were you spanked growing up?

LoriLee14 · April 2014

If you were spanked as a child, do you consider that you were abused?

Hollylb3 · April 2014

Yes, I was spanked. No, I don't think I was abused. I won't choose to use that parenting method, but like you said, in the south, it's pretty common.

jensriot · April 2014

Yes I was spanked as a kid, up until I was about 6. I don't consider that abuse for me. My perspective may be skewed because I was abused in other ways. I wasn't spanked much, probably a handful of times.

I was spanked once as a teenager when my mom caught me sneaking back into the house at 4am. It was the most ridiculous thing ever and took everything in me not to laugh at her.

penguingrrl · April 2014

Yes I was spanked, but very rarely (4 or 5 times ever). While I wouldn't say it was abusive the way my mom used it (only for extreme circumstances) I was raised in an abusive household (my father was verbally and emotionally abusive with me, physically, verbally and emotionally abusive with my siblings and mother) and do think the stress of the situation contributed to my mother not using effective discipline measures and resorting to hitting instead.

chickaboo1974 · April 2014

Yes I was spanked rarely. The only time I remember being spanked was when I left the yard without my mom knowing- and I was old enough to know what I was doing was not allowed. My Mom found me two blocks away- I was walking down the side of the busy street- it was the main road into/out of town and it had one stop sign downtown so most people are speeding when they go by my parents house.

No I don't consider myself as abused.

Chapter79 · April 2014

I was spanked (FYI, I do NOT agree this is a southern thing. I live in NY. There's a spanker across the street, and I've seen it plenty here).

I don't believe it was abusive in the form my parents used it as. It was VERY rare. I've asked my mom- she believes it was maybe 5-6 times my entire childhood. And she said she always cried after. It wasn't a hit.. as much as a swat.. when she lost her cool.

I don't agree with it, and we don't spank. But I would NEVER say my parents abused me.

Hollylb3 · April 2014

amy052006 said:
Where is AG with all of the research that shows spanking is related to socio-economic status? It's not a Southern thing.

That may be the case in some places, but I have friends from all socio-economic classes, and know plenty from all who spank. It's very, very common around here.

nonoemily · April 2014

I was spanked as a kid. My parents were really unprepared to have children. They definitely did it out of anger- I remember them being MAD.

I don't consider myself to have been abused, no.

Later, starting when I was maybe 11 or 12 my mom started hitting me again, like slapping me across the face. One time she pulled me down the stairs by my hair. I consider that abusive behavior. I moved out when I was fifteen, I was tired of being treated like that.

Neither of my parents has any control over their own behavior. They react from a very emotional place to EVERYTHING, and they honesty don't see anything wrong with it. They would say, "wait until you have kids and they become teenagers it terrifying."

Yeah, whatever.

countrycotton · April 2014

No. There is a differance between spanking and beating. A line can be crossed that can make it abusive. I was spanked a couple times, but was never abused in anyway, ever, at all.

CiderWench · April 2014

My mom said she "popped us" (her definition: spanked with a flat hand on a diapered butt to startle but not to hurt) each a couple times when we were toddlers to get our attention in a dangerous situation. I don't remember being spanked, nor do I remember seeing her spank any of my siblings (there was six of us). I do not consider myself abused. Later she admitted that even that was wrong, apologized to each of us, and taught us that hitting a child for discipline is not okay.

jillyjill1026sr · April 2014

I was spanked a handful of times; I wouldn't call my spankings abuse. The family down the street hit (hard) with a wooden spoon that said "Jesus Loves You" and I would consider that abuse.

Andrewsgal · April 2014

Yes I was spanked no it was not abuse. DH was physically and verbally abused it was very different than my spankings. We don't choose to spank, but I have tons and tons of other tools. While it may very we'll be regional it is also related to SES. I am typing one handed so that's all you get right now.

chelseymat · April 2014

Yes I was spanked. My mom had a pink plastic kitchen spoon she used on us. She would spank for irrational reasons like I wouldn't take a nap after kindergarden. I wouldn't call it abuse. The problem wasn't really the punishment per se but the fact that it was inconsistent at best. Some days I would do something and she would laugh or reward me and some days I would get spanked for the same behavior. It was very confusing. We do not and will not ever spank and I try my very hardest to be as constant as possible with my kids because of it.

raraavis28 · April 2014

I got an occasional swat across the backside, but it never hurt and it was rare....I don't consider it abuse. That said, I don't plan to spank at all.

Lindsay9911 · April 2014

Yes I was but very rarely and definitely not abused by any means. We choose not to spank and have found plenty of other options that work for us.

I will say that I do find it to be very common in our southern culture and not SES related. 90% of the families I know spank and we have gotten some snarky comments about it when my kids are acting up.

Lindsay9911 · April 2014

amy052006 said:
Well, I might buy that spanking is often tied to some more conservative religions and it is probably more common in places with less religious diversity.

I would agree with that.

nonoemily · April 2014

My SIL and I were talking about old ladies judging and side-eyeing us at the store when our kids act up.

SIL was saying how those old ladies forget what it's like to parent and I told her, "no they just beat their kids to keep em in line"!

And we laughed about it, but I know her mom thinks she should spank her kids.

ToastieSimons · April 2014

I was spanked. A couple of times I think it bordered abuse, my dad left bruises. He hit me way longer than I think should have been acceptable age wise. I can remember being spanked at 10-12 years old.

kcisthebombdotcom · April 2014

I was spanked as a toddler/preschooler a handful of times. I don't think my parents were abusive and don't recall it at all.

hayleydeee · April 2014

Yes, but not often. No, I wouldn't call it abuse.

rosesandpetals · April 2014

My parents called it spanking but it wasn't, it was abuse. Calling it spanking is one of the reasons it went on as long as it did -- we just told people we were spanked and they assumed it was hand-on-the-bottom spanking.

zbeesma86 · April 2014

I was spanked as a kid. Not abuse. and I lived in Ohio at the time.

I don't even remember being spanked! It was maybe a handful of times?

I don't spank.

LatteLady5 · April 2014

I was spanked and was also hit with a belt/fly swatter/spatula/random object, grabbed by my hair and thrown into the walls, slapped etc. I was absolutely abused.

I don't think an openhanded swat on the bottom is abuse but I don't spank. Before kids I thought I would but changed my mind once DD was born.

notkateanymore · April 2014

Yes, I was spanked, no I wasn't abused a and my mom is an upper middle class educated white chick.

RedInLove · April 2014

I was spanked, and don't consider what I experienced to be abuse. It was open hand, on the butt only. It wasn't commonly done, it was reserved for very bad behavior or very persistent disobedience. I'm not 'all for' spanking, but can see where in extreme situations it can get a point across. I'd swat a hand away from a hot dish, the swat might hurt a little but not as bad as the hot dish will. A spanking won't hurt as much as being hit by the car. But spanking for not taking a nap, or not eating all your green beans, no way would I do that. I won't use it to achieve submissive behavior.

caybeh · April 2014

Yes and I do not consider how my parents did it as abuse. It was never done right away, and we usually got a few warnings before they did it. My parents used a ping pong paddle. I was only spanked a few times. Just the threat of a spanking was enough to make me listen to them.

rosesandpetals · April 2014

amy052006 said:

I wasn't spanked, but yes I would completely buy that people "our" age were spanked and it wasn't abuse. It was what was done in the 70s/80s.

But I do think by now, with all of the resources available, you should know better. If you can make your way to the internet and still think spanking is ok, yes, I think you are sort of abusive.

It doesn't count as abuse because it's what was done at the time? IMO, it is either abuse or it isn't, but you can't make an exception just because they didn't know better. People were bigots in the 1800s, it was just what was done and they didn't know better but it doesn't mean they weren't still bigots.

rosesandpetals · April 2014

amy052006 said:

roses&65335678 said:

amy052006 said:

I wasn't spanked, but yes I would completely buy that people "our" age were spanked and it wasn't abuse. It was what was done in the 70s/80s.

But I do think by now, with all of the resources available, you should know better. If you can make your way to the internet and still think spanking is ok, yes, I think you are sort of abusive.

It doesn't count as abuse because it's what was done at the time? IMO, it is either abuse or it isn't, but you can't make an exception just because they didn't know better. People were bigots in the 1800s, it was just what was done and they didn't know better but it doesn't mean they weren't still bigots.

I don't buy that -- that is like saying education doesn't matter. Obviously as the long term implications and the overall effectiveness of something like spanking were studied, people learned from it.

So it's only abuse if they know it's abuse? What is it if they don't know about the studies, then? Do we just call it punishment? Parenting choices? There are people who do all kinds of fucked up things because they don't know it's abuse. It's still abuse. You learn more and make better choices, but we can't rename things just because someone didn't know better. Ignorance of the law and all that.

rosesandpetals · April 2014

amy052006 said:

roses&65335678 said:

amy052006 said:

roses&65335678 said:

amy052006 said:

I wasn't spanked, but yes I would completely buy that people "our" age were spanked and it wasn't abuse. It was what was done in the 70s/80s.

But I do think by now, with all of the resources available, you should know better. If you can make your way to the internet and still think spanking is ok, yes, I think you are sort of abusive.

It doesn't count as abuse because it's what was done at the time? IMO, it is either abuse or it isn't, but you can't make an exception just because they didn't know better. People were bigots in the 1800s, it was just what was done and they didn't know better but it doesn't mean they weren't still bigots.

I don't buy that -- that is like saying education doesn't matter. Obviously as the long term implications and the overall effectiveness of something like spanking were studied, people learned from it.

So it's only abuse if they know it's abuse? What is it if they don't know about the studies, then? Do we just call it punishment? Parenting choices? There are people who do all kinds of fucked up things because they don't know it's abuse. It's still abuse. You learn more and make better choices, but we can't rename things just because someone didn't know better. Ignorance of the law and all that.

Intent counts for something. In the 70s, you had pediatricians recommending spanking.

It does. I wouldn't judge them as harshly and definitely cut them some slack for not knowing, but it what it is whether or not they knew better.

spring_time · April 2014

I was spanked and I don't believe I was abused. In my mind, abuse is something more long term and consistent. A few swats over the entire course of someone's childhood, as most people here have indicated they experienced, does not constitute abuse. Anything hard enough to leave bruises is abuse. It is a pretty arbitrary line, though, and is better to just not have to make that distinction.

SallyAnneS · April 2014

I was spanked a few times. Open hand on the bottom (pants on). I do not consider it abuse. And i do give Ds a small swat if everything else isn't working and don't consider that abuse either.

Andrewsgal · April 2014

I honestly hate when people call spanking abuse. It makes me think you have no idea what abuse is. If you had seen even a fraction of the abuse at I have you would die. Do I think it is right? No, but I don't think it is abuse just because we have studies that back up how wrong it is. I seriously think calling shanking abuse totally negates real abuse. DH was physically abused and the horror he experienced was so far from the swat on the bottom I received.

Andrewsgal · April 2014

See I don't think there are different levels of abuse. There are different types, but to me something is either abuse or it isn't. I do think there is different severity of abuse, but it's all abuse in the end. I don't think spanking is abuse. Please don't think I am defending it I am not, but abuse? Nope.

rosesandpetals · April 2014

Andrewsgal said:

See I don't think there are different levels of abuse. There are different types, but to me something is either abuse or it isn't. I do think there is different severity of abuse, but it's all abuse in the end. I don't think spanking is abuse. Please don't think I am defending it I am not, but abuse? Nope.

What do you mean? Aren't levels and severity the same thing?

Andrewsgal · April 2014

roses&65335678 said:

Andrewsgal said:

See I don't think there are different levels of abuse. There are different types, but to me something is either abuse or it isn't. I do think there is different severity of abuse, but it's all abuse in the end. I don't think spanking is abuse. Please don't think I am defending it I am not, but abuse? Nope.

What do you mean? Aren't levels and severity the same thing?

Sorry I am not making much senses. I either think something is abuse or it isn't. I don't think there is really a grey area. I don't think the typical spanking constitutes abuse. Now when you start using objects or taking things too far into beating I absolutely think it can be abuse.

lightgetsin · April 2014

I was spanked a couple of times that I can remember. I also remember seeing my brother be spanked which was worse than being spanked myself. I don't think it was abuse but I don't spank my own kids (I have once or twice when I lost my shit but am not proud of it).

thechickencoop · April 2014

I don't ever remember being spanked or ever seeing my sister be spanked, but I'm sure we got a swat on the butt a time or 2. Honestly, we were both pretty obedient kids, and my dad had the voice which was terrifying when we misbehaved. My mom was the yeller and would also avoid situations completely. I remember multiple times as a child when she would be so upset with something she would walk out the door and yell 'one day, I'm going to leave this house and never come back!!!' No clue where she ever went but looking back she should have probably been medicated or at least in therapy. She would get easily stressed I guess, but was never a bad parent or anything, just probably depressed. Much happier now though haha; I guess raising kids was hard on her.

DH was spanked and hit by both of his parents. I don't think either of them were ever consistent in their parenting and once H and his brother became teenagers I think they lost all control. They went through a nasty divorce and I think just gave up on parenting all together. It's a shame but H has said that growing up with that experience is making him a better parent to DS.

Andrewsgal · April 2014

CnAmom said:

So then when does spanking/hitting become abusive?

This is from MI but it seems very comprehensive.

rosesandpetals · April 2014

CnAmom said:

So then when does spanking/hitting become abusive?

The entire point of spanking someone is to hurt them, right? Not a lot maybe, but sting enough for them to connect the misbehavior with pain. I think a full-grown adult intentionally causing a defenseless person physical pain is abuse. But then I think back to my childhood and I have to agree with AG that calling typical spanking abusive does degrade true abuse. I don't know. I think at worst it is abusive and at best it is a grey area.

Edit: for words.

penguingrrl · April 2014

Andrewsgal said:

I honestly hate when people call spanking abuse. It makes me think you have no idea what abuse is. If you had seen even a fraction of the abuse at I have you would die. Do I think it is right? No, but I don't think it is abuse just because we have studies that back up how wrong it is. I seriously think calling shanking abuse totally negates real abuse. DH was physically abused and the horror he experienced was so far from the swat on the bottom I received.

I am one who does think habitual spanking is a grey area where it might not legally be abuse, but I do think it's abusive behavior. I mean, if you spanked your spouse when it was non consensual it would be abuse in the eyes of the law, no question. Why is it that it's not abuse if you're talking about doing the same action to a small child?

And I did come from an abusive home, as I said before. I do feel that there are levels of severity with abuse, no question. And I do think that if doing an action to your spouse would be considered domestic violence then it is equally bad to do to a child.

vlagrl29 · April 2014

Yes I was, but not all the time. I honestly only remember a few times that i was. I don't consider it abuse at that level. No I was not abused. We were middle class.

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