How I imagine raising my kids (FTM)

Daisylola11 · April 2014

A little background; the topic came up this last week I spent w my in-laws and their kids (7) at a cabin, so I saw just how different everyone disciplines their kids and there was times I heard some of the parents complain abut how others weren't disciplining/controlling their kids. I know the kids were excited to see all of their cousins and in this new environment but I couldn't help but also think about how "I would handle" my kids in this situation. I have always noticed I am more strict minded and when asked of my opinion the parents always answer "wait till you have your own"

I know it can be a learn as you go and every child is different approach, I just feel like I have high expectations for myself and my kids compared to other parents I know. Maybe I shouldn't compare so much... I just hate when I'm told I can't do something (makes me want to prove them wrong lol)

So my question is to STM really, did you end up raising/disciplining your kids the way u imagined you would to before you actually had them?

And for FTM, anyone feeling like this? Reading any good parenting books that can ease your mind?

TIA!!

ashleylucke · April 2014

I am a FTM but also a teacher. I feel blessed to see the different ways that parents discipline their children and what is effective and what is not.

I think this will be a tool that will help decide exactly how I want to discipline my child.

rockyrollgirl · April 2014

STM. I judged how people parented a lot more BEFORE I had a kid of my own. Now it is a whole different ballgame. There is no one right way, you have to choose what works for the kid and your family.

I still judge parents who use spanking as the only form of discipline though.

mhbraymer · April 2014

I think we have stuck to what we said we would do with discipline. Somethings had to be adjusted with DD but it has worked out. I would say I'm the more stricter parent between me and dh but like pp said we always sit and talk about it.

Daisylola11 · April 2014

Good responses ladies thanks!

I have become more understanding with kids having their own personalities and having temper tantrums and such, I've looked after a few kids consistently over the last 3 years. I think what I'm having a hard time with is the idea of others scrutinizing the way I discipline/raise my kids.

(I know I shouldnt care what ppl think

)

For example I would like my kids to understand activities done indoors vs outdoors (yelling, running, playing w toys), respect other ppls homes (not letting them run around climbing on things etc) and have routines like eating meal/snack at a table then when finished washing their hands ( you would think this is common but I've seen so many kids take bites and run around w food in their mouth and dirty hands the entire meal time) .

Most importantly I want both DH and I to be on the same page as far as being consistent, I've seen how parents are manipulated by kids when they give in to something they had already said no to. Am I being ridiculously anal??

Daisylola11 · April 2014

noodles84 said:

I discipline my daughter the way I figured I would. However every kid is different and my daughter is only 5. I feel like the big issues are still yet to come and what I think I will do about certain things may not truly be how it ends up being handled. I was probably a little judge-y prior to having DD. Now I figure whatever works for you and your kid great.

Good point to keep in mind that there are bigger issues as they get older, thanks!

lookame3639 · April 2014

It's hard to explain exactly how I raise DS. It took years of refining skills that I knew and some i didn't know would work. FI and I took a parenting class together called incredible years for children with oppositional defiance disorder which has helped considerably. With DS we have had to become "fluid" with how we handle him. Some situations require much harder consequences than others.

When your a FTM it's easy to say I'll be strict, my kids will be extremely well behaved ect but each child is different and where DS is extremely well behaved in almost all situations (there are a few which again comes to the fluid in consequences) it took several years for us to work to this point. We had to set up routines and i have to tell him ahead of time what I expect for him to do and how he needs to act.

mikescutie7 · April 2014

I'm a ftm with expectations that I expect to get completely blown to shreds when I actually kids. I do know how I would expect my children to behave but have no set guidelines on how I will enforce or encourage that good behavior. I'm not too worried about it, I feel my parents disciplined my brothers and I in great ways and I hope to incorporate some of those methods with my kids, but we will see

Kondasa · April 2014

STM here. I have definitely eaten a lot of words. Not as much around discipline, but more around things like--never letting them watch tv, no junk food ever etc.

I have kept to the biggies like not spanking and not yelling, but I would say parenting is harder than I thought on the little things (keeping your child still, negotiations around food, potty training).

I actually tend to judge super strict parents more than non-strict parents. I am a big believer of setting boundaries through actions, schedules and modeling good behaviors over "discipline." I find the parents who physically or verbally discipline all the time don't necessarily get the best results.

Temperament of child has a lot to do with it as well. And while a child may be wild as a toddler they tend to also be curious and intelligent--all good traits for when the begin attending school. My nephew was a really good child and was always compared to my DD because he was so good and played so nicely by himself. Never questioned rules, never talked back, never got into anything. Now he is in school is is struggling because he never hit those milestones that non parents tend to think are "discipline problems."

Ok--I will climb off the soap box now.

BeachM · April 2014

cruelsound said:
Don't go in with any rules or expectations other than, "I will what is right and what is best for my family."

Then you play that shit by ear.

Yes. 100 times yes.

I judged before I had a kid. Now, I don't judge. I just say a little hallelujah it's not my 3 year old flipping out. You think you've got it down and then you have a 3.5 year old. 1, 2, 3 Magic (book) works well for us but I still feel like you just have to take it as it comes.

Jennicillin · April 2014

Daisylola11 said:

Good responses ladies thanks!

I have become more understanding with kids having their own personalities and having temper tantrums and such, I've looked after a few kids consistently over the last 3 years. I think what I'm having a hard time with is the idea of others scrutinizing the way I discipline/raise my kids.
(I know I shouldnt care what ppl think )

For example I would like my kids to understand activities done indoors vs outdoors (yelling, running, playing w toys), respect other ppls homes (not letting them run around climbing on things etc) and have routines like eating meal/snack at a table then when finished washing their hands ( you would think this is common but I've seen so many kids take bites and run around w food in their mouth and dirty hands the entire meal time) .
Most importantly I want both DH and I to be on the same page as far as being consistent, I've seen how parents are manipulated by kids when they give in to something they had already said no to. Am I being ridiculously anal??

My husband and I do all of this with our kids, it's reasonable and possible as long as you're consistent and on the same page. RE: The bolded part... for our kids we have found that if the rules stay the same no matter where we are it helps keep things black and white. I remember one time watching a mother desperately trying to stop her son from jumping on and off of the (extremely fancy) coffee table of our friend. She kept apologizing and saying he didn't understand because they didn't mind it on their coffee table at home. In short... if no jumping on the furniture is a rule at home, it won't be an issue away, because the rule in the two places is the same. Black and white, easy boundary...

We've often gotten rolled eyes, judgey remarks about how something's not a big deal, or let our kids be kids, etc... The same people are complimenting us on how good our kids are though and wishing theirs would do XYZ. You learn really quick to let it roll off of your back and do what works for your family.

Daisylola11 · April 2014

@Jennicillin‌ yes! The eye rolling and comments on how "it's ok, they're just kids" is a big one. And interesting that you mentioned that these ppl noticed how well behaved your LO can be, my mom said she went through this exact thing, and at the end of the day ppl enjoying having her kids over because they weren't terrible.

Eena1242 · April 2014

I'm a FTM here, but thought I would share my approach. Someone once told me that I'm the best parent until I have children of my own... It has stuck with me and I try not to be critical of parenting styles (which is hard because I'm always critical).

One thing I have been trying to do though is look for parenting styles that I like and that I think I would like to incorporate into my own discipline style. I think it's helped me be more open-minded and realize there are many ways that are just as effective as to how I was raised. We'll see how it goes once I actually have this child though.

shortnsweet65218 · April 2014

How do I intend to raise my kids? The 2 big things -
1) With boundaries and structure. I have no freaking clue how we'll do that exactly, but it will happen. We'll start with a sleep/bedtime schedule.

2) They'll get legit jobs as soon as they're legally allowed working papers, but they'll start with under-the-table stuff before that (babysitting, yard work, etc).... Both DH and I had part-time jobs by 12-13. We both believe that these early experiences were vital to our upbringing and in shaping who we are today.

I'm pretty sure about some rules, but I don't follow a set method or theory - only that kids need structure and boundaries.

Also, it helps that I work with child/adolescent psychiatrists and therapists - so I have resources

And the fact that my desk is right outside the waiting room helps me to witness both good and bad parenting moments, too.

But mostly, if my kids start misbehaving or getting spoiled, my Mom will KILL me

happylady07 · April 2014

rockyrollgirl said:
STM. I judged how people parented a lot more BEFORE I had a kid of my own. Now it is a whole different ballgame. There is no one right way, you have to choose what works for the kid and your family.

I still judge parents who use spanking as the only form of discipline though.

This. I also still judge parents who are too lazy to parent as well, the ones who are always taking the easy way out and have hellions running their lives.

Chicky0727 · April 2014

I wasn't sure how I would handle disciplining our kids and never really had something set in my mind, but I knew the things I wasn't going to do. And so far so good. We've had to make some adjustments as I tend to be the more strict parent, I'm the oldest, and my H is more lenient, he's the youngest. But for the most part him and I are on the same page as far as parenting. We tend to have a laid back attitude about it and try to handle each situation as it comes up.

With our son, who is our first born, he needed very little discipline. A few stern looks or the the occasional counting to 3 worked really well for him. He is now 8 and is still pretty easy going. He has gotten sent to his room to sit on his bed for a time-out, but he's very rarely in trouble.

Our daughter on the other hand has proven to be more of a challenge. Counting to 3 works really well for her and she has had the occasional swat on the butt, she tends to push her boundaries a lot more. She is definitely more of a risk taker than my son, so we've had to make some adjustments to how we handle her vs. our son. But for the most part stern looks, a time-out or counting to 3 works pretty well for the kids.

Like I said before, we try to take it one day at a time and we generally stay on top of our kids, without being the helicopter parent, when we're out and about. We get compliments all the time when we're out with the kids and it makes me feel like what we're doing is working out well for us.

But to each their own...each parent and kid are different. We'll see what we have to do with this one when the time comes.

shevaCC · April 2014

I definitely still judge, but I judge differently now than before I had DD. Before, I judged based on the kids' actions...now I judge the parents' reactions. Now I realize that all kids have their moments, good and bad, no matter how good/bad/engaged/distracted their parents are. I can forgive/ignore/sympathize with the kids screaming, jelly legs, or running around crazily.

What I still judge hard is lazy parenting, and out-of-control parents. If you regularly have to resort to yelling and threats to keep your kids "under control" I'll judge. Not the same as losing your cool occasionally and snapping -- that I totally understand and sympathize with. If you don't bother with setting limits at all and just let your child run wild, I'll judge that too. And finally, if you'd rather be playing on your phone/ipad/computer than engaging with your kid and regularly ignore them in favor of being plugged in, I'll judge. Obviously we all need a break sometimes and often find electronics a welcome distraction, plus it's good for kids to learn to entertain themselves. But not so good for them to learn that you value your phone more than you value them.

Chicky0727 · April 2014

cruelsound said:

I will emphasis one thing to first time parents.
Set up a routine early on, especially once the kid starts eating solids (really, once they are out of that newborn stage.)
We have always done dinner, bath, pjs, wind down time (usually we'll pop their favorite show on the tv or, now that the weather is nicer, we go outside and hang out on the deck) then bed time and it has helped so much. They know what to expect once that time of night hits and we rarely have ever had issues putting them to bed. No fights, no craziness, they get it's time to go to sleep and even sometimes say, "Bed, please."
I see our neighbors,who have two toddlers and have never once had a bit of structure for bedtime, struggle. They are up at 9 or 10 at night and you can hear the kids screaming and fighting bed time, it just seems so exhausting.

Best piece of advice ever!

We have always had a pretty consistent routine with our kids, while my sister on the other hand does not, and she struggles so hard with her kid I want to cry for her. Routines are the best ever! If you can get on one, do it. You will not regret it and everyone will be happy.

8pm my kids are in bed...they may not be asleep, but they are in bed and do not get up. Both, so far, are fast sleepers like my H so that helps, but once 8pm hits...I am no longer mommy. Lol. That is my wind down time and it makes for a happier me to have that bit of a break, especially for my H and I when our schedules lately are so opposite.

gris37 · April 2014

I always heard the "wait till you have your own" line too. I'm very much an authoritative parent. I believe discipline = love. I realize how judgemental I was before I had kids, and have learned that there are good/bad days with disciplining, but I also think that those same people that told me to wait until I had my own, are now seeing how I parent my child and are noticing some of my methods actually work. My biggest lesson has been to worry about your own kids, nobody has all the answers and even when you think you are doing everything right, someone else will come along and judge you.

Daisylola11 · April 2014

This is all really really great advice! Thank you! I'm starting to feel better about keeping an open mind. Funny how I've really noticed that I need to stop caring so much about what others think, any major life events this happens to me (most recently my wedding) but this is the first time where I can be selfish because it will be my children, my little family. I'm excited now!!!

kimberlybethh · April 2014

I used to judge a lot pre-kids then I became a parent and realized how difficult it is. I had all sorts of expectations about how we would do things (no junk food, no cio, no tablet until two, etc.) But I have found that we have done a lot of things differently than I had originally envisioned. I think it's important to manage your expectations. I find I constantly fall short but dd is well-loved and seems well adjusted for her age. You just have figure out what works best for your family and realize it's a fluid process that changes with every new stage.

Lawgrl04 · April 2014

You've gotten great advice. One thing to keep in mind is that what works for one age, will not work for another age. For example, my daughter just turned 3. She can throw a tantrum like nobody's business and when she is in that state, you just have to wait for the storm to pass before you can do anything productive to improve the situation. Other times, she responds well to reasoning and consequences. When a child is truly in the midst of a real tantrum, there isn't much you can do in that moment. Toddlers are special.

I'll just echo the importance of sleep. It affects children's behavior SOOOO much. Good sleep routines = happier kids.

One PP mentioned that her siblings listen to her because they know she means business. This reminded me of some of the best parenting advice I received when I was a FTM. A developmental specialist followed my first son from birth because he was a preemie. She would visit every 4-6 weeks in our home. She was generally very complimentary of my parenting, but she noticed that I wasn't really sure how to discipline him. She gave me an article on the subject, long story short, it said the most important thing in getting your children to listen is to believe in your own authority as a parent. Meaning, when you say something, mean it and follow through. Kids are smart, and they sense when you aren't going to back up your words. When my kids aren't listening to me, I approach the interaction with the thought that "You are going to listen to me, my will is stronger than yours."

And even with all of this thoughtful consideration, keep in mind there are going to be times when it all falls apart. For example, boarding a flight two weeks ago with my daughter, who was in the middle of a huge tantrum, screaming like she was on fire. If the passengers had had stones, they would have thrown them. Turns out she was scared to fly but couldn't find the words to express it. She calmed the minute she sat down and passed the 2.5 hour flight quietly. But I am sure the other passengers had already decided I was a horrible mother and <gasp> what was I thinking having another child!? Those 25 minutes during boarding were sheer hell. Sometimes you just can't win.

BeachM · April 2014

I will echo @cruelsound about the bedtime routine and all that. What I notice now that mine is over 3 is that so much of bad behavior can be blamed on being overtired. It is extremely obvious which kids in Finn's preschool class do not get enough sleep. There are studies after studies showing how lack of sleep affects the behavior of young children and a good bedtime routine and being consistent with expectations about sleep really makes such a difference.

Whatever you do, be consistent about it. Don't make threats you won't follow through on. They will learn to play you very fast.

abirdd9 · April 2014

We parent exactly how I thought we would. We treat our child with respect. We practice positive discipline (which isn't really discipline to anyone in my family. They all think we let her run our lives, but that couldn't be further from the truth.). We do not use physical punishment of any kind. MH was spanked as a child and has promised that we will never lay a hand on her. We do not belittle her or shame her for anything. She does not get time outs. We use 1, 2, 3 after she hasn't listened several times to what we are saying to her (Stella I need you to come out from behind those swings (at BRU yesterday) because mama needs to potty and it's not safe for me to leave you alone here. I'm going to count to 3 and if you're not coming out by the time I get to 3 then we're not going to watch Super Why during our rest time today.). The trick to 1, 2, 3 working for us is that I've followed through and she was pissed about it. So she knows if I get to 3, she's not going to get what I'm taking away. She is incredibly well behaved, but she's also almost three and definitely acts like an almost three year old with her tantrums and attitude sometimes! [ETA] When she decides to throw a fit (it's usually because she's tired) I just leave her alone. If that means letting her cry on the floor next to me at BRU while I check out then fine. If I try and calm her down in the middle of that she just screams louder. Sometimes I can talk her calm, but not always so I pick my battles. I'm constantly explaining things to her about why we do things, why doing certain things aren't safe, what we're going to do after we finish doing what we're doing.

How I imagine raising my kids (FTM)

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