FTM trouble visualizing baby

pushgal84 · April 2014

It's our first and we're super excited! However, I'm having trouble visualizing life once baby arrives. Maybe it's because I haven't spent much time around infants or because we've been together 8 yrs without a LO and that's all we know. The few times I can visualize a baby, it's a girl. Pretty sure that's just wishful thinking though

Now that I'm starting to show, I thought it would be easier to envision the future with baby, but no such luck yet. I'm hoping finding out the sex will help a little bit too. Anyone going through the same thing or any STMs feel this way with their first, then have it change later in pregnancy?

lrobi13 · April 2014

It is very abstract for me still. We still have the better part of 6 months to go plus no two babies are the same so I try not to envision too much. I'm just taking one day at a time and assume once we get closer to mid September it will more "real"

Jellybean813 · April 2014

I'm also having a hard time visualizing life with baby as well. I've imagined a baby for so long, and now that were months away from bringing baby home - its hard to imagine the actuality of it. I'm hoping that with the US and seeing baby things will seem more real. Also, that once we start to get the nursery set up and I get bigger it will become more real as well. I always imagined feeling immediately connected once I was pregnant - but most days I feel like nothing has changed other than that I can't have a glass of wine when I come home at night.

JessAnnJ · April 2014

What you are feeling is totally normal. DH and I had been together for 8 years married for about 5 when we had DD. I even had moments where I was sad and scared that chapter of our life was coming to an end. But trust me when I say that before you know it the baby will be here and you will have a hard time imagining your life without your LO. I would not worry about feeling connected or imagining things now. Even if you thought you could imagine what it will be like, I can pretty much guarantee it will be so much different than you imagine. It's just one of those things that you have to experience to know. Watching my DD learn and grow has been the most amazing thing I've experienced. Don't get me wrong it's not easy and I'm more tired than I have ever been in my life, but the happiness I have felt as a family of three is just so much different and better. My face seriously lights up when I am talking about my daughter, but I did not feel super connected during pregnancy and even for a couple months after birth.

My advice would be to plan what you need to plan for the baby and then focus on enjoying the remaining months you have as a twosome. Go out to eat, watch movies because those things will soon be hard to come by. But, trust that those things will soon be replaced with new things that are different but equally amazing.

ETA - I can't imagine what it will be like as a family of four, but I'm not really trying. Just enjoying things with the three of us.

heathera1979 · April 2014

I'm in the same boat. I can't wait for this baby, but I'm having trouble picturing how life will be. I know we're going to have an adjustment period as we'll celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary in June.

ladybug0088 · April 2014

I'm with you. We have been married 5 years so it has just been the two of us.

We just found out Friday we are having a girl but I can't visualize anything still. I thought it would make things easier knowing but it hasn't. I had no clue the entire pregnancy what it was either so that also didn't help.

We are both excited to know but with this being our first too no idea what reality will bring.

I've babysat for 16 years but being a full-time mommy will be different.

fisk2005 · April 2014

I feel the same way! For the longest I didn't think I would be able to conceive and now here we are! I had a random thought the other day that at some point someone will be calling me "mama" and reaching for me! Very scary and exciting at the same time.

yella726 · April 2014

I second all of you ladies! Still waiting for that "Shit Just Got Real" moment! I wonder if it will when I finally feel some baby kicks? I had my first non-strange baby dream last night and it's left me in a little bit of a dreamy haze today. I will take that!!!

NavyFlyer · April 2014

I feel the SAME WAY. I think maybe it will be better when I can feel kicks? Not just the flutters I feel now, but like have my hand on the belly and feel it.

Kirstin123 · April 2014

heathera1979 said:

I'm in the same boat. I can't wait for this baby, but I'm having trouble picturing how life will be. I know we're going to have an adjustment period as we'll celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary in June.

16 years!! Congrats!! Excited for you in this brand new phase. What an adventure!

ADH0906 · April 2014

Maybe we should have a running 'Shit just got real! moment' thread, because I'm waiting for it to hit me too. I absolutely cannot imagine our life with a kid, and it's hard for me to wrap my brain around actually having a baby in me. It's like I'm looking at someone else's ultrasound pictures.

I almost feel like when we signed closing papers on our house...we both had this 'what the hell, no one even made sure we were adult enough to have a house!' moment.

NavyFlyer · April 2014

ADH0906 said:

Maybe we should have a running 'Shit just got real! moment' thread

Yes, please :0)

aander6 · April 2014

lrobi13 said:

It is very abstract for me still. We still have the better part of 6 months to go plus no two babies are the same so I try not to envision too much. I'm just taking one day at a time and assume once we get closer to mid September it will more "real"

This if off topic but we actually only have like 5 months left if you can even believe it.

For me with my first it really didn't get real until we brought DD home from the hospital. I had no idea what life with a newborn would be. Constantly nursing, having no idea what you are doing, the crazy post birth emotions, blow outs... so many blow outs. But then you get into groove. I am having the same feeling with this pregnancy I have no idea how to envision our life with two kids. I am guessing I really wont be able to until it happens.

Sofia2529 · April 2014

I didn't have that "oh shit" moment until I was in labor and leaving my house to go to the hospital. I vividly remembering sitting in the passenger's seat of the car waiting for my dad and panicking because I realized the next time I'd be back, I'd have a baby with me. Even when I was leaving the hospital, I was surprised by the nonchalant attitude of the nurses. Like, you're just going to let me take him?

victoria+james · April 2014

I'm actually worried about when DH has his "shit just got real" moment. Lol!

HappyCianci · April 2014

These are totally legitimate feelings and I admire your willingness to mull them over. This will be my second, and it still sometimes feels "theoretical" to me, though definitely less so than when I was pregnant with my first.

In all honesty, even bringing my beloved newborn home felt like some kind of strange experiment. I think it takes months, even years to settle into your own unique identity as a parent. It's part of the joy of it all! Along the way you learn who your child is, what your parenting values are, and what other kinds of parents you'd like to spend time with.

As tempting as it is to try to be fully prepared and arrive into motherhood the day you get pregnant or even the day you give birth, it's good to be gentle and patient with yourself and let the transition happen gradually and naturally. Now my son is 3, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of who I am as a mom.... but only up to the toddler years! My son is still teaching me how to parent through every new age and stage. It's challenging, but so cool! It'll come!

yella726 · April 2014

@HappyCianci Beautifully written! Thank you for your words!

12bailey18 · April 2014

It's always like that for me. I couldn't really picture life with a baby and then I couldn't picture life with two and now I really can't imagine life with three! I'd say what your feeling is completely normal. It's all new territory that we've never experienced. Don't be too hard on yourself. Envisioning having a baby won't make you better prepared or a better mom. Nothing can truly prepare you.

BreandMikewedding · April 2014

This is my third and I have felt that way with all my pregnancies. For me it doesn't "get real" until I actually give birth and they leave me with the baby. I have moments quite often where I think "omg! Which seats am I going to use in our minivan when I have three?!" I'm so used to only using the two middle seats. I know that's weird that that is my biggest concern. Once you have your own baby, you figure it all out.

pushgal84 · April 2014

It's reassuring that so many feel or have felt the same way. Also, surprised at how many STMs feel this way about baby #2! Soon enough baby will be here, staring me in the face and shit will get real, fast. Can't wait to start this chapter, but think I'll focus on enjoying this time instead of worrying about the future.

irisheyes317 · April 2014

I feel the same way! In one sense, I know we're going to be bringing home a baby in 5-6 months, but I still just can't actually imagine what it's going to be like. Other than not drinking and simultaneously getting a new beer gut (aka baby bump/ bloat / whatever it is at this point) things still seem totally normal in our lives for now!

pushgal84 · April 2014

Kgrosskopf27 said:

I spent so much of my pregnancy dealing with anxiety related to labor that I didn't spend too much energy on all the other stuff. I read, went to classes and learned all that I could but really this is so much a learning on the job kind of thing. Almost a year after DD was born and we still have those moments of oh yeah we are the parents. Although there are some big things like taking them home or being at a playgroup and introducing yourself as "Xxx's" mom I do think it is a journey. Each step you take to prepare in pregnancy will help you learn more about life with a baby but it may not all hit for years. If you know any new moms or moms who are only a few months ahead of you - reach out and find out what their day is like. Most of us love to brag and sometimes complain but don't want to scare new moms to be. Maybe offer to help out for a few hours. I learned so much helping my sis with her kids.

That's a great idea! I have a handful of friends that I'm not super close with that are recently FTMs, so it would be nice to react out and maybe build some deeper relationships with them.

Firemanswife11 · April 2014

Yep. Terrified. Figured we'd have to work at getting pregnant because, well, it seems like for *most* people, a baby doesn't just "happen."

We signed a contract on a new house about three days before we found out we'd made a baby on my birthday. Like, literally the week we decided to "start trying and maybe something will happen within a year or so," we made a baby. We made a whole other life. That I can't visualize whatsoever.

In fact, I forgot I was pregnant until I walked past a window this morning, ha. But don't get me wrong! We're SO excited and SO thankful that it was not difficult to get pregnant. Just terrified that we're "going to be bad parents," even though we both love and are great with kids.

CheesyPeas · April 2014

I totally felt like that with my son. It was so weird after he was born too. I just kept thinking "this is really real. He really exists," and it was bizzare. And then when we took him home from the hospital, it was mind-blowing. I mean I knew they let you leave with your own baby but it just felt so strange that they were letting us walk out of the door with this brand new baby. Trusting that we could figure out how to keep him alive and all. Once we were home, it felt completely natural in no time but I still had my moments of disblelief that we had a sleeping baby in the next room. Bringing a kid into your life is the craziest yet most amazing thing in life. Shit will get real; no doubt about that. But for me, no amount of trying to envision life with a kid would've helped. It didn't get REALLY real until he was here.

There is of course that earlier point where your belly gets so big and you have that moment of "yeah...he has to come out one way or another, and he's not getting any smaller. What the hell did I get myself into?" So different stages of shit getting real I suppose.

ashie0610 · April 2014

I think it's totally normal to feel this way. I loved being pregnant but it was still mostly about me rather than the baby the first time around. It was hard for me to visualize him because there were just so many unknowns. I did all the research I could but when DS arrived early and I was still completely unprepared. It made for a rough couple of weeks in the beginning but we slowly found our new normal. It's easier for me to visualize this baby just having been through it recently, but I'm still worried about getting back to this place of "normal".

Maggie6424 · April 2014

It was kind of hard for me with DS, too. Nothing really can fully prepare you for what life will be like, unless you spend time with a brand new mom. Envision a roller coaster of emotion, very little sleep, moments of extreme happiness, lots of dirty ... everything. But it's so worth it. And it does get much more calm once you settle into a routine.

Saragoeswest · April 2014

It feels so crazy to prepare ourselves and our home for this person we will know so intimately, but know nothing about now. We don't even know his/her name and yet it has taken over my brain, my body, my time and energy. Strange.

MrMrsandBaby · April 2014

I didn't read all of the responses so sorry if I duplicate a sentiment.

With my first, I never even really tried to think about how it would be. DH and I were married for 7 years before we had our first. I worried about big changes we would have to make but I was not thinking of daily life. Once she arrived, I'm glad I didn't because all of my romantic notions of having a baby went out the window! Life was still life, we still went to the store, work, and out to eat. We just had an addition in the car with us. That part was easy to adjust to. The hard part came later, when we had to start parenting as opposed to just being there! (and sleeping, that was hard too...)

Now with this LO on the way, I am having the worst time trying to imagine how our little family of 3 is going to adapt to a family of 4. So much so that I regularly wonder if we made the right decision having #2 this soon. I'm a little terrified of the dynamic changes that are coming.

So I think it is totally normal to be unable to visualize the changes...even having been through it once, the second is scary too! Even if you can picture yourself with a baby, it is very likely that reality isn't going to be quite the same. There are ways you can prepare though, start budgeting for daycare and living in that budget now. Pack a really heavy bag full of stuff you won't need and carry it everywhere! Spend some time with a new baby if you can, more than an hour...spend a full morning, or evening, or day there. Go out with a friend who has a baby so you can see how she handles the extra stuff. If you can't do any of that, don't worry...you will pick up on it pretty quick. And it is trial and error, lots of trials, lots of errors....but you will get it!

BeanNut · April 2014

Our first was unplanned and we hadn't been around a lot of little kids--so yes, we were pretty clueless. It makes the transition post-baby a little tougher but honestly you will grow into it and love it.

suprsuz · April 2014

I feel the exact same way. Kind of crazy.

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