Working Moms
nymom1015
member
Mom - the Breadwinner
nymom1015
member
in Working Moms
Need some tips from other working moms. I’m a mom of a 1 year old. We plan on trying for our second child soon. I’d like for them to be close in age. I’m a working mom, and I’m the breadwinner. If it weren’t for my salary, we would not be able to afford a house, vacations etc. My husband works hard, but not as hard as me. It’s just the way it is in our household. I have days that I feel great, being a working mom, and “balancing” it all. Other days, I’m a wreck, and I argue with my husband, because I dream of staying at home. I feel guilty I’m not always there for her, etc. How do you other moms handle this? I need someone to help lift up my spirits.
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Re: Mom - the Breadwinner
I can somewhat relate. I am the main breadwinner. DH makes a very good salary but our lifestyle is predicated on my income. After years of struggling with that issue, it dawned on me one day - we live the way we do because I want to live this way. DH would be perfectly happy to live in a smaller house, take less expensive vacations, not have nice things etc.; it’s ME that really wants those things. DH has always said (and I believe him too) that he will “down-size” in a heartbeat if that is what will make me happy. It also helps that DH is very helpful around the house, shares the parenting responsibilities equally, and is working hard in getting his graduate degree to further his career.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
We also sat down and came up with a very detailed financial plan so that in a few years’ time, if I wanted to, I can take on a less well-paying job without significantly compromising our lifestyle.
My DS is almost 2 and although I miss him during the day, I don’t feel guilty that I’m not there with him every minute of every day. He is learning lots by being with different people.
The grass is always greener on the other side. I think you should sit down with your DH and explain how you feel, see if there’s something you can do to make life easier/happier for you (e.g. work less days/hours) and come up with a long-term plan.
It took me a long time to be comfortable being the mom I am. I love my son to death, but I don't think my world revolves around him. He makes my world fuller, but I have my own life with goals, and that doesn't make me a bad mom. When I'm spending time with E, we are really spending time together, when I"m working or traveling, I'm focusing on my career. DH and I split most things 50/50, and there are some weeks where he does more than me. We also have an amazing nanny who helps pick up around the house, and we have house cleaners.
I personally think moms like me don't speak up enough, I always wondered if there was something wrong with me or if I was missing a mom 'gene' or something because I didn't let my world revolve around kids. There are many successful women who have great careers, and they are also great moms.
OP, on the days where you dream of staying home, did something happen at work that made you feel that way? I am wondering if there is something going on with your career that makes you want to stay home or if it's a feeling you always have. And was your husband always "less hard-working" or is this a recent change? If he was always like that, then I hate to say it but you knew what you were getting into when you married him.
My husband is less ambitious than me and I knew that when we got married and I was ok with it. He actually helps keep me grounded because if it weren't for him, work would easily take over my life. I do make more than him currently but I do not consider myself to be the breadwinner - I feel like we are equal contributors to our household (he makes good money, I just happen to make more right now - this wasn't always the case). Regarding the guilt of leaving my LO, I know that for me, I need to work to preserve my sense of identity and I know that I am a better Mom because I work. Like PP, I feel like I don't really have a Mom gene. I love my kid (and soon to be kids) dearly but I also know that I need to balance the time I spend with them with the time I spend on myself and my career.
It also helps that I am comfortable with the care DS receives while I am away from him. He gets socialization with other children at DC and he learns more than I would be able to teach him if I stay at home with him.
I think it helps to look at it with a perspective that you ALWAYS have choices and OPTIONS in life. Sometimes we don't realize that our current situation is a product of decisions that we have made.
I make 2X what DH does, I don't consider myself the breadwinner though because with the choices and lifestyle decisions we have made as a couple neither of us could stay at home unless we "undo" some of these decisions. And honestly, I don't WANT to undo those decisions. I don't want to live in a much smaller home, in a less desirable area, with schools that are not nearly as good as our 'top 10' district in the state. I don't want to sacrifice our retirement savings, or investments and savings for DD's college. I don't want to cut our vacation budget, or services like cable and cell phone plans, or go down to a single vehicle so that I can stay home with my child. Could we do it absolutely, although I doubt DH would want to make any of these changes either.
I knew when I married DH that he was not as ambitious as I am, but that doesn't mean he doesn't work hard. In fact, I would say 9 out of 10 days he works much harder than I do (often putting in more hours) His field, and job just pays less and has less room for advancement (which he doesn't want anyway).
Sure there are always going to be days that tug at my heart. That I wish I could be with DD for whatever reason instead of working that day, and maybe some of those days I will find a way to make it happen. But, because I am confident that our lifestyle is the best for our entire family and to sustain it both DH and I must work, there is no resentment.