WWYD - Problem with roommate and H

Sockgnome78 · May 2014

So yesterday I was dealing with allergies and a headache all day. Only thing that made it feel better for a few hours was Tylenol, Benadryl, and sleep every 4 to 5 hours.
here is the problem:
H gets home after a long day and checks see how I am doing knowing I feel like crap. Tells me to read a text he and our roommate had earlier in the day.
Come to find out she wants to move out and move in with her BFF. Fine no problem there. She was not under a lease or anything.
So without talking to me about anything. He tells her that she can take as long as she wants to move her stuff out. Probably not fully moved out until the beginning of next year. Tells her that she does not owe us any more rent. Even for using our house as a storage unit. Tells her everything is cool and will catch me up on it when he gets home.
No hey I had a conversation with roommate here is what was said. Just here read this.
Now I get really mad at him and her.1) For not caring to have me in the conversation
2) I get a cell phone tossed to me and expect to be okay with it.
3) H and I have been agreement that she can stay as long as she wants. We are not looking to make money off her rent. But to just be tossed a phone and say read this.
4) At the end of the message they discuss plans of H and I, roommate and her BFF hanging out next weekend.

so now here is my problem really comes into play. I had been mad at H since last night. Just letting him be on his team and me being on my team and meet in the middle when things come down to it.
As for roommate I am pissed that she only contacts me when fun is involved.
So now in return I just want to get this process done and over with and not have to deal with her again. I am to the point where hanging out for fun does not sound like fun in any way. Maybe I can use LO and the pregnancy as an excuse to get me
out of it.

JessAnnJ · May 2014

I'm confused. I get that you are mad at DH for not talking about it first but I don't really understand what your problem is with the roommate or exactly what you are hoping to accomplish. You don't want to hang out with her because she only contacts you when fun is involved? Maybe I'm missing something but I think maybe you should reevaluate the situation when you are feeling better.

Sockgnome78 · May 2014

@JessAnnJ‌ You are part correct. I only get contacted by roommate for fun or when she needs something or to keep an eye out for mail and to let her know when it comes. Otherwise it is only H that she keeps in contact with in regards to anything else. So I feel like a 3rd wheel or only a wife/friend when fun is invovled.
In our Marriage we are a team and make decisions together not just one sided.

Emerald27 · May 2014

What would I do?

I think you should try to figure out for yourself whether this girl is a roommate or a friend. If she's just a roommate, I think I would ask DH to text her again that he was mistaken, but she actually cannot leave her stuff with you guys for months. Maybe give her 2 weeks after her official move-out date to get everything out, because you all are nice.

If she's a friend, and not just a roommate, I would talk to DH about how long you're comfortable holding onto her stuff, and ask him to let her know when you guys need it out by.

IF she is your friend, I would text her too (relationships go both ways) about all kinds of friendly things. Step up your part of the relationship to see if she reciprocates. If she's just a roommate, it doesn't matter whether she chose you or DH to do business with, so I'd let it go.

You asked "WWYD"

golfingdarwinfish · May 2014

Sockgnome78 said:

@JessAnnJ‌ You are part correct. I only get contacted by roommate for fun or when she needs something or to keep an eye out for mail and to let her know when it comes. Otherwise it is only H that she keeps in contact with in regards to anything else. So I feel like a 3rd wheel or only a wife/friend when fun is invovled. In our Marriage we are a team and make decisions together not just one sided.

I think I'm confused why you are mad at her re: the bolded and not mad at your husband, who had the responsibility of discussing the situation with you prior to giving her a final decision. In this situation he didn't see the decision as a team decision. I don't see why this part is her fault. Perhaps the more mature thing would have been to sit you down together, or write an email to both of you, but I think when it comes to ending leases, etc. (though I know you said she didn't have one) it's common for the point of contact to be one person.

Perhaps she sees you more as a friend and as such didn't want to bring this issue into your friendship? Does she give him the rent checks? If she had household related issues in the past did she discuss with you or DH?

lct2008 · May 2014

Exactly what Emerald said. Although I would add- seems to me that it's an h problem not a roommate problem. That's awesome that you do things as a team, but that really has no bearing to who she texts for business stuff. You can't be all "we're a team, please text us evenly about these things"
Your h should have talked to you about it before ok-ing whatever with the roommate. So that's your h's fault for dropping the teammate ball, not the roommates for text in your h about it. Especially since it seems that with you not feeling well and have been sleeping a lot she may have just been trying to be considerate of you and how you're feeling.

Sockgnome78 · May 2014

I understand where you are all coming frim. H is in the dog house. He knows it.
Roommate did write rent checks to him which bothers me since in the beginning she wanted to make sure we were both good about her moving in.
I agree that it could of been handled in a better way. I think with not feeling great and being hormonal that has something to do with iy. Just not sure what to do and am fuming beyond measure with H especially.
She did not know that I was not feeling well.I did not tell her yesterday or post on fb.
This conversation between them happend during the day between 6:40 am and when H got home at 9pm

eta: added more information.

persephonerose · May 2014

With my last pregnancy I constantly had to check with others about my emotional response to certain people/situations. I would get upset at a situation and become angry with anyone who even remotely had anything to do with it.

It could just be that she has always found it easier to talk to YH about rent or plans. Sometimes people find my husband easier to approach than myself. I don't think I would take that personal. However, if you are feeling slighted by her then maybe it is something that has just been building up and this was the final straw for you.

pushgal84 · May 2014

Maybe I'm just a more mellow person, but I'd didn't sound like YH did anything as atrocious ad you're making it out to be... or there's info that I'm missing. Sounds like the whole arrangement was loosey goosey from the get go and I get that YH didn't consult you before making the exit plan, but I think your making a bigger deal out of it than necessary. I would sit down with H and calmly share with him how it makes you feel when decisions aren't made as a team and go over how you would like to handle the storage of the roomie's stuff. He'll likely apologize and inform her of the change in plans. No big deal.

Sockgnome78 · May 2014

Funny you should mention a sit down with H. We just had a talk and he apologize for the miscommunication. We don't not come to a complete agreement of moving stuff out. Where she is moving to is already furnished. We have decided that if box were to be stored they would need to go in a closet or shed. But with having company coming in 6 mi for the baby we could leave it functional as a bedroom. So we will see about that. But other then that we agree on everything.

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