So. Much. Anger.

PumpkinMommaaa · April 2014

Recently, I feel like I'm always angry. It's like the minute something goes wrong, I get mad like I've never been so mad in my life. I seriously want to break everything in my path.

I'm not sure if it's the stress of our big move coming up, the lack of help from DH, or the stress of staying with my mom until we move. But I've been getting so so angry lately that I don't know why to do anymore.

In the MOTN, after trying ten times to get LO back down and failing, I really feel like I have nothing else to do but punch myself in the face. Seriously, the thought crosses my mind. It's scary to admit but I've banged my head against the wall behind our be out of frustration before. DD refuse to wean from he boob so MOTN feedings are all up to me.

I would never do something to DD, I don't worry about that, but I've really never been so mad. Ever. And it happens daily. And it usually ends with me in tears because I know things shouldn't make me as angry as they do.

I have no irl friends to talk to. At all. And I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for the vent.

PumpkinMommaaa · April 2014

@starscream‌ I haven't said much to him but I think he notices. I definitely need to have a long talk though.

And thanks for not flaming me. It seems so silly to even think that I did that, but in the heat of the moment I just couldn't control it.

It's just so hard because until I got pregnant it took a very lot to upset. I was always the girl who smiled. Even if I was bothered. So it's hard to admit that I really cannot control myself.

I will definitely be calling the doctor tomorrow though.

ETA: Thank you, very much.

jlp0528 · April 2014

Hugs, hugs, hugs. I know how you feel exactly. The first 3 months of DD's life and sometimes before she sleep trained I felt those feelings. I would feel SO angry because she was so colicky and NOTHING helped, I had no help from anyone when DH traveled I would get angry and throw shit, pull my hair, scream and cry at times. This wasn't all the time, usually just after a particularly exhausting and long day. I was the happy go lucky girl too before baby.

I am sorry things are so tough for you right now, I wish somehow I could give you the break I know you need. Can you talk to your h and let him know how bad it's getting and that you need help? Hoping this tough time passes fast.

Edit: I saw your response after and I'm glad you're calling your doctor. I hope you get the help you need!

KaramelSutra · April 2014

I'm sorry

Salemkitty13 · April 2014

@PumpkinMommaaa‌ I'm so sorry. How long until you move? Will you have better support there? When you are not sleeping it is hard to stay yourself. I have been super irritable but I seriously can't remember the last time I slept even four straight hours. You are not alone. This too shall pass. I'm glad you are going to see a doctor. :hugs:

PumpkinMommaaa · April 2014

Thank you ladies so much! I haven't really told DH how bad it's getting because I was embarrassed really. That and I didn't want to add any more stress. He sees it sometimes. But he just kinda backs off, I'm not really sure he knows how to react.

Thanks for helping me see I'm not completely crazy and alone. :x

algalphys · April 2014

I was like this with DS1 and I have moments with DS2...for ds1 it was definitely ppd related. I was so mad I put my foot through the wall one day. I never sought help for my ppd with ds1 and I regret that. I missed a lot of the first year of his life.

llybeck · April 2014

I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this, that's a lot of stress to deal with on top of extremely limited sleep. I agree with PP, you aren't yourself when you're running on what feels like little to no energy. I really hope things get better for you after the move and I'm so proud of you for calling your doctor, that's a big deal.

I really just wanted to chime in and say that clearly you're not alone. I went through a spell like this when my PPD/PPA was at it's worst. It got bad enough that I slapped a bottle of water out of my fiance's hand when he was trying to take a drink because he wouldn't help me clean the kitchen or something ridiculous like that, he told me to stop and then I flipped out so bad he basically had to bear hug me until I calmed down. I've never, ever been like that in my life or anywhere even close to that so that was the point where I went into the doctor. I felt like I was going totally insane, it's an absolutely horrible feeling and my heart really goes out to you because I know how hard it is to feel like you are not in control. Especially when you've always been positive and upbeat.

It will get better, it really will. Talking to your doctor and getting help is huge, you can't go through this by yourself. Your DH sounds like how my SO handled things at first, he didn't know how to react and just kind of "ignored" it. He didn't really ignore it, he basically just distanced himself from it. Talking to your DH and explaining how frustrated your feeling and that you're going to discuss it with your doctor will be a relief. It's important to talk that stuff out with your SO, I think it helps them understand at least a little and recognize that you aren't just being cranky or upset but that you are legitimately having a hard time and it's difficult/impossible to control.

I'm here if you ever want to talk or vent or anything. I know you said you don't have anyone IRL but there seem to be a lot of us here who understand and have been in your shoes, we're here for you

thedash · April 2014

As you can see you are not alone. It's embarrassing but several of us have been exactly where you are right now at some point. You absolutely MUST get some rest and more support from DH. And call your doctor as PP's have said. It will get better I promise.

PumpkinMommaaa · April 2014

@twolittlewheels‌ I've thought about doing the same thing! I figure, at the very least it will give me a few minute break but I know too it's a terrible idea. I quit smoking when I got pregnant and have had urges to smoke even before all the new stress. So now it just sucks.

As for you, make the time! I only made the appt today and already feel better.

bermybabe68 · April 2014

My heart hurts for you all. At the same time, there's a small sense of relief that I'm not the only one. I struggled, a lot, in the first 3 months when dd was colicky, wouldn't sleep, up every couple of hours and was so rarely happy? I had my fair share of meltdowns too. Hugs to you all who went through it and/or are still going through it. @PumpkinMommaaa‌ I'm glad you are going to the doctor and I hope you get the help you need. I hope you are able to make some friends when you move too so that you have a strong support group. Join a 'mum and me' group, go to 'book babies' story time at the local library, sign LO up for swim classes where parents join in, etc and hopefully you'll start connecting with some other mums and forging some real life friendships. And of course, we are always here for you too

] And @twolittlewheels noooooo!!! Don't start smoking again! I quit when I found out I was pregnant and crave it at times too so I know how insanely difficult it is to give up. One ciggy is all it takes. Please, I hope you find another outlet for your stress.

Zoly1103 · April 2014

I am so sorry; I have also been dealing with anger issues for the past few months. I don't think I am having issues with PPD/PPA (at least I hope not), I have just dealt with a lot of loss in the past two years and I think it is all catching up to me. Instead of hitting though, I prefer to throw things. It's so strange, one minute I am fine and then one small thing sets me OFF.

MJHershey · April 2014

I would get angry too with my PPA, add sleep deprivation and (understandable) resentment towards your husband and stress of moving= hot mess! So no flames, we've been there!!

I am glad the weather helps, and I hope you get into your doc soon. Also, talking to DH seriously about what is going on and how he can help - hopefully this will ease things.

PumpkinMommaaa · April 2014

Again, I just wanted to say thank you to you ladies. This really helped a lot. I talked to DH, he's starting to help a lot more, and we argue a little less knowing that we are not the issue.

I love you S13!

Salemkitty13 · April 2014

I'm so glad!

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