NBR: DH job offer - what would A14 do?

lburkey21 · April 2014

My husband got a job offer that we require us to move about 5 hours away to the coast. It is a big opportunity for him as far as his coaching career goes and would probably be about $10k total more in pay than what he'd be making here. Neither of us had ever been to the area so we went down this past weekend to check it out. I wasn't overly impressed. The island, where we would most likely live, was nice and is exactly what you'd expect for a beach vacation community. The mainland city that's across the causway, IMO, was dumpy. I can't picture myself going there for anything other than the few name brand stores that are there.

Ultimately, the decision comes down to me because I think DH wants to take it - purely for the career opportunity. But I'm having a really really hard time with it. On one hand I'm super supportive of him and am so proud that he has this opportunity and if this was last year or next year I'd probably say yes. But at the same time, we just bought our house here in the fall, I really like the area that we live in, I like having the 'city' amenities and I'm really excited about the birth plans that we've put in place (FTM here - our midwife, hospital, waterbirth and doula). Selfishly I'm not sure that I want to give that up. The hospital there does not do water births and there aren't very many doula options that service that area. There is a birthing center about an hour away but I don't know that I'm comfortable with that far of a drive.

The biggest PRO to moving is for DH and his career. Another would be living by the beach (which I like, DH is just meh about) and that the island has bikepaths everywhere so it would be super easy to go for walks with the baby. After that, I really see everything else as a CON. The move would have to happen quickly as spring practice starts in a week or so. Which means DH would have to be down there for a few weeks without me (which is fine) but then camps and everything kick in right after that which would most likely mean that I'd be here, in my 3rd trimester, dealing with logisitically planning this move, finding a new doc/hospital/daycare.......everything!

I just feel all this pressure and would rather just cry.

ETA: what would you do? am I being a sucky unsupportive wife?

tamarar5 · April 2014

If it were me, we would go in a heartbeat. I'm always FOR changes that hold financial benefits. I would check into whether his new insurance would immediately cover your pregnancy- our if he has to wait 90 days for coverage.

But take my enthusiasm with a grain of salt. We cannot wait to get out of our current area and are pretty much stuck here for at least 2 more depressing, soul murdering years...

Jennicillin · April 2014

stoofewok said:

What is the cost of living like? Is the 10k going to cover any increase in cost of living you may be facing by moving closer to the coast?

This is a consideration, but if it's good for his career, he may see additional salary increase after the first year as well.

I'd go in a heartbeat! In all honesty, anytime you go somewhere different you're just not gonna like it at first. That's how it is. You don't know the area. You just have to go off of a general impression with no friends showing you the awesome hole in the wall diner, or the amazing thrift shop find, best park, etc... But you grow into all of that as you get settled. It's part of the journey.

If it's good for his career and a kick up in pay, then it's going to be good for your family in the long haul. The rest comes with time. I say the hesitation and fear is normal, but if you do it, you will likely be surprised by the results :-)

ETA: I understand the birth plan stuff as well being disappointing. But your giving birth is a very short term reason to give up a very long term opportunity.

lburkey21 · April 2014

@TamaraR4 - we're on my insurance so that wouldn't be an issue. I work from home and just need internet and access to an airport, which would be about 45-60 min away

@stoofewok - I think cost of living would be about the same, maybe slightly higher.

I also forgot to mention that we just moved here less than 2 years ago, first to an apartment and then into our house...so really, we've paid for two moves in less than 2 years. I'm not sure that we have the financial cushion we'd like to absorb the cost of another move.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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BlckRoses · April 2014

Cost of living is a huge thing. Usually the closer to the coast, the more expensive. Also, vacation communities are typically much more expensive. If it's actually a $10K increase after that, it's hard to pass that up, especially if it's a better job for him career wise.

Would it be possible for you to stay where you are until the baby gets here? Then you could have your same birth experience and amenities? Your DH may need to negotiate taking some extra leave time off to be with you. I don't know if that would work logistically. I know I wouldn't like to be alone in the third tri and possibly have DH miss the birth due to travel, but he can get 2 weeks of leave guaranteed around your due date, it might work.

It's a hard choice right now!

MandMLeona · April 2014

(Hugs) Making a big life decision in a short time is always stressful.

Some things I'd consider. Is this a stepping stone opportunity, so you'd be there a few years, or is this somewhere he'd want to settle into long term? How would turning down this position effect the likelyhood of him being offered others? How does the cost of living compare there? An island usually means more expensive food, real estate, etc...that could eat through the 10K raise in a hurry. Will you be able to find a job there (if you want one)? How supportive is the organization he'd be going to? Do they have people in place to help you acclimate and such? Being in a new place with no help would be very hard with a newborn if they aren't the type to reach out. How's the housing market where you currently live? Is reasonable to think you could sell your current house in a timely manner?

Good Luck!

tamarar5 · April 2014

lburkey21 said:
@TamaraR4 - we're on my insurance so that wouldn't be an issue. I work from home and just need internet and access to an airport, which would be about 45-60 min away.

This brings up another good point then. If you NEED the internet for your job, I would look into what services they have available and ensure that you can get the bandwidth you need. My parents didn't when they moved out of town and now they are paying ridiculous amounts so that my mom can maintain her online job. This was actually the reason DH and I couldn't take a job opportunity in Alaska while I was teaching online.

lburkey21 · April 2014

I know that neither of us would be comfortable with me staying until the baby came and DH going. He coaches high school football and I'm due about 2-3 weeks into the season and this job is for him to be the offensive coordinator so he wouldn't really be able to take any extended period of time off to come up here. We would know at least one other couple, the head coach and his wife - he is the one that is extending this offer to my husband as they coached together this past season.

After a quick google search, it does appear that cost of living is slightly higher there than where we are now. So, like you all have mentioned, I wonder how far that $10k will actually go.

lburkey21 · April 2014

@trawas01 - the southern Georgia coast

shevaCC · April 2014

It sounds like this is a "stepping stone opportunity" like another poster mentioned? Do you think he'll get to move up again shortly? I think it's really important to factor in future growth potential along with the $10K raise. If this new opportunity has more visibility and will increase your H's career options, I would take it. I think the short term turmoil is worth being in a better situation for your family several years from now.

kshare18 · April 2014

I had to make the hard decision of moving for my H's job twice since we have been married in 4 years. The last one was from Denver to Atlanta. Talk about a HUGE change in lifestyles. Although I miss our friends, house, and place itself, moving for my H was well worth it. It will get him closer to his dream job and I support that. He got a pretty substantial raise (which helped) but if it were to the beach, money wouldn't have been a factor, I would move for free! Think of it as a fun adventure for your new family to enjoy!

enigmasara · April 2014

Two things:

1. Are they willing to cover your relocation expenses? When I moved for my previous job (really big pharma company though) they paid for everything moving related & even cut me an extra check for the inconvenience of moving.

2. If you make any profit on the sale of your house, that can be written off on your taxes because it's a work related move even though you have lived there less than the two year minimum.

Beyond that I'm thinking it's going to have to be a gut feeling. Change is usually good even if it doesn't seem like it at first. Based on what you said about the cost of living, I'm not sure that the bump in his income is really going to make up for anything at all. Beyond housing prices, a lot of the beach resort towns have higher prices at grocery stores, etc too.

lburkey21 · April 2014

There would be no relocation help or stipened - it's a teaching and coaching job at a high school. He ultimately wants to be a head coach someday (high school - not interested in the college level) and yes, this would be helpful in getting there at some point. There wouldn't be any backlash persay, he has a teaching job at his current school and the only thing up in the air is who the next head coach is going to be and what that means for the current staff and what his role is going to be.

I am very supportive of him and have sacrificed/moved before for his career. I just don't know how I feel about the timing of this.

@kshare18 - we are in Atlanta now.

kshare18 · April 2014

I take it back then @lburkey21, don't move!!

lburkey21 · April 2014

@kshare18 - if we stick around, I feel like a meet up is in order!

missmiss307 · April 2014

I'm curious how long ago he applied/interviewed for the job. If it was after you became pregnant, why didn't these concerns come up before? Did you not check out the town when he interviewed?

It just seems weird to me that, theoretically, you were OK with this before but now aren't. I get that moving while you are pregnant is tough, but it seems like you and your DH should've had this discussion before he applied for AND was offered the job. If I'm understanding the situation correctly, I think it's sort of a crappy move to yank the rug out from under him when he has a really good job offer in hand. And a $10,000 per year raise for a teacher/coach is extremely good.

I'm sort of playing devil's advocate here, because I don't know that I would have reacted any differently. But I can tell you that my husband would be pretty pissed and disappointed if we were in this situation.

Raclla · April 2014

If I was asked to move to the beach, I'd do it while I was laboring!

I'm bias and therefore no real help. Sorry.

kshare18 · April 2014

lburkey21 said:

@kshare18 - if we stick around, I feel like a meet up is in order!

So glad you don't think I'm too crazy! I'm in

lburkey21 · April 2014

missmiss307 said:

I'm curious how long ago he applied/interviewed for the job. If it was after you became pregnant, why didn't these concerns come up before? Did you not check out the town when he interviewed?

It just seems weird to me that, theoretically, you were OK with this before but now aren't. I get that moving while you are pregnant is tough, but it seems like you and your DH should've had this discussion before he applied for AND was offered the job. If I'm understanding the situation correctly, I think it's sort of a crappy move to yank the rug out from under him when he has a really good job offer in hand. And a $10,000 per year raise for a teacher/coach is extremely good.

I'm sort of playing devil's advocate here, because I don't know that I would have reacted any differently. But I can tell you that my husband would be pretty pissed and disappointed if we were in this situation.

This is not how it happened. The new head coach extended the offer to my husband just last week as he has a handful of spots he can fill on staff - there wasn't a formal application/interview/offer process. I'm sure if DH said he was interested in taking the job he'd have to meet with the principal. I've always been on the fence about it and have said from the beginning that it was going to take a lot for me to be sold on the idea.

missmiss307 · April 2014

lburkey21 said:

This is not how it happened. The new head coach extended the offer to my husband just last week as he has a handful of spots he can fill on staff - there wasn't a formal application/interview/offer process. I'm sure if DH said he was interested in taking the job he'd have to meet with the principal. I've always been on the fence about it and have said from the beginning that it was going to take a lot for me to be sold on the idea.

Is this a public school? Would your husband also be teaching? It does seem like there would have to be at least an interview before an official offer could be made, and then I think the hire also has to be approved by the school board (if it's a public school). Given the information above, if you really don't want to make the move, now is definitely the time to make that clear.

Your situation and mine are sort of apples and oranges because I've been at my job longer than my husband has been at his and also make slightly more money, so he would have to get a pretty exceptional job offer for us to move. We also both have great benefits and a great support system of friends where we live. For $10k more per year, the only place we would likely move would be closer to family (currently about four hours away by car).

Having lived in ATL for two years, how good is your support system there? Do you feel like you would have a lot of help after the baby comes? Obviously you are very comfortable with your doctor/midwife situation. Would you be moving closer to or further away from your extended families?

lburkey21 · April 2014

missmiss307 said:

lburkey21 said:

This is not how it happened. The new head coach extended the offer to my husband just last week as he has a handful of spots he can fill on staff - there wasn't a formal application/interview/offer process. I'm sure if DH said he was interested in taking the job he'd have to meet with the principal. I've always been on the fence about it and have said from the beginning that it was going to take a lot for me to be sold on the idea.
Is this a public school? Would your husband also be teaching? It does seem like there would have to be at least an interview before an official offer could be made, and then I think the hire also has to be approved by the school board (if it's a public school). Given the information above, if you really don't want to make the move, now is definitely the time to make that clear.

Your situation and mine are sort of apples and oranges because I've been at my job longer than my husband has been at his and also make slightly more money, so he would have to get a pretty exceptional job offer for us to move. We also both have great benefits and a great support system of friends where we live. For $10k more per year, the only place we would likely move would be closer to family (currently about four hours away by car).

Having lived in ATL for two years, how good is your support system there? Do you feel like you would have a lot of help after the baby comes? Obviously you are very comfortable with your doctor/midwife situation. Would you be moving closer to or further away from your extended families?

We have a good network of friends here - both of our families are out of state. However, my parents are able to drive here (about a 9 hour drive). We would be moving 5 hours farther from them - DH's family has to fly to us regardless.

ebp913 · April 2014

Your husband's career is a lot more important long term than your birth plans. I know that sounds cruel but it's true. In 6 months it won't even matter what your birth plans were but it will matter for a long long time to do what is best for the bread winner in your family.

missmiss307 · April 2014

lburkey21 said:
We have a good network of friends here - both of our families are out of state. However, my parents are able to drive here (about a 9 hour drive). We would be moving 5 hours farther from them - DH's family has to fly to us regardless.

This would be a much bigger concern for me than the hospital/birth plan.Living in a new place where you don't know anyone right after you give birth would be incredibly hard. Personally, I would probably tell my DH I didn't want him to take the job. But I also had an extremely difficult postpartum experience with DS and needed a lot of support, so having that is very important to me.

It's not a question of whether you support your husband, in my opinion; it's a matter of timing and doing what's best for your family, not just for one member of your family.

chase16 · April 2014

I'm always ready to move (I think I posted that in someone else's life dilemma recently as well). Throw an island AND more money in the deal? Hell yeah! (Although you did say you weren't sure how far the raise would go since the COL is higher.) Also the fact that your job is easily relocatable would be a plus for me. I understand where you're coming from about your medical care, and having to change hospitals and doctors when you're comfortable with the one you're at.. but I would still see more pros of moving. I know how much it sucks to pick up everything when you are JUST getting comfortable someplace else (I moved from El Paso, TX to San Angelo, TX after only 9 total months with a 12 month deployment to Iraq in the mix, then after 6 months in San Angelo I moved to Alexandria, VA.. and then after being there only 11 months I came down on Drill Sergeant orders and had to move to Oklahoma after being in VA less than 2 years). And believe me.. OK, especially Lawton, is a freaking hole. So I know shitty towns. BUT I still love the experience, all the different places around the country I've gotten the opportunity to live (Arizona and California are also on that list, plus shorter stays in GA, MO, and Korea).. It sucks making new friends, finding new places, and making a new home for yourself.. But the experiences, new people you meet.. I think it makes it worth it.

lestex · April 2014

My husband and I are in a similar boat. He hasn't gotten the job yet (interview is tomorrow) but nearly the exact same thing would happen. I love our current city, love my doctor and the hospital I'd be delivering at. I hate that if he got the job I'd have to give all that up and move to a new city in June. BUT, when I think of the financial benefits and what that means for our family and our child, it seems like a no-brainer. Accepting the job doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life there. Try it out and see how it works for you. Change can be good. Good luck!

Allison7 · April 2014

Personally, I would be okay with the move. Your birth plans are short term. Being farther away from your family is a con, but the future opportunity for YH is a huge plus. If this is a district that he believes will give him the exposure to get him a head coaching position, then that is pretty important.

It also sounds like there is no head coach at his current school, but that the current school does not plan to hire him as the head coach either - so what if the new coach decides to offer his position to someone else? Is there a risk of him not coaching at all if he stays?

Don't get me wrong, I hate moving. The whole process sucks. But if I was in your shoes I wouldn't want my H to resent me for holding him back or for keeping him in a place that he wasn't really happy with. MH changed jobs last year and having him in a position that he loves and had long aspired to be in made a huge difference.

lestex · April 2014

@missmiss307

Offers can be extended for most jobs without formal interviews.

torooji · April 2014

Personally, my H and I have moved cross country 3 times for each other's careers so this sort of thing is kinda NBD for us at this point, but if he got an offer tomorrow here's what I would be most concerned with.

1. Daycare. You WFH and mentioned needing daycare. The daycares around here are SUPER competitive and we were cutting it close getting on the waiting list for our #2 choice at 13 wks pregnant. We were too late for our #1 choice at that point. Can you get your LO in to a good daycare on such short notice, or will you need to sacrifice your career (either by leaving your job or attempting to juggle work and childcare) in order to make it work?

2. You mentioned having paid for multiple moves already and there not being much of a cushion left. If they won't cover relo, I'd want to make absolutely sure that I'm not creating financial strain by relocating right before LO arrives. Moving isn't cheap!

3. You own your home. What's the market like? If they aren't offering relo my guess is they won't offer you assistance in selling. Will you be able to sell right away? If not, can you rent it out for enough to at least cover expenses?

simplein06 · April 2014

what would you do with the house you currently own? You mentioned that you don't have much of a financial cushion to move again. After realtor fees etc would you be at least breaking even if you sold your house? Could you afford to pay in if you had to?

Jennicillin · April 2014

Allison7 said:

Personally, I would be okay with the move. Your birth plans are short term. Being farther away from your family is a con, but the future opportunity for YH is a huge plus. If this is a district that he believes will give him the exposure to get him a head coaching position, then that is pretty important.

It also sounds like there is no head coach at his current school, but that the current school does not plan to hire him as the head coach either - so what if the new coach decides to offer his position to someone else? Is there a risk of him not coaching at all if he stays?

Don't get me wrong, I hate moving. The whole process sucks. But if I was in your shoes I wouldn't want my H to resent me for holding him back or for keeping him in a place that he wasn't really happy with. MH changed jobs last year and having him in a position that he loves and had long aspired to be in made a huge difference.

THIS

As the thread has progressed I remember reading that you said there was no head coach at his current school, and thinking it was odd he wouldn't go for it there. If it's not an option there even when the position is open, then it sounds like he's hit the glass ceiling and it's time for a change if there's any hope of his career progressing.

abnelsen22 · April 2014

Hm, that is tough. I definitely feel you on not wanting to change things right now. I told my husband I'm maxed out on any more changes until after baby comes. Change is very stressful for me, and moving while pregnant is huge!

That being said, if my husband found a job that helped advance his career (which is a HUGE long term benefit), I'd have to roll with it. His long term benefit/happiness is more important than my short term stress/discomfort.

But, you might feel differently. Which is also okay. You just want to make sure you don't look back in a few years with regrets or resentments from either of you.

PecanSam · April 2014

I would do it without a second thought. I would hate having to switch my Drs. That would be my only issue. Just n/c I'm high risk and more than likely will be another c-section.

You can write the move off on taxes when it has to do with a job.

Tinkerbell084 · April 2014

torooji said:

Personally, my H and I have moved cross country 3 times for each other's careers so this sort of thing is kinda NBD for us at this point, but if he got an offer tomorrow here's what I would be most concerned with.

1. Daycare. You WFH and mentioned needing daycare. The daycares around here are SUPER competitive and we were cutting it close getting on the waiting list for our #2 choice at 13 wks pregnant. We were too late for our #1 choice at that point. Can you get your LO in to a good daycare on such short notice, or will you need to sacrifice your career (either by leaving your job or attempting to juggle work and childcare) in order to make it work?

2. You mentioned having paid for multiple moves already and there not being much of a cushion left. If they won't cover relo, I'd want to make absolutely sure that I'm not creating financial strain by relocating right before LO arrives. Moving isn't cheap!

3. You own your home. What's the market like? If they aren't offering relo my guess is they won't offer you assistance in selling. Will you be able to sell right away? If not, can you rent it out for enough to at least cover expenses?

This is my take on these situations. DH and I are also very used to moving - nearly enjoy it at this point, my biggest concern would be the same as PP's #2 & #3 - with the recently purchased home & if moving is affordable. In our current home, I know we will not be able to move without taking a loss for at least a few years (unless the new position covered home purchase/relocation package). IMO, the benefits of the new position and the positive impact to long term plans of your family need to REALLY be worth it. Best wishes!!

lburkey21 · April 2014

Thanks everyone for your input!! DH and I talked last night and I think we came to the conclusion that he is not going to take it. It's just not the right time right now. One of the biggest things is the house and not knowing if we'd be able to sell/rent it right away - we wouldn't be able to afford both a mortgage and a rental at the new place. And with the pregnancy and all, I wouldn't have the luxury of staying here for too long to wait out a sale/rental. That's just one of the multiple concerns that we had when trying to figure it all out.

He's only been at his current school for a year and if the head coach who is leaving already sees his potential to move up in coaching responsibilities, then we trust that others will as well. I was so stressed about it yesterday - cried multiple times and started getting some random chest pains. Eeek! Feel much better now that a decision is made and put our faith into it that it is the right one for our family at this time.

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