baby shower ettiqutte

drae86 · April 2014

hi ladies, this question may have been posted before, but i was wondering if no one offers to throw you a shower do you just not and buy everything yourself? i can see it being rude to throw your own with expectations of gifts. DH and I orginially considered throwing a beer before baby Bbq but then relaized the amount of money we'd spend doing that for food and drinks would probably be worth more than any gifts (that sounds worse than i meant it to). I was orginially excited about do this but the lack of family and friends responses/cares has been eating at me so now i am not really feeling that...or do a meet the baby party?

I think we need to start investing in things now slowly over the remaining months because I don't expect to be getting very much at all. Thanks for any and all input and sorry if this is a repeat.

mcstrepp · April 2014

If no one offers to throw a shower then you don't have one. You still have time for people to offer. Last year it was approaching my friends due date and we reached out to some of her family to ask if they were throwing one and they weren't so we did it for her. You can definitely throw a meet the baby party after but I wouldn't expect big gifts or put registry info on the invitations.

colleenm18 · April 2014

So if no one has offered or is planning to throw you a shower then yes it would be rude to host one for yourself. If you are not really into the Beers before Baby BBQ then I would just skip that all together and maybe do a meet the baby party when he/she is here, however i would not expect to receive major gifts from this.

I would still register and then if any one ask you can let them know where too and also with many registries you will receive a discount on any products still left after your due date. Good luck and remember a lot of baby stuff is needed in stages to start with the stuff you need right away and then slowly buy the things you need for later.

Ceridwen21 · April 2014

Yes, you are correct that it is rude to throw your own shower. If no one offers to throw you one (and remember, someone could be planning a surprise), then you don't get a shower.

Meet the Baby party is fair game, but make no mention of gifts/a registry on the invitation.

Remember that lots of baby items can be bought second hand, and don't be shy to politely inquire about hand me downs from family and friends who have slightly older kids than you.

drae86 · April 2014

Well there's only two good friends that would possibly do it and one of them is a few weeks behidn me so she's out and the other is planning a wedding. I work with two dudes and the rest of my real close friends and family live no where near me. so that settles it. thanks for the info. will just start getting the necessities on my own slowly. don't have any friends or family with kids for hand me downs but have two neighbors that are looking to give away baby stuff so will check with them first. thanks ladies.

camichael84 · April 2014

If you're wanting to do the Beer Before Baby party to have a good time with your friends and family to celebrate your upcoming baby, then that's cool (and actually sounds really fun to me). If you're doing it to get gifts, then it's not. This is going to sound harsh, but no one is obligated to buy your child anything. As was mentioned before, someone could still offer to throw you a baby shower later on down the line. And if they do, great. But it is something people do as a nice gesture, not something that should be expected of them.

Slowly buying the necessities is a good idea. We're doing the same. And as a PP mentioned, you won't need everything at once and can buy as baby grows.

JD83 · April 2014

Everyone has pretty much covered anything I was going to say. I just wanted to tell @moose0512 that I'm so sorry about your father.

pbeckaroo35 · April 2014

drae86 DH and I knew from the get go that we didn't want a baby shower. I have a friend with a 6 month old, so I am getting some things as hand me downs from her (swing etc., clothes) We made a registry and started ticking things off ourselves about a month ago. Don't know if you have Buy Buy Baby by you, but you can use unexpired Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons there and you can use multiples in one transaction. I have about 10 people handing over their 20% bbb coupons every week. Between that, watching Target sales and coupons we've been doing pretty good. I have a spread sheet going and my estimated total at this point is $1,000 for all the needed items.

mrsdanielleM2010 · April 2014

@moose0512‌ sorry to hear about Papa Moose. Hugs to you and Mama Moose.

OP We aren't having a shower but did make registries. If people ask about it, we will tell them otherwise we are using it as a shopping list and for completion discounts.

mcstrepp · April 2014

@moose0512‌ so sorry to hear about your dad

kacolborn · April 2014

My dh wants to have a diaper party for the people he works with, which is mostly guys. One of them did it about a year ago and basically the whole staff, he works at a restaurant cam over for beers and hot dogs. It was just like a BBQ!

amy006 · April 2014

I would probably tell me my mom I was worried no one would throw me a shower and she would make sure it happened one way or another...but we have that kind of relationship. lol

It's not good etiquette to throw your own shower though, but I don't see anything wrong with a "meet the baby" party, as some have suggested. You may or may not end up receiving gifts though, so I wouldn't spend a lot of money on the party.

And there is still time for people to offer...a lot of times people assume someone else has it covered. When the time is nearing and there hasn't been anything yet, they may ask about it. Definitely still make registries though, because the more discounts the better!

MrsLaLaBug · April 2014

drae86 said:

hi ladies, this question may have been posted before, but i was wondering if no one offers to throw you a shower do you just not and buy everything yourself? i can see it being rude to throw your own with expectations of gifts. DH and I orginially considered throwing a beer before baby Bbq but then relaized the amount of money we'd spend doing that for food and drinks would probably be worth more than any gifts (that sounds worse than i meant it to). I was orginially excited about do this but the lack of family and friends responses/cares has been eating at me so now i am not really feeling that...or do a meet the baby party?
I think we need to start investing in things now slowly over the remaining months because I don't expect to be getting very much at all. Thanks for any and all input and sorry if this is a repeat.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but... YOU are the parent. YOU are responsible to provide for your child, not to be a gimme-pig and rely on whether or not others are going to pile gifts on you. Not quite sure what exactly you are "expecting to get" but 'investing slowly" sounds like a good plan for you.

anewadventure · April 2014

MrsLaLaBug said:

drae86 said:

hi ladies, this question may have been posted before, but i was wondering if no one offers to throw you a shower do you just not and buy everything yourself? i can see it being rude to throw your own with expectations of gifts. DH and I orginially considered throwing a beer before baby Bbq but then relaized the amount of money we'd spend doing that for food and drinks would probably be worth more than any gifts (that sounds worse than i meant it to). I was orginially excited about do this but the lack of family and friends responses/cares has been eating at me so now i am not really feeling that...or do a meet the baby party?
I think we need to start investing in things now slowly over the remaining months because I don't expect to be getting very much at all. Thanks for any and all input and sorry if this is a repeat.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but... YOU are the parent. YOU are responsible to provide for your child, not to be a gimme-pig and rely on whether or not others are going to pile gifts on you. Not quite sure what exactly you are "expecting to get" but 'investing slowly" sounds like a good plan for you.

a gimme-pig! ahahaha! that's hilarious.

drae86 · April 2014

Just to clarify, the reason I posed the question in the first place was not because anything was expected (see below) . I don't expect anything even from my parents. The reason I asked was because most of the forums I've read instructed FTMs NOT to buy stuff because you go overboard and then end up with more than you need. But I suppose I should have expected the flaming

drae86 said:

hi ladies, this question may have been posted before, but i was wondering if no one offers to throw you a shower do you just not and buy everything yourself? i can see it being rude to throw your own with expectations of gifts. DH and I orginially considered throwing a beer before baby Bbq but then relaized the amount of money we'd spend doing that for food and drinks would probably be worth more than any gifts (that sounds worse than i meant it to). I was orginially excited about do this but the lack of family and friends responses/cares has been eating at me so now i am not really feeling that...or do a meet the baby party?
I think we need to start investing in things now slowly over the remaining months because I don't expect to be getting very much at all. Thanks for any and all input and sorry if this is a repeat.

Squiddly · April 2014

drae86 said:

Just to clarify, the reason I posed the question in the first place was not because anything was expected (see below) . I don't expect anything even from my parents. The reason I asked was because most of the forums I've read instructed FTMs NOT to buy stuff because you go overboard and then end up with more than you need. But I suppose I should have expected the flaming

drae86 said:

hi ladies, this question may have been posted before, but i was wondering if no one offers to throw you a shower do you just not and buy everything yourself? i can see it being rude to throw your own with expectations of gifts. DH and I orginially considered throwing a beer before baby Bbq but then relaized the amount of money we'd spend doing that for food and drinks would probably be worth more than any gifts (that sounds worse than i meant it to). I was orginially excited about do this but the lack of family and friends responses/cares has been eating at me so now i am not really feeling that...or do a meet the baby party?
I think we need to start investing in things now slowly over the remaining months because I don't expect to be getting very much at all. Thanks for any and all input and sorry if this is a repeat.

The good thing about registries is that as you buy stuff, it gets removed from the list. So if someone does decide to throw you a shower and people do want to buy gifts from your registry, you won't get repeats of the same stuff (most of the time).

I don't think anyone was flaming you, I think they were agreeing that you shouldn't expect any gifts (that's not personally directed at you, like, "No one will buy YOU presents"). I actually think people were supporting your statements and clarifying their rationale behind agreeing with you.

drae86 · April 2014

@Squiddly, yeah DH said the same thing actually. I think i get weird sensitive sometimes and maybe that's what I expected. I don't know. Pregnancy is crazy and I can't stand not being able to control my emotions.

tgggo9 · April 2014

I have an unusual situation in which my husband and I, who got married last June in a very general Christian way with a pastor, are having a traditional catholic ceremony this coming June because it's important to my family and I that we be married in the Catholic Church as well... There was a lot of stuff preventing us from just doing it this way last year like time constraints and out of town family... Anyways, we had already booked a hall last year for this years ceremony but don't want to have another wedding reception because we've been there and done that. My mother in law and my own mother suggested we turn it into a baby shower since we have already paid for the hall and would lose the money if we don't do something... So in essence my husband and I are throwing our own baby shower, but my mom is taking care of a lot of the details... So far we have had only positive feedback and friends and family telling us it was such. Good idea to do it this way. I don't expect anyone to provide for our child, but if people keep asking if you are going to have a shower and seem interested in going and supporting a celebration of your bundle to be, then play it by ear and if you have to set it up then sometimes that's not as rude as people are making it out to be. I don't expect gifts... People have asked where we are registered so we set one up, but in general, it's a celebration for baby and not just a gift request!

mrsdanielleM2010 · April 2014

tgggo9 said:
I have an unusual situation in which my husband and I, who got married last June in a very general Christian way with a pastor, are having a traditional catholic ceremony this coming June because it's important to my family and I that we be married in the Catholic Church as well... There was a lot of stuff preventing us from just doing it this way last year like time constraints and out of town family... Anyways, we had already booked a hall last year for this years ceremony but don't want to have another wedding reception because we've been there and done that. My mother in law and my own mother suggested we turn it into a baby shower since we have already paid for the hall and would lose the money if we don't do something... So in essence my husband and I are throwing our own baby shower, but my mom is taking care of a lot of the details... So far we have had only positive feedback and friends and family telling us it was such. Good idea to do it this way. I don't expect anyone to provide for our child, but if people keep asking if you are going to have a shower and seem interested in going and supporting a celebration of your bundle to be, then play it by ear and if you have to set it up then sometimes that's not as rude as people are making it out to be. I don't expect gifts... People have asked where we are registered so we set one up, but in general, it's a celebration for baby and not just a gift request!

I have a question. If you had already been there done that, why did you book the hall in the first place?

braybee · April 2014

@drae86‌ if you want to see a real flaming over baby shower etiquette, go over to the 2nd tri board. As @MrsSparklebottom‌ said, this is the calmest baby shower thread I've ever seen!

drae86 · April 2014

I'm just a crazy person at least once a day. It happened when I was reading the bump this am and defensiveness was already up because of the boss man. I have seen a real flaming....its not pretty

Ashleyrfiles · April 2014

tgggo9 said:

I have an unusual situation in which my husband and I, who got married last June in a very general Christian way with a pastor, are having a traditional catholic ceremony this coming June because it's important to my family and I that we be married in the Catholic Church as well... There was a lot of stuff preventing us from just doing it this way last year like time constraints and out of town family... Anyways, we had already booked a hall last year for this years ceremony but don't want to have another wedding reception because we've been there and done that. My mother in law and my own mother suggested we turn it into a baby shower since we have already paid for the hall and would lose the money if we don't do something... So in essence my husband and I are throwing our own baby shower, but my mom is taking care of a lot of the details... So far we have had only positive feedback and friends and family telling us it was such. Good idea to do it this way. I don't expect anyone to provide for our child, but if people keep asking if you are going to have a shower and seem interested in going and supporting a celebration of your bundle to be, then play it by ear and if you have to set it up then sometimes that's not as rude as people are making it out to be. I don't expect gifts... People have asked where we are registered so we set one up, but in general, it's a celebration for baby and not just a gift request!

I agree with this. I know this is definitely an unpopular opinion but I don't think it's rude to throw your own shower. In fact, I know women who have done it because they didn't want anyone else to spend money to throw a shower for them but still wanted to have one! I actually planned on throwing myself one as well until I found out my niece's mother is throwing one for me (and honestly, I think my husband might be involved with the planning. neither will tell me anything about it though)

I always think of a baby shower as more of a celebration for the unborn baby and the mom-to-be than a "give me gifts!!" type of thing. I have NEVER gotten an invitation and thought "Oh I HAVE to get her a gift...." I rarely even look at who is throwing it when I get them. I'm always thrilled to get the momma something for her new baby! But again... that's just my opinion.

drae86 · April 2014

@Ashleyrfiles So def new to the whole baby thing and only been to one shower before and she sent us texts for invites so didn't have much to go on in anyway of thinking. I thought prior to TB that you were supposed to throw your own, kind of like a wedding reception because of the amount of time/work/money that goes into it I def didn't think someone did all that for you (especially since I've seen some that seem more extravagent than a wedding reception)! oh, the learning never ends...

Daisy1232 · April 2014

Hey @drae86 I'm sorry that nobody has offered to throw you a shower, it's a nice thing to look forward to. If no one offered for me, I'd probably ask someone to do it "for" me kind of in name only and just offer to do the invites and planning myself. People that come will want to celebrate you and your baby and I think that's all good.

mrsdanielleM2010 · April 2014

Daisy1232 said:
Hey @drae86 I'm sorry that nobody has offered to throw you a shower, it's a nice thing to look forward to. If no one offered for me, I'd probably ask someone to do it "for" me kind of in name only and just offer to do the invites and planning myself. People that come will want to celebrate you and your baby and I think that's all good.

@drae86‌ this is not directed at you, I think there's nothing wrong with what you posted or how you've responded since.

@daisy1232 Asking someone to throw you a shower is basically the same as walking around with a sign that says GIVE ME ALL THE GIFTS (and get other people to also give me gifts!)

You can do it, but everyone will tell you (some to your face, most behind your back) that you are a selfish and greedy person. If you're cool with that more power to you.

Nobody is entitled to a shower. Many people do not have a shower. Somehow they survive!

softsoprano · April 2014

So, I'm guessing it's not proper etiquette for DH and I to throw a Beer, BBQ and ButtCover party? (as in bring beer and diapers). I wanted to do something fun to include his friends, 'cause there really isn't any cross over in couples as far as chicks invited to the shower (does that make sense? As in, his friends don't have gf/wives to be invited to the shower). And it's an excuse for DH to BBQ for a bunch of people, which he loves to do.

Ashleyrfiles · April 2014

drae86 said:

@Ashleyrfiles So def new to the whole baby thing and only been to one shower before and she sent us texts for invites so didn't have much to go on in anyway of thinking. I thought prior to TB that you were supposed to throw your own, kind of like a wedding reception because of the amount of time/work/money that goes into it I def didn't think someone did all that for you (especially since I've seen some that seem more extravagent than a wedding reception)! oh, the learning never ends...

I've always felt like the "don't throw your own baby shower" rule was kind of old fashion. It's a celebration for a new baby, who the heck cares who throws it!

softsoprano · April 2014

singsoftkitty said:

softsoprano said:

So, I'm guessing it's not proper etiquette for DH and I to throw a Beer, BBQ and ButtCover party? (as in bring beer and diapers). I wanted to do something fun to include his friends, 'cause there really isn't any cross over in couples as far as chicks invited to the shower (does that make sense? As in, his friends don't have gf/wives to be invited to the shower). And it's an excuse for DH to BBQ for a bunch of people, which he loves to do.

Technically no, this would not be proper etiquette. They are gaining in popularity though. If you were to do something like this and you are asking them to bring diapers, I would at least supply the beer.

Is it ok to say "we'll have this beer but if you want something different feel free to bring your own"?

kirstynikole · April 2014

Sucks no one has offered to host a shower or show excitement, then again as PP have said- it is still early.

As far as necessities for baby, they truly don't need that many BIG ticket items right away. A crib, and car-seat, those are the two big items you really need once baby is born (from what I've observed with family & friends), the smaller items will add up but not be too bad if you start now. The rest you can get as baby grows and gains the need for them (stroller, swing, pack & play, toys, etc). The market is over populated now with super expensive frilly items that may be nice but not needed immediately. Try not to get too overwhelmed and hopefully family & friends will get a bit more involved and excited.

kayemgi · April 2014

Ashleyrfiles said:

drae86 said:

@Ashleyrfiles So def new to the whole baby thing and only been to one shower before and she sent us texts for invites so didn't have much to go on in anyway of thinking. I thought prior to TB that you were supposed to throw your own, kind of like a wedding reception because of the amount of time/work/money that goes into it I def didn't think someone did all that for you (especially since I've seen some that seem more extravagent than a wedding reception)! oh, the learning never ends...

I've always felt like the "don't throw your own baby shower" rule was kind of old fashion. It's a celebration for a new baby, who the heck cares who throws it!

Uh, nope. A baby shower is not a celebration of the baby. If you want to celebrate the baby, wait until the baby arrives and throw a Sip and See. A baby shower is a celebration of a new mother, and as other posters have stated, is meant to "shower" the new mom with gifts. It's not an "old-fashioned rule" to not throw a gift-giving party for yourself.

ang2016 · April 2014

My aunt just offered this past weekend and after that I had 4 friends also offer. There is still months before Sept babies are coming so someone might offer still. And you don't have a shower just to get gifts. I don't expect anyone to buy high ticket items. .. we have been buying them ourselves!

MMason12 · April 2014

kayemgi said:

Ashleyrfiles said:

drae86 said:

@Ashleyrfiles So def new to the whole baby thing and only been to one shower before and she sent us texts for invites so didn't have much to go on in anyway of thinking. I thought prior to TB that you were supposed to throw your own, kind of like a wedding reception because of the amount of time/work/money that goes into it I def didn't think someone did all that for you (especially since I've seen some that seem more extravagent than a wedding reception)! oh, the learning never ends...

I've always felt like the "don't throw your own baby shower" rule was kind of old fashion. It's a celebration for a new baby, who the heck cares who throws it!

Uh, nope. A baby shower is not a celebration of the baby. If you want to celebrate the baby, wait until the baby arrives and throw a Sip and See. A baby shower is a celebration of a new mother, and as other posters have stated, is meant to "shower" the new mom with gifts. It's not an "old-fashioned rule" to not throw a gift-giving party for yourself.

I am so glad my parent's made me read manner and etiquette books as a kid growing up. That is something more people now-a-days need to do. It wouldn't make so many of these obvious things seem so "old-fashion" when they are common sense rules of etiquette that people should be following still.

wrightpalomo · April 2014

drae86 said:

hi ladies, this question may have been posted before, but i was wondering if no one offers to throw you a shower do you just not and buy everything yourself? i can see it being rude to throw your own with expectations of gifts. DH and I orginially considered throwing a beer before baby Bbq but then relaized the amount of money we'd spend doing that for food and drinks would probably be worth more than any gifts (that sounds worse than i meant it to). I was orginially excited about do this but the lack of family and friends responses/cares has been eating at me so now i am not really feeling that...or do a meet the baby party?
I think we need to start investing in things now slowly over the remaining months because I don't expect to be getting very much at all. Thanks for any and all input and sorry if this is a repeat.

I agree with PPs that you can't really throw your own shower. But that point has been made. I'd like to point out what I bolded above as correct in my experience: I have never seen a baby shower that cost less than the dollar value of the gifts given. That sounds awkward but maybe if I phrase it this way: whoever hosts the shower will most likely spend more money on the shower she would have if she'd just bought you all the gifts from the guests. Showers are EXPENSIVE (food, alcohol, venue and table rental, invitations, supplies for games, decorations, the cake, etc), and most people are honestly not going to buy you a big, expensive gift. And yes, gift giving is the point of a shower but I'm certainly not counting on walking away from mine with the majority of my baby supplies in hand. Every new mom obv. gets a couple of big-ticket items but most of the gifts that I've seen given are not the expensive kind (still good stuff, clothes, diapers, binks, etc). And I don't think they should be or need to be expensive to be treasured. As I've said before, a gift is a gift and you say, "thank you" when you are given one. But don't go getting all bummed that you are missing out on some great gift-giving event. Even those of us who are lucky enough to be getting a shower are still going to have to invest a lot of our own money into our baby start-up costs. (As PP's said- duh! it's gonna be my kid, I'd better be willing to pay for it.)

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