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Blended Families
Anya659
member
Feeling frustrated and resentful (vent)
Anya659
member
I am new here but I am feeling so frustrated I don't know where else to turn. I need advice from other ladies who have been in my shoes.
Anyway, DH and I have been married for 4 years and together for 7. SS is 11 and our sons are 2 and 1 month. We have 50/50 custody with BM. When I was pregnant with DS #1 I had a lot of resentment issues with SS. About 6 months after DS was born, the issues sort of resolved and although I don't love having SS around I tolerated it.
The problem is that BM doesn't have a whole lot of interest in SS other than just using him as a pawn or something to trot out and gatherings. Her main concern is getting her check each month. BM will pawn SS off on anyone who is willing to watch him. She claims she has to work all night (this is BS as she works at a bank), isn't home much, sends him to her parents on weekends, and complains anytime she has to watch him when it isn't her day.
Even though we try to make a good life for him here I am so damn tired of hearing how everything at his moms is better. We took he and DS to see monster trucks a couple of months ago and all he whined for food and souvenirs and afterwords asked if he had fun he said he would have preferred to go to a hockey game (the event was at the hockey arena) and said his mom was going to take him to do something he actually wants. The thing is that his mom never takes him to these things. She makes promises but the always "has to work."
Just last week for his birthday we had a small family party for him at our house. We got a cake and he got some nice gifts. Afterwards all he can say is that they weren't what he wanted. He goes to him moms and she buys him an iPhone. She then proceeds to tell him that we must not love him as much because we didn't spend a lot of money.
It is making me not even want to so anything with or for him. Why should I put myself out there for a kid who isn't even mine and doesn't appreciate anything, when instead I could put that time/money/effort into my own kids? I'd his mother is so wonderful then why doesn't she ever want to spend time with him or want him to live there?
What's worse is he tries to get attention at our house by showing off, bragging, and acting wild. He will throw himself around and get our 2 year old all wound up. Eventually SS inevitably gets too rough and ends up hurting the 2 year old. Of course I then go into protective mommy mode because I won't want someone else's kid hurting my son.
SS is trying to get attention but he's going about it all the wrong ways and it's backfiring. Instead of getting attention it just makes me want even less to do with him. I'm a SAHM and I dread the days SS doesn't have school because he just hangs around me and the other two kids and just gets in the way and upsets our routine.
All of these feeling may be coming from exhaustion or even postpartum hormones but I am beginning to feel so angry and it is spilling over into me taking it out on DH. In fact, at the start of the weekends we have SS I literally count the hours until he goes back to his moms. I plan family outings for the weekends we don't have SS or I just go places with my kids and my family.
I know that when DH and I got married I knew he had a son, and I know that SS is just a child looking for someone to pay attention to him, but how do I deal with this resentment.
Anyway, DH and I have been married for 4 years and together for 7. SS is 11 and our sons are 2 and 1 month. We have 50/50 custody with BM. When I was pregnant with DS #1 I had a lot of resentment issues with SS. About 6 months after DS was born, the issues sort of resolved and although I don't love having SS around I tolerated it.
The problem is that BM doesn't have a whole lot of interest in SS other than just using him as a pawn or something to trot out and gatherings. Her main concern is getting her check each month. BM will pawn SS off on anyone who is willing to watch him. She claims she has to work all night (this is BS as she works at a bank), isn't home much, sends him to her parents on weekends, and complains anytime she has to watch him when it isn't her day.
Even though we try to make a good life for him here I am so damn tired of hearing how everything at his moms is better. We took he and DS to see monster trucks a couple of months ago and all he whined for food and souvenirs and afterwords asked if he had fun he said he would have preferred to go to a hockey game (the event was at the hockey arena) and said his mom was going to take him to do something he actually wants. The thing is that his mom never takes him to these things. She makes promises but the always "has to work."
Just last week for his birthday we had a small family party for him at our house. We got a cake and he got some nice gifts. Afterwards all he can say is that they weren't what he wanted. He goes to him moms and she buys him an iPhone. She then proceeds to tell him that we must not love him as much because we didn't spend a lot of money.
It is making me not even want to so anything with or for him. Why should I put myself out there for a kid who isn't even mine and doesn't appreciate anything, when instead I could put that time/money/effort into my own kids? I'd his mother is so wonderful then why doesn't she ever want to spend time with him or want him to live there?
What's worse is he tries to get attention at our house by showing off, bragging, and acting wild. He will throw himself around and get our 2 year old all wound up. Eventually SS inevitably gets too rough and ends up hurting the 2 year old. Of course I then go into protective mommy mode because I won't want someone else's kid hurting my son.
SS is trying to get attention but he's going about it all the wrong ways and it's backfiring. Instead of getting attention it just makes me want even less to do with him. I'm a SAHM and I dread the days SS doesn't have school because he just hangs around me and the other two kids and just gets in the way and upsets our routine.
All of these feeling may be coming from exhaustion or even postpartum hormones but I am beginning to feel so angry and it is spilling over into me taking it out on DH. In fact, at the start of the weekends we have SS I literally count the hours until he goes back to his moms. I plan family outings for the weekends we don't have SS or I just go places with my kids and my family.
I know that when DH and I got married I knew he had a son, and I know that SS is just a child looking for someone to pay attention to him, but how do I deal with this resentment.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling frustrated and resentful (vent)
I think the way you feel about him is really sad. He is just a little boy. I totally understand how hard it is to be a step parent but I think you really need to pull your self together. If he is doing things that are out of line than he needs to be disciplined. He needs love from his father and from you not to be treated like an inconvenience.
And I'm not even really sure how he spends his time with his mom is at all relevant to this discussion. So what if he spends time with her family or friends? Sounds like you don't want him to be at your house so why does it matter? If he mom is truly not spending time with him than that is just another reason for you and your H to love him more and show him you want to have him around and spend time with him.
Clearly you are resentful of the child support and that just needs to stop. You knew he had a responsibility to pay for his child when you met him so if you have a problem than that's on you. You shouldn't have married a man with a child.
First off, you HAVE to quit thinking of SS was "someone else's kid." You're his SM. So he's your kid, too. That doesn't mean you have to our will ever feel the way you do about your bio kids. You have to accept that. But you also need to accept that it is a responsibility you take on to never let the difference show. And you already say your resentment is spilling over.
Think if it this way. If a teacher has that problem child in class, it is still her job to treat him equally as important and loved. As a parent, you would be outraged if teacher was letting her emotions show toward the child. And it would likely only make the behavior worse.
Same basic principles in this situations.
The only thing you are required to afford your SS is the care and decency any adult caregiver is required to give a child. He needs to feel, though, that you are reliable and consistent and not reactive to his antics.
That being said, I would not continue to do nice things out of the way for an ungrateful child. That is not a requirement of your relationship with him. But I would not go it of my way to exclude or avoid him either.
I'm curious about what your husband is doing in all of this? How does he deal with your SS and you when you feel this way? And how were things between you and SS before DS2yo was born?
DH is sort of ambivalent about things. He travels a lot and is rather hands off. I think the problem is that I'm over emotionally invested and DH isn't emotionally invested enough. Plus I'm sleep deprived and hormonal.
"ambivalent... and is rather hands off.
This is probably your biggest problem. And it probably has a big bearing on why you feel resentment toward SS abd why he acts the way he does.
It actually sounds like your SS is acting fairly normal for a kid his age that feels life a burden on both ends and had not been given clear and enforced boundaries and expectations.He is obviously also clearly picking up on the fact that he isn't wanted. I would venture that at BM's he isn't an angel. He probably plays all parties and says whatever will get him the attention he wants.
Stay consistent. Stay loving. Take a breather for yourself. Make time for SS. Make your H understand how you feel, what's going on, what you need from him regarding SS, etc. And your H is the one I'd be firm and rather angry with. His complacency now has the potential to create a teenage nightmare.
If your SS is ungreatful and your DH is telling you not to plan anything for him - - then don't plan anything for him! You are feeling resentful - so take a break!
My thought is that you should plan things, but plan things that are low-cost and low-effort. I have a friend who's husband is a true "Disney Dad." She doesn't have a lot of money, but she celebrates birthays with a home-made (maybe boxed, but she makes it herself) cake, and they have family dinner (just her and her son) every night. Watching kids movies she rents from the library. She can't compete with her ex's money and she doesn't even try - but she is creating memories for her son in a way that her ex (who travels, likes going out to eat and drink with friends) can never match.
Plan "baby" events for your kids so that if your SS hears about it, you can always say "well, I knew you wouldn't want to see the muppet movie." or whatever. Also, speak to your H when you plan an event that includes SS. Talk to him about taking SS home if he starts to whine about how he is not having fun, how his mom will buy him toys, etc. Your DH's job is to teach your SS manners - - he is failing SS in that regard. My kids know that complaining would never fly with me. I always responded with "next time, we'll leave you home with a sitter."
Trust me, at age 11, your SS knows what is going on. He knows that you don't like him, that is dad isn't around, and that his mom pawns him off.
I would also encourage you to allow SS to have time just with his dad when his dad is around. Maybe they can play ball, do 11 yo things, while you take a break and focus on your younger kiddos. Your kids have DH every day, SS only has him 50% of the time. Also, there is nothing wrong with YOU leaving SS and the little ones with your H when he is free - - go run errands, go to the library, etc. - let your H see how three young kids isn't all fun and games!
All I can focus in right now is your step son and how you've described not only his life at your house and his mothers house. It sounds like he is not wanted at either of the places that should be the safest places for him to be. He's 11. He's like most 11 year olds I imagine who are not yet teens but also no longer small children and probably thinks he knows it all and is wild and crazy like my SS.
I think therapy is an excellent option for you and your family because the resentment I read won't dissipate on its own, for your step sons sake, please look into it.
2..or maybe 3 or 4. You are going to have to change your attitude towards him or its only going to get worse. My SD is daddy's little girl..she has mastered manipulating him and would have me in tears getting all his attention. .i know it sounds crazy but i could stop walking and he wouldn't realize i wasn't there until they got to the car.
Kids crave boundaries.. we have made it a point to create time for each kid to spend time with just dad... i have also done things with each child. Maybe you need to spend one on one time with him? I make sure to tell the kids that I love them as my own..which I do but I also treat them as I would my own good and bad..
it has taken a long time but I will tell you the key is your H supporting you and getting on the same page. We still struggle when she is tired or has not eaten well but it is 10 better...good luck.
Feel free to PM me anytime!
First of all, stop blaming anything on BM. You can't control how she lives her life, so it's a waste of time trying to
Two things are clear about your household:
1) Your "hands off" dh is a cr*ppy parent who is no better than BM, except for instead of "pawning off" his child on his parents, he pawns his child off on his wife. As much as you want to say that BM is only interested in SS for the check she receives, maybe your H is only interested in SS for cutting down what he would pay in support. Clearly, spending time with his son is not why DH wanted 50/50.
2) You knew what a sh*tty parent your H was, and chose to not only marry, but reproduce with him anyway. Spending time with SS is one of the jobs you have as a SAHM - and if your H gave up 50/50 or he didn't travel or work long hours, you might not be able to afford that luxury. If you are that frustrated, get a job and put all the kids in daycare and you'll cut down on the time you have to spend with SS.
I'm not saying all of this to be mean, but to point out that the blame goes many ways. Your H is no better IMO than BM.
You need a come-to-Jesus talk with H to get him on board to dealing with SS's behavior. Do you know if it bothers DH when SS complains? Maybe he doesn't care, because he doesn't do any planning.
I do think SS is old enough to be addressed directly "SS, I was going to plan a trip to the waterpark. I would like to plan it a weekend when you are with us, if you want to go, but if you are just going to complain about how trips with your mom are better and she buys you more things, then I'll plan the waterpark trip when you are with your mom, because quite frankly I don't need to hear complaints when I am spending time and money to plan something special. Which would you prefer?" Personally, I think this is beter than secretly planning things when SS is not around - - your SS needs to know there are consequences for his actions, and that you won't tolerate complaining. I would not hesitate to tell my 11yo that if she complains she is old enough to stay home on her own.
You also need to talk to your H - - if YOU plan something with SS and he complains, then you need your H to take him home right away. You need to value yourself enough to insist that you are treated with courtesy and respect.
However, if H plans something, and it doesn't bother H if his son has bad manners, then you need to let it be (you can, however, tell H that his complaining bothers YOU, so YOU will skip going to the event, and he can have SS all to himself or he can watch all three kids on his own without you").
I know I sound harsh, but I am sympathetic....I just spend four months volunteering and I didn't feel appreciated...trust me, I am not going back next year!