Maybe it is just hormones...but I feel so alone in this pregnancy.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

My husband and I got pregnant our wedding night...he has not taken any interest in this pregnancy at all with the exception of feeling her kick twice and kissing my belly once. Now, we only get about 4 hours together before bedtime (namely me crashing because I am so tired and he doesn't get home until late). He comes home, gives me a kiss and a hug, after that is on the computer until bedtime. I might get a kiss goodnight or a backrub if I request it. He has no interest in the nursery doesn't even want to help me with it and he is still buying frivolous things (our bank accounts are separate) like a punching bag and gloves whereas all of my extra money (not much) is going to buy things for baby. I buy nothing for myself and treat myself to nothing.

Yes, I am going to talk to him. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for letting me do so.

SuperTinkerham · April 2014

That deos sound really lonely. I hope you can get him to 1. participate more, and 2. give you the support you need.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I'm sorry. I really do think a sit down chat with him is a good idea to lay your feelings out now before the baby comes. I think maybe he doesn't realize how lonely/hurt you are feeling but I know if you don't communicate with him now, it will only get worse and you may feel even more resentful once the baby is here and he comes home and gets on the computer instead of spending time with you and LO or giving you a little break.

As far as finances, that definitely should be part of the convo. DH and I combined ours but if yours are separate it is not fair that only your paychecks are going to baby stuff and his to fun stuff. I would maybe see if you could work out a budget where a portion of each of your funds goes to baby and a portion to fun spending for both of you, if you can swing that.

big *hugs*

LuluPMW · April 2014

With some men you have to be specific and direct about what you need and want-even the little things. Don't assume he knows what those things are and is just not doing them. It's good that you plan on talking with him, and I hope that helps.

Would creating an account for baby in which you both contribute work?

abundancenow · April 2014

I felt very alone at times in my first pregnancy and in to my baby's first 6 months. Some had to do with my husband adjusting to becoming a dad and some had to do with me coming into myself as a mom. The distance I felt did not just happen with my husband, but in my relationships with most everyone at times. I felt a huge amount of responsibility in becoming a mom. In hindsight, I realize my husband also had feelings of concern regarding responsibility and dealt with it through pulling back, rather than teaming up with me and sharing. Eventually he and I both adjusted and I praise the father he is and the support he gives me as the mother of his child. It took time. You may just have needed to vent, but perhaps your situation is similar and being patient with you and your relationship with your husband may help, try to focus on the strengths that attracted you to him to begin with. Talking to him may help, but it did not help much with my husband at the time. We both look back now and laugh how heavy it all seemed. Good luck.

Salsera29 · April 2014

I would love to have 4 hours a night with my husband.

Katieryan13 · April 2014

4 hours only????

I think that is a lot more than some people get. I think it is a good idea to talk to him about how you are feeling.

mrscurlygurl · April 2014

Sounds like y'all have a lot of things to discuss. Was the pregnancy a complete surprise, as in, maybe he wasn't really ready? As others have said, men often need things spelled out for them. Women, on the other hand, want their minds read (I can be guilty of this for sure). 4 hours is definitely way more time than many people get to spend with their SOs, so y'all need to figure out how to make some of that time be more QT while still getting to have the alone time he might need.

ADC1979 · April 2014

Wish I had 4 hours a night with DH...we're lucky if it's 2!

Definitely talk to him...I'm lucky and my DH is super excited and is adamant that I let him know when I need help. But I know all guys aren't like that.

DH and I only partially combined our finances. Since we both work, our paychecks are split into a joint account, and a smaller portion goes into our personal accounts. We can buy whatever we want (within reason) with our personal accounts. The joint is for household (and now, baby) items and services. This works really great for us--it may not work for others, but I put it out there because it's important to find a way of handling finances that works for your family.

As your baby gets older, who would be buying all the clothing, snacks, toys that growing kiddos need? You? That's not fair in your situation, and no wonder you're feeling alone.

Hope you are able to feel less alone in this soon!

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

The pregnancy was a complete surprise and we found out 14 days after the wedding night on November 10th. Neither of us was prepping for a family for at least another 2-3 years to give us time together and settle into a proper routine in our house, get to know each other more on a personal/intimate level (more than we already did), and for me to get my career more under control before adding the chaos called life.

As for the 4 hours a night, that is the only time I see him at all and if he is on the computer...I really see him about 15 minutes. Dinner is normally fending.

I will be talking to him when he comes home tonight. Thank you for the support ladies. It means a lot to me and a lot of you have great ideas and advice.

jcartz · April 2014

LuluPMW said:

With some men you have to be specific and direct about what you need and want-even the little things. Don't assume he knows what those things are and is just not doing them. It's good that you plan on talking with him, and I hope that helps. Would creating an account for baby in which you both contribute work?

This, a thousand times. If you can't communicate now, it could get worse once baby is here. We all get in ruts, but you need to be able to talk through it honestly and openly. With DD1, I just expected DH to know what I needed, never asked for specific help, and then got PISSED and resentful when he didn't do what I wanted him to. But honestly...How the hell was he supposed to know? It took therapy, swallowed pride, and lots of screaming fights to get to a point where we could talk calmer and more productively, and this was after 8 years together. We had to institute a rule - anything said between 11PM and 5 AM doesn't count

Wishing you strength to have a talk with him and hoping for a light to go on in his mind that this is a partnership, even throughout the pregnancy where you're really doing everything.

AutumnBonfire · April 2014

4 hours is a lot of time, but it sounds like you need more quality time rather than quantity. Just have a talk with him and see if there's anything you can come up with to do together. Think about some things you really want to do before the baby comes (movies, dinner, go out for ice cream, etc.) because you might not have as much time and money to do them once the baby is born. Talk about things like baby names or things to do with the baby when he/she is born, that might get him interested. Its easy to fall into a rut again, so you might need to have this talk every few months. DH and I have really been in a rut since having DS. Its tiring taking care of a baby. Now that DS is easier, I'm pregnant again and all I want to do at night is lay on the couch and watch tv. Marriage goes through phases.

The bank account issue is another discussion. DH and I had separate bank accounts for the first three years of marriage until we bought our house. He would pay certain bills out of his and I would pay other bills out of mine. Then my extra money went toward the house down payment and savings and he thought his extra money was his to waste as he wanted. It took quite a few discussions to get that to stop. It got better when we combined accounts. With having DS and a mortgage, we got more serious about savings, retirement, budgeting, etc. Going from two separate people who now live together to a cohesive family working toward the same goal didn't just happen over night.

EleanorKr · April 2014

So, my husband is great and I love him, but he is also a bit stupid. If I don't tell him exactly what I want from him, he won't be able to figure it out. But if I give him clear instructions on how he can make me happy, he is very willing to do it.

Could it be the same in your situation? Maybe it's just a matter of telling him kindly but clearly what specific actions you want from him. This could be to spend 30 minutes a day at the table eating dinner together. Or him only being on his computer from 7pm - 8pm for example.

Good luck when you talk to him!

TurtleMonsters · April 2014

How did talking go?

I also agree you need to say things to men point blank, I hope you got somewhere with that. Also making a habit of quality time together now may help in the future when there will always be a baby to plan around.

You've likely read that men don't "get" it about the baby, sometimes, until the child is HERE. We've been developing this really close relationship with baby for months now. Mine never has touched my belly or done anything- "it grosses him out". It's like I'm not even pregnant- both pregnancies- besides that he'll listen to me whine. So you've gotten more attention in 7 mo then I have in 16 mo of having a preg. body. Dh buys nothing, plans nothing, decorates nothing. I'm the one that changes a majority of the diapers- he does when I make a stink or he's left alone with a child. I'm the one that cooks for/feed, cleans, gets the child to clean his room, manages medical care and takes care of the child for 90% of the week- at first, he didn't even do DS's laundry, I did, DH only does ours. I buy nothing but things we NEED, and am lucky to get a bday dinner and flowers (my most hated bday gifts), DH buys a TV for his bday, and video games most any time he wants. Our quality time is time on the couch together every night, but we both have lap tops so we can hop on a computer for a few minutes here and there and still hang with each other, though we do other things on the weekend, or when it's nice out. We're both tired at the end of the day, though, so we'll talk, or watch tv, snuggle- nothing crazy. However, we were settled into that a little bit before, having been married and set in things for a while, so it wasn't such a big problem.

We don't do much alone time/date nights due to DS's special needs (we do them in house after dh is asleep), but that is another thing to plan into your life once baby is here. You still have a couple of months to get in that uninhibited, uninterrupted fun time. It doesn't come back for a while, so act now;)

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

I talked to him. He rubbed some lotion on my belly and promised to try to be a bit more involved. He took me to Home Depot so we can spend about 50 bucks so we can paint our baby girl's room and then brought me home and cooked me dinner. He even mowed the lawn, weed wacked our weeds, and did the dishes for me.

No solution on the merging of financials...but I expected that. We will eventually get there.

EllaSmella · April 2014

Although this doesn't make your DH's behavior any less hurtful, I do think it's much harder for guys to understand/empathize/anticipate in advance of baby's appearance. My DH did not seem excited about the baby specifically during my first pregnancy (although he was excited about the pregnancy in general) and it was sort of disconcerting to me at the time.

Looking back, I think the baby himself was just so abstract for him and DH didn't have much experience with newborns/infants in general that he couldn't really envision the day-to-day reality of it all. However, now he is an AMAZING dad and loves our son more than I could have imagined. I think it was just really hard for him to visualize the fact that the "thing" in my belly was going to eventually be a walking, talking little person.

This go round, he's a bit blase again, but it doesn't bother me as much since I know how it turned out last time. Sometimes I get so caught up in the pregnancy because it's such a huge part of my day-to-day reality that I forget he doesn't get to experience it like I do, so it's not necessarily fair for me to expect him to be as engaged day in and day out as I am.

BBColt78 · April 2014

Did you tell him you want money for baby stuff? I like buying the baby stuff, so I don't really care. It's my interest and DH buys what he wants. It's why we have separate accounts.

Op, why so abrasive in your profile?

If you don'"t like the fact that I got lucky once in all 30 years of my life...shove it, as I don't care. I will never apologize for having one day of luck."

abundancenow · April 2014

@Hoshikitsune sounds like you broke through some, hope it's the beginning of more dialog and engagement. @EllaSmella your experiences sound similar to mine, dh is better being a hands on dad than being involved in my pregnancy and having a child with him already, helps give me perspective in expectations.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

BBColt78 said:

Did you tell him you want money for baby stuff? I like buying the baby stuff, so I don't really care. It's my interest and DH buys what he wants. It's why we have separate accounts.

Op, why so abrasive in your profile?

If you don'"t like the fact that I got lucky once in all 30 years of my life...shove it, as I don't care. I will never apologize for having one day of luck."

It is just how I am anymore. I have had people yell at me telling me that I am unsympathetic with their plight to get pregnant simply because I said my pregnancy was an accident and we did not have to try (got pregnant our wedding night, and I was told 15 years ago I would never get pregnant so in in 15 years have not used birth control and have not gotten pregnant)...which is not the case at all. I am rather sympathetic...but I am not going to sit there and let someone yell at me for being lucky once. I have been adopted, raped, found my birth mother, lost my birth father, divorced, and almost wiped off this earth twice, so I am taking my one day of luck and running with it to the end

. One of my best friends is unable to and is working on adopting. She asked to be a part of my pregnancy and I have been letting her and have offered...if she wants...when the time is right...to carry a child for her if she and her husband so choose (we are like sisters).

I haven't asked him for money yet...that is the next conversation as I put the final things we need for baby in a basket on walmart.com (these are things you cannot find at a yard sale, and are the cheapest one can find) and the bill is like 330 bucks. I have not pressed pay yet

...so I will talk to him the next time he gets paid about paying for that stuff.

I am sure my husband will be a fabulous father...maybe I should have him lie on my belly till our daughter kicks a little more sense into his head

That would be a good video

brooklynesque · April 2014

It sounds like you and your DH are making progress. Good luck and think about a few sessions of counseling if you still have things to work out after you speak about the money issue.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

If I was unsympathetic, would I have offered to my friend to carry a child for her if she so chooses? No. Just because you don't like how I explain one day of luck, doesn't mean I don't get it. This why I normally don't try to explain myself either. Either way...life goes on and that isn't what this thread is about anyway.

abundancenow · April 2014

@Hoshikitsune I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect your husband to buy the needed things from Walmart that you've picked out, it is his child whether planned or not, he needs to adjust and accept that a baby is coming. I think you should show him what you picked out and ask he contributes. It sounds like you've dealt with some tough experiences in your life that may have impacted your expectations to be somewhat negative, I can relate, and often would expect negative responses in my life. It's been painful for me to live thinking things were stacked against me to only be negative/sad/unlucky. It took a lot of evaluation and the decision that I needed to change my thinking and responses and expectations to change my life. You sound like you're at a similar spot, keep turning your luck around and take control of what you are able to.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

@abundancenow Thank you for your kind words. When I found out that I was pregnant...I did say 2014 was going to be my year. Get my career settled and I have found a wonderful man (a little rough on the edges but that is due to his prior circumstances too) that we will learn and grow together while we raise our beautiful daughter. Life can only get better at this point. Ya, we most likely will have a few pitfalls here and there, but together we will get through them as we are no longer alone.

SuperTinkerham · April 2014

I don't understand being married and being hesitant to say "baby needs x, y, z. What's the plan, man?" Even if baby is a surprise I have always had that comfort level w mister. Sometimes we have to make appointments to talk finances ( or baby plans) and make sure we are on the same page, but it's usually NBD.

chevronseven · April 2014

jessa8907 said:

Hoshikitsune said:
If I was unsympathetic, would I have offered to my friend to carry a child for her if she so chooses? No. Just because you don't like how I explain one day of luck, doesn't mean I don't get it. This why I normally don't try to explain myself either. Either way...life goes on and that isn't what this thread is about anyway.
You really have trouble with reading comprehension don't you? We don't know you, we don't know that you offered to carry a child for your friend, but when you say something that could be hurtful to someone you should apologize. That's called being a decent human being.

I'm on mobile so I can't go look at the convo being referenced here, but I have to point out that saying "I'm obviously not unsympathetic, because I did this..." is kind of like saying "I'm not racist because I have a black friend." You made a really sweet and selfless offer to your friend. That doesn't mean you are now incapable of saying something hurtful or insensitive to someone else. Again, I don't know the details of the previous conversation, so I'm just making a general statement here.

P.S. I'm very sorry for the difficulties you have had to overcome and i am very glad you are experiencing some real joy in your life now.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

jessa8907 said:

If I was unsympathetic, would I have offered to my friend to carry a child for her if she so chooses? No. Just because you don't like how I explain one day of luck, doesn't mean I don't get it. This why I normally don't try to explain myself either. Either way...life goes on and that isn't what this thread is about anyway.
You really have trouble with reading comprehension don't you? We don't know you, we don't know that you offered to carry a child for your friend, but when you say something that could be hurtful to someone you should apologize. That's called being a decent human being.

Obviously you and I are never going to agree...so lets just leave it at that and walk away from each other.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

SuperTinkerham said:

I don't understand being married and being hesitant to say "baby needs x, y, z. What's the plan, man?" Even if baby is a surprise I have always had that comfort level w mister. Sometimes we have to make appointments to talk finances ( or baby plans) and make sure we are on the same page, but it's usually NBD.

We have always been self suffcient and he is hesitant at moving finances together due to a prior relationship in which they were engaged, moved everything together and 3 weeks prior to the wedding she walked out and left him with nothing. I understand his hesitation and it will take time, but we don't have that luxury of time anymore. I did like the suggestion someone made of making a household account and putting money into it each paycheck and still having our own separate accounts which would most likely make him feel more comfortable.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

jessa8907 said:

jessa8907 said:

If I was unsympathetic, would I have offered to my friend to carry a child for her if she so chooses? No. Just because you don't like how I explain one day of luck, doesn't mean I don't get it. This why I normally don't try to explain myself either. Either way...life goes on and that isn't what this thread is about anyway.
You really have trouble with reading comprehension don't you? We don't know you, we don't know that you offered to carry a child for your friend, but when you say something that could be hurtful to someone you should apologize. That's called being a decent human being.

Obviously you and I are never going to agree...so lets just leave it at that and walk away from each other.
If you hadn't tried playing the victim card ("they yelled at me and were mean") about that comment on your profile I never would have even showed up.

Hun, first of all, I put that there months ago and I also forgot it was there. Lets just walk away from each other. I am not going to respond to you again as that violate walking away.

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

Anywho, someone made the suggestion of making a household account and putting money into it each paycheck and still having our own separate accounts which would most likely make him feel more comfortable. I am definitely going to bring that up to him so we can get a budget down and get everything baby needs.

Pinksundrops · April 2014

Hoshikitsune said:
I talked to him. He rubbed some lotion on my belly and promised to try to be a bit more involved. He took me to Home Depot so we can spend about 50 bucks so we can paint our baby girl's room and then brought me home and cooked me dinner. He even mowed the lawn, weed wacked our weeds, and did the dishes for me.

No solution on the merging of financials...but I expected that. We will eventually get there.

This warms my heart. So glad you talked to him. Sounds like a classic case of 'husband' as PPs stated. I find after being married fourteen years and learning that lesson not the easy way, the same way another PP had to learn, that pregnancy is making me feel very vulnerable and I am tending to fall back into that rut of expecting him to know what I want and getting pissed when he doesn't, even though I've learned and realize better than to do so. Part of it I think is I'm so tired and worn out I don't really even know what I want, so I have to end up making a more conscious effort to figure myself out then directly ask him. All PPs advice is fantastic and a great reminder to myself to be direct with him and ask for what I want. He is usually 9 times out of 10 super happy to deliver. Good luck! So glad he was so willing to pamper you right away - sounds like a sweet moment.

alyssa719 · April 2014

Hoshikitsune said:

Hun, first of all, I put that there months ago and I also forgot it was there. Lets just walk away from each other. I am not going to respond to you again as that violate walking away.

If you forgot it was there, and that's why it's still there... now you know, and can't you delete it, or at least say "hey, I was having a crazy hormonal day" to try to explain it. It sounds super duper bitchy when someone who has *no idea* about what triggered it sees that as how you explain yourself in life.

Want a personalized experience?

Maybe it is just hormones...but I feel so alone in this pregnancy.

Re: Maybe it is just hormones...but I feel so alone in this pregnancy.

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