How do you break-up with your doula?

welly01 · April 2014

Hi ladies, need some advice on sort of breaking up with a doula. With DS, I found a doula/bradley instructor. She was working on her certification, so she offered to do it for free if I took her Bradley class. Long story short, I ended up with a c-section and didn't end up using her. We had a few "reunions" with our Bradley class and we are FB friends but we don't stay in frequent contact.

Anyway, I will be attempting a VBAC with baby #2 and definitely want a doula...just not her. I want one with a little more experience but also a little more assertive. (I need someone who's gonna kick my ass in the delivery room and also offer her unsolicited opinion if interventions become necessary). As I start to look for a new doula, I'm afraid she will find out that I'm looking for another doula and her feelings will be hurt. This is absolutely silly, I know. Should I just ignore the issue and hire whoever I want and don't worry about whatever might get posted on FB (like a birth announcement, etc)? Or send her a short note when I get pregnant that I've found someone else?

aylafsu88 · April 2014

Honestly, I do not think you need to send her any information/note. Just find a new doula. If you happen to run into to your old doula and she asks just explain the situation, you want someone with more expereince since you are going for a VBAC etc. I would think that your old doula would understand and not be offended.

As for you comment that you want the doula "to offer her unsolicited opinion if interventions become necessary" just be sure that you realize that your doula CANNOT talk to medical personal about your situation and your interventions. She has limitations and cannot interfere with the doctors/nurses. What she can do is talk to you privately and offer her advice/experience on the situation. I know that my H, doula, and I decided that if they tried to push interventions on me at the hospital we would request a private discussion. This way the doula could give us her opinion/experience on the situation and then we could make an informed discision on the intervention. Maybe you should consider having something similar with your new doula.

welly01 · April 2014

aylafsu88 said:

As for you comment that you want the doula "to offer her unsolicited opinion if interventions become necessary" just be sure that you realize that your doula CANNOT talk to medical personal about your situation and your interventions. She has limitations and cannot interfere with the doctors/nurses. What she can do is talk to you privately and offer her advice/experience on the situation. I know that my H, doula, and I decided that if they tried to push interventions on me at the hospital we would request a private discussion. This way the doula could give us her opinion/experience on the situation and then we could make an informed discision on the intervention. Maybe you should consider having something similar with your new doula.

Thanks for your response. I understand that a doula can't directly deal with medical personnel or make medical decisions, etc. But I do want someone who will at least remind us (DH and I) to actual consider something before agreeing to it. I guess that will be something I'll definitely need to discuss with her to see exactly what her input, if any, can/will be. Thanks!

hlm184 · April 2014

aylafsu88 said:

Honestly, I do not think you need to send her any information/note. Just find a new doula. If you happen to run into to your old doula and she asks just explain the situation, you want someone with more expereince since you are going for a VBAC etc. I would think that your old doula would understand and not be offended.

As for you comment that you want the doula "to offer her unsolicited opinion if interventions become necessary" just be sure that you realize that your doula CANNOT talk to medical personal about your situation and your interventions. She has limitations and cannot interfere with the doctors/nurses. What she can do is talk to you privately and offer her advice/experience on the situation. I know that my H, doula, and I decided that if they tried to push interventions on me at the hospital we would request a private discussion. This way the doula could give us her opinion/experience on the situation and then we could make an informed discision on the intervention. Maybe you should consider having something similar with your new doula.

This was huuuuge for us. We did it multiple times. Afterwards, DH was talking with the midwife and she said that she really respected us for doing that - it made it clear to her that we had researched, done our homework, and were working together well.

How do you break-up with your doula?

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