Toddler sleep HELP!!

99frontier · April 2014

XP on Aug '14 and Aug '12 boards.

DS is almost 20 months old. He has never been a good sleeper. Finally, when he turned around a year old, we took down the crib & I began co-sleeping with him (queen bed in his room w/bedrail) so we could both get more rest. He nurses to sleep for his nap & nurses before bed (but not to sleep) for bedtime. My boobs have become his lovey (he likes to just reach his hand in my shirt, then he’s suddenly comforted).

His major issue is that he needs ME to fall asleep. He has never been able to go down for bed unless I am in the room with him, right by the bed. I tried Ferber (HATED it…CIO is NOT for us) when he was around 9 months. I tried a version of the Sleep Lady Shuffle around 12 months with the help of a hired sleep consultant, but he started teething fiercely & when he teethes, his separation anxiety goes off the charts so I had to stop…hence the co-sleeping. For a while, I would lay down with him until he fell asleep, then he would sleep until about 10pm, then I would go to bed with him. Fine. But now, I’m 19 weeks pregnant & freaking out about what will happen when baby #2 arrives.

I’m trying to get to where he can go to bed without me so that when the next baby comes, I’m not having to leave baby #2 for 30+ minutes while I go lay down with DS until he falls asleep (DH works 3^rd shift every other month, so baby would be alone). So, I’m trying the Shuffle again, but he just will not fall asleep unless he is touching me, & for the last 2 weeks that I’ve been trying to attempt the Shuffle (haven’t gotten far), he has started waking up every 30 min-1hr after bed & will just sit there & cry for me until I go in & comfort him back to sleep.

Suggestions?? Help please?!?

vvvvvfee · April 2014

hi from august '12!

we bedshare with DS, but we are able to get out of bed once he falls asleep (he often sleeps in our bed for naps, too). i strategically arrange pillows around him-- i put one against his back, and if he's sleeping on his side, i lift up his arm and put a stuffed animal in so he has something to hug. or you could try putting a t-shirt or something that you've worn on a stuffed animal so it smells like you. i would discourage the boobie-holding. lately once DS is done nursing, i say "boobies go night-night" or "boobies have to rest" and hold my shirt down so he can't get in there to twiddle. you could redirect him onto a lovey or something.

i wouldn't stress about what will happen when baby #2 arrives. your DS will be older then and you will be able to explain more to him. a lot of people do a floor mattress for their toddler LOs in their room, so he could continue to sleep nearby, but you can explain that the new baby needs lots of nursing and needs to be next to you.

PhillyRN · April 2014

We used a sleep consultant too! DS was a terrible sleeper. What worked best for us was getting in on a strict schedule and having an early bedtime. At 20 months, DS was taking one nap a day, which started at 1. The goal for that nap was at least 1.5 hours of sleep. Then we did a 6-6:30 bedtime for a while until his sleep got on track. He sleeps very well now.

ncbelle · April 2014

Just as another perspective…when Eleanor was born, I still needed to sit with Callum as he fell asleep. I had solo bedtime often as DH works nights - I just took Eleanor with me and either nursed or wore her. Callum grew out of the need on his own (can't remember exactly when but he's 5 now and just pops to sleep!).

ncbelle · April 2014

Oh and #3 is due in June and I still sit with E as she falls asleep with no plans to change that until she just out grows the need. So it is possible to juggle both kids.

nosoup4u · April 2014

Yep, what ncbelle said. I had both kids by myself once a week when DS2 was little, and I'd sit in DS1's room and nurse the baby while he fell asleep. Worst case scenario, you can lie in the middle with one on each side.

DS1 was a crummy sleeper for ages. Both my kids were much more consistent and able to go to sleep on their own (without nursing) by about 2.5. It sounds trite, but it'll work itself out, try not to be overly stressed about it.

99frontier · April 2014

I love you ladies!! I was getting very discouraged at all the "you need to let him CIO" advise because I have no intention of putting him (or myself) through that hell again! The wearing/nursing baby while sitting with DS is great! I hadn't thought of that!! Thank you all so much!!

veetveet · April 2014

We went thru hell.... until we did CIO (sorry). It was hard and it sucked for about a week. We did the "gentler" version I guess. We'd sit in the room, lay her back down, pat her back. She was also still in a crib and 13 months so it was a little easier. CIO was our last resort. We were at our wits end.

pixieprincss · April 2014

I found that this wasn't an issue until DS2 was maybe 6 months or older. In the sleep-whenever phase of babyhood, I'd just bring baby in with me to get DS1 down for naps. Sometimes I would wear DS2 in a wrap while getting DS1 down. Other times, I'd nurse DS2 to sleep on one side of me while DS1 touches my hair or arm or ear to fall asleep on my other side. With both boys asleep, I actually got some time to myself (albeit I didn't like to go far--if anywhere--with the two boys sleeping next to each other).

Once DS2 settled into just two naps a day at 6-9 months--and those times just didn't coincide with when DS1 was tired for nap, despite me trying to orchestrate napping at the same time--we had some struggles. But, DS1 was so much older now that we were able to talk it out and try some other tactics versus resorting to CIO. We *just* got to the point where he can fall asleep without me in the room and DS2 is 19 months old and DS1 is three. Despite the struggles, we've been able to gently approach sleep with our oldest for as long as he needed. If you want to do that, too, it is certainly possible!

rae_dylanzmom · April 2014

I'm expecting #2 this fall, so was interested to read the responses to your posts.

I think the fact that you've got a bed big enough to accommodate both kids will be really helpful. I'm thinking about using our queen guest bed for DS#1 for awhile, because I don't really see a way to change DS#1's routine without it feeling like I'm punishing him.

Our DS#1 sleep routine is/was similar. We go in phases of him being able to sleep well on his own and then not so muchl. One thing that I notice is that when I lay with him in his bed (and usually fall asleep with him - like every night of my first trimester), his sleeping on his own suffers and he calls out for me whenever he stirs.

If I put the energy (and nights) into the first few steps in the shuffle/NCSS method (I think they are the same, but I got my advice from NCSS), I got good results. First, just trying not to totally fall asleep there (the hardest step). Then putting a little space between us in the bed. Then sitting on the floor with my head on the pillow. Then my head on the edge of the bed. Then my hand on the bed. You get the idea..... but putting attention to those micro-steps of the process actually seemed to make a big difference in his reaction as he stirred during the night.

I still balance my own need for sleep with my need for him to sleep better on his own, but knowing what it takes helps me deal when I get frustrated.

GL!

Toddler sleep HELP!!

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