ugh

kgs0505 · May 2014

Sorry I haven't been around much. I used to post from work and the bump and work do not agree right now. So now I'm in the mobile app.
Anyway, don't know what the point is really, but I've just been having a hard time. My anniversary is coming up and the affair is weighing heavily on my mind. In particular, her. I feel like I need to do something to move past her and make her less important. I just wrote yet another letter I'm not sure I want to send. I don't know if opening a door to communication is really the smart thing to do. I feel like I need to forgive her stupid ass actions in his whole thing so I can wash my hands of her and focus on my DH and our relationship more effectively.
I don't know. Just kind of floundering here...

kgs0505 · May 2014

That's probably part of the issue. I haven't been to my counselor in a few months. I was feeling very pressured to "get over it already". From both her and the marriage counselor. I just didn't know where to go from there in our sessions, so I stopped. I just keep writing letters and not sending them and hope the urge passes. I'm hoping the book my DH's counselor recommended will help (After the Affair). He has it on his kindle acct and can't remember the password. He says he'll reset it tonight so I can get to it. I'm just too cheap to pay $12 for a second copy of an eBook.
That's a whole lot of crappy excuses, isn't it?

JSS1002 · May 2014

I think it is very unfair that anybody would suggest that you "get over it, already." Many (most?) people NEVER get over it, and their relationships end... if you can and do work through it, no matter how long it takes, I think that is incredible and shows great emotional depth on your part. I don't think there is a time limit for this, other than whatever YOU think it takes you to heal and move forward. If that's now, next month, or next year -- great. If that's never, that is okay too -- but then you have to decide whether to move on and when.

I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I'm not sure it is something I could get past.

I also don't know if talking to The Other Woman is a good idea. I'm just not sure what it will get you. But if you feel like it will help, then I would ask your husband to facilitate it, and then while that conversation is happening, have him tell her to her face that he can and will never speak with her again in any way shape or form.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

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Kate_C · May 2014

Hugs @kgs0505‌ and @knitfaced‌.

I would suggest not contacting the "other woman". Realistically the affair probably wasn't about her anyhow - she was just a means for him to feed his ego or live a fantasy or escape or something like that. My brother was a cheater before his divorce. It was all about ego for him and really not about some sort of connection (beyond sexual) with the other woman. You have had a rough year and are going to need some time to get past this. I just encourage you to not give her more importance than she deserves. You are a beautiful, strong, wise mother and woman. You deserve to be happy!

kgs0505 · May 2014

Thanks ladies. I really mean that. You guys are always so good to me. @jss1002 DH is already no contact with her and had that conversation with her back in September about a week or so after I found out. The only time he had to contact her was to get some info so he could send her 1099. And I saw all that correspondence. I have zero intention of speaking to her face to face. I don't know what would happen if I did.
I know I'd probably not get it, but some kind of acknowledgment that she caused me pain would be nice.
I do realize the affair had nothing to do with her or really me exactly. He was trying to feel better and she was how he medicated himself.
I've thought about trying to find someone else (counselor, not SO!), but I don't have the energy right now.
@knitfaced‌ I'm sorry you are going thru this crud too. It's not even a little bit fun.

ceamac0127 · May 2014

Hugs to you both @knitfaced‌ and @kgs0505‌

You are so strong. Your husband is lucky to have you and I hope he knows it

tondraluv · May 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was going through it rough during our anniversary a few weeks ago too. What I personally did was wrote down all of my husbands discretions and one for "the other woman". Then I burned each and every one. At the end of the day, you are a prisoner of your thoughts. It's probably not bothering her or your husband yet you are still suffering even though you did nothing wrong. You need to free yourself. Do I still think about it? Of course, but I don't dwell on it. Burning the stuff was symbolic. when I start to even dwell a little bit I think about how good it felt to make the thoughts burn away

arschm02 · May 2014

kgs0505 said:

That's probably part of the issue. I haven't been to my counselor in a few months. I was feeling very pressured to "get over it already". From both her and the marriage counselor. I just didn't know where to go from there in our sessions, so I stopped. I just keep writing letters and not sending them and hope the urge passes. I'm hoping the book my DH's counselor recommended will help (After the Affair). He has it on his kindle acct and can't remember the password. He says he'll reset it tonight so I can get to it. I'm just too cheap to pay $12 for a second copy of an eBook. That's a whole lot of crappy excuses, isn't it?

I read this book years ago while in my Masters program for Marriage and Family Therapy. It's a pretty great book and hopefully you can get something out of reading it (although you seem to have an accurate perspective of why the affair happened). Although a sincere apology from her would probably help you feel sooo much better, it's doubtful that you'll get one and her not acknowledging it would probably upset you more. I would agree with pp and suggest not sending the letter. So sorry you're feeling down

MsAmeera25 · May 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can totally relate to you wanting to confront her, my ex fiance cheated on me and got this girl pregnant I found out like 2 weeks before our wedding. I could not imagine living with the reminder and you are so strong to work through this.

With that being said remember the best revenge is living a happy life and not being sad or in misery. You have to just say to yourself okay I am done with these thoughts and this situation, I am moving forward and I forgive them both. Because the only way you will be free is to change your thinking,

Do not contact her, it won't make you feel better, it won't change anything. At the end of the day you need to maintain your dignity. Read the letter you wrote to her to your husband instead.

ClandestineX · May 2014

Infidelity isn't something one 'gets over'. You just learn how to cope with it more throughout the years. Yes, what is done is done and you cannot go back in time and change what happened... but you do still feel the effects today and that is the part that needs healing. I don't know if you have a journal... not exclusively for just this situation but it helps me just to write down my feelings in a list type of format.

Today would be:

-Feeling tired because blah blah blah

-Irritated because blah blah blah

etc etc

I would honestly not talk to her in any form because like PP stated, she might not write you back an apology and it will just make you even more angry/sad.

tondraluv · May 2014

MsAmeera25 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can totally relate to you wanting to confront her, my ex fiance cheated on me and got this girl pregnant I found out like 2 weeks before our wedding. I could not imagine living with the reminder and you are so strong to work through this.

With that being said remember the best revenge is living a happy life and not being sad or in misery. You have to just say to yourself okay I am done with these thoughts and this situation, I am moving forward and I forgive them both. Because the only way you will be free is to change your thinking,

Do not contact her, it won't make you feel better, it won't change anything. At the end of the day you need to maintain your dignity. Read the letter you wrote to her to your husband instead.

Love this a million times

JSS1002 · May 2014

tondraluv said:

MsAmeera25 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can totally relate to you wanting to confront her, my ex fiance cheated on me and got this girl pregnant I found out like 2 weeks before our wedding. I could not imagine living with the reminder and you are so strong to work through this.

With that being said remember the best revenge is living a happy life and not being sad or in misery. You have to just say to yourself okay I am done with these thoughts and this situation, I am moving forward and I forgive them both. Because the only way you will be free is to change your thinking,

Do not contact her, it won't make you feel better, it won't change anything. At the end of the day you need to maintain your dignity. Read the letter you wrote to her to your husband instead.

Love this a million times

I love it too, and I can't believe that happened to you. So glad you didn't marry that dirt bag.

KrisM86 · May 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I definitely think you should find another therapist/counselor to help you work through this; one who doesn't make you feel pressured to "get over it." It's not something you get through, but something you learn to deal with and eventually move past.

I also wouldn't send the letter. While I really understand the desire to get an apology from her, that may not happen. Opening up communication could result in you getting more hurt/angry, etc.

kgs0505 · May 2014

I like the idea of reading the letter to my husband. Maybe that'll help. I just go thru this intense desire to communicate with her hear and there. I've been trying to wait it out, but it's going on a long time this time. I definitely want to let go of my anger towards her. I think I have to.
You have all given really good suggestions. I'm going to try some of them to see if they help.
The sad part about the letter was it mostly didn't specifically talk about the affair, but about her and how I think she is lying to herself about her wants out of life. Pointing out her actions/words contradict, and to dig deep and realize her past is affecting her actions now. It was a whole lotta unsolicited advice. It wasn't mean or anything (at least from my perspective). I didn't call her names or threaten her.

I need a break from all this stuff!

JSS1002 · May 2014

kgs0505 said:

I like the idea of reading the letter to my husband. Maybe that'll help. I just go thru this intense desire to communicate with her hear and there. I've been trying to wait it out, but it's going on a long time this time. I definitely want to let go of my anger towards her. I think I have to. You have all given really good suggestions. I'm going to try some of them to see if they help. The sad part about the letter was it mostly didn't specifically talk about the affair, but about her and how I think she is lying to herself about her wants out of life. Pointing out her actions/words contradict, and to dig deep and realize her past is affecting her actions now. It was a whole lotta unsolicited advice. It wasn't mean or anything (at least from my perspective). I didn't call her names or threaten her. I need a break from all this stuff!

Well in that case, I think that you don't owe her any "help" in figuring out her own life -- she dug her own hole and now she can figure out her way out of it.

kgs0505 · May 2014

Guess so!

ChicagoBroad26 · May 2014

I feel like I have nothing ground breaking to add but I just want you to know that I think you're an amazingly strong wife and mother.

ugh

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