Question about being OAD

AmySmolos · May 2014

I never saw myself as being a OAD mother. I love being a mom to my ds (he will turn 2 in july) and I would love another baby but I'm torn sometimes because of finances, the stress on our marriage, and just giving up time with ds to share with another child. I work outside the home and am so tired most days I feel I have nothing left for dh. Also I couldn't ask for a better child than what I have in ds...he is perfect:)

My question is this: I feel complete with a family of three but I wonder if I would regret not having another baby. I know I wouldn't regret having another but I could regret not having another.

I've read the reasons why OaD post and that helped some but could any of you ladies share more of the emotional side of your decision? I can relate to all the reasons stated in the post about the traumatic delivery, sleep deprivation, relationship strain, finances, getting older and having to decide before too long about having another child, travel, time to only one child, etc. but what if I regret only having one?

Sorry or the ramble.

AmySmolos · May 2014

LOL! It's the main thing in my head these days because we are talking about trying for another the end of this year. My dh would be fine with only one child but is ok with another because we always said two kids. It's so hard to decide way more than having ds. Honestly we didn't plan for him at all and have somehow survived:) I'm glad I'm not alone.

Jerzee17 · May 2014

The biggest reason I decided on OAD is because I don't feel like I could or would want to share my love between DS and another child. My SO and I think that another child wouldn't compare to DS. It might sound really selfish but I would be an emotional wreck if I did end up favoring my DS over another child. Our decision is not about money or sleep deprivation. I had a great delivery and I loved being pregnant. ..I actually wished I could pregnant for longer, that is how much I loved it. I picked OAD because I know emotionally it is the right thing.

Aligirl42 · May 2014

I could have written this exact post myself. I am struggling with the same issues now. I am 40 and have a sweet 15 month girl. I have gone through fertility (iui) to get pregnant with #2 which didnt work. I have begun my 1st IVF cycle which isnt going very well. I now wonder if i should just stop and be thankful for what i have. I feel as if I should stop and be one and done. However, i worry that i will regret this decision in the future and i dont have much more time biologically. Ugh

[Deleted User] · May 2014

The emotional side of it for me is that I don't feel the yearning for another LO, I feel content with DS. Before we had him, I felt like there was a hole in our family, and a deep ache in my heart. Now that he's here, I feel like the hole is filled, and the ache is gone. I don't worry about regretting not having another... But we are not 100% OAD because I know the ache could come back. At this point, though, I am not thinking that's very likely.

TiffanyBerry · May 2014

I don't feel like any of my fence sitting is logical.

Finances aren't a true limiting issue. (Yeah, our financial situation would be different with two kids, but we'd still be ok!)

Our day to day life wouldn't change much over all. (We don't vacation a lot - the dog is expensive to board! I'm a SAHM and that wouldn't change. We don't have a lot of family in the area and that wouldn't change. We don't have oodles of outside activities/hobbies and that likely wouldn't change.)

Our house and cars are big enough.

But I've got genes and they want to replicate.

I've got an adorably cute daughter, and who wouldn't want to see that again.

In the end, though, I don't really think I'd *regret* having only one, or having two. I mean, we do the best we can, we choose the best we can, and we make the best of what we have, right? There are things that you can do with only one you can't do the same with two. There are things you can do with two you can't do with only one. They're just *different*. Not that *that* thought makes the decision any easier.

kristennd · May 2014

AmySmolos said:

My question is this: I feel complete with a family of three but I wonder if I would regret not having another baby. I know I wouldn't regret having another but I could regret not having another. I've read the reasons why OaD post and that helped some but could any of you ladies share more of the emotional side of your decision? I can relate to all the reasons stated in the post about the traumatic delivery, sleep deprivation, relationship strain, finances, getting older and having to decide before too long about having another child, travel, time to only one child, etc. but what if I regret only having one?

We originally planned on two, so there have been some mental and emotional adjustments. We did technically decide to stop at one rather than being forced to. Another child would have been a bad idea rather than impossible.

There are many reasons people want more than one child, just like there are many reasons people prefer to be OAD. So different coping mechanisms can apply. But one thing that helped me was talking to older mothers. Empty nesters looking back at the whole experience. My mother had two children and we've candidly discussed the pros and cons of that and how she thinks being OAD instead would have been different. MIL stopped involuntarily at one and we talked about her regrets there.

The conclusion was I ended up deciding there was nothing I personally would regret. It will be different but not inferior. And I'm comfortable with how it will/won't impact LO's life as well. But I did need that data from others to shut off all the rhetorical what-ifs in my head.

Tink112011 · May 2014

I have a good friend who is OAD by choice, and her daughter is 9. When I was having that emotional battle and worried about regretting our decision, I turned to her. This is what she said, it man did it stick with me:

She said: "I look at most of my friends with 2 or more kids, and I think they all wish now that they had had the common sense to stop with 1"

OK, so that doesn't sound very nice, but when your LO is 1-3 years old, you really only have the infant/toddler years under your belt. You think that if you can get through the first few years, it gets easier. To her point, have multiple school-aged children is crazier. Those parents didn't know what it would be like to have a 6, 8, and 10 year old.

I know that I could survive a 3 year old and an infant. But I don't know if I could give enough to a 6 year old and a 9 year old. Then a 13 year old and a 16 year old.

I had a brother 3 years older than me and we had a bit of a rough childhood. Parents had a bad marriage, dad was never around, money was so tight, there may have been a bit of favoritism toward me, and I really don't think my older brother had enough support. I often wonder what life would have been like if my parents had stopped after him.

hopefulmom81 · May 2014

I think this is a great question.

I think the best way to sum it up, for me where I stand right now, is I think we will always be wistful for another, but I would rather "regret" and be wistful about having one than have another and realize we should have been OAD.

For me, I try to recognize the fantasy of two is not the reality. I don't think that I would enjoy the reality.

AmySmolos · May 2014

Thanks so much for all of the replies! It helps when thinking about everything. I feel such a pressure to know what we are going to do but we still have some time to decide. I need to just take it as it comes and not let others pressure me into thinking it won't be ok of we do only have ds. Thanks again!

TittsMcGee · May 2014

Its definitely not an easy decision to come to terms with.

For me it comes down to being happy with DS and watching him grow and not thinking about how life would be with 2 kids. Since I have 0 interest in having a 2nd child this is easy.

I feel like if we had 2 kids, I would constantly think about how easier things would have been with 1 child. I would hate to have to live with this.

Good luck with your decision.

Feel free to post even if you're undecided!

TittsMcGee · May 2014

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

I guess this kind of goes with how confident you are with being OAD. I'm a 10000000000000% OAD so I know for sure I will not have any regret because this is wholeheartedly what I want & have envisioned ever since DS was born.
He's going to be 3 soon & I've never wavered from the decision or ever had the desire for another child.

I'm sure someone else has said it but I've read this somewhere else on the bump that someone didn't know she was 100% OAD until her 2nd one came around. I think that's super sad so good luck to you. You surely have time to decide either way.

I always keep this in the back of my mind.

TittsMcGee · May 2014

M&MHaveMyHeart said:
It really put things into even more perspective for me. That must be really hard to live with, honestly. $:\$

I imagine it must be.

I'd rather live with the fact that we decided to stop at one than having another child and regretting it and realizing its not something I really wanted.

Helenahhandbasket · May 2014

TittsMcGee said:

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

I guess this kind of goes with how confident you are with being OAD. I'm a 10000000000000% OAD so I know for sure I will not have any regret because this is wholeheartedly what I want & have envisioned ever since DS was born.
He's going to be 3 soon & I've never wavered from the decision or ever had the desire for another child.

I'm sure someone else has said it but I've read this somewhere else on the bump that someone didn't know she was 100% OAD until her 2nd one came around. I think that's super sad so good luck to you. You surely have time to decide either way.

I always keep this in the back of my mind.

Wow.

I hope the poster that was asking about regret sees this.

It's much better to regret not having another than regret having two.

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