NBR: those with children from previous marriages..what is your visitation schedule like?

imagine7696030614 · April 2014

So I have two kids from my prior marriage (ages 17 and 11) and my ex h has always taken them every other weekend from Fri to Sun. There isn't anything in our divorce agreement about summer vacation time but he asked to have them last summer for two weeks (not consecutively) and I said fine. Then, a few months ago he filed a court action for modification to the visitation requesting to have the kids (really only applies to our 11 year old since our 17 year old will be 18 soon) half of the entire summer vacation! He also wants to have the kids sleep over on Christmas Eve every other year (always had the kids wake up here, at home, on Christmas mornings...not to mention, he's always claimed he's an atheist...doesn't believe in Jesus but fights for this). My daughter doesn't even want to stay there for 4 weeks! She's only 11 though so I don't think she can have a say in court (not that if want her in court or however that works) just have not been able to enjoy this pregnancy because I've been so riddled with anxiety. Guess it's more of a vent but a am curious to hear others arrangements. Thanks for listening

lrobi13 · April 2014

My parents are divorced and we have always swapped Christmas fairly evenly. My brothers were around 6 and 8 when my parents split. It is important for your kids to have that time with their dad. Even if it not there favorite place to be if they are safe and actually spending time with him they will one day be happy about having memories with their dad.

That being said, if he is a total jerk to them and putting them in unsafe situations then the advice above does not apply.

Sorry you are in a tough spot but as long as his motive is not to reduce child support then I think it is a good thing he wants more time with his kids.

Best of luck!

Eta. Jerk not jersey! Auto correct fail.

imagine7696030614 · April 2014

See I think that is a big motivator. He's been trying to get out of child support from day one. He had worked under the table for years making about 14 dollars an hour tax free. When it came time to go to court (after he left me with a 5 month old and 7 year old to try to pursue his ex girlfriend) he lied on his financial statement, grossly under reporting his income. He's tried to lower his child support a few years ago too and the judge said "I don't see any reason why I should lower your child support' to which he replied, laughing "neither do I but just figured I'd try"...also, he got married to a wealthy woman about a year and a half ago and all of a sudden they are going to parent teacher conferences (he never went to them in the past)...starting this court bullshit, etc. He's not working right now but is going to school part time. He says he is 80% disabled and unable to work because of something happening in the Army...but he's going to school to presumably work after the kids are old enough where he doesn't have to pay child support? I'm just so stressed and sick over this.

imagine7696030614 · April 2014

Also, thanks for your input

it's weird though. My parents got divorced when I was only 2 and I never had any weeks with my father during summer and always woke up at home at Christmas...

poca1313 · April 2014

My DD goes to her fathers just about every other weekend. We had a court order when we initially divorced when she was 3 but that's fell by the waste side. I provide all the transportation to and from which I get really irritated but it gives me control to say when I will bring her. Usually on holidays my family plans stuff early in the day and I take her to his later. Now that she's 11 she resists going but I know it's important for her to have a relationship with him. I can't imagine if he wanted her for half the summer, I know my DD wouldn't go for it. She can barely stay for two nights before she's asking me to come get her. If you live close could you trade off each week? And I think if you went to court she would be old enough to have her say. A few weeks is along time. Sorry your going through that. Hope it works out!

AmandaJean12 · April 2014

I'm a family mediator, so I've seen just about every arrangement you can imagine. Some I can't imagine working, but they do. I would recommend trying to find a mediator in your area... It can be a lot less stressful and costly than court and might help you figure out something that works better for everyone.

CherylB1201 · April 2014

I have three kids with my ex-H. We have a rolling two week schedule. Over the span of two weeks, I have the kids 8 days and he has them 6. It's a weird schedule, but it works for us. We don't do long summer visitations because it's split almost even. Also with holidays, we trade off every major holiday. 4thof July, thanksgiving, Xmas and New Years. It only seems fair to me that they get to have those experiences with their dad, but then again, our schedule doesn't work for a lot of people. To each their own.

Emerald27 · April 2014

I am not in your situation, but was as a child from your DD's side of things...though under different circumstances.

I am an only child and my dad had me every other weekend and switching off Christmas/Thanksgiving every year. Our situation differed from yours in that my father was mentally ill, emotionally abusive, terrifying, and unsafe.

I was really afraid of going to see him. As I got older (8-10ish), I would throw up and have severe pain in my hands and feet before he would pick me up. My mom decided that this was completely unhealthy and I started to see a counselor. She helped us move forward in having my father's visitation dismissed, and for some time I saw him with a 3rd party present. Then when I could drive, I felt safe enough to go see him on my own, but I never stayed with him again.

My story doesn't really relate to what you're going through except that I was able, even as a child under 10 years old, to influence the custody order. Talk to your daughter about what she wants, and maybe consider hiring a mediator to help you work something out with the court. Your daughter may be young, but her opinion should matter. Maybe she would like a vacation with her father during the summer, but just a shorter one.

Best of luck! I know this must be so hard. ((Hugs))

jenndub · April 2014

My two older kids are with my ex-fiance'. He picks them up from school everyday and hangs out with them for an hour or two and drops them at my house. They spend the night at his house on Mondays and that's it. He usually takes them on vacation with his parents for a few days in the summer. We never went to court and he doesn't pay much child support, but this schedule works for us.

If your daughter is really scared about spending that much time with her dad, I hope that the court or mediator would take that into consideration. Especially because they are supposed to have the child's best interest in mind when they make decisions.

roundabout2 · April 2014

SS's schedule with us is e/o week. And holidays are swapped every year. Like for Christmas, one parent gets eve and day and first half of Christmas vacation one year while the other gets 2nd half and NYE and NY day. Then next year it is swapped. Kinda sucks that one parent misses out on any Christmas and I think Eve and Day should be split, but that's what they came up with as a holiday schedule. Other major holidays are swapped each year too. We just make sure to celebrate our major holidays that we don't have him on a different weekend.

imagine7696030614 · April 2014

Thanks so much. It is interesting to see others' different arrangements. For those who share 50% custody do both parents live in the same city? Just curious how the child/ren get to school, etc. Also, is there no child support in that scenario? I'm still so sick over the prospect of his getting our daughter for half the summer straight. Not only because I'll miss her terribly but he's always bad mouthed me to our children, making me sound horrible. Would refer to me as a nag to our son when he was younger among other things. My daughter said yesterday that this past weekend he and his wife told her she wasn't allowed to text me from her iPod (not that she does anyway, just here and there) when she is with them because they want her undivided attention, but she was allowed to text friends. I just feel like he's got this huge agenda and won't think twice about screwing with our kids' heads to get what he wants...I'd consider a mediator but I can't even afford this lawyer. Plus, we can never discuss anything in a civil manner.

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NBR: those with children from previous marriages..what is your visitation schedule like?

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