Sort of a sad funk tonight.

AshleyDehaven · April 2014

So, tis the season. Everyone is announcing pregnancies, or having babies right now. I am thrilled for every single one of them. But i am a little.. Jealous.. too. If things had gone how we planned, we would be TTC soon with #2. Now, i will probably never get to carry a baby again. If i do it will be high risk, like bed rest the whole time, high risk, and i don't think that is fair to any of us. We always planned on 2. I know it is silly to be feeling sad about this right now, life is a mess, i am still sick, and Thoren starts therapy next week. But i dunno, it's hard to watch the dream fly on by. KWIM?

AshleyDehaven · April 2014

It doesn't help that i am #flyingsoloallnight with a #teethingtoddler. Erich has duty all night, and Thoren is cutting FOUR molars and two canines right now. Right now? the ugly jealous side of me wants to be done with army drama. I want to be home, with family. I want to get the 2 surgeries i need before we could even consider ttc, and find out once and for all if i will ever get to do it again. I want to start Thoren's therapy, and get him going. I want to get out of Texas. I want a firm diagnosis for myself and a treatment plan. I want my husband to have the spark back in his eyes, that he gets when he is doing something he loves. I want to WANT him again, hell, i would settle for wanting the battery operated version if it meant i wanted anything at all in that department. I want my kid to be okay. To get this speech delay handled, and put it behind us. I want for the rest of his life, for people to look at him and see the amazing, smart, funny, sweet boy that he is, and not a developmental delay. I want to enjoy life again, and it would be really nice to have an antidepressant that worked, but psychiatry is backed up 6 months here so i have to wait til we move. I want.. My life back..

dreemkin84 · April 2014

I'm sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I can't help with most of those things but I can say that I know how you feel about the pregnancy announcements. We have been ttcas for 6 months now (including a loss). Anyway, if things don't work out for you physically, maybe you can look into adoption or surrogacy. We are here to support you ((hugs))

AshleyDehaven · April 2014

@dreemkin84 - We are totally open to, and want to adopt a daughter down the road once i'm healthy. Unfortunately most courts in this country won't allow adoptions to families when one of the parents has a diagnosed medicated mental condition (depression). But we have looked into, and are very optimistic about foreign adoption.

@kittynap - until yesterday things were so tense and felt so hopeless that we had kind of hit a communication rut. I kept telling him and telling him, and he listened, but doesn't understand. He tries so hard to be supportive, and help me, but it's hard when there really isn't anything that isn't already being done. But we found out yesterday that we are getting out. Of the Army, and out of Texas. We get to go home.

AshleyDehaven · April 2014

Also @dreemkin84 - i am so sorry for your loss. I've been there, and i know there isn't anything anyone can say. But if you ever need to talk or vent, you are more than welcome to PM me.

OhBaby+2013 · April 2014

Hang in there momma! You have every right to feel the way you do. I'm glad to hear you are open with your husband but it's hard when they don't really have any point of reference with things. Depression is no picnic, but the right mess can make a world of difference. I was depressed in my early 20's and after some Zoloft I couldn't believe how much better and more clear I felt. I hope you can get the treatment you need as soon as possible. And lean on us if you need to, we might not have answers but we can certainly send lots of cyber hugs and T&P!

ungraceful13 · April 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It is not silly to be sad. It is a loss of a dream at least the way you had dreamt it for so long. Your feelings are your feelings and they are perfectly valid. I hope you are able to get the chance to TTC again. We went through IF with DD and I felt sad with every announcement I saw and sometimes mad so I get that part of it.

jobiann · April 2014

(((hugs))) Momma. It sounds like there is just so much on your shoulders. But it also sounds like you are climbing out of it. You're going to be moving back closer to your family and it sounds like your H will be able to find something he really likes to do and get out of the Army. And of course your son is in the right path and he is getting help. As far as another baby, just concentrate on getting yourself better and getting DS through his therapy. I know it's not as easy as it sounds. Take one day at a time!

One thing a friend of mine did when she was counting down the time to a really important change in her life really helped her cope. She made a countdown paper link chain so she could visually see she had less and less time to reach the next phase of her life. It might be fun, just keep it out of reach of the toddler! I know my DS would have a hay day with it. (see below)

You know we are always here for you. I know we are internet strangers but we really do care about you and want you to be well and your family to be in a better place. (((hugs)))

gagirl2004 · April 2014

I just wanted to say (Hugs) to you mama. Glad to hear your getting out of Texas and maybe once you are home things will be easier. We are all hear to support you.

portentosa · April 2014

Now I feel like a jerk for my baby update thread this morning. I am not on this board very often lately but I wanted to say ((hugs)) to you mama.

AshleyDehaven · April 2014

trombgirl said:

Now I feel like a jerk for my baby update thread this morning. I am not on this board very often lately but I wanted to say ((hugs)) to you mama.

Oh honey don't! I am still SO happy and excited for all of you Jan mamas that are expecting! It was just a long, hard day, yesterday, and i was feeling down. Never feel bad about baby news

spainy17 · April 2014

Dude, I want another baby like I want an Asshole in my elbow right now and I STILL get jealous of other peoples pregnancy announcements! Something about the happiness of a baby, that thrill and secret, love it! Don't feel bad at all. Its hard to let go of any version of the future. You deserve a sad night. It will be followed by plenty of happy ones :-)

emja0214 · April 2014

I just want to let you know that I think of you often and pray that you get answers soon. It is great news that you will be moving soon and closer to family. Thoughts, hugs, prayers, and anything else you need!

URMySunshine77 · April 2014

I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time. I just want to say that you are an awesome momma. If I could, I would be over in a heartbeat to help babysit, clean the house, etc., while you get some "me-time." My DH travels 10 days at a time for work, so I know how isolating it can feel.

Do you have the option to go to a psychologist counseling session on base, or is that backed up? Do you have the option to do a babysitting exchange where a friend watches Thoren one day and you watch her baby the next? Just trying to think of ways you could find some time to decompress.

Sending you a bear hug tonight. Much love to you.

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