- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
July 2014 Moms
jojos1982
member
Family plan??
jojos1982
member
Hi All,
My hubby and I recently sat down to write out a basic birth plan. We have had some issues during the pregnancy with pushy family members and oversharing on social media without discussing it with us first. I saw somewhere the idea of having a 'family plan' to give/send to family members to make it clear what we want/don't want from them during the labor, immediately after the birth.
For example, I don't want anyone announcing the arrival on social media until we are ready or have done so ourselves, we also want it to be clear who will be at the hospital and when we will give them updates etc. I also want them to be aware that my hubby will not be able to give them constant updates, his cell phone will most likely be off for a time so that he can focus on sharing this moment with me and us having the best possible experience, without him being bombarded with texts and calls.
Certain family members are expecting to be waiting right outside the delivery room to be allowed in immediately after our daughter arrives but we'd really like to have just ourselves at the hospital for at least an hour after she arrives, to enjoy a special moment together before we invite others to come and meet her. I don't think that's unreasonable but I don't know how to approach this without sounding confrontational or making them feel unwelcome.
I like the idea of having something similar to a birth plan, for family members with all of these things laid out, so that it's not personal to any one person, we are just making our wishes clear. That said, it also seems a little too far the opposite way, too impersonal!
Any thoughts? Has anyone done this or had a similar problem?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Family plan??
1st pregnancy: m/c began 1/12/09 d&c 1/13/09 8wks. Baby stopped growing at about 6wks.
Delaney: Born 10/15/09
Gavin: Born 4/8/11
Baby #3: due July 10, 2014
OP - i would write it out just to make sure you don't miss anything you want to say, but i would first try to give them the courtesy of talking to them either face to face or over the phone. If you feel like they are resistant, then follow up with the written version...
i don't think ppl do well with reading through wishes and lots of rules- and likely they'll have some sort of opinion on it all that you'll hear about. Keep it simple. I'm not one to send out rules like that, so MAYBE I'd email something or fb it somehow. Snail mail if you're into mailing rules. However, turning off phones and not telling ppl where you are would fix that issue.
Thanks for the feedback.
I agree that a list of rules would appear impersonal or harsh. I was thinking more of something that just lets them know what to expect.
The issue I have is that I've tried communicating it verbally but it's not just one person and it always ends up in a confrontation, them telling me I'm being selfish and they have rights as grandparents, siblings etc. I feel like they are only thinking about what THEY want, not what I want and not listening when I try to tell them calmly what our wishes are.
Every time we discuss it I get upset because they don't listen and I am worried that if I don't address it in some other way, a less emotional way, then on the day we will have people posting about our daughter's arrival on Facebook because they feel like it's their right to make the announcement, or being offended when we say that we don't want visitors yet. So, perhaps they are going to be offended either way if their experience doesn't match up to what they believe they are entitled to!
It's true that they can't know anything we don't tell them but I think they'll be really mad if we just don't call them until after she is here, not telling them we are at the hospital is something I KNOW we will hear about. 'How could you not tell us?',' we have a right to know what's going on' and such like. Do I really want to be having that confrontation with them when I'm trying to enjoy the new baby in my arms?
AAAAHHH this is so confusing! LOL
I had a major issue with social media last time, because a former coworker of mine showed up and took pics of my DD and put them on FB before I even had a chance to really hold her or look at her.
Thank you all so much for the advice. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I read the idea somewhere and maybe because things have been so emotional, it seemed like a black and white, non-emotional way to say it without it being aimed at any one person.
I think we will take the advice of building it to our hospital plan, just call people when we are ready and if they have issues with us not telling them til after, hopefully they will be too consumed with the new arrival to be worrying about or expressing that.
They need to get over it. You'll get lots of opinions on your child for the rest of your life, take advantage of this time where you have pretty much total control. They have NO RIGHT- they didn't have the sex, they aren't raising/paying for the baby day to day, this is all you and you're DH. Don't let them guilt you. On the plus side, when you go into labor, it will likely be more obvious to you that this is about you and that birth (I didn't want to talk to anyone at all)...I went inward, I had to get through it, everyone else (even dh) didn''t need to keep on things like I did (if that makes sense).
Don't worry about the aftermath- they'll likely gripe for about 5 seconds then see the lo and go all gooey. Plus, holding the LO an hour later, or a day later isn't going to matter in the grand scheme of things- it's not a contest- it's more important they are there the rest of the child's life. (plus IDK- passing a baby around to millions of ppl turns me off- germ factories and I feel like it's unnerving to the NB, but that's me;) They want to be present in a hosp for labor, and be obnoxious, they can go get themselves pregnant and make the decisions;)
You can do this. Saying, "we'll call you", gives you 3 words to keep saying repeatedly that they cannot argue with or create loop holes. End of discussion, stay firm.
Sorry to write a book on it (again) I feel passionately that ppl need to get over themselves with this stuff...it's one of only two absolute requests in my birth plan- second to immediate skin contact.
Like PP have said, there would be a lot of eye rolling if I handed out a hard copy of dos and don't s.
You ladies ask great questions and offer wonderful advice!
Is there a "pack leader" in the family that you might be able to talk with one-on-one? With DH's family, it is his grandmother. I made a point to have a casual conversation with her on her own (made her feel special b/c I am a private person) to let her know I was uncomfortable with having people waiting at the hospital during my delivery with DS1. I didn't even have to tell anyone else; she is more efficient that local news media and made sure the family knew not to expect us to announce DS1's arrival until after the fact. Since I got her on my side, she spread the word in a nice way, and no one argues with Mamaw. A few people were a little put-off that we didn't allow visitors until the baby was a day old, but they got over it really quickly.
Thanks! This is definitely more the way I saw it. Something non-confrontational but gets the job done.
I really appreciate the suggestions. If I do decide to go down that road (I am going to try one more time to talk to them about it) then I will definitely use some of what you said.