I hate how IF makes are feelings go so up and down... (vent)

jencity9 · April 2014

Although I am typically a positive person, I have been overall pretty cynical with my IF. But I feel like in a way I'm protecting myself by not getting my hopes up. But what is it about IF that every single month we still manage to get a little hope again?? Last month was canceled for my fourth IUI because I didn't respond to meds. Today I went for my follicle scan for the next cycle and things are looking good.. I got the call to trigger Saturday and go in Monday for IUI and I am feeling elated and ecstatic... I feel like the month with my canceled cycle was so loooong and as a result I'm feeling the same kind of uplifted feeling that I did when we did our first IUI after surgery. And I'm sort of mad at myself for feeling sort of excited because that just means I'll be that much more let down if it's another BFN. I think it's the constant and extreme highs and lows of this journey that are soooooo difficult. Like maybe if I could keep my expectations super low it would be easier to handle. I'm just venting!

Mozzarella13 · April 2014

I totally get it! You are not alone!! At the start of this IVF cycle I was feeling like it was a sure bet, and now I'm so negative it's ridiculous. I think it's like you said though--being negative to protect ourselves from the letdown. ((Hugs))

ktupiak · April 2014

I get it, me and DH were just talkin about me not expecting anything because im so used to being shot down. Just do what feels right for you and helps you get theough everything!!. ((Hugs))

aves0708 · April 2014

I know exactly how you feel! Even though I got the same BFN every cycle I still couldn't help but feel so excited every time I saw a positive OPK and we had good timing. For this IUI cycle, things did not go as planned and I'm not even convinced the IUI happened on the right day but that didn't prevent me from being so excited to go in and do it. I try so hard to keep my expectations low so the disappointment is easier to deal with, but there is such a fine line between being realistic and pessimistic.
I figure as long as I can keep hoping then I know this challenging journey is still worth the ups and downs. Hugs!

sunlavender · April 2014

IF is a rollercoaster of emotions. Hope is always a good thing. Even if it makes the fall hurt more.

jjgrl55 · April 2014

Very relatable. I have my hopes super high that somehow this last cycle before testing will magically work, even though we had terrible timing and I have already had some cramping and spotting.

I usually ask DH to give me all the reasons why I'm most likely NOT KU just to help manage my expectations a bit. It can be a downer, but realistically talking about your chances can be helpful to reduce the "hope bubble" so that when it bursts, it hurts a bit less.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

I totally understand your feeling! I try to have really, really low (nonexistent) expectations for the short-term (this cycle, the next few months of planned interventions), but the super positive expectations for the long-term, inaccessible future (I will eventually have a child or get through the grief and accept childlessness).

It's really mixed up and I have to make sure not to bash our short-term chances too much or DH might start making noises about why are we spending all this money, haha.

But...it's super exciting that everything is going well for this IUI, especially after your last was cancelled, so I guess it's normal to be excited and hopeful about those small victories, even if they are not the final prize in hand quite yet!

Good luck this weekend.

TTCBabyJ · April 2014

IF is a total emotional roller coast....if I get good news like a positive opk or even an elevated BBT I'm in a great mood but let my temps.

(
I've said it before I'm IF's bitch.

theholmanherd · April 2014

I feel the same way. No matter how much I tell myself "this isn't the month", I still feel super disappointed when I get the BFN. And then I just get so frustrated. I hate it. I'm sorry you're feeling down

DharmaChick · April 2014

It really is a crazy rollercoaster. Some cycles I have managed to keep my expectations low, but the BFN didn't hurt much less than when I was optimistic.

The BFN for my first IUI may have been the hardest, b/c I had somehow believed that the meds and IUI would magically give us a BFP on our first try. Lol. The most recent cycle was also one when I was nearly certain that I was pregnant. At one point I even speculated that we may be having twins! Haha. IF totally messes with your head!!

Hope is always good, even if you are let down. At least the feeling of optimism allows you feel better at that time, rather than miserable the whole time. During one of my cycles when I was feeling pretty negative, this board was the absolute best, offering their hope for me when I couldn't. I put the same out there for you: if you are scared to hope, let us hope for you. *Hugs*

Pintobean39 · April 2014

I tell myself every month, don't get your hopes up, then I do and I'm devastated. This journey that I have been on has taken pieces of me away that I will never get back. My husband and I were talking the other day and he mentioned that because of this when I do get pregnant I won't even be able to enjoy the pregnancy. I'm thinking to myself "when"??? ...... no it is "if". Every month that goes by another piece is taken away from me. I don't really know how much more I can take.

nswain85 · April 2014

All of these replies got it right on... I have become a person who I don't want to be and I'm only on cycle 14. Negative, bitter, flat out mean about stuff. Truthfully, I don't know if it will ever get any easier or less devastating but I just know some how, some day we will get our baby and all this shit will be worth it. I saw a post about 6 months in that really stuck with me and I wrote it in my notebook "I feel like I need to be hopeful, because of not, why am I doing this?" Do what you need to do to make sure you take care of yourself and are a priority. Self preservation is so important on this insane ride.

StacyLH24 · April 2014

I can 100% relate. When we first started, my RE was so optimistic and so were we. I do have some hope every cycle. With every IUI I have hope that something will work. I didn't understand folks who were snarky when we first started. My thought was, hey, you're trying to make a baby, why so snarky? Oh how naive I was! Today, literally, I am coming to embrace my snarky side. She is setting up camp in my head as we speak. Being snarky is not me at all. IF changes you permanently I believe. I have heard that even after having kids, it does not fade.

Over on the LGBT board, new folks are always super excited to be getting started with ICI or IUI. Sadly, my first thought is "you just wait for what's in store". Sad but true. I was one of those excited and optimistic people once.

I was having a bad day last week and thought about how excited I was after my lap and hysteroscopy. I was just waking up from the meds and I made C give me a high five for our renewed chance at baby making. That was almost 6 months ago. I cried and got angry when I thought about it.

Big hugs coming your way!

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