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October 2014 Moms
Jennyc00
member
SAHM, working hubby, night schedule????
Jennyc00
member
I'm currently an RN and will be cutting back to working a few shifts per month on weekends after baby is here. Hubby works long hours during the week. This weekend I brought up the baby sleeping in a bassinet in the bedroom for several months and he acted completely clueless of this and freaked out. He said he would have to sleep upstairs in another bedroom if this was the plan because he "can't afford" to be exhausted all day at work. I asked if he planned on helping with nighttime routine at all and he said since he would be the one working I would have to take over and he could give me a break on weekends.
This seriously hurt my feelings and I don't know how to react. I realize we're lucky for me to cut back working so much and stay at home without daycare costs... But sleep in totally separate bedrooms for 4-6 months??? Didn't expect that reaction. I don't want to feel like I'm in this raising a baby thing all on my own because I'll be a SAHM. I expected dads to naturally expect for the first few months to be rough on us BOTH at times. He is a very light sleeper as am I ... I just don't want to feel alone and unsupported.
Other SAHM's: what is your night time routine with dad??
This seriously hurt my feelings and I don't know how to react. I realize we're lucky for me to cut back working so much and stay at home without daycare costs... But sleep in totally separate bedrooms for 4-6 months??? Didn't expect that reaction. I don't want to feel like I'm in this raising a baby thing all on my own because I'll be a SAHM. I expected dads to naturally expect for the first few months to be rough on us BOTH at times. He is a very light sleeper as am I ... I just don't want to feel alone and unsupported.
Other SAHM's: what is your night time routine with dad??
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SAHM, working hubby, night schedule????
Were in a similar situation - I'll be working from home but he'll be the one meeting with clients, going to court, etc. I expect to take on the majority of the late night stuff so he can function somewhat well rested, but he's definitely not off the hook. Especially he first few weeks.
We are limiting the time baby is in our room to help... But the nursery is literally 2 steps away so I'm ok with that.
Remember it's a joint decision who sleeps where and you have plenty of time to discuss options. And even if you take more of the night shift, that doesn't mean he should be completely off the hook. My H is more of a night owl than me so I always would go to bed early and have him take the first shift with our babies. That way, I get a few uninterrupted hours at the beginning of the night then he gets about six hours.
Babies are a lot of hard work. The best way to meet all of their needs are with team work. Now is the best time to get it worked out.
For us in the newborn stage this is what we did. I BF so we kept the baby in room with us. If the baby woke up I would BF then DH would change his diaper, reswaddle and put him back to bed. If our son was having trouble going right back to sleep we would switch off. Sometimes if it was a particularly hard night we would try to work out a time for one of us to get a nap in that day.
I will say that even now, it feels as if many times I am parenting alone. My husband is very helpful, but he does sleep during the day so there is no down time for me. My husband wakes up a few hours early and helps me do bath/dinner/lets me get a shower ect. But it is certainly a juggling act. We have to constantly talk about what we each need that day.
I had no idea. FTM and pregnancy. Thanks for the information.
I do think it's reasonable for your H to get up and help when you might have a shift/on his darts off and I don't know about the whole sleeping in another room thing. When the baby wakes, you could take it to another room and cause minimal disturbance to H's sleep.
Your husband's reaction seems a little harsh, though. Sorry. Even if the baby crying in the room woke him up, if you're nursing, won't he just fall back to sleep while you're feeding the baby anyway? Babies cry in the night, that's just how it is. Having a newborn is not easy on anyone's sleep, so he should probably get a handle on that now. Even if he's not going to be up for an hour at a time, a few times a night, he can't possibly expect to have perfect, uninterrupted sleep with a newborn in the house.
Yes, he drives to work and you don't have to as a SAHM, but you DO have a job that is demanding, and it doesn't end at 5pm. By refusing to help at all with nighttime parenting, your DH is saying that he doesn't consider SAH real work (which is a joke...it's tons of work), and that he essentially plans to commute and work his usual hours and then get a BREAK, whereas your new job will be 24/7, 365.
That attitude would not fly in my house. DH goes to work and I SAH, but we both recognize that our jobs are tough, and we share nighttime parenting responsibilities.
Also, I find that the easy way to convince a husband to let baby sleep in the parents' room is to say that DH has to be the one to go get baby from his/her room and bring baby to mama every time he/she wakes. It gets old really fast, and husbands tend to realize that they'll get MORE sleep when baby is within arms reach of mom.
It is also SAFER to keep baby within sensory distance of the parents. Sleep cycles are more natural, etc., and the risk of SIDS is much lower. You can read more about that here, and it might be compelling info for your DH:
https://cosleeping.nd.edu/articles-and-presentations/articles-and-essays/
Also, this book may be great for your DH:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0912500964?pc_redir=1398573758&robot_redir=1
There is a lot of time between now and October for your DH to get a realistic idea of what his expectations should be, and of how to properly support you. ((Hugs)) Wishing you the best!!!
Even if he did get up with LO I still wake up too. A few times DH has got up with the baby, but I just can't sleep if I hear them crying. So, there's really no point for him to get up with LO if I'm going to be up any way and honestly I'm able to get LO fed, changed, back to sleep faster than he can so I kind of prefer to just do it myself. Plus when I'm BFing there's not much he can do anyway. If we have a blowout or something he'll help me out, then goes back to sleep. It works for us.
Edit: add. LO sleeps in our room, in a bassinet on my side of the bed. DH has never suggested sleeping in another room. I wouldn't have a problem with it if LO was extra fussy one night and it was keeping him up too, but DH just deciding he'd sleep in another room for a few months would upset me too.
DS2 8/21/12
DD 9/26/14
Baby #4 edd 2/11/19
I EBF, and I think I got the much better deal because DH would get up whenever baby woke and change his diaper while I got ready to nurse. Once DS didn't need changing at every waking, DH would just sleep and I would wake to feed him, but DH was always right there to help and support me if I needed it.
As far as him sleeping in another room...while every night would irk me, every once in a while wouldn't. I actually have been sleeping in a different room than my husband for a couple of weeks because I have been sleeping so poorly, he would wake me up with his snoring. Now that I am sleeping better, I am going to start sleeping with him again.
Months even if they aren't planning to be SAHM. I was home for three months. My husband helped a ton and went to work on little sleep. We did sleep in separate rooms just so each of us could get some rest.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Married 8/27/2011
BFP #1 9/28/2011 DS born 5/22/2012
BFP #2 4/24/2013 m/c 4/25/2013 at 4w
BFP #3 1/31/2014 DD born 10/14/2014
BFP #4 1/20/2016 m/c 2/12/2014 at 7w2d
BFP #5 8/19/2016 DS2 born 4/29/2017
BFP #6 3/7/2018 EDD 11/18/2018
I hope we can get a routine down quickly. Luckily DD is a good sleeper now so I shouldn't have to worry about her in the middle of the night. But she still bed shares.
I just don't get needing him to get up with you just to feel like he's supporting you. There are other ways he can be supportive.
I SAH and my husband works. In the beginning, like another poster said, when I got to the end of my rope I'd wake my husband up and he would deal with her so I could have 5 (or whatever) minutes of not having to deal with baby time. Yes, he got tired, however, he didn't wake up everytime she was up only if I couldn't deal anymore. I understood that he had to work and I am blessed to stay home with our daughter. However, one day at work he went to talk to a coworker and ended up in the wrong cubicle. OOPS! But he also wanted to be a Dad too and in the newborn stage when Mom hits the end of her rope, it means Dad has to take over.... It's part of the fun.
My husband travels a lot for work, so I am by myself at least half of the week. When he is home, he is definitely there to help with night feedings or early wake ups. I bottle feed though, so he is easily able to take over.
I think every family is different in this respect, and y'all have to do what works for you. Sleeping in another room is over the top-I would not be okay with that at all. But, some babies sttn early and only wake up once or twice at most. Some are horrible sleepers-that shouldn't only be on the non working parent.
My point is, you never know how your baby will sleep or eat until they are here. Every baby is different. It is better to get your husband to agree to be flexible in helping you now instead of him putting it all on you because you SAH.
All of this. My son was the same way. Every two hours around the clock. And the first few weeks or so it was every 1.5 hours and it would take him about an hour to get through a feeding. (you do the math...uggh) He was breastfed and as others have mentioned, pumping was way harder than breastfeeding so all the feedings were on me. My DH got out of bed with me for every feeding the first few months. He couldn't "help" but misery loves company.DS #1 Born: 11/29/12
LO #2 EDD: 10/20/14
However, this was a MUTUAL DECISION. In the beginning, I was on leave, I was EBFing, and it was easier for DH to give me a break whenever he got home from work, rather than int he middle of the night. I tried moving back into bed after a few weeks, but it stressed ME out to worry about DS waking him up a ton (I'm crazy, I know, DH could have cared less).
DH and I still will sleep apart a lot because he snores like a bear and I get little sleep because of my crazy work schedule and every ounce of sleep is precious.
After that novel, the moral of my story is to discuss it now, but wait to see how it unfolds. I was always a staunch, "he's going to get up with me", believer. Then DS came, and it didn't work for us. You'll find what works for you both if you speak up and are honest with each other!
EDD: 10/10/14
Mommy to Jake, born 12/19/12
But honestly, once he went back to work, he would take over the baby from 8/9-11 pm so I could nap. Then from 11 til 6 am I was in charge then DH left for work around 730. My theory was it was better to have one sane adult than two crazy sleep deprived ones. Once I went back to work 2 days a week when DS was 4 months old, I expected DH to help at night ( bring the baby to me to nurse, them he changes diaper, etc). For 8 nights a month he happily helped. When DS was fussy some nights, I slept in the baby's room.
See how things go when the baby is here. I tried to think logically about it , and for our family the above worked got us. I personally didn't feel right maling DH get up when I was the one who was home and I was the one nursing. Now, it would be different if he was going out to the bar 3 nights a week (he wasn't), but if he's going to work all day then is coming home to see you and the baby ? I would cut him a break. He's probably nervous joe he is going to manage the stress, and he'll be the major breadwinner now ( I'm assuming).