Friend's self hosted baby shower tomorrow...

singingirl96 · April 2014

Hi ladies.

So a good friend of mine is hosting her own baby shower tomorrow....

Backstory / Drama: She co-hosted mine (for my son 2 year ago) and it was assumed I would be hosting hers... I even contacted her mother back in November to talk about plans to host and such...

However, she and I had a bit of a falling out and we didn't speak to each other until about a month ago when I confronted her about why we're not talking, why/if she was mad at me... or whatever. She still never really gave me a straight answer on why she was mad at me, but she said that I hurt her feelings and she couldn't tell me specifically what I said... which I think is a cop out. She said she just wanted some time apart from me. OK?!? I apologized even though I still have no clue what I did that pissed her off... I just think she was hormonal... She is a good friend, so I wanted to make things right since I do tend to speak without thinking and could have very well said something stupid that hurt her feelings... I just wish she would have told me what...

Anywho. I wasn't about to offer to host a last minute baby shower now. So I never mentioned it. Especially since her mother had hosted one (in a different state) for her. So I just let it be. Well, I got an invite about 2 weeks ago for her baby shower tomorrow. She's self hosting. And it has the registry information on it. I think this is incredibly tacky (though I haven't said it).

I'm going and taking a gift. I'm showing up early to help set up....

What is your take on this??? She made is sound like it was just gonna be a cookout to celebrate the baby and it wasn't a "baby shower" per se... but the invite clearly says "Baby shower" and it includes the registry info.... I do think it is funny that she wrote the invite in the 3rd person... "A baby shower for Mary and Peter" "Mary is registered at target"....

Sorry for the rant. I'm just beside myself over this.

tourqeyes · April 2014

I'm not even ready to touch on the baby shower thing, but did she accept any accountability for your falling out? Was it all on you the reason you two weren't speaking?

JayBzo · April 2014

Does it actually say hosted by her or it just says it is happening at her house? Not sure it really matters, just curious. My mom kept saying someone should host a shower at my house to make it easy for me (no hauling things home etc) but it seemed fishy to me and people offered their own homes so I was not about to say "are you sure you don't want to do it at my house?"

cuntasaurusrex · April 2014

I'd way rather [have DH] haul shit to my house than have to be there for set-up/tear-down of a party.

cakebatter27 · April 2014

I'd probably take a gift and go. I wouldn't help set up or clean up...you're clearly just a guest.

It is super tacky, especially since it's her second. I had a friend pretty much throw hers in February but her mother and MIL hate each other and she literally had no one offering anything. I don't think it was the right thing to do but there's two sides to every story.

If you're not sure what You're even apologizing for I'd reevaluate that "friendship".

Csltdk · April 2014

Lol my best friend hosted her second baby shower did her own invites and even asked people to bring diapers wipes and gift cards. I told her she's a tacky bitch lol. Each their own

TurtleMonsters · April 2014

I think you're going above and beyond as a friend. I hope she's willing to have a peaceful relationship after all of this- if she took the effort to tell you what you did (since you took the effort to make the first step to smooth it over), then it would be an equal playing field, but that is just childish. I wouldn’t feel comfortable around someone who wouldn't tell me, then said they needed time apart. that's weird...I've let "organic" time apart happen, where we just don't meet up and I'm happy not seeing the person as they are some how annoying. If she's that close to you, she should give you more then that.

Also, I'd half heartedly do the whole shower thing, just show up for the party, maybe have a gift- mostly because she HAD ONE ALREADY- and even if you weren't going to go out of state, you weren't invited- usually ppl invite everyone, and then if ppl don't attend they can send gifts or whatever, right? IDK...I'm not one big on showers or protocol. I'd much prefer a simple BBQ and likely many ppl bring a little something (or not- ppl are more important then gifts to me) if they weren't at the shower and there was a new baby- but all that would seem better post baby birth to me. But to each his own.

Skeemer · April 2014

Sorry OP, I have nothing productive to add except your son is just adorable!

And it seems like your "frenemy" sucks.

singingirl96 · April 2014

MSUDucks - Yes that is incredibly tacky. I don't think we'll be as close of friends as we used to be. that's for sure.

tourqeyes - you know, I'm still unsure why she wasn't speaking to me. I do tend to be blunt at times and sometimes I do say things that could be hurtful... so I'm sure I must have said something that pissed her off and hurt her feelings... So I apologized because I probably did say something... but what gets me is that I specifically asked her what I did that made her stop talking to me? And she couldn't tell me. She just said that she missed me but she needed some space because sometimes I can be rude and say things that upset her... then I asked specifically what so I could be better and properly apologize, and she couldn't tell me a specific instance... So I'm not sure.. I'm still clueless.

She on the other hand is flaky, cancels plans at the last minute or if we're together for the afternoon will leave abruptly if her husband is on his way home from work... it is so weird.

JayBzo - It does not say "hosted by" on it. It is at her place and it was written in the 3rd person as if someone else was hosting it... but she is definitely hosting it. She told me so.

cakebatter27 - I agree with you but I'm that one friend that people can count on to be there to help set up and be there to help clean up... its just what I do. But then again. She helped me set up and take down for my son's party, so it is the thing to do.
This is her first kid. Just second baby shower.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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AMcLaws · April 2014

My cousin threw herself a third shower for her last baby boy (had 3 boys in under 4 years) because she was mad that none of us stepped up to offer. Honestly, most of us didn't even go. It was last minute and super tacky.

TheMicster · April 2014

I think you are an incredibly gracious person for even going. Do you think it's going to be awkward at all? I wish you the best of luck. If I would you I would set up a lunch date with her beforehand to get everything out in the open.

As far as throwing your own shower, I can see the reasons why some would do so... like a crazy family situation.

My mother is throwing my "Baby Shower", but she is inviting a ridiculous amount of family, and they are bat $hit crazy. She's invited cousins and ex in-laws that I don't think I've seen for like 15 years! There is no way I am having my friends involved in this mess so with my husband we decided to have a get-to-gether at a restaurant for lunch. I sent out a regular invitation, that does not say Baby Shower, and the event is to celebrate the new baby. I did put a note in the invite clearly stating that my husband and I are hosting this, and that it is an opportunity to catch up with my girlfriends before the baby comes, due to the fact that I live so far away and everyone is busy with weddings and their babies. I included our registry, but clearly stated that gifts are not necessary, but if you wanted it here it is.

IDK, it may be tacky, but you never know someones situation.

darkangel42 · April 2014

Why's she having a second shower for the same baby? :-?

darkangel42 · April 2014

tundrabunny said:

darkangel42 said:

Why's she having a second shower for the same baby? :-?

I'm having two - both my sister and my co-worker wanted to throw me one and they're not groups that overlap and it really would be inconvenient for my co-workers to go where my sister lives or for my family to drive up here. It really is just easier to have two and have me be the one that drives somewhere else each time. I'm not overlapping my guest lists or anything - each person is only getting invited to one shower.

That makes sense then.

But why have a second shower self-hosted (I'm given to believe self-hosting is a no-no) when already being thrown a shower - even if groups don't overlap?

ashesandpearls · April 2014

Setting aside the issue of the falling out, I do not think a self hosted shower is always, necessarily tacky. I am not hosting my own shower, luckily I have friends and family who are hosting. But, I can imagine a situation in which self hosting might be the best option. Not everyone has family who are supportive, live close by or can even afford to throw a shower. And not everyone has close friends or friends who are willing or able to host.

Nichole8787 · April 2014

I honestly dont think it sounds like she values the friendship very much but that being said...I would show up with a gift as a guest. No help setting up or cleaning but that's just me.

brewbecks · April 2014

That was incredibly honorable of you to stand up and ask her what her problem was, and then to apologize. I do feel that is a bit tacky to self host a shower. It is one thing to throw a party to celebrate a baby but to ask for gifts is a bit much.

My MIL is throwing a shower for me at my house because it is neutral ground for my DH's family. My mom is throwing me a separate shower for me in my home town because it is far away from where I live now.

I agree with lots of posts above, I would go however I am not sure I would help her much not unless she took some blame and apologized as well!

missilini · April 2014

My friend hosted her own second baby shower awhile ago. She has an 18mo. girl and she just had another girl. I am ok with 2 babies showers if they are different sexes, but 2 babies showers for baby girls only a few months apart I thought was so tacky. And to throw it herself none the less. She invited her whole Facebook friend list and only about 10 or so people RSVP'd. Then no one showed up so she ripped people apart on Facebook. It was really bad. I seriously wonder what people are thinking some days. She also mentioned almost daily on Facebook that she was registered at Walmart.

megbradley12 · April 2014

We're throwing our own couples shower with a beer and diaper theme. We didn't want to burden a friend with the costs and my husband was insistent on having one. We did something similar to it for when we got married (again, we're a drinking crowd and didn't want to put that big of a financial burden on friends, especially when they're doing other things/showers for us). Is anyone else doing anything like that?

Unknown · April 2014

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Unknown · April 2014

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TheMicster · April 2014

megbradley12 ... I think what you're doing is COMPLETELY fine. In the end it's not you who needs the essentials, it's the baby. The whole point of a baby shower is to shower the baby with gifts that they will need to ensure their health, protection and so forth. I think it is great that you are looking out for your friends, as they are probably just as willing to look out for you.

Tomato, tomatoe... to each their own, but only you know your situation. Is it tacky to throw a birthday party for yourself and expect everyone to join you at the bar? Perhaps, but either way, its a celebration and you want people to be happy along with you.

BBColt78 · April 2014

I don't really care if people throw their own showers. I've never been to one like that, but it doesn't bother me.

acciovino · April 2014

TheMicster said:

megbradley12 ... I think what you're doing is COMPLETELY fine. In the end it's not you who needs the essentials, it's the baby. The whole point of a baby shower is to shower the baby with gifts that they will need to ensure their health, protection and so forth. I think it is great that you are looking out for your friends, as they are probably just as willing to look out for you.

Tomato, tomatoe... to each their own, but only you know your situation. Is it tacky to throw a birthday party for yourself and expect everyone to join you at the bar? Perhaps, but either way, its a celebration and you want people to be happy along with you.

I've never "thrown my own birthday party"....who does that?

singingirl96 · April 2014

Thank you for all the input. The shower was fine and I gave her the same gifts I would have given her otherwise. She did throw my baby shower so I'd feel bad if I didn't come to hers or brought a not so nice gift. I helped set up and helped clean up some but didn't go overboard.

I think she should could have thrown a barbeque to celebrate, but I hate it that she called it a baby shower, had baby shower decorations and listed the registry on the invites. If she wants to throw a party, that's fine... its the whole baby shower label that bothers me.

Since she befriended many of MY friends.... it was nice to hang out with them all afternoon. So that part was a win!

Unknown · April 2014

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TugboatSheila · April 2014

In regards to throwing your own birthday party, I feel like as an adult birthday gifts are not part of the deal.

You better believe I'm throwing myself a Harry Potter themed 30th birthday because I can. But I don't feel like it's an occasion to receive gifts, I feel like it's an excuse to have friends and family over and geek out on Harry Potterness.

TheMicster · April 2014

I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer here. It's all opinion. No harm no foul. Wishing you all a great rest of your pregnancy

singingirl96 ... I'm glad everything worked out for you.

Birdymamma · April 2014

I have thrown three showers!

Unknown · April 2014

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Birdymamma · April 2014

Yes! They were very well received. Four people came to one. And three people to one. And the lady one had seven.

dobbyisfree · April 2014

I want to be invited to the Harry Potter birthday party.

bullybutt · April 2014

Birdymamma said:

Yes! They were very well received. Four people came to one. And three people to one. And the lady one had seven.

I'm sure it was money well spent and time well invested.

TheMicster · April 2014

symphony4586 ... I see where you're coming from. It's all good. However, please do not assume that I have a sense of entitlement due to my response on a very minor subject (baby showers) in life on a Bump discussion board. Or that I think it's okay for people to walk around with a sense of entitlement.

BTW I like your costumes in your profile pic... My friends dressed up for halloween last year as Mario Kart characters and it was big hit! They had themselves in cardboard cars and had bananas attached and everything, it was pretty neat. Take Care!

*Edited for mobile spelling error

Skeemer · April 2014

Birdymamma said:

Yes! They were very well received. Four people came to one. And three people to one. And the lady one had seven.

I gotta say, Birdy is hangin' in there like a hair in a biscuit & giving us our entertainment's worth.

TugboatSheila · April 2014

amlonica said:

I want to be invited to the Harry Potter birthday party.

I'll add you to my guest list.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

Birdymamma said:
Yes! They were very well received. Four people came to one. And three people to one. And the lady one had seven.

I wish I could find my instructions in how to GIF from mobile. Since I can't:

singingirl96 · April 2014

Skeemer said:

Birdymamma said:

Yes! They were very well received. Four people came to one. And three people to one. And the lady one had seven.

I gotta say, Birdy is hangin' in there like a hair in a biscuit & giving us our entertainment's worth.

I hardly think that is well received if only 4 people came to one, 3 to the other and 7 to the third.... At my baby shower there were more than 30 people there....

Hoshikitsune · April 2014

Amazing. I want a baby shower, but I am not rude enough to throw my own. She needs to either be gifted the shower or go without...like me.

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