Relationship with future birthmom

jenbabe · April 2014

I thought with this being our second adoption that I would be better at this but its still just as hard because every situation is different. With our first child we used an agency and they controlled everything, we talk directly or meet without the social worker present until after placement. We are doing a private adoption this time and met our birthmom for the first time this week with the facilitator there too. (For a more detailed version you can check out my latest blog post). The meeting went pretty well but left me wondering if she really liked us. It seemed like she did but she didn't really ask a lot of questions. The facilitator called the next day and said she did like us and that I should call her to follow up today. So I did. At first she was confused about who I was. Then she was nice but seemed in a hurry to get off the phone. I know she was maybe just busy, its hard not over analyze everything. But I don't want to push it if she maybe doesn't want to have that involved or close of relationship. Last time our agency said to let the birthmom initiate contact and meetings but this facilitator is encouraging me to reach out. Its hard for me because I'm not an outgoing person. She isn't due until August so we have time. And she did say she would like me to go to doctor appointments and be in the delivery room so it seems she wants to be close but maybe the facilitator is encouraging that? She has placed twins for adoption 6 years ago so this isn't her first time doing all this even though she used an agency and sounds like she experienced the same type of control we did. Should I give her space now and just wait to hear from her? Or do you think I should try to call or text her again next week to see how she is doing?

Dr.Loretta · April 2014

I might ask her how she wants contact to look right now. She might not be a phone person, but may be more of a text/e-mail person. You just met, so she may be processing all of this and trying to figure out her way forward too.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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CarolinaGirl2014 · April 2014

Everything Dr.Loretta said. I'd also ask her what she wants your relationship to look like. I was constantly afraid of doing/saying the "wrong" thing so it was nice to have the discussion where he both voiced our dreams and even fears with our future conversation. We knew we were both so busy and had certain constraints in our lives that made phone convo difficult, but texting and emailing frequently was what we both wanted.

JoyfulJuly · April 2014

We are matched and expecting in July.

At first we let her dictate so if she was in the mood to talk, we did. Other times she wanted some space and we obliged. At first we spoke on the phone a lot and then she preferred to communicate via text and Facebook once she got to know us and so we pretty much exclusively do so. By texting and messaging on FB we speak to her much more frequently than if we were just calling.

plus12012 · April 2014

I agree with Dr. Loretta and I would just add that you can let her know that you are available to her anytime she wants to reach out and that she is welcome to ask you any questions she may have or let you know any concerns she may have.

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Relationship with future birthmom

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