How honest will you be?

wandsandwine · May 2014

So many years from now when our LO are not so little anymore how honest will you be about your past? None of us are perfect so when I comes to the tricky stuff (sex, drugs, drinking) will you be honest and hope your kid can learn from our mistakes. I have first hand experience in my family with drug use and DUI but do the teen versions of our kids need to know mom did this or uncle so and so did this?

tamarar5 · May 2014

This is a hard one for me.

My relationship with DD's dperm donor was not a good or healthy one, and without going into detail, I had no choice in her conception. That isn't a memory or an idea that I want in her head. But at the same time, I want her to know she can come to me with anything... unlike my relationship with my own parents. (They still don't know the real story about dd, I'd r rather they think I'm irresponsible than anything else.)

I've lived a pretty mild life. I have asthma, so I've never smoked or tried drugs, and I was always pretty responsible about drinking. DH had had a more colorful past, but she is already aware of some of his mistakes.

I guess I'm interested in what others are going to do in regards to the more sketchy/embarrassing/whatever past events.

shevaCC · May 2014

I plan to be fairly open but pretty much only have sex to report, no drugs. I guess underage drinking too but that's not a big deal to me as long as there's no driving involved. My mom was the opposite and I drifted apart from her as a teen since I couldn't talk to her about anything. I hope DD will continue to talk to me/DH and I feel like being honest is a decent starting point.

ungraceful13 · May 2014

We plan to talk to our kids about your past mistakes and alcohol, drugs, sex etc but will likely sensor it a bit. We think open communication is the best way to prevent some bad things from happening.

+RBL+ · May 2014

I will be honest when it comes up. I just hope it doesn't come up until they are much older. I was a pretty good kid but these thing never came up in my house, growing up. It wasn't until I was an adult that I had conversations about some of these thing with my parents.

chase16 · May 2014

I will be open once I feel she is old enough to understand. I never did any drugs, but my attitude on sex is "as long as you're doing for YOU and you're being safe, I see nothing wrong with it." How ever, I had some self esteem issues as a teenager that unfortunately meant I used sex in the wrong way, and I want her to know that sex can be unhealthy too. I am OK with underage drinking to an extent: over 17/18, not partying all the time, not out of control drunk, no driving.

JadaBlue · May 2014

I guess my challenge will be that I don’t consider most of my teenage misbehavior with sex&booze to have been a mistake. In fact I kind of wish I had slept around and enjoyed all of those young physiques more. ;-) I imagine my focus will be on self-confidence and making safe choices, and I can use my and my friends & families' experiences as illustrations.

chase16 · May 2014

Peripatetic14 said:
I guess my challenge will be that I don’t consider most of my teenage misbehavior with sex&booze to have been a mistake. In fact I kind of wish I had slept around and enjoyed all of those young physiques more. ;-) I imagine my focus will be on self-confidence and making safe choices, and I can use my and my friends & families' experiences as illustrations.

Lol ditto. I think I had a lot of experiences, some good, some bad, but all I learned from

babypants11 · May 2014

I don't plan on being completely honest. I'll discuss some stuff, but my kids won't need to hear about all the mistakes I've made.

vk2204 · May 2014

I plan to be fairly open and honest with my kids. I never really did anything too bad, I was too afraid of my parents growing up to get into trouble lol. If my kids ask questions, I will answer honestly. I never asked my parents about their sexual past so I hope my kids don't ask me that either

aelhunt · May 2014

It depends on the age and topic. I will also gauge it by how their temperament is and if they are ready for that type of conversation with me and how they will react to the knowledge.

andatcdc · May 2014

This is tough I don't have a terrible past but used sex in a negative way, smoked a lot of weed, drank a lot but not until college. But I never let it affect me to the point of being arrested or my grades in school. My parents were never open about anything.i didn't feel like I could talk to them when I needed or wanted to. That will be the biggest difference. I may not tell my kids all the details but I will let them know enough so that they feel comfortable coming to me with questions or problems they are having so emotionally they don't have to deal with what I did.

shutaff · May 2014

I don't have a super wild past, but I've had my share of bad relationships, underage drinking, etc. I may vaguely refer to regrets I have in the hopes of keeping her out of some of those situations, but I won't get into specific stories, numbers, etc.

BlckRoses · May 2014

I would like to say I would be open and honest, but it may be harder than I think. My parents never talked to me about sex or drugs or anything like that, so I don't know how to have those types of conversations. I would like my daughter to know that she can come to me with problems or issues related to sex or drugs because I never was comfortable going to my parents and I made some bad choices because of it. I also want her to make sure she's in a committed relationship with someone who cares about her before she has sex, which is not what I did at all. I will probably give her information when she asks for it in an age appropriate way.

NLewis1 · May 2014

My parents were always very open with me about their pasts, and I always felt like I could go to them and ask them/tell them about anything. I even "confessed" to my dad about the one and only time I smoked pot and how bad I felt about it, and he made me feel better (I was 20) because he understood I already knew I had made a mistake and he didn't need to let me know how bad it is (he smoked a LOT of pot in the 60's/70s). I plan to be the same with my kids because my parents and I have a GREAT relationship and I feel that is a direct cause of them being so honest with me. My mom had my oldest sister when she was 16 and she made sure I was informed enough and comfortable enough to be able to go to her and ask her for Birth Control when I was 17. They never made me feel bad about the choices I made and instead supported the fact that I at least was being responsible and getting on BC and using other protection.

kareik01 · May 2014

I guess I'm such a unique case that it's hard to say. I didn't drink underage, and I've been with my husband since I was 15 and he was 17, so he's my only sexual partner. Not many women can say either of those things these days, let alone both.

Probably because of my very mild growing up, I am SO SCARED of what my children may decide to do and how much stress it will cause me. One of our good friends (who is quite a bit older and has a daughter in college) got a call at work the other day that his daughter had an allergic reaction to marijuana (or something someone put into marijuana) and was taken to the hospital. I can't even imagine the thoughts and feelings if that were my daughter.

I plan to be completely open with my kids, especially daughters, because I have seen first hand the hardships of sex/drinking/drugs and how much worse it is for girls than boys. Girls are always on the loosing end of these things gone bad, and I don't want my girls to be the next to discover those bad endings. I want them to know the in's and out's of everything so they can make an informed decision...I just hope their decisions are similar to what mine were!

shaylagirl · May 2014

I am 100% straight up honest with DS about how I ruined my life. I gently tell him ALL the time, "Please son, for the love of all that is holy and un-holy, do NOT do what I did with my life."

Why? Because he is JUST like me.

I've already told him where the condoms are kept in our house, and told him if he just HAS to have sex, go get one and use it (be it with another male or a female [he can't seem to decide, sometimes he's in to girls, other times he's in to guys...whatever...I've told him I love him if he brings home Henrietta or Henry]).
He's allowed to drink at home (the same rule my parents had for me), or with my supervision (I let him finish off a tall boy beer DH ordered one night because DH was too full).
Swearing (to a degree) is okay at home. If he drops a "fuck" behind his closed door, I let that go, but if he's around the family, he gets called out. I get that kids do it, but he knows the boundaries at our house (he's to keep it as clean as possible around the 12 year old at DH's insistance; DH's son, DH's rules).
I honestly never did drugs as a kid (I smoked 1 joint about a year ago...got NOTHING out of it), but I've told him that doing so could ruin his chances at a military career if he's ever caught.
I make him pay for his car (I'm setting his 'payments' aside to give to him later). He also has to pay for the crickets for his lizards as well as the gas for his car. He's also got a P/T job. He's going to buy his next phone, and he's saving up for a new laptop or desktop.

Mostly I've told him about every mistake I've made and how it's got long-reaching impact upon my life. I didn't complete college because I got pregnant (with him). I work jobs that don't pay that well because I lack a Bachelor's Degree (I have an AA degree, but that's fairly useless in the town I live in). I've struggled and had to depend upon my parents at times as a single parent. I've also stopped doing all the "little" things I used to do for him. I've told him if he needs to make a doctor's appointment or dental appointment, I'll give him the phone number, but HE needs to make it. I'll make sure to BE there, but his schedule is more convoluted than mine, so he needs to start being in charge of his health care (mostly, he scared the hell out of me when I told him he needed to schedule a follow up with his doctor because of a mild fracture. He said, "I don't even know how to DO that mom." I died a little inside, and realized I've coddled him a bit too much).

His grades aren't the best. But, as far as being a decent and responsible human, he is, for the most part. He opens doors for people. He does his own laundry without being told. Does his chores without being prompted. Cleans his room without being told. I figure, if the worst thing I have to deal with is his grades being B's and C's, I'll take it. Far better than him being out, running the streets and getting in to trouble with the law.

But, yes. I am VERY honest with him about my own personal mistakes. Granted, I've tailored my personal life to fit his age and comprehension depending on what I was trying to teach him. But, he's 16 now, and we're pretty close, and DH doesn't exactly dumb things down for him either. If he can function within society, get a job that is both financially and mentally fulfilling and be HAPPY, I'll feel like I was successful as his parent.

Nuclearcupcake · May 2014

I'm not sure yet. I guess it will be a bridge I cross when I get there.

pmpkn219 · May 2014

We were both really tame. and he may or may not believe us when the time comes but maybe he'll be like us and it will make sense. That being said I don't like drawing a hard line, just because I didn't experiment doesn't mean I don't think people do and I'd much rather him know he can talk to one or both of us, than try to hide anything.

Likewise with our (cooking) girl, I'd rather her TELL me she wants to be sexually active and talk about condoms and get her on the Pill, than her sneak around and have to break it to me she's pregnant. Unless she tells me she is Ready to have sex at 14, then I'm just locking her up. No offense if anyone on here did, I know several people who have, but NO 14 yr old is ready.

Raclla · May 2014

I will be open and honest. The same conversation will be drastically different depending on age and readiness of the child. I imagine each kid will be different.

My parents weren't open with me. I suffered because of it.

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How honest will you be?

Re: How honest will you be?

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

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