Need advice: Husband stayed with college "friend" while in NY & didn't tell me until I asked...
amalloy1
member
Maybe it's the post-partum hormones, but I don't think so. My husband has been out of work for almost 2 years & I know it's been stressful for him, but I also know he has spent A LOT of time on the phone with his good friend from college, who I'll call Laura, on the days I've been at work before our 2nd baby was born in January. So, he flew to NY for a job interview last Thursday, & although we never discussed it, I assumed he would see "Laura" at some point for dinner or something but I didn't ask about it before he left because I was so focused on the prospect of him getting a job! He stayed Thursday night in NY & Friday morning after my daughter's toddler soccer class I called to see how things went with the interview, etc.. & he said it went well & that he was planning to see a male college friend that day before flying home Friday night. Then I asked what hotel he stayed in Thursday night because I had never asked before he left & he said, reluctantly " I stayed on Laura's couch." My heart started beating so fast & I responded that I didn't know that was the plan, because I just felt like something was up, & I definitely didn't know that was the plan... He was kind of evasive about the whole thing....& then I asked if "Laura" was going with him to see the other college friend that day & he said "yes," again...with hesitance. Why didn't he offer that information originally....if he had said, "Laura & I are going to see John" I would have been fine. But he didn't say that...
When he got home, we discussed it & he said he thought he told me he was staying with "Laura." He absolutely did not!
What would you do? I'm still so upset even though he reassured me that he loves me & nothing happened. I am absolutely not the jealous type & would never stop him from seeing his friends (male or female) but the fact that he hid this from me makes me think there was something to hide. Plus, I know they talk on the phone SO much when I'm not home, to the point that my 3 year old daughter recently very innocently referred to her as his other wife! Also, when we were first married, he always put "Laura" on speaker phone at some point during their conversations so we could say hello to each other. Now, if I come home & they're on the phone, he hangs up right away, & when she calls and I happen to be with him, he rejects the call right away instead of answering...
I just need to discuss anonymously & hear your thoughts because I can't bring myself to talk about it with my friends, or even my sister... ;(
Re: Need advice: Husband stayed with college "friend" while in NY & didn't tell me until I asked...
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
This is so stressful...I appreciate your responses because I still haven't shared with friends or my sister as I don't want to discuss if it's really nothing.
Good question about what they could be talking about. They are friends from college with mutual friends, and I know in the past she's asked my husband for dating advice when she's needed a man's opinion.... After the NY incident and me telling him I know how much time they spend on the phone (I think he thought I didn't know) I said I understand if he needs to vent about me to her, but he denied ever doing this. Could be true, but I really don't know.
As far as me being disapproving of their friendship....I honestly never was. I had close male friends before we were married and totally get that men and women really can just be friends with the opposite sex, but I stopped confiding in my male friends after my husband & I were engaged. I really have never made my husband feel that he shouldn't talk to "Laura." He's the one who changed the whole thing by not telling me when he has talked to her, & not sharing anything at all about their conversations. In the past, he would tell me things...but not anymore. & he hasn't brought her up ONCE since I re-confronted him about the whole thing last Sunday. Of course I checked his phone & he deleted all of their texts & calls in the history. Is that the action of an innocent man? Obviously we haven't talked much, which has been easy to do with the kids & some family issues that came up this week. I just can't deal with it right now but my instincts tell me he had something to hide.... & I'm waiting for him to let down his guard so I can find a text from her. This is NOT the kind of relationship I want to have with him...that I really don't trust him right now.
"I'm wondering if he's feeling crappy, being out of work, etc, and somehow feels like he can't talk to you about it? Or feels guilty that he's let you down? Just a thought that those are things he could be talking about?"
I've thought about this too....but then why did he hide the visit from me & his conversations with her. I also saw 3 pictures that were taken when they were out to eat in NY (before I confronted hm) & he has deleted those. Never even showed me the pictures or talked about their time together. I'm still kind of struggling with how to deal with this & have been careful about just losing it without gathering more information. I'm waiting for the new cell phone password--accidentally selected "send via u.s. mail." I didn't know they could print texts too. I go back to work next week & am totally stressed out & want to make sure when I choose to discuss this again, I have all the facts to back up why I'm so suspicious. I really appreciate the feedback---it's killing me not to be able to discuss this with a friend or my sister..
I am sorry you are going through that but I would be SHOCKED if he wasn't cheating.
Baby GIRL due 12/26
HELL NO
Girl, I am dealing with similar issues right now and they seem like ants compared to this..There is no way in any circumstance that I would put up with THIS. I know you don't want to hear this, but this is not healthy and it IS a form of cheating. PM me if you need somebody to talk to. All the hugs
ETA Holy shit this gets my heart racing hearing stuff like this.Married 9/28/13 Not TTC but I will love the ladies of the TTGP board forever
Every time I see this dog, I want it.
TTGP April siggy challenge
Turbo Man
Thank you SO much for your comments. I have a question about the cell phone bill & getting the history. The bill is in his name & under his credit card info (everything else except our mortgage is under mine). Once I get the new password, will their be an area I can select to see the cell phone history? & the texts? I'm thinking it may not be so easy to get that information.
Also, he did not get the job he interviewed for. They told him on Monday...
Obviously you need to sit down (without children) and have an open discussion (not interrogation) about boundries and what you both expect out of your relationship.
It is very likely that he see's nothing wrong with what he has or has not been doing. Guys don't think like girls remember? Also I would suggest you have that discussion before you go digging in his cell records. By deleting things it sounds like he is starting to realize that he has been doing something that he knows that you would not approve of.
Spotco2~you're a Daddy? It helps to read your perspective, but do guys really think that differently? I haven't brought it up again & I think he thinks that it isn't an issue anymore. It's on my mind every day but I just don't want to have another discussion until I have more information to support the reasons for my suspicions.
& for the record again, I'm really not the jealous type. I was absolutely fine with their relationship before, but the fact that he started hiding things from me & not sharing AT ALL when I now know they talked almost every day is what got me worrying. Plus all the new incident with the NY trip.
Thanks again for being my anonymous support group...
Do guys really think that differently? Damn right they do. Men are idiots and women are neurotic when it comes to emotions and relationships.
Most guys follow in their fathers footsteps and learn how to handle a relationship from watching them and their mother growing up. The problem is now days we have so many families that split up, separate, divorce, cheat, split, don't know who the baby daddy really is so there's always different "uncles" hanging around wrestling with momma on the weekends, etc that there is no logical way for a guy to grow up knowing how to be a great father and husband unless somebody teaches him. This aint Leave it to Beaver anymore. Hell, all of my aunts and uncles (we're from the country down south so there's a bunch) are all happily married with bunches of kids. They all are still at the dance with the one they brought. All of us kids and cousins have been married, divorced and married again (some a few times more than others). We still ain't figured out how our parents put up with each other for 40-50 years unless it was out of spite to see which could outlast the other one.
Combine that with women of this generation watching the same thing from the other angle, the fact that most are hormonally off balance at this age and most are basically chemically imbalanced to a point of needing to pop at least a Xanax a day with a glass of wine to keep from going totally bat shit nucking futz. They all have this little fairy tale in their mind of how a relationship is supposed to be. They learned it somewhere in a Disney Princess book or something and then it got a little twisted up during the college years in their mind, so now it's more of a jumble than even they understand, yet men are supposed to magically know what it is without anybody ever telling us! Toss in the fact that women are evil little creatures that will dig up every little piece of dirt they can find about something and twist it all up in their mind until the worst case scenario is the only logical scenario they can come up with and you have a time bomb.
Now, I don't know how old either of you are or how long you've been together as a couple or as man and wife. Either way, it sounds like you have not been emotionally together for very long (under 10 years and 7 if you're lucky). Y'all need to sit down and have a serious discussion about privacy, boundaries and what you each expect out of your lives together as husband and wife. I never did that with my first wife and I should have. I made damn sure I did it with my current wife and it was one of the hardest things we ever did together.
Get a couple of notebooks and pens and boxes of tissue and plan for an evening of laying it all out on the line. Both of your emotions are going to run wild. You're going to learn things about each other that you never knew. You're going to want to stab each other in the eye at some point and you're both going to be crying so hard that all you can do is write notes back and forth, but you're going to learn about each other. You're going to learn what he thinks is right and wrong and in return you need to explain to him what you think is right or wrong and try to find some common grounds. You're going to have to ask each other what makes you trust each other and why it matters so much. Trust is the hardest thing to gain in another person and without it a relationship will not last. Once trust is lost, it's the single hardest thing that one can regain from another human because that emotional hurt will always be in the back of your mind making you think of all the nasty "what if's".
Sorry if this has gone off on a few tangents and was a little long winded, but I've been there and done that. I know what it's like to be hurt by someone that you gave your full heart to and trusted with your emotions only to have them crushed. Sadly, I've also been on the other other end also. Until you lay it all out on the line and both know your expectations (as well as what you will tolerate and what you will not), you'll never be completely happy.
The ultimate worst thing that can happen is you find out that the person that you loved with all of your heart has done something despicable and then you have to look at your overall relationship and see if you are willing to live with it and forgive them or not. At least you will know where you stand and will be able to move forward with a clean slate.
Real nice.
:P
:P
Um.....NOPE. Not at all.
You're just an ass.
Totally lurking but THIS. Even if he's never slept with her, he IS cheating. I'd be packing his bags so he could go live on Laura's "couch."