Dh problems...

lewispm · May 2014

This is nothing major, just something that's been bothering me a lot lately and I wanted to see if anyone else could commiserate or has any advice.

Ok, so its pretty apparent Kellen can be a challenge sometimes, but he really is a GOOD baby when he's not teething. He rarely has tantrums (maybe 1 a day on average) and is generally a happy kid. Yes, he wants his way, yes he's persistent, no he doesn't listen very well, and yes, he repeatedly tries to get into absolutely everything he is not supposed to. All normal toddler behavior, am I right??

Well, MH lacks patience. I have always known this, and its something he is aware of and admits he needs to work on as well. Especially when it comes to K. The thing is, though, that he is always commenting to me about how K is "so bad" or "so difficult" and how he is just "not like other toddlers" in that we have it so much worse than other parents. He has no experience with other toddlers and has very few close friends with kids and doesn't really talk about his kids much even with the ones that do have them. So basically, he is just basing it off of what he believes to be true based on absolutely nothing.

I am getting so sick of hearing about how "bad" and "difficult" K is whenever he is having a rough day. I get defensive and have to bite my tongue all the time. I tell MH a lot of yall's stories and try to tell him that I am friends with so many moms on here that have similar and even worse stories than we do and he doesn't buy it. I mean, he loves K and they play all the time and have tons of fun, but whenever K gets even the slightest bit fussy or difficult, its all of the sudden all "why is he like this? Why can't he be easier like other babies his age?" So annoying!!!

Ok, vent over. Anyone else have husbands that just don't understand? LOL.

Barefoot84 · May 2014

Do you want to borrow my kid for an afternoon, so he can see how much "easier" she is?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think I would be able to bite my tongue.

ThePinkSuperhero · May 2014

That sounds rough. My DH gets caught up in comparing our son to the kids of other kids we know. Oh, did you see Bobby knows where his ears are?! LO, LO, WHERE ARE YOUR EARS WHERE ARE YOUR EARS? He comes home from church the other day saying, Jeffrey knows 80 words, in English and sign language! I'm like, O RLY? Did he personally tell you that- or did his parents? Who the hell has that kind of time to keep track? He needs to learn to do a little more eye-rolling and a little less worrying.

EandIMommy86 · May 2014

I can relate in a different way. I am sorry you are going through this. My husband is under the impression that every toddler DD's age is talking full sentences. He has the nerve to say "do more educational stuff with her." First of all DH, you are at work ALL day and don't know what goes on here during the day. Secondly, not only do we have someone from EI here 3 weeks out out of the month, I read to her, expose her to different children and places, sing with her, etc. She will go at her own pace. Men a lot of times have a one track mind and do not see the entire picture.

lewispm · May 2014

chipmunk112511 said:

This is MH 100%. OMG it annoys me to all ends. Yes he is a nromal toddler but we have had it pretty darn easy with him and I swear everytime he says how hard Austin is and how difficult it is I am just like really dude...really. I wish I could hand him someone elses kid that is a lot worse and say now you know how great ours is. He also uses this when I talk about #2...*eye roll*

THIS! I get so frustrated by it! He is always "If we had an easy baby like (so and so's name), I'd be ready for another one by now". So maddening!

I am constantly reminding him of how consistently K sleeps through the night (99.9% of the time), asks for his naps and goes right to sleep, is finally learning independent play, etc. We can sometimes even close the baby gate in his playroom and watch a movie while he plays with his toys with very little interruption from him (besides the occasional tasting some fake soup or squealing as he chainsaws us in half) unless he starts climbing on the table or something. Not too shabby if you ask me!

aylafsu88 · May 2014

That sucks and I can understand your frustration. That sounds like unrealistic expectations from your H. A toddler will have meltdowns and tantrums, it is part of them learning to control their emotions and they do test boundaries. Maybe have your H spend some time with other toddlers so he can see what is normal? It may open his eyes to see other toddles push limits/have tantrums. If that is not an option maybe just remind him that this is just a phase and they do not act like this forever?

lewispm · May 2014

@paddyb, he has had to come down on the "financial reasons" part some. He got a large raise, we got a large tax return, and I have been putting $200 aside every month for "family" ie: new baby. He now admits he is just not ready to go through it all again and not ready to do "most of the Kellen work" since I would have a newborn. He sees our niece (4 months old) and how laidback and easy she is and always says "If Kellen had been like Lila, I'd be ready for #2!" I admit, Kellen was A LOT more difficult than Lila has been so far. But infancy was our struggle. Toddlerhood has been a breeze comparatively yet he STILL complains and acts like Kellen is the most difficult child on the planet. He's not.

He also raises his voice to Kellen frequently. He doesn't see it as a bad thing in the least. He says I am too soft with him and he doesn't listen to me because of it. He will be climbing on something and I will repeatedly tell him no, remove him, put him in time out, and nothing works and its just a game and he is all smiles. MH will yell "No! We do no climb on that!" VERY loud and stern and Kellen will cry, but stop climbing. I cringe inside when he yells like that and we have discussed it before, but he believes it is the "right" way to parent and its obviously effective so he does it. Maybe I should stand my ground a little more since I really don't like the yelling, but I know that if its not yelling it will probably be spanking and I'm not sure which one I prefer... It's hard raising a child with someone brought up 100% completely opposite of you.

KarmB · May 2014

I jut have to remind hubby that shes (almost) 2. its called terrible 2s and the terrible 3s for a reason. he asks if your guys kids do the same thing. yup. most of them will have a tantrum over something stupid. theyre toddlers. toddlers are assholes. think our hubbies problems are just beause its unfamiliar territory for them. when #2 is a toddler he'll just nod his head.

cwm11985 · May 2014

That is my husband too! IT IS SO IRRITATING! No tucker is not a dream child but ffs no toddler is. My h always wants to put him in time out for things that aren't even really bad behaviors. He doesn't understand that toddlers aren't always purposefully bad; they're discovering and experimenting and undesirable behaviors are bound to follow.

lewispm · May 2014

cwm11985 said:

That is my husband too! IT IS SO IRRITATING! No tucker is not a dream child but ffs no toddler is. My h always wants to put him in time out for things that aren't even really bad behaviors. He doesn't understand that toddlers aren't always purposefully bad; they're discovering and experimenting and undesirable behaviors are bound to follow.

This exactly. MH thinks he is purposefully trying his patience all.the.time. When I stick up for him he acts like I am being too much of a pushover and let him "get away" with too much. Sorry, but a toddler having a meltdown because the dog chewed up his new toy is not something that needs to just be ignored or disciplined. He is upset. He doesn't understand and he needs to be comforted and talked through it and taught how to cope with disappointment in a healthy way.

snickersforeveryone · May 2014

You should also point out to him that toddlers are fascinated by newness. On the rare occasions he has been around another toddler, just having him there is enough to change that child's behavior.
Em is a dream, even if she skips her nap...if other people are around or we are visiting somewhere. If she gets tired at home when it's just us though, she stops listening, has tantrums, throws stuff, smacks, etc.
Your DH isn't seeing the whole picture of other kids, just little snapshots.

FWIW, Kellen seems like an angel. He is going to pick up on your DH comparing him eventually...better to stop it now.

pinkangelmoon · May 2014

Ugh sorry that sounds frustrating. DH will comment how our kids are acting a certain way because they are spoiled by my parents (who watch them during the week). And I have to remind him that they are just being toddlers. I give him J12 stories and point out other children so that he knows its typical toddler behavior. DH is also more quick to yell for something and I also have to remind him to be a little more calm. He's normally patient but he has a low tolerance for bad behavior (especially when LO's are hurting each other). I've been thinking of looking for books that we can both read so that we are on the same page.

aylafsu88 · May 2014

cwm11985 said:

That is my husband too! IT IS SO IRRITATING! No tucker is not a dream child but ffs no toddler is. My h always wants to put him in time out for things that aren't even really bad behaviors. He doesn't understand that toddlers aren't always purposefully bad; they're discovering and experimenting and undesirable behaviors are bound to follow.

@cwm11985 Yes. My H does the same thing. He is constantly micromanaging LO on everything and telling her what she should and should not do. Who the fuck cares if she wants to dip her crackers in her water cup or carry the pots around the house.

WonderJess · May 2014

Just a note to those of you who have husbands saying their stronger, louder method of discipline "works" and yours doesn't.... please remind them that if YOU are the one who stays home and deals with the kid(s) and they see wayyyy more of you it is only natural that your authority somewhat wears off. My kids listen to me and follow my directions better in a general capacity because they are used to having their lives run by mom. But they react stronger to my husband getting really upset at them than they do when *I* do it. And I have a pretty mastered stern voice. They just know that if Daddy is that upset it must be serious.

And if they think the kids are intentionally pushing buttons now just bring them around a pack of four year olds.

lewispm · May 2014

andreab7412 said:

Hugs! H has three younger siblings so he knows G is normal. I second taking him around a toddler play group. We have some friends who have horrible kids who most of the time are doing it for attention. Then we have others who have the freakishly "easy" kids. Is there anything they could do together that would be fun? H and G have a lot of things that are things they only do. Like lay in the grass and watch the birds or practice golf in the backyard. I think your doing a good job reminding him that at this age they have problems expressing their wants and needs without crying

Maybe I should clarify that he absolutely adores K and they get a lot of daddy-son time (I know you aren't implying otherwise). K's favorite thing is to ride around the neighborhood in the golf cart with daddy, shower with daddy, and wrestle with daddy. MH is great with him when he's happy, but just loses his patience so quickly the minute K starts acting up.

And it seems other kids we know DO act better than K, but its because we are around and doing something fun. Its obviously when we are at home, bored, or extra tired in the evenings that K is fussiest, and I'm sure its the same for the other toddlers we are around. MH just doesn't get the chance to witness it.

Pleione · May 2014

Can you barter? I'm considering offering to do the laundry if he remembers to turn the lights off when he leaves a room over here. Maybe you can ask him to stop complaining about LO in exchange for you doing/ not doing something he'd like? Might be more of an incentive for him to really try.

lewispm · May 2014

MissMusic said:

ARGH I'm frustrated just reading this! It sounds like Kellen is a VERY typical kid, and if not he's better than average! I think he lacks perspective, as you said. Kids this age are trying to gain some control, some independence, and trying to communicate things that they sometimes can't--and it sucks for them! I'm sure you know all of this, but it sounds like YH doesn't. Even knowing all of that, you can still be frustrated...it doesn't mean K is a bad baby!

I hope you guys can work on the parenting styles. I would be upset if MH yelled at Lillian a ton or told her she was a bad baby. I don't even know how to approach that, but other people here have told you some good things.

FWIW, we have friends who's baby #1 was a nightmare: didn't sleep much ever, tantrums, daredevil, escape artist, balls to the wall energy EVERY DAY, not good with other kids or pets, etc. Kid #2 was the polar opposite: calm, happy, great sleeper, etc. They are 4.5yrs and almost 2.5 yrs old now, and everyone has their sanity intact!

He never actually tells Kellen he is being bad, but will say things to me about it. He also has quite the exasperated tone with him sometimes. As far as the different parenting opinions, it is one we are constantly working on. I get that boys (or any kids!) need stern discipline every once in a while, but its the age that gets me right now. He doesn't understand his own emotions, so how can we expect him to understand our? Daddy yelling at him is scary. When he's 5 or 6, maybe he will be better equipped to understand daddy still loves him even when he's bad, but right now it just makes him sad and scared. Yes, it stops the behavior (temporarily), but I'm just unsure how I feel about it. Mostly its him yelling "NO!" very loudly and firmly (just like he does to the dogs, actually) When K is doing something bad. He always hugs him after and is sweet with him and explains why he got in trouble, but I'm still on the fence about whether it's appropriate discipline at this age.

I don't honestly remember if I was yelled at as a kid. I know I got the occasional spanking or threat of spanking, but I can only remember maybe 2 times in my life (before adolescence of course, all bets are off after 13 years old!) where my parents got mad enough to yell at me. MH was yelled at a lot. He was threatened to be hit by his dad once he was a teenager and even remembers his dad smacking him around a few times (not a spanking as a child, but a smack in the face as a teenager). He admits he does not want to do this kind of thing to K, but has no hard feelings towards his dad and doesn't think its a big deal. His family also yells. A LOT. they yell, curse, etc and its totally tolerated. My family and my raising is/was extremely different. If we yelled at my parents, we would have been grounded for days!

lewispm · May 2014

MissMusic said:

Ugh, I can't quote AGAIN--

Lewispm I didn't mean to imply that he yells at K, sorry. I would just worry that K can hear it. I have no doubt that YH adores LO, I was just saying that I hope you can meld your parenting styles.

Oh I didn't take it that way! I mean, he DOES yell at K, but he just doesn't say negative things to him, but rather to me about him. And yes, often right in front of him.

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