best way to announce pregnancy to sister struggling with infertility??

candyfisherman · April 2014

Hi Ladies!

I'm getting close to the "safe" 13 week mark in this pregnancy and trying to think about how best to share this new with my older sister who has been struggling with infertility for about 7 or 8 years.

A little history..this is my 3rd pregnancy..and was unplanned. We are happy about it & nervous too tho;) With our first baby (planned)..we told everyone right away and my sister's first words to me were "you brat, that was supposed to be me"..not exactly what i wanted to hear:\ Our second baby, when we told her I got "I knew u'd get pregnant before u planned"..fair enough tho, we had though we'd wait a little longer, but weren't exactly trying too hard to prevent anything;) Both times she has come around just fine after the initial conversation and seemed genuinely happy for us. I am nervous about telling her this time because our relationship seems to be different now, we're not really as close anymore and for the past few months now when I do call or txt her she is always busy or gives me 1 word replies. I have asked if everything is ok and she assures me it is..but obviously it is not:( (And my mother has asked that I let her know when I'm going to tell my older sister as she thinks it will be hard for my older sister to hear my news)

Anyhow..I had been thinking about doing some kind of fun photo announcement to mail all my family (they all live on the other side of the country..including my older sister)..and I wondered if that would be a good way to tell her (that way she can react however she wants then call me when she's ready?) or if that's insensitive and I should call & tell her before I mail her an announcement??

What do you ladies think? I would appreciate anyone's opinion..especially if you have been in a similar situation!!

Thanks!

ccam · April 2014

I would tell her before sending out an announcement but still send her one. ETA: I know a lot of people said to e-mail your sister, but I think that totally depends on your relationship. If I was in her situation and my sister e-mailed me that news, I would be completely hurt. Call me, tell me in person, but don't text or e-mail me that. Also, I said to still send her an announcement after telling her because if I found out I was left out of that while everyone received one, that would bother me. People with IF don't want to be completely left out of everything, forever. If she gets it on the day she gets a BFN, she might throw it away, but let her decide that. But obviously, everyone is different, so I think that depends on the two of you.

MrsAdventure · April 2014

IMO, 'announcing' to her might not be the best way to think of it. In theory, sending out the announcement is a good idea, letting her have her privacy to process and all that. But she might build resentment as a formal announcement may feel like your showing off, rubbing it in, or seeking attention. And please don't misunderstand that as me saying you are doing any of those things, just a word of caution. You may just want to have a frank phone convo with her.

mb314 · April 2014

I think you should email her, and not do a cutesy announcement. A cutesy announcement will just make the sting worse. By emailing her (not calling or telling her in person), you are giving her the opportunity to react in private and go through whatever emotions she goes through before responding.

Maybe email her a day or two before the rest of your family to give a "head's up" to her and let her know that you're doing an announcement and it should be coming soon via email. that way she can choose to open or not open that cute announcement.

Praying4Miracle17 · April 2014

Definitely tell her before mailing out the announcement. I've been in your sister's shoes and appreciate that my younger sister told me personally about being pregnant with her second before she made her big announcement to the rest of the family. Gives your sister some time to process the news. You may not get the reaction from her that you want, but I think it would be worse if you just blindsided her. Good luck.

jess123456 · April 2014

Definitely email her before everyone gets the announcement if you opt to go that route. My friends and family have done that for me and it has been helpful to process it on my own. I wouldn't give her an announcement. That might be too hard for her. Emailing her gives her time to process it on her own. It's going to be very hard for her and like others have said I wouldn't expect her to show that much excitement. Good luck. It's a very difficult situation for sure.

KMW08 · April 2014

I agree to tell her before the rest of the family finds out. Definitely tell her before you send an announcement.

Also be considerate of when you tell her. Reading that in an email at work on any morning she's at work will most likely throw her for a loop and it's going to ruin her day, no matter what. That's the reality. And you might not know what she's really in the middle of--fertility meds and or treatments.

Another thing, don't freely let it be known this was unplanned to her, that's fuel to the fire. And frankly, this wasn't planned is a bunch of bullshit IMO. We all know how babies are made, so anytime sex happens (protected or unprotected) there's a chance of getting ktfu. Truth.

Carebella · April 2014

I'm in what feels like a similar boat where one of my best friends just found out she will need surgery and then they'll need to do IVF to get pregnant. I think it's safe to say that even though this is recent news it's still devastating and will make hearing our news difficult. I'm still torn over telling her in person or not as some of the posts I've found had people the strongly preferred one option over the other. But given that this is your 3rd, and her prior responses, I support the PP suggesting email, doing it prior to the announcements and definitely keeping the unplanned part under wraps.

ZAFrisbie · April 2014

I'm in a similar situation with a co-worker. She and her husband have been trying for the past five years, and happily found out she was pregnant at the beginning of the year. At twelve weeks she told our office,only to find out that the baby was not developing properly two days after and lost the baby. So I've been dying trying to figure out how to share the news with our office, while being respectful of her current situation. I think I'm going to do what others have suggested, and let her know personally in an email a few days before announcing to the rest of the office. As well, I'm just going to try and keep baby chat to a minimum in her presence, I know it's not easy for her right now. So pretty much I agree with what others have suggested for you and plan on doing the same. My only suggestion is to call her. She might say something mean back, but you know she doesn't mean it, it's just a reaction based on her own frustration and challenges with infertility. I think because it's your sister you should call instead of email. Email sometimes seems to impersonal for family matters. But it's only a suggestion! Do whatever you feel comfortable!

SarahHeck · April 2014

It really just depends on the person how you tell them. Did your mom have any advice on how to tell her?

If I had this situation, I'd just have my mom tell my sister and have her mention I'm worried about telling her and don't want to hurt her (which would be true) and then I'd call my sister a couple days later to "tell" her even though I know she knows, but then she'd have had time to process and pretend to be happy for me. I know some siblings would get pissed off at their siblings if they found out about a pregnancy through mom first, but my relationship with my sister isn't that way. A lot of times we get "updates" about eachother from our mom so that wouldn't be unusual or hurtful.

absolutelymaybe · April 2014

First off, I had to side eye a little at the idea of mailing a pregnancy announcement. I think we're all getting a little carried away with making a big deal out of every little announcement. I can see maybe EMAILING them the cutesy announcement, but actual mail? I'd save that for the actual birth announcement.

Secondly, I would email your sister and tell her your news first. Don't send her an announcement automatically, but ask her if she would like one. It puts the ball in her court and she can deal with your big news on her own time. (Note to the people who said to call her -- I would NOT do that. You have no idea what she's doing at that moment and being forced to respond to your news and deal with her own emotions on the spot is a horrible feeling. Trust me. I've been there.)

ttuprincess · April 2014

I agree with PPs that you should not send her a an announcement. E-mail her or tell her before she receives something like that. I have been on her side and it is so much easier to process if someone tells you themselves, even if in an email, and acknowledges how hard they know it is for you, rather than just getting a general announcement like everyone else.

jess123456 · April 2014

I completely agree with not calling her. That is way too much pressure for her. My sister's first pregnancy she called me to announce and at that time I just had two back to back losses. We have a very close relationship. She was so excited on the phone and I was driving and started ugly crying to her on the phone. It was awful and I told her I had to go. I had to pull over. I felt so guilty but I definitely would have responsed better to her via email once I had to time to nicely compose my thoughts back to her like I did for her second pregnancy. I think that response was easier on her too even though she knew that I would be sad for myself.

I love my niece of course but it's really hard to hear this news. Every Facebook announcement is also so hard to take. Fertility issues made me a bitter person and I still carry a lot of guilt for that but it is what it is. Maybe now I'm too empathetic or careful even on Mother's Day or Father's Day which seems like it should be a great day could be a nightmare for someone else.

Of course you know her the best but considering this is your third pregnancy it's easy to feel "lapped" if you will and that is really difficult.

missnacholover · April 2014

I would not mail an announcement under any circumstances because I think pregnancy announcements are lame. It's not like they are save the dates for a wedding.

Anyway, if this were me, I'd be sensitive to my sister and would probably call her. I think that is the most respectful thing to do.

ZAFrisbie · April 2014

I say "yea" to pregnancy announcements, and I know a lot of people think very differently. So first I will say, to each your own and do what makes you happy! But DH and I both don't have any social media accounts, as well as, prior to this year DH has been military which means a lot of our friends and family are literally all over the world and we think it's important to share the news with them prior to baby's arrival. And we'll probably be those lazy people that just put the birth announcement in the christmas card, as the holiday's will be so close!

pete2835 · April 2014

Privately so she can handle the sad feelings. I wouldn't bring up the not on purpose component....just leAve it out unless she brings it up.

candyfisherman · April 2014

Hi Ladies..thanks..I appreciate all of your replies..always good to hear different perspectives on such a touchy situation! I think I will maybe txt her saying I have some news and ask when a good time would be to call her..and tell her then. That way it gives her a bit of time to assume the nature of my news (i'm sure she'll assume correctly when i say i have "news") before she has to talk to me..but i'm not completely blindsiding her…?

ZAFrisbie · April 2014

That sounds like a great plan!

Acedit · April 2014

I know during our struggles and people announcing their pregnancies, I never struggled to be happy for others, but I always felt sad for myself, wishing we were "those people" expecting. Whatever way you end up telling her be as sensitive as possible without making her feel like she is a "victim". I think this is such a touchy subject as the relationship you have with your sister really depends on how to approach the situation. I personally would have rather been included in the big announcement (if that's how you wish to share your news), then get a special message, that would make me more uncomfortable.... and singled out, which is not my thing. In the past when you have told her one-on-one her reaction doesn't seem to thrilling, so you can't expect her to react any differently the third time around. I know with us struggling for 3 years and everyone around us getting married I knew families were the next step, so I told myself often "I bet so-in-so is pregnant or will be soon".... so I'm sure she does the same. I guess maybe it is a defense mechanism to protect our feelings. I wish you luck however you decide to tell her.

Ashleyfurillo · April 2014

Deff tell her first! When I got pregnant with DS my sister had had 2 MC the year before and I called her and told her before we told anyone else. I didn't this time but that's because they are now seeing a specialist and are in a better place than they were last year. She is beyond happy for me and I know she it will happen for her when it's meant to be

best way to announce pregnancy to sister struggling with infertility??

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