people what gifts to give, even if it's for charity. But I would not be offended at all, and I think it's awesome that your daughter wanted to do that!

That said, I love picking out gifts for people and I'm always a little disappointed when an invite says no gifts or donations in lieu of gifts. And this is completely different, but I judged my MIL a little bit for giving a cash gift at a recent b-day party because the kid's older brother "already has enough toys." So the little bro never gets anything for himself? What about donating the old toys to make way for the new? I just thought it was a little sad.

lexusolsen · May 2014

Kimbus22 said:

KateMW said:

Kimbus22 said:

I don't like it because I like to pick my own charities. And because I can't go to a kids party without bringing a gift. I just can't. So I'd feel like I have to do both.

That said, it doesn't bother me nearly as much when the kid is older and it's at their request for a charity they volunteer for. It's not like when the kid is 3 and the parents ask you to donate to Susan G Komen or something.

The first sentence I honestly don't get...I would be shocked to know somebody not willing to donate to a women's and children's shelter. Also, when people say no gifts, they really really mean it. Do not bring a gift people. Then it makes the people who actually followed the rules feel like asses and the hosts feel like asses to since like 3 guests brought a gift bc they just "have" to and then it's really awkward.

I know. But honestly everyone feels that way about the charities THEY support. They can't imagine why anyone else wouldn't be willing. This is why I hate when people do this at a wedding instead of favors. The whole "A donation has been made in your name to X" thing. Sometimes it's a charity that means a lot to the bride and groom but that I wouldn't want my name attached to and it's bothersome that my name IS attached to them without my permission. I'd rather they just skip it all together and take their favor budget and make one big, anonymous donation. Would I personally say no if asked to donate to a Women's shelter? Not likely. And not in your case since it's the birthday kid asking. But maybe someone knows someone at the shelter or knows something about how their funds are distributed etc that makes them uncomfortable with it. You never no so for me it's just something that makes me uneasy in general.

And yeah I know people mean it when they say no gifts but it goes against my dna or something. I just can't do it. I get something
much smaller than I normally would but I have to do something or I can't go. It just feels wrong. I realize that's my issue though.

I feel uncomfortable or like I'm being rude when I show up empty handed to a party. I feel like I need to bring something.

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