DH Vent....

SunflowersBride · May 2014

I need to vent about DH, and I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. My mom watches DS during the week while we both work full-time. She works on the weekends as a nurse in a nearby state, and changed her schedule so she would be able to do this for us. In exchange, we agreed to pay for a studio apartment near us for her to live in during the week, since she cannot afford two places on her own. She has been so wonderful with Nate, and she brings him over every day at lunchtime so I can nurse him, which has worked out really well. She also does some light house work, laundry, etc. for us so we can spend as much time with Nate as possible after work.

Well, DH finds it incredibly irritating that we pay for anything for her to watch DS. He has said that he may as well be in daycare for what we are paying for her apartment. I love the arrangement and that Nate is with a single, loving caregiver, and we are still saving a ton of money from what we would be paying to have him in daycare (DC is outrageously expensive). So, my mom asked me yesterday if we could possibly switch cars on the weekends, because she has an SUV and fills up twice a week, and it's costing her a lot of money. We have a Prius which is excellent on gas. I think it's fine, but when I told DH about it, he flipped out, and said he doesn't want the miles put on the car and he can't believe we are paying her anything else. His sisters both have his mom watch their kids, which she does for free, so he thinks that if you have family providing childcare, you shouldn't be paying for it. I think his sisters take terrible advantage of their mom (and she has told me as such) and that they should be paying her for childcare (she lives on disability payments, which will be ending soon).

Anyway, DH insisted that I go back to work full-time to begin with, even though we could afford for me to stay home for a while, and when I make an arrangement that has made me the most comfortable, he is pissed about it. To top things off, he barely does anything to help with DS (refuses to even change his diaper) so I basically work full-time and then provide the majority of childcare full-time when home. He also barely talks to my mom when she comes over in the morning, and is really pretty rude to her. I'm so annoyed about this entire situation, and I just bawled this morning over the stress of everything.

Thanks for listening, any advice is welcome

sugarland726 · May 2014

Wow. Your H sounds like a peach. I agree that his sisters are taking advantage of their mother. And I agree that you should compensate the person providing care for your child, in whatever arrangement you see fit. Your H is out of line in his behavior to his mother. The only bone I could maybe throw him is putting miles on the car, but that depends on the number of miles each day. As to the rest, I side with you wholeheartedly. He needs to get his head out of his ass.

moosebaby2011 · May 2014

Everything that Sugarland said. I'd also get official quotes from a few daycare centers so that your H can see exactly how much it would cost to pay for FT daycare. Your mom sounds like an awesome lady for rearranging things so that she can do this for your family. Your H needs to show some appreciation for that.

angiek1 · May 2014

moosebaby2011 and @sugerland on what they stated. I think you should get a few quotes from surrounding DC so he can see the expense. I do side with your H on the car mileage thing.

You need to sit down with H w/o your baby or mom around and discuss the issues you've mentioned above.

SunflowersBride · May 2014

Thanks everyone for your perspectives! I feel really caught in the middle here, because my mom is just like "just tell him you're giving me the car for the weekend and that's that" and I obviously want DH to be OK with it, but I also understand his point on the miles. I had been planning to get my mom a credit card on my account for her to pick up things for DS if she wants to run errands, so maybe a good compromise would be to just have her put some fill-ups on that.

I have shown DH some quotes on the daycare centers, and he just kind of shrugs and still doesn't seem to think about it. In his mind, family watching kids = free childcare. I'm just really stressed about a lot going on now, so I appreciate all of your thoughts on this!

moosebaby2011 · May 2014

Family =/= free child care unless everyone is on board with that. What works for one family's situation doesn't necessarily work for another, and your DH needs to understand that.

As your husband is against loaning your mom the car (and I do see his point about mileage plus there could be some insurance issues should your mom run into a problem) I think it's a good compromise to pay for some of your mom's fill ups. I wouldn't hide that from H, though. I'm all about transparency with finances even if you keep everything separate.

MJamison1020 · May 2014

I'm sorry but if he refuses to change diapers then he should have no say in anything.

peanutmuse · May 2014

There was a lot of good advice that I agree with, and I don't have anything meaningful to add. Except...

What is with these men who don't change diapers??!?!?

Cormelbaby · May 2014

I can understand your issue as my mom watches LO and DH wasn't too thrilled out it in the beginning. Does she come to your house? That was a point I brought up to DH, no need to drop off LO or pick him up from daycare. Also if LO is sick, neither one of you has to take a day off because daycare won't take him. Sorry you feel like you are in the middle, I know and it sucks!!

SunflowersBride · May 2014

Cormelbaby said:

I can understand your issue as my mom watches LO and DH wasn't too thrilled out it in the beginning. Does she come to your house? That was a point I brought up to DH, no need to drop off LO or pick him up from daycare. Also if LO is sick, neither one of you has to take a day off because daycare won't take him. Sorry you feel like you are in the middle, I know and it sucks!!

Yes, she comes to our house in the morning, and she's even willing to stay late if I need to run to the grocery store or whatever. It really is a great arrangement, and I think DH just doesn't think about alternatives, because he likely wouldn't be the one having to deal with anything!

MJamison1020 · May 2014

peanutmuse said:
There was a lot of good advice that I agree with, and I don't have anything meaningful to add. Except...

What is with these men who don't change diapers??!?!?

I am not trying to be a brat but I'm way more curious how they get away with not doing it? Why is this behavior allowed?

kiki1978 · May 2014

I think your DH is being a jerk. Daycare is expensive. Just because your mom offered to watch your LO doesn't mean she has to do it for free. I think you need to sit down with DH and have a serious conversation and not let him try to railroad you on this, especially since he doesn't change any diapers.

sugarland726 · May 2014

MJamison1020 said:

There was a lot of good advice that I agree with, and I don't have anything meaningful to add. Except...

What is with these men who don't change diapers??!?!?

I am not trying to be a brat but I'm way more curious how they get away with not doing it? Why is this behavior allowed?

Exactly. I would not stand for that behavior out of my H.

amt0312 · May 2014

Your post incensed me. To echo @esd , sounds like your H needs a coming to Jesus and ASAP if at all possible. Sorry, but his attitude is terrible and I'd be stark raving mad if I were in that situation.

Seriously?? No diaper changes? And he has the gall to demand free childcare from family members? Time to read the riot act, if you ask me.

...I need to go punch something now...Thank god I'm surrounded by fluffy pillows.

SunflowersBride · May 2014

Thanks guys, you are all correct that we need to talk about things. I totally agree that I should be making these decisions since he doesn't help me out much. He also deals with some OCD issues that I think plays into the diaper changing situation, but it's still not an excuse. I do need to be more firm that I need his help, and make decisions on my own if he is still being a jerk.

cnctf · May 2014

It looks like you already got great advice, but I wanted to add my 2 cents in.

My mom lives with us and last year in Nov she got laid off of work. She helps pay rent, her car, cell phone, etc. Her unemployment checks dont cover all of these bills so she actually is short 300.00 every month, which I cover because she watches DD 4 days a week while S/O and I work FT. Yes, most of my friends live with their mom and dads and their parents watch their children for free, but that is not the case with us. DD takes horrible naps when she isnt being held, so we dont want to send her to daycare. Ive read that babies adapt to their situation, so sending DD to daycare could do her some good, but thats not a decision we want to make yet. So as of right now, we dont mind covering/paying my mom 300.00 to watch DD because grandma gives all her attention to her.

Also, I have a major OCD issue. I wont eat anything with my hands unless I've washed my hands like 3 times first. I am that weirdo who eats fries with a fork and what not, but I change diapers and honestly, after DD was born I've re effing laxed about it a little. Good luck!

MrsGraham06 · May 2014

sugarland726 said:

MJamison1020 said:

There was a lot of good advice that I agree with, and I don't have anything meaningful to add. Except...

What is with these men who don't change diapers??!?!?

I am not trying to be a brat but I'm way more curious how they get away with not doing it? Why is this behavior allowed?

Exactly. I would not stand for that behavior out of my H.

The SO had to change at least 1 diaper in the hospital. I saw 1 nurse get pretty forceful about it, but DH was just giving her shit (pun intended). He saw the look I gave him, and he did it nicely. That way there's no excuse of "I don't know how".

peanutmuse · May 2014

My husband has easily changed 40% of the diapers. Our situation is unique, though. He works from home and I sm home with baby during the day. He watches the baby in the evening while I work. He puts the baby to bed 5 nights a week. For now, anyway. He is super dad.

ababymaybe · May 2014

My DH used to claim he wouldn't change diapers, said it was gross, blah blah blah. However, after my c-section with ODS, he was the one to change the first diaper (and all the meconium diapers actually) and he's been doing it ever since.

I would kick his ass if he refused to perform such a basic parenting task. It is a helpless little baby! He needs to man up. And also stop being so stingy-- basically he feels like your mothers time is worth nothing? Wtf?

Lena122 · May 2014

DH and I were in a little bit of a similar situation after DS was born. My mom has an in-home daycare so we were paying her full price for her to watch DS. Even though he didn't go to the daycare full time, she watched him late and on weekends for no extra fee.

DH thought she should give us a discount since she's family even though the day care is her living and a discount would mean a salary deduction for her.

I told him it wasn't fair to ask for a year round discount when she's so flexible with the her schedule and this job pays her bills. I told him he was welcome to find a better daycare arrangement that was cheaper and open on weekends when we need care. Of course he couldn't so that shut him up.

Now that we send DD and DS to her she does offer us a little discount.

SarahA918 · May 2014

I'm most annoyed with him being rude to your mom when she comes to watch the baby! Even if he resents having to pay her, he should at least appreciate what she does.

SunflowersBride · May 2014

SarahA918 said:

I'm most annoyed with him being rude to your mom when she comes to watch the baby! Even if he resents having to pay her, he should at least appreciate what she does.

This is honestly what bothers me the most. My mom is the type of person who will do anything for anyone, and she has bent over backwards to help us out. And she's happy to do it, but he can barely even mumble a "hello" to her in the morning, and my mom is really upset because she thinks he doesn't like her. And he has never said it to me, but I think that is the case.

Tylynngrace · May 2014

Honestly I think he needs an attitude adjustment. He just needs to be thankful for your mom instead of being rude. Also he needs to start helping you. MH tried pulling that "I'm working for you guys" card and I laughed in his face. If he could do the deed to create that baby he's more than capable of taking care of said baby. You did the hard work of carrying your little man and giving birth to him so now it's his turn to give you a break and get his shit together.
I can't stand when men think they don't have to help.

MiaMyPuggle · May 2014

What a dick bag...tell him I said that (like he'd give a shit)...but anyway...your mom is doing something great for you guys and he's not even appreciative? How dare he treat her like shit...she's turning her life upside down to accommodate HIM, you, and your son. Living elsewhere during the week?!? She's bending over backwards to watch her grandchild and he can't even see that? Sorry you're caught in the middle. Your H is unbelievable.

laowaigringa · May 2014

I'm repeating what's already been said, but still wanted to add a bit. Your mom is a rockstar; living in an entirely different place and working 7 days a week (I'm guessing - she's working her regular job on weekends you said?) just to help you out. But I do see from your DH's perspective that you are helping to make it worth her while by providing her with a convenient place to live, but clearly she is doing you guys a huge favor and putting herself out to do it. But I can see how there might be some resentment when he sees his sisters not having to pay for basically the same thing that you are having to pay for. I guess it could be hard not to be a bit annoyed about that.

I do agree with your DH about the car thing; after all it is your Mom's decision to drive an SUV rather than something more efficient so paying for gas is part of the consequence of that decision and you guys shouldn't have to give up your own car because of it.

The diaper thing - I can't even comment on that. Ridiculous.

SarahA918 · May 2014

Can you suggest she move in with you guys if he doesn't want to pay her rent? That might make him stop complaining!

ChuggingWater · May 2014

You deserve a co-parent.

cnctf · May 2014

mcg1119 said:

I'm always confused with how things get this way. Do people not discuss what roles they will each have with caring for the baby before he or she is born?

I didnt discuss any roles with S/O before DD was born. To me it was pretty automatic that he IS going to help with what he can, any time, no matter what. S/O never complains or grumbles when it comes to taking care of DD, and I guess I'm lucky for that. My BFF has a one year old and her S/O never changed their sons diaper, and probably gave him a bath 3 times. She mentioned it to him a million times before, and he still hasnt changed (and IMO he never will) so discussing things dont always work.

SandFHasse · May 2014

cnctf said:

mcg1119 said:

I'm always confused with how things get this way. Do people not discuss what roles they will each have with caring for the baby before he or she is born?

I didnt discuss any roles with S/O before DD was born. To me it was pretty automatic that he IS going to help with what he can, any time, no matter what. S/O never complains or grumbles when it comes to taking care of DD, and I guess I'm lucky for that. My BFF has a one year old and her S/O never changed their sons diaper, and probably gave him a bath 3 times. She mentioned it to him a million times before, and he still hasnt changed (and IMO he never will) so discussing things dont always work.

We didn't discuss roles. We didn't have to. He's the daddy and he has responsibilities too. If he grumbles about it I throw the diaper and wipes to him. I'm not going to do everything by myself.

SunflowersBride · May 2014

A lot of my issue is that I'm super non-confrontational, so to me it's just not worth it to ask him to change DS's diaper if it's just going to lead to a fight, and I would rather avoid that. I have talked to him about it a few times, and I told him at one point that at the very least, he would change DS's diaper right before bed, which he seemed to agree with, but he maybe did that once and then started up with excuses as to why he couldn't do it from then on.

He did change almost all of the diapers at the hospital while I was recovering from my c-section. And as I mentioned before, I didn't mind doing all the baby work when I was on mat leave, but now that I am back full-time I really need his help. I'm going to talk to him this weekend, he's had a crazy week at work and is stressed about his job, so that hasn't been helping things either.

cnctf · May 2014

SunflowersBride said:

A lot of my issue is that I'm super non-confrontational, so to me it's just not worth it to ask him to change DS's diaper if it's just going to lead to a fight, and I would rather avoid that. I have talked to him about it a few times, and I told him at one point that at the very least, he would change DS's diaper right before bed, which he seemed to agree with, but he maybe did that once and then started up with excuses as to why he couldn't do it from then on.

He did change almost all of the diapers at the hospital while I was recovering from my c-section. And as I mentioned before, I didn't mind doing all the baby work when I was on mat leave, but now that I am back full-time I really need his help. I'm going to talk to him this weekend, he's had a crazy week at work and is stressed about his job, so that hasn't been helping things either.

Good luck mama

lolinshag · May 2014

Institute a turn based system to changing the diapers. Put up a dry erase if you have to and mark who did it last. When.he tries to pass his turn off, say nope. Your kid, your turn.

RedSaffron · May 2014

I like to think about karma. If you don't change their diapers now, what makes you think they will change our diapers when we get old.

Roses87 · May 2014

Sounds like he needs a kick in the balls. And also needs to learn to respect ppl. I think you two definitely need to sit down one on one and discuss this. He needs to own up to being a dad too.