:( Rough couple of days...

**living children mentioned**
Rant, pretty long. Also, it gets a little brutal when I talk about my dream. Just fair warning.

So last night I was asked to babysit my 4 month old niece. She has reflux, indigestion and heartburn and is on a prescription of zantac for it. Her parents are notorious for not having all of her supplies with her when they leave her with someone. They've left her with me before without diaper wipes or formula before, so I've been checking her bag. This time I didn't because the past two times I've had her she had everything. This time her mother put her fancy pink sunglasses in the diaper bag, but forgot the baby's medicine. That poor little girl screamed for four hours before we got ahold of her grandmother to bring us some of her medicine from their house. Later than night when the baby's father came to pick her up, he told us that his wife is trying to ween their daughter off of her medicine and that he is convinced that "It's all in her head.".... WHAT!? How in the HELL can a 4 month old have been diagnosed with something when she was a newborn and they just decide that it's purely psychosomatic?! I can't understand it for the life of me! I'm sorry, but if my child were diagnosed by a medical professional with a problem like that and had medicine that actually helped deal with it, then I wouldn't want to force my infant to stop taking her medicine just because I don't feel like giving it to her anymore. The fact of the matter is that the newness of having a baby has worn off and they don't seem to care as much anymore. Apparently she's already been talking to other family members about how she can't wait to have another, but she can't handle the two she has. I can't help but worry about my niece...

Then, after he left with the baby, my other brother in law who lives with us sat down at his computer to watch the show, House, on Netflix. It's a great show, but I really wish he had either played a different episode or watched it after I went to bed. The episode he watched was one where a virus wiped out a nursery in a hospital. I couldn't handle it and had to leave the room. Last night my husband and I laid in bed both in tears. It was horrible. Even if he hadn't watched the whole episode, it's one we had seen before. I know what happens and it caused me to relive being in Labor and Delivery in the hospital almost 8 weeks ago. I've had a lot of problems with nightmares and insomnia ever since our son passed away. Once I did fall asleep, I had a horrible dream. I dreamed that my live-in brother in law's girlfriend and I had an argument. I dreamed that his daughter broke her foot after jumping on the steps leading to her bedroom and fell, and that his girlfriend decided that it was my fault. She decided that it wasn't a broken foot, and that she had caught spina bifida from me and had developed club feet. In my dream she blamed me because she was convinced that I was a carrier for spina bifida, that I was contagious and that's why my son got it and that it was my fault he died. I completely lost my mind and picked up a chair, bashing her over her head with it. I tied her to the chair, and once she woke up, I cut her feet off. I woke up in a cold sweat. I'm so tired of nightmares like that. Almost every nightmare I have anymore involves me violently lashing out, and either mangling or killing someone. It makes me not even want to sleep anymore.

After all that last night, we got up early today to take our 4 year old to an appointment with her pediatrician. It's time for her to get her shots up to date so that she can start school. While we were there, they had us do a few tests with her to determine where she is developmentally and intellectually. She is apparently on par with an average 6 year old, which is fantastic and made me very proud of her. She still has what her doctor referred to as a 'innocent heart murmur' that she isn't worried about yet. My sister in law had one when she was little and it went away with no issues. She took her shots like a champ, too. While we were there though, a woman asked me, "Does she have any siblings?" I told her she doesn't have any living siblings. An older woman looked at me and asked, "Does that mean that you also have an angel?" She and I talked about our angels for a long time. After she left with her grandchildren, another woman came in and sat right in front of me... with her 8 week old son. She also asked me if Piper has any siblings, but wasn't nearly as understanding when I told her that she has no living siblings. She was the kind of person that says, "What did you do wrong?", "That would never happen to me.", and "Well, you can always have another." Yes, I can have another baby. I am 26, married to a man and fertile. I get that. Do I want to have another baby? Yes. DO I want to have another baby to replace my son? NO. I will never be able to replace my son, because a child is not disposable. I would welcome another child, but another child is still a different child. It made it so much worse that her baby boy is the same age that my little Link should be. I don't understand how someone can be so insensitive to the death of a baby, especially one that's the same age as your own...

On the way home, we had to stop at a grocery store to pick up supplies for tomorrow nights dinner. It was a quick run in and out with a short list so that we could get home quickly. I wanted to be done being away from home for the day. While we were there, my daughter finished the sucker she got from the doctors office, so her daddy took her to the bathroom to wash her hands and face. While I was standing alone, an old friend that I met while I was still working came up to say hi. We made small talk for a minute, and then she said, "So, I heard you were working on baby number two, congrats! How's that going?" I should be 27 weeks pregnant now, and I am overweight, but I don't have the pregnant belly anymore. I had a shopping cart in front of me though, so she couldn't see. It was so, so hard to explain to explain that he passed away at 19 weeks because of complications from his spina bifida and hydrocephalus. She was very understanding and gave her condolences, but the people behind me eavesdropping were not. It felt like they were considering what I had to say about my son's death entertainment. I heard them gawking and commenting on how they didn't even know a baby could die. She heard them too, and we left the conversation there. She knew it hurt to have people so inconsiderate talking about my son like that.

Now that we're home for the day, I'm going to drown my sorrows in chamomile tea and chocolate.