Listening and minding

jani7 · May 2014

My 2 1/2 year (3 in August) will not listen to me. Even after repeating myself several times, giving warnings (and I always follow through) he still does not listen. He is a good boy but he is in a strong phase of not minding. Is this just normal? Should I be handling it a certain way or tips of what works?

meglette417 · May 2014

Depending on the severity of the issue, I lock DS in his room. He has a gate and I put him in there. He hates it and has learned to listen more. I don't want to over use it but when I threatened TO or going upstairs he usually does what is asked.

jani7 · May 2014

We do use his room for time outs but I'm like you it depends on what it is and I don't want to over use it. I'm also not sure it's super effective for him. Even if I threaten him with going to his room he doesn't do what is asked.

If we are outside and I threaten to go in that is the only time he listens.

TiffanyBerry · May 2014

If you're just repeating yourself, you have taught him that there are no consequences for him ignoring you - beyond repeating yourself.

If he's doing something, respect his work and give him some time to transition tasks. If he's fully engrossed, go over to him, make physical contact and KNOW that you have his attention before giving him your direction. Be clear on what is optional and what isn't - and what is REASONABLE for you to ask - are you expecting him "to mind" just because you said so? That's not a very good reason - give him things that have good reasons and explain those reasons to him. (They can be as simple as "we are late and I need your help so that we are not more late".)

jani7 · May 2014

No it's not telling him to do things just for no reason. I'm a pretty laid back parent (middle of the road really) and really try to pick my battles. Some examples would be. Telling him to get off the back of the couch. Standing up on toys that aren't sturdy ( I will take away the toy when he won't stop after being asked). There are lots of other little things that I don't feel warrant punishment but I can't think of examples. Maybe him turning his sister around in her highchair. He is just having fun but I'm sure she is getting dizzy so I ask him to stop and always physically have to go stop him then he will go back. Do you always punish for things like that? I feel like he would be in timeout ALL day long!!

TiffanyBerry · May 2014

jani7 said:

No it's not telling him to do things just for no reason. I'm a pretty laid back parent (middle of the road really) and really try to pick my battles. Some examples would be. Telling him to get off the back of the couch. Standing up on toys that aren't sturdy ( I will take away the toy when he won't stop after being asked). There are lots of other little things that I don't feel warrant punishment but I can't think of examples. Maybe him turning his sister around in her highchair. He is just having fun but I'm sure she is getting dizzy so I ask him to stop and always physically have to go stop him then he will go back. Do you always punish for things like that? I feel like he would be in timeout ALL day long!!

Are you talking to him about why he cannot climb on the couch? ("It can tilt over and you would fall and hurt your head!") Are you telling him what he CAN do instead? ("You can go jump on this bed here" (if that's ok in your house) or "You can climb over these cushions on the floor" or "We can go to the park after snack and you can climb on things there".)

I generally don't "punish". What's the point? It doesn't teach a lesson - it just does something unpleasant to someone because you didn't like what they were doing. I am happy to use natural consequences ("I told you not to climb over that chair and you did and now you pinched your fingers. I'll tend to your hurts and hold you because you are scared, but that's what happens when you choose to do something dangerous.") and I'm happy to use logical consequences ("I asked you not to run with the little shopping cart because the store is crowded and I don't want you to hit anyone, but you ran again. You may not push the cart any more. Please let go."**) These have been very effective for me for my kid and any kids I watch (one on a regular basis).

** This happened in the grocery store with the kid I watch yesterday. It took him a good four minutes to let go of the cart while he said (loudly), "But I got it first!" "I don't wanna let go!" "I want to push the cart!!" Eventually, though, he did indeed let go.

jani7 · May 2014

TiffanyBerry said:

jani7 said:

No it's not telling him to do things just for no reason. I'm a pretty laid back parent (middle of the road really) and really try to pick my battles. Some examples would be. Telling him to get off the back of the couch. Standing up on toys that aren't sturdy ( I will take away the toy when he won't stop after being asked). There are lots of other little things that I don't feel warrant punishment but I can't think of examples. Maybe him turning his sister around in her highchair. He is just having fun but I'm sure she is getting dizzy so I ask him to stop and always physically have to go stop him then he will go back. Do you always punish for things like that? I feel like he would be in timeout ALL day long!!

Are you talking to him about why he cannot climb on the couch? ("It can tilt over and you would fall and hurt your head!") Are you telling him what he CAN do instead? ("You can go jump on this bed here" (if that's ok in your house) or "You can climb over these cushions on the floor" or "We can go to the park after snack and you can climb on things there".)

I generally don't "punish". What's the point? It doesn't teach a lesson - it just does something unpleasant to someone because you didn't like what they were doing. I am happy to use natural consequences ("I told you not to climb over that chair and you did and now you pinched your fingers. I'll tend to your hurts and hold you because you are scared, but that's what happens when you choose to do something dangerous.") and I'm happy to use logical consequences ("I asked you not to run with the little shopping cart because the store is crowded and I don't want you to hit anyone, but you ran again. You may not push the cart any more. Please let go."**) These have been very effective for me for my kid and any kids I watch (one on a regular basis).

** This happened in the grocery store with the kid I watch yesterday. It took him a good four minutes to let go of the cart while he said (loudly), "But I got it first!" "I don't wanna let go!" "I want to push the cart!!" Eventually, though, he did indeed let go.

I definitely tell him why he can't do things but I could be better at redirecting to different things we can do.

yeah. · May 2014

sounds like normal 2. Be consistent and pick your battles.

LC122 · May 2014

Agree with Tiffany about above.
Replacing the "can'ts" with "cans" is helpful.
Also, just stating things as rules or manners has worked for us. My 2 year old told my 9 year old nephew "We don't put our shoes on the couch" of her own volition and impressed us all.
I just started "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk". I haven't gotten to the toddler part yet. It does talk about reflecting feelings though. So, there's that.

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