Family Drama - Need Opinions
ashleylucke
member
I apologize for the long story but you will need the background info.
A few months after I got married, which was over 4 years ago. My mother left my father. He came home to half an empty house, no note, phone call or anything. My mother left without telling either myself or my brother. Just took off and assumed we would all be okay with it. I have always been a daddies girl, and I promise you he is one of the sweetest men there are. He would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need. My mother on the other hand has always been all about herself and very selfish. Growing up my parents were in severe debt because my mother would clothing shop, get her hair done, and nails done and instead of paying the bills. She still doesn't understand that, that is not the right thing to do.
Needless to say I was very upset and stopped speaking to my mother. I was very hurt by her actions. About a year ago, I decided that I wanted to try and make contact with her again. I made it very clear that I wanted to take this very slow, occasional texts/phone calls. We did meet up one time at my aunts house for an over night stay but were truly only around each other for about 12 hours. That is all we have seen of each other in 4 years.
Since then, I obviously became pregnant and I informed her of the pregnancy. She continues to ask questions all the time about the baby. When I give her information from my appointments she always says things like "that heartbeat is really fast, did you make sure that's normal?" or "He's already measuring a pound, isn't that large, you should ask if that is normal and if thats okay".
She complained that she wouldn't get to see me for Easter. I explained that we now live farther from "home" and we have started our own traditions since "the break up" happened. She said she would come to me, but I told her that my father and in-laws would be there and it would be uncomfortable for eveyone if she came. She didn't say anything to me, but apparently went and bitched to my aunt and couldn't believe I would say that. My aunt says my mother does nothing but try to get information about me and the baby from her all the time. To the point where she bugs her in the middle of the night!
Today I asked if she wanted to invite anyone to my shower (that her sister's are throwing for me) and she gave me this long list. I told her I would need addresses ASAP. She came back with a remark that I should have them. I told her I didn't and then she changed the subject and started bombarding me with questions about the baby, nursery, my husband, etc. I let her know that I feel as if she is pushing way to hard. I told her that I think she needs to have a realistic view of whats going to happen when the baby comes. She has not spoken to me since then. When she starts bombarding me and pushing for info I get so anxious I can feel my heart about to beat out of my chest. It's unbearable at times, I almost break down into tears.
I honestly (and I know it may sound bad) don't want her at the hospital when I have the baby and I don't want the baby to have a whole lot of interaction with her. I want my father there and my in-laws (who have been more of my family than she has over the past 4 years). They mean the world to me. I sadly don't want a true mother-daughter realtionship with her because I know how she can be and treat people and I don't want to expose my child to that.
How do I break this to her? I know it will crush her, but I also don't want her to think she is going to be around for every little thing. Like I said I think she needs a realistic view of what's going to happen when the baby arrives rather than waiting till the last minute when I am in labor and having to deal with everyone being uncomfortable because she is there and my anxiety going through the roof. That is the last thing I need to deal with then. (And I just want to note, I never really knew what anxiety was until all this started with her) 
Any opinions on how to deal with this are appreciated......
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Re: Family Drama - Need Opinions
You seem really clear on your wishes and feelings, so you just need to communicate them to your mom in a direct manner. As PPs suggested, maybe a letter would be a good way to do this.
My mom can be a challenge at times, and my parents are also divorced. She definitely tried to put me in the middle of their divorce and it just pushed me away from her. Sometimes I struggle with my relationship with her, but she is my mom and I do want her in my life.
I'll tell you what a therapist told me about my relationship with my mom - look at the relationship was something you have to manage. Don't expect the give and take you have with your other healthy relationships. You just have to do what you can to maintain some sort of a relationship, but don't expect it to be normal or rewarding in the way that your other relationships (e.g., your dad, inlaws, husband) are. I think that you are already starting to do this by establishing boundaries with your mom. Don't feel bad for telling her how you feel.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It can be so hard when a parent disappoints you.
She sounds a lot like my MIL. She did similar things to their finances growing up and has a way to get so overboard on anything she manages to make everything about her.
You're going to need to set boundaries and learn to be ok with her not liking them. It's more important for you to have control over your family's health, mental and physical, than it is for her to be happy with you. I know it's a hard thing to get used to.
Good luck!
UPDATE:
I decided to sit down an type out an email to get all my feelings/concerns out on the table, as well as expectations for our relationship. I told her that for now I would like to keep our communication to texts and emails, with me initiating them unless for some reason there is an emergency. I went ahead and mentioned that I would not like her to come to the hospital when the baby is born but I would make sure to let her know when he arrives and to send a picture. I went on to explain that when I feel like she is prying to much it just makes me want to totally push her away. I also told her we may never get back to a normal mother daughter relationship and this will have to be okay. There was way more, but not going to bore you with it!
After I finished the email, i read it, re-read it and finally sent. I texted her to let her know I had emailed her and thought she should read it. Her reply was "I read it". I then wrote back with " Okay, I just want you to know where I stand", she wrote back "LOUD AND CLEAR".
She may be upset and she has a right to be, but hopefully with her knowing where I stand and any expectations I have will help our relationship and keep me from feeling so anxious all the time. The email was probably a little harsh, but might be something she needs so that she understands. I already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thanks everyone for all the advice, I appreciate it.