NWMR: Doing a small vow renewal ceremony- Question on drinks?

sweetsunnyc · April 2014

My husband and I eloped three years ago (2nd marriage for us both) and we have always wanted to plan a small ceremony so our family, close friends and kids could be involved. Now seems to be a great time and we have booked a venue for the end of May. This is going to be a very small event- 25 people tops. As this is a vow renewal, and we eloped before, we are footing the bill so we need to keep it somewhat affordable. It is going to be held from 2- 4 pm on the patio of a pretty little restaurant in the mountains (we live in CO) The food has been easy to plan (appetizer style), but I need opinions on the alcohol. My original thought was to purchase several bottles of champagne (like enough for every adult to have 3 1/2 glasses) and then if people wanted anything outside of champagne, they could do a cash bar. I have been told this is tacky. Is this tacky? My other thought would be to do a small drink tab for each person (enough for 2 drinks a piece?) and then anything over that would be cash bar. On top of that, I would get a few bottles of champagne so everyone could have some to toast with. What sounds better? I do not want to come off as tacky or cheap and I want everyone to have a great time. The drinks just get really expensive! Keep in mind the whole ceremony is just from 2-4 in the afternoon. THANKS!

Helenahhandbasket · April 2014

Yeah, a cash bar is not a great idea. I wouldn't want to shell out $$ at someone else's party.

What if you did open bar with just beer and wine? Or beer and a "signature cocktail"?

PSU_Texan · April 2014

Based on the time of day, I don't think you need to plan for anymore than 2-3 drinks/adult. Will the restaurant let you pay for what you open? If so, I'd maybe offer a red, white, champagne and small selection of beer. This gives people more variety and lets you chose the price point. I wouldn't let them offer any hard liquor (which is when the price starts to creep). I think most people can find something they like with wine, champagne and beer. Don't do cash bar unless you think people are really going to want to drink more than 3 drinks.

jf198400 · April 2014

I agree do beer and wine instead of hard alcohol. I can't see anyone having more than 1 glass of champagne to toast with.
Also please call it a vow renewal, it shouldn't be called a wedding especially with how long you've been married.

sweetsunnyc · April 2014

jf198400 said:

I agree do beer and wine instead of hard alcohol. I can't see anyone having more than 1 glass of champagne to toast with. Also please call it a vow renewal, it shouldn't be called a wedding especially with how long you've been married.

You're right! I edited the subject line- not sure what I was thinking

mlee116 · April 2014

K3am said:

I hate saying anything is tacky or cheap when someone invites us to an event and gives us a meal. I always like it more when the booze is free, obviously. I've been to a few weddings and been surprised with a cash bar, which was a little obnoxious because we don't always carry cash, and it would have been nice to know in advance.

As far as if it's tacky or not, honestly, anyone judging you for that decision probably isn't a great friend.

I agree. I wouldn't call it tacky...It's just not the most hospitable thing to do. I would not do liquor at all. I'd either offer beer, wine and champagne or even just champagne. Since it's from 2-4, people aren't coming to get tipsy or to party and I don't think they would expect tons of drinks.

Ditto on calling it a vow renewal instead of a wedding. Congrats either way though!

JackieB15 · April 2014

Not everyone likes champagne, so I would consider having wine and beer available as well, but I don't think you need to have an open bar. Personally, I expect a cash bar for anything beyond beer and wine whenever I go to a wedding or other large party. These events get expensive quickly and I understand that.

ss265 · April 2014

Since it's a smaller group, you probably know everyone pretty well. Are they heavy drinkers and won't be happy with just beer or wine? Or are they less likely to drink?

Go through your options with your venue. If they have a per drink price and you know that the invited crowd doesn't drink much then that might be the more economical option. If you go down this path, you can always cut it off at a specified number with the venue and after that, people have to pay for their drinks.

Now if you have a heavy drinking crowd and you want to save on costs then you could limit it to beer/wine and then maybe advertise that the party will continue at a nearby bar for those inclined to continue partying. That way you are not on the hook to pay for their drinks at the second venue and the heavy drinkers can get their hard liquor.

In my opinion given that it's a celebration in the middle of the day, beer and wine is completely appropriate.

Ago · April 2014

ss265 said:

Since it's a smaller group, you probably know everyone pretty well. Are they heavy drinkers and won't be happy with just beer or wine? Or are they less likely to drink?
Go through your options with your venue. If they have a per drink price and you know that the invited crowd doesn't drink much then that might be the more economical option. If you go down this path, you can always cut it off at a specified number with the venue and after that, people have to pay for their drinks.
Now if you have a heavy drinking crowd and you want to save on costs then you could limit it to beer/wine and then maybe advertise that the party will continue at a nearby bar for those inclined to continue partying. That way you are not on the hook to pay for their drinks at the second venue and the heavy drinkers can get their hard liquor.
In my opinion given that it's a celebration in the middle of the day, beer and wine is completely appropriate.

I like this. And maybe I'm not as sophisticated, but I wouldn't really expect an open bar at a vow renewal. Especially late afternoon. I think you have a small enough group, really, that your original plan would be appropriate since it is just close family/friends.

SunAndRain · April 2014

I would not expect a vow renewal only a few years in to a marriage period. Nor would I expect to pay to drink at a vow renewal. I would, however, very much expect alcohol to be served.

Why? While I LOVE weddings and parties, vow renewals are low on my list of priorities, even for my very cherished friends. Calling it your vow renewal implies that is it more important than any "for the heck of it" party. So if I'm compelled to be there, there better be some alcohol in it for me.

Beer and wine are great options to keep alcohol affordable. I can't think of anyone who would enjoy 3 glasses of champagne.

And for a party of less than 25 people, and if a vow renewal really is high on the list of YOUR priorities, then you really should be able to foot the bill of alcohol. It's being a good host/hostess.

KayteeGee · April 2014

LOL - I would totally drink 3 glasses of champagne (assuming it's good champagne. I love champagne!!).
That said, i agree with the PP who said you know your crowd - are they drinkers? I don't know that I'd do a premium 2-hour bar package for a 2-4pm event, just because I feel like people won't drink as much as they would at, say, 6-8pm BUT I would TOTALLY pay for the bar - likely on consumption with top-top-shelf being excluded. I guess I am old school but if you can't pay for the party, then I think you're over reaching with the party.

KayteeGee · April 2014

Oh, actually... I suppose there's a nice way to say "Champagne & hors d'oeuvres to follow" that would totally make it ok for you to only offer that.

sweetsunnyc · April 2014

Thanks for the replies everyone- offering more than champagne makes sense. I have decided to go with red and white wine and beer. And then a few bottles of champagne at the end for people to toast with.

And to the posters that have made comments about price and not being able to afford the bill- a dear family member has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and this is the time to do it. We do not have excessive funds and we do need to keep things affordable, but we do want to host a special, meaningful event that works with our budget. I also agree that having a vow renewal this early in a marriage is not something that I would have ever thought of, but it's important to our family.

Thanks for the input!

justjinny · April 2014

MH & I just threw a party for about 60 people on the weekend from 2-4pm. It was at a brewpub, so we had a tab for beer, wine and N/A drinks for our guests. I figured if people wanted a hard drink at that time of day, then they could pay for it themselves!

Our tab was less than $350 and we do have a few friends that are heavy drinkers. Even the heavy drinkers will only have 3 drinks in that amount of time and at that time of day.

I wish I would have done some sort of Sangria or special drink like others suggested. In your case I think the champagne is nice.

groovygrl · April 2014

Agreed on no cash bar and I also agree on paying per drink vs per person unless your crowd are really big drinkers. From 2-4 pm I don't think too many ppl will drink a whole lot & the per head charge is usually quite high. I am someone who enjoys some drinks at an evening wedding but would probably only have 2 glasses of wine max at something like that, and if htere was a champagne toast likely only one glass of wine. (I would have the toast toward the beginning of the event not the end, I was confused by you saying at the 'end', only b/c giving ppl a glass of champagne after possibly other drinks& sending them off to drive home doesnt seem like a good idea? maybe you meant at the en dof the ceremony which is really the beginning of the event). Plus the beginning part will be the vow renewal so it is technically less than 2 hrs that would be an 'open' bar, correct?
And re champagne- I could never drink 3 1/2 glasses of it even though I like it...and MH hates champagne and I think ppl are hit or miss on it, so I would definitely not budget a ton on champagne, personally.

sugarbear0524 · April 2014

It's in the middle of the afternoon. Who has to have more than a couple of drinks at 3 pm?

I wouldn't want to worry about anyone having too much,driving, etc. Keep it simple and pick up the tab yourself. If anyone "needs" more than that to drink in the middle of the afternoon, they are on their own.

SunAndRain · April 2014

mrsdelcastillo said:

Thanks for the replies everyone- offering more than champagne makes sense. I have decided to go with red and white wine and beer. And then a few bottles of champagne at the end for people to toast with.
And to the posters that have made comments about price and not being able to afford the bill- a dear family member has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and this is the time to do it. We do not have excessive funds and we do need to keep things affordable, but we do want to host a special, meaningful event that works with our budget. I also agree that having a vow renewal this early in a marriage is not something that I would have ever thought of, but it's important to our family.
Thanks for the input!

I'm sorry but I just have a hard time believing that with a family member in Stage 4 cancer, YOUR vow renewal is high on the list of anyone's priorities.

I realize I am being b!tchy and I don't mean to be hurtful. But, honestly, none of this computes for me.

Very sorry to hear about your family member and I do wish them comfort.

ccam · April 2014

I would do wine and beer and call it a day. People will toast with whatever they have in their hand, so you could save money on champagne.

groovygrl · April 2014

SunAndRain said:

mrsdelcastillo said:

Thanks for the replies everyone- offering more than champagne makes sense. I have decided to go with red and white wine and beer. And then a few bottles of champagne at the end for people to toast with.
And to the posters that have made comments about price and not being able to afford the bill- a dear family member has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and this is the time to do it. We do not have excessive funds and we do need to keep things affordable, but we do want to host a special, meaningful event that works with our budget. I also agree that having a vow renewal this early in a marriage is not something that I would have ever thought of, but it's important to our family.
Thanks for the input!

I'm sorry but I just have a hard time believing that with a family member in Stage 4 cancer, YOUR vow renewal is high on the list of anyone's priorities.
I realize I am being b!tchy and I don't mean to be hurtful. But, honestly, none of this computes for me.
Very sorry to hear about your family member and I do wish them comfort.

That is pretty hurtful. I don't know who the family member is, but since they eloped, I could see if one of their parents or another very close friend/family member had really hoped to see/be present at their wedding and was not able to, that being present for this ceremony would be really meaningful. I don't know if you've ever had a family member who is near death (doesn't sound that way) but priorities are not always about oneself, they are often about experiencing things they had always wanted to be present at or experience & being surrounded by the people they love even if the occasion is not about them (in fact many people might prefer it wasn't so that they're focusing on happy events not sad). My dad died when my kids were 8 weeks old and due to his cancer was never able to meet them except on skype. So yeah, MY children's birth would have been high on his priority list to attend if he could have and if he had missed my actual wedding, being present at MY vow renewal would also have been a priority for him at that time.
Geez.

sweetsunnyc · April 2014

SunAndRain said:

mrsdelcastillo said:

Thanks for the replies everyone- offering more than champagne makes sense. I have decided to go with red and white wine and beer. And then a few bottles of champagne at the end for people to toast with.
And to the posters that have made comments about price and not being able to afford the bill- a dear family member has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and this is the time to do it. We do not have excessive funds and we do need to keep things affordable, but we do want to host a special, meaningful event that works with our budget. I also agree that having a vow renewal this early in a marriage is not something that I would have ever thought of, but it's important to our family.
Thanks for the input!

I'm sorry but I just have a hard time believing that with a family member in Stage 4 cancer, YOUR vow renewal is high on the list of anyone's priorities.
I realize I am being b!tchy and I don't mean to be hurtful. But, honestly, none of this computes for me.
Very sorry to hear about your family member and I do wish them comfort.

SunAndRain- I think that it goes without saying, but you're a total bitch. Regardless of what you think, who would even make a statement like that to a complete stranger? You don't mean to be hurtful? How else is a comment like that meant to be taken? It's my FIL, so yes, this is pretty important to him. Him and MH have been estranged most of their life and he has recently come back around after his diagnosis. They are both trying to make ammends and the is something that is important to both of them. MH is his only child. I didn't put this in my original post because I just wanted suggestions on drinks- that was it. I was not looking for drama or pity.

What a terrible comment to make- you must be a miserable person hiding behind your computer.

SunAndRain · April 2014

OK, I do sincerely apologize. I did not mean to be hurtful. I meant to offer another perspective but acknowledged that this was indeed a sensitive topic. And my thoughts of comfort are genuine.

To me weddings are an event to be shared and celebrated with family and friends, but eloping is a personal an equally acceptable choice. If a couple chooses to elope for whatever reason, the chance to share their magical moment with loved ones has past. But again, your vow renewal is about you and your DH. Your DH and his father's relationship is about them. They are two separate relationships.

And comparing the birth of a child to a vow renewal is apples and oranges.

And yes, I have lost loved ones, including my own father. So I have had some life experiences that impact my perspective.

You are welcome to "hide behind your computer" and call me names and assume I am miserable (in fact I am not). But from where I stand, you are sounding more and more self-centered. Maybe the reason I bothered to say anything at all was because if my mother was dying of cancer (and she is old so thoughts of her death weigh on my mind constantly) the last thing I'd give a crap about is celebrating a life-event that occurred 3 years ago, that had nothing to do with celebrating HER life. I sure as sh!t would not be focusing on whether or not to have a cash bar at a party celebrating ME.

I'm sorry if my take on your actions hurts your feelings.

groovygrl · April 2014

If the event is meaningful to a person and something they really want to witness and be a Part of before they die, comparing birth of a child or a wedding or a vow renewal or a final family vacation or a final thanksgiving dinner or a visit to the home where you grew up or a bucket list activity or skydiving or whatever someone would like to experience at the end of life is not comparing apples to oranges, it is about the wishes oft he person who is dying and it sounds to me like his father reallyw ants to participate in this life event of his son's. Just bc it isn't something that you personally value as an experience that extends beyond the two people saying the vows doesn't mean that is how everyone else should feel and it is surprising to me that someone who has experienced loss would not realize that. Some dying people do not want to focus on themselves or their death but to enjoy their time with others in " normal" happy circumstances. Others want to do the opposite. Others don't even want to acknowledge that the end of life is coming. It is all about respecting what that person wants, not imposing what you think they should want or what you yourself would want at that point in your own life... OP it is bound to be special in so many ways, good luck!!

FemShep · April 2014

I believe that guests should never be expected to pay for anything at a hosted event. And since it's an afternoon event, I think you'd be fine with just providing champagne. But a cash bar would be tacky. Host what you can afford to host, and don't expect the guests to pay.

jess9802 · April 2014

I agree with the others that you should be hosting the entire event, including the drinks. Does your venue permit you to bring in your own alcohol? Do they charge a corkage fee? Can you negotiate with them on that if they do?

My thinking is that an afternoon event is one at which you are not likely to have a lot of alcohol consumed, especially if there's not a full meal. That time of day would lend itself well, IMO, to champagne punch, sangria, and beer as your alcohol offerings with sparkling water, coffee/tea, and soda for non-alcoholic drinks.

AZ123 · April 2014

Be sure to forgo the pre-fill on the champagne toast. A lot of venues just fill people's glasses in preparation of the champagne toast and I don't think I've ever seen anyone finish that glass of champagne (except me and any other champagne lover around me).Most people, men in particular, act like they're toasting and then ditch the glass. it is a waste of champagne and money.

Never do a cash bar. Even more so for an event that is a small group. You look extra cheap if the group is less than 50 and you aren't paying for their drinks.

Ask the venue if you can bring in your own wine and pay a small corkage fee. There's an amazing red blend at Costco right now (Lava) for $7 a bottle. No one will ever know....

sweetsunnyc · April 2014

Just wanted to thank everyone again for the thoughtful responses. I submitted my final order this weekend and we are providing red and white wine, two types of beer and champagne by the glass. Plus N/A drinks for the kids and non drinkers.

A few posters mentioned bringing in our own alcohol and paying a corkage fee- I had thought about that, but this venue requires that you purchase alcohol from them. That being said, the above options worked perfect for our budget and gives folks a few options.

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