STM and STM+ - Introducing Baby to Other Children

knitsandgiggles · April 2014

So I had a bit of panic attack yesterday. I offered to babysit my friend's 2 month old for a few hours in the afternoon each week until she returns to work in 3 weeks. She can get some errands done and I can get some experience with having a toddler and a much younger baby to watch.

Everything was going great - the girls napped at the same time and I was able to make dinner. As soon as I brought DD downstairs from her nap and she saw the sleeping baby in the rock 'n play, she lost it. She immediately wanted me to just hold her which I couldn't do because by that point she had woken up the young baby who was hungry and also looking to be held. So I managed the younger baby's needs and comforted DD as she followed me from room to room crying. She did finally stop once I sat on the couch and put her next to me while I fed the baby her bottle. After about 30 minutes, everybody was a lot more relaxed and the tantrums were over with.

I just felt so bad for DD's reaction and all I could think was that she thought I was replacing her or something. Maybe its not that deep, but I still worry about how she is going to feel when LO is brought home. I know that eventually she will just have to get used to having a new baby in the house.

I know that it is suggested for the new baby to bring a present to a child already in the house, but I don't think DD is old enough to get that yet. She'll be 18 months when LO is born, so maybe she will by then? Do any of you experienced moms have any other suggestions to help with this transition?

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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RJHarmon · April 2014

Mine were 18 months apart as well. Do you talk to your DD about the baby? I encouraged by DD to talk to the baby in my belly, give hugs and kisses and stuff like that. We bought her a doll and a toy from her brother (but she didn't really get that it was supposed to be from him though). Once we delivered, we made sure that she was the first family member in to see him and made a big deal about it. We didn't have any major issues.

I would buy her a doll though and when you are busy with baby, encourage her to do the same mommy things with her baby while sitting next to you.

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knitsandgiggles · April 2014

RJHarmon said:

Mine were 18 months apart as well. Do you talk to your DD about the baby? I encouraged by DD to talk to the baby in my belly, give hugs and kisses and stuff like that. We bought her a doll and a toy from her brother (but she didn't really get that it was supposed to be from him though). Once we delivered, we made sure that she was the first family member in to see him and made a big deal about it. We didn't have any major issues.
I would buy her a doll though and when you are busy with baby, encourage her to do the same mommy things with her baby while sitting next to you.

This is a great idea! I think I've been incorrectly assuming she won't understand baby being in the belly. She does like to snuggle up to me and she definitely notices the kicks. I will help facilitate a conversation between the two of them : )

Dutch Apple Pie · April 2014

Books about being a big sister, let her help you prepare, take her shopping for a special baby gift, maybe let her pick the take home outfit. All of us older kids go through it and come through fine, she'll be ok.

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abundancenow · April 2014

My son is older, so he probably gets the concept better. We've discussed that he needs to be gentle when baby comes and how he will be bigger and have to help keep her safe. Theres also a sibbling class at the hospital we plan to take a month before she's due. I'm thinking of buying a baby doll so he can practice and get play in to help with understanding how to handle her.

iris427 · April 2014

My daughter was a little over 2.5 when my second child was born. We had talked to her about having a new baby, bought her a bunch of books, took her to pick out stuff for the new baby, etc. when we set up the pack n play, we explained that this is where the new baby would sleep, that kind of thing. When he was born, she loved him from the start. She didn't freak out about us holding him. But she definitely had an adjustment period. She seemed really angry at DH and me for the first month, and had a TON of temper tantrums. After the first month, it got much better. She liked to play baby and have me pretend to take care of her like i was with the new baby. Some moments of jealousy are inevitable and normal. Try to make sure your older child still gets some one on one time with you. Sometimes the baby will have to wait a few minutes while you tend to your older child's needs--make sure it doesn't seem like you are always taking care of the baby first. A new big sister present is a nice touch too--she can get it when she meets the baby the first time. It can be hard to adjust but she'll be just fine.

AKbadwolf · April 2014

The way I did it with my boys and will do it again this time is I have them talk to the baby and involve them in the process as much as they understand. Then when the new baby is born, I make sure siblings are the first to meet the new baby. I wont be holding the baby when DD comes in the room so I am free to snuggle and love on her. Once I have spend time loving on her, I will have DH bring over baby for her to hold while sitting on my lap.

eortman · April 2014

When DD was born DS was 21 months old. We had no issues with jealousy at all, so I guess we were lucky. We did talk about the new baby alot before she was born and he was totally prepared to meet his baby sister. We made sure that DS was the first person to meet his sister at the hospital (other than DH and I) after she was born. He definitely had a sense of ownership of her from the start, so that was great. With this one, they kids are both eagerly awaiting their baby brother. I worry a little that DD will be jealous, but we have done everything we can to prepare her and overall she likes babies. Hopefully your LO will be better with her own sibling than this "stranger baby" that is visiting.

marathonmom823 · April 2014

DS will be just shy of 3 years old when this LO is born. We took him to my 20-week ultrasound and he got to "meet" the baby then. He loves to hug and kiss my belly when I get home from work, as well as at bedtime each night. He'll snuggle right up against my belly while we read our bedtime books, and he loves to feel her kick. I'm planning for him to be the first one to meet the baby (other than DH of course) too.

knitsandgiggles · April 2014

Thanks for all of the great ideas!

shanaynerz · April 2014

All this advice is so helpful. I'm scared, too, b/c DD will be maybe 20 months when both babies get here. I know I'll be super busy with two babies plus her. We have a nanny who can help, but I'm still the mother who she usually wants most! I can totally see her wanting to help, but she's also getting to that jealous stage, too. I'm trying to teach her to wait. Like she'll whine just b/c she wants something, but I tell her it's okay, just wait, b/c she'll definitely need to wait when the babies are here! The idea of having a special toy for her in the hospital when she meets them is a good idea I think and I plan for her to be the first one to meet them after they're born. It'll be nice having it just be the 5 of us at the start.

slensic · April 2014

I am nervous about this too, DD will turn 3 a month before his arrival. My plan so far is, we read lots of big sister books. She has been helping me with the nursery and baby laundry. I had her make art work that we will hang up in the nursery, She hasn't been allowed to go to an u/s which is a bummer but we have looked at pictures of him and then also done lots of looking at her baby pictures and talking about what she was like as a baby. She will be getting a new doll with a doll carseat/carrier as a present from the baby. She will be the first one to meet him and I want to make sure that I am not holding him when she comes in. I want DH to put her on the bed with me and then bring him over for her to see after she has gotten hugs and kisses from me. We do lots of talking about what an exciting thing it is to be a big sister.

jcartz · April 2014

In addition to some of the pp's responses, one thing my pedi suggested surprised me... At the first time they meet in the hospital, she suggested that the baby be in the bassinet, and that I NOT be holding her. This way DD1 can walk up to her without me & say hello OR choose to say hi to me first -- but I won't be immediately seen as choosing to hold the baby over being with DD1 if that makes sense.

Also - don't force interaction once you're home. If the older child wants to ignore the baby, let them for a while. Older kid has to make the decision when and what the relationship will look like between them, not the parent. That's not to say they won't see you interact with the baby, of course, but if DD1 doesn't want to feed / hold/ sing to DD2, I'm not going to make her.

These are kind of worst case scenarios, but were interesting & sort of new concepts to me. Of course I want DD1 to be in love and amazingly sisterly right away, but I can't expect that, and I have to be ready for jealousy and territorialness over me & DH - she will be 4.5 and has had a long time with us to herself.

abrazz · April 2014

My first two are 20 months apart. We read her big sister books, had baby dolls, and really tried to prepare her. She seemed pretty happy at the hospital meeting him but the first time we put him on "her" changing table, she had a major melt down. She sobbed. I felt terrible. I was so upset. It didn't take long though and she got used to him. This time she is excited and likes to feel the baby move. My son knocks on my belly and says "hey baby wake up I'm knocking on your woof". It's pretty cute. There will be 3 years between them and I just see it being easier since he is so much more independent than DD was when he was born.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I go back and forth on wondering how DS will react...sometimes I worry he'll act out for attention but other times I think he'll be just fine. He will be 3 1/2 and he's just so darn excited about finally having a sibling. I really think he's kind of lonely being an only child because he keeps bringing up how the baby will sit next to him in the car and stuff like how he's waiting until the baby is big enough to play with him at his train table which he's hardly touched since Christmas. I think the biggest issue is going to be when baby comes home and doesn't actually do anything besides eat, poop, sleep, and cry.

EllaSmella · April 2014

LeaLupins said:

I go back and forth on wondering how DS will react...sometimes I worry he'll act out for attention but other times I think he'll be just fine. He will be 3 1/2 and he's just so darn excited about finally having a sibling. I really think he's kind of lonely being an only child because he keeps bringing up how the baby will sit next to him in the car and stuff like how he's waiting until the baby is big enough to play with him at his train table which he's hardly touched since Christmas. I think the biggest issue is going to be when baby comes home and doesn't actually do anything besides eat, poop, sleep, and cry.

My DS is 3 1/2 too. This is almost exactly his reaction - talking about where the baby will sit in the car, where it will sleep, what toys she will play with. However, I'm also apprehensive that he'll be let down when DD doesn't do anything "fun" at first and then on top of that takes up a lot of Mommy's time. I'm hoping that our adjustment period will be relatively easy, but I'm definitely prepared for some tantrums and lots of whining.

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