Please let me bitch about how my BFF IRL is being a PITA!

pinottoparenthood · April 2014

So I posted a picture last weekend of me with my best friend and our two boys who are one day apart. This is her second child. I went to her baby shower out of town for her first kid (several years ago), and I also traveled 4 hours away to go to her daughter's first birthday party a couple years ago.

Last year I had Rhys and she had her son Jack one day later. I decided to postpone Rhys's birthday party by a week (his birthday was last Thursday) to avoid Easter weekend. She has been telling me for a month that she is coming to his party. She had her son Jack's birthday party last weekend. We spent 8 hours driving, $75 on gas, and $85 on a hotel room to be in town for ONE night so that I could go to her son's first birthday party. And I never once complained because I was glad to do it and was really glad we went. We had to drive back on Rhys's first Easter.

Fastforward to today. I text her to find out if she is planning to come to town tomorrow (Friday) or Saturday. She texts this back to me: "Well I'm sort of stressed bc we're going on our cruise next weekend and I have tons of work due before I leave that just popped up so I've been debating if I should come to Charlotte... it might be better if we came in June... but if you would be mad if I missed the party I'll make it work and I'll definitely come."

OHkay. Poor thing, has to go on a cruise. Sounds stressful. I am so frustrated and upset. And WTF am I supposed to respond? No, I'm not mad? Yes, PLEASE come to my party? I hate your guts?

Ugh. There has been so much drama surrounding this party and so many people have backed out at this point that I don't even want to have it anymore.

megandscott07 · April 2014

I would say 'We'd be really bummed if you couldn't make it, but do what's best for you and your family.'

Sounds like she's a bit selfish...sorry

ceamac0127 · April 2014

I'm so sorry! Remember that this party is for you and your family. Everyone who is stressing you out can kick rocks. This party will be amazing even if it is just the 3 of you

As for your friend, I have a super sketchy friend so I can relate more than I care to admit. If you're like me (a doormat) you can tell her it's no big deal and you can't wait to see her in June. If you want to be the person I wish I could be, I would politely point out while I took my time, money and effort to come to your kids bday because I wanted to be there, if you are only coming because you feel obligated than no, don't come.
You only want her there if she wants to be there. Otherwise she will be a total buzzkill
>:D<

elbou · April 2014

Just to play devil's advocate here for a moment....maybe she doesn't realize how it came across? She does say that the work stuff just popped up, so maybe she is truly stressed and just trying to be honest with you.

Was it inconsiderate to suggest backing out of the party? Sure. Was it intentionally hurtful? Only she knows.

If this isn't the sort of thing she does regularly, then I would call her and talk about it, like @mrandmrsk91011 suggested. I would probably just be honest with her, and (nicely) let her know how her text made me feel after all the effort I had just gone to for her. GL, and I hope you guys can work it out without any more drama! *hugs*

pinottoparenthood · April 2014

@elbou Thanks for the different perspective. I will say that this isn't the first time she has flaked on me or not lived up to her end of something. I don't think she wants to hurt me on purpose... I'm sure she doesn't WANT me to be upset with her. However, I know that she KNOWS what she's doing is messed up, and she is being selfish.

elbou · April 2014

pinottoparenthood said:

@elbou Thanks for the different perspective. I will say that this isn't the first time she has flaked on me or not lived up to her end of something. I don't think she wants to hurt me on purpose... I'm sure she doesn't WANT me to be upset with her. However, I know that she KNOWS what she's doing is messed up, and she is being selfish.

I'm sorry she's treating that way. Are you guys close enough that you could call her out on it without creating even more drama?

pinottoparenthood · April 2014

elbou said:

pinottoparenthood said:

@elbou Thanks for the different perspective. I will say that this isn't the first time she has flaked on me or not lived up to her end of something. I don't think she wants to hurt me on purpose... I'm sure she doesn't WANT me to be upset with her. However, I know that she KNOWS what she's doing is messed up, and she is being selfish.

I'm sorry she's treating that way. Are you guys close enough that you could call her out on it without creating even more drama?

This is sad but it's just not worth the battle to me right now. Actions speak louder than words and I don't really have anything to say. Next time she makes the effort to come visit me, we can talk. Because it's pretty much impossible to have a one-sided friendship from four hours away, ya know?

elbou · April 2014

pinottoparenthood said:

elbou said:

pinottoparenthood said:

@elbou Thanks for the different perspective. I will say that this isn't the first time she has flaked on me or not lived up to her end of something. I don't think she wants to hurt me on purpose... I'm sure she doesn't WANT me to be upset with her. However, I know that she KNOWS what she's doing is messed up, and she is being selfish.

I'm sorry she's treating that way. Are you guys close enough that you could call her out on it without creating even more drama?

This is sad but it's just not worth the battle to me right now. Actions speak louder than words and I don't really have anything to say. Next time she makes the effort to come visit me, we can talk. Because it's pretty much impossible to have a one-sided friendship from four hours away, ya know?

*hugs* I know.

MsAmeera25 · April 2014

What did you end up responding or did you not respond? I would respond with

Rhys says he will be really sad if insert her kids names aren't there. But we totally understand life happens. If you wanted to be confrontational I would tell her you can come in June but Rhys party is in April so there would be no point in coming.

JSS1002 · April 2014

Well, personally, I never in a hundred years would have driven all that way for a first birthday party, but you DID, so she should be doing the same for you.

I think that on the day, you won't even miss her. You'll be so busy celebrating your awesome little guy and having fun with your friedns and family...it's too bad that she's not there, but her loss!

I think that you should say "I am so disappointed, but you have to do what is best for you guys" and leave it at that.

I have a friend who is like this -- and what I had to learn to accept is that her priorities are not my priorities and that hurts and took me a LONG time to come to terms with, but once I figured it out -- I stopped trying so hard and our friendship "evened out" a bit. It also meant a lot less stress and busy'ness on my end, because I wasn't trying so hard to keep up an unevenly reciprocated relationship.

But I'm sorry. I would be very disappointed.

pinottoparenthood · April 2014

clgsquared said:

What people are willing to do and how much they extend themselves is not necessarily what I am always willing to do. I try never to have expectations of people for this very reason because I usually find that I am willing to extend myself more than others are and this leads to resentments on my part. And, sometimes I am a really shitty friend.
And remember, with or without her, this is your son's day and should be celebrated as such!!!!

I get what you're saying... I honestly didn't EXPECT her to come when I sent out the invitation because I knew it was around the same time as her son's birthday, and it was a 4 hour trip and all that. So I wouldn't have been upset if she had told me she couldn't come. However, once she told me for several weeks leading up to the party that she was coming, then yes, at that point I expected her to live up to her word... particularly after I made the effort to come to her son's party (and also came to her first kid's 1st birthday party).

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge now. I texted her back the next day and said something along the lines of "obviously it hurts my feelings, but it's your decision to make. I wouldn't want you to come just because you feel obligated to do so, so that's fine."

She then sent me a long message about how she didn't want to hurt my feelings, talking about why this was a bad time, and saying that she wanted to come visit in June.

So we'll see what happens. Regardless, Rhys's party turned out great. Even though I was really disappointed that she couldn't come, I didn't even think about it a single time during the party.So I guess it's water under the bridge!

Don't even get me started on another family that we are friends with who RSVP'ed yes, backed out at the last second, and then secretly tried to have a birthday party for their own kid on the same day. I loved R's party, but I'm definitely going to keep it smaller/more simple next time!

JSS1002 · April 2014

All that matters is that you had a wonderful day and it sounds like you did! :-)

Please let me bitch about how my BFF IRL is being a PITA!

Re: Please let me bitch about how my BFF IRL is being a PITA!

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