First time pregnant at 36, abt 5 weeks along, and an emotional basket case to boot!

HazyEL · April 2014

I found out last Tuesday I am pregnant. My husband and I are excited and nervous. It's a first baby for both of us (me at 36, him at 38).

I have an appt with my family doctor this morning for a preliminary exam before I go see a OB.

My husband has sworn up and down that he would be there every step of the way.

However, when I woke him up 30 minutes ago to get ready for our early appt, he groaned and said he hadn't slept well at all (he has insomnia problems). Since I don't want him to feel bad, I suggested he miss this appt. He protested that he "wants to know." I told him he already knows I'm pregnant, this is just a prelim appt, not the actual baby doc.

He said, OK and rolled back over, offering a quiet "I'm sorry" before I left the room to walk the dog.

My hormones are all over the place right now. I feel really resentful and let down, and worry about the future when I'll need help at 3 a.m. with a newborn. Is this just a precedent he's setting?

And also, how important is it that the husband/father be there for every doc appt? I'm trying to get a handle on this.

Puckchick07 · April 2014

I wouldn't expect my husband to attend that preliminary appt. But, he has attended my first Midwife appt. with all three babies. At that one, they may ask about his medical history as well. He also goes to the ultrasound at 20 weeks.

QOTR · April 2014

Congratulations and welcome! Like PP, my husband only comes to the appointments involving ultrasounds or if we were going to learn a result of some test/screening. Most of the other appointments consist of me waiting 30+ minutes in the waiting room for a 5 minute visit.

springbeduk2 · April 2014

Congratulations! And welcome to the emotional roller coaster. Though I hope it calms down some for you soon ... though periodic freakouts are pretty much par for the course, it seems.

I've also had some anxiety about if my dh will "be there" when I need him to be - and still do. For me that's just part of our relationship and also my personality for me to worry about that and before TTC I did think about if I'd still want to do this even if I ended up being a lot more on my own than I want and I felt I did. I still worry that he won't be the support I want during labor, or some other times, but ... that's probably unfounded.

Other than making you worry about future commitment/"being there" I'd say missing today's appt isn't too big a deal (unless you have a major needle-phobia and usually have your dh with you when you get blood tests) as they probably won't do anything other than give you a pee test, maybe blood draw, and remind you of all the "don't drink don't smoke" stuff you already know. I didn't even have a real appt. to confirm preg - just got sent for blood draws. Which I went to alone just fine. My husband has come to all but 2 other appointments with me but that's partly because his work schedule is really flexible so it wasn't hard for him to (other than those 2 which we couldn't get a time that worked for both of us for). Many would have been totally skippable, though, even with that we're seeing midwives so the appointments are a little longer than most people report with OBs and there is more education built in. On the other hand, he totally refused to go to a childbirth class so we didn't do that. He did read the book I got, though, and has been OK about doing research/reading for other stuff. He also thinks he'll want to keep the baby at home with him one day a week next school year, though I seriously doubt he'll still want to once he realized how little work he'll be able to get done! We'll see, though. And he volunteered to do some of her Dr. appointments on days he's able to work from home - though again - I'm waiting and seeing on that one. That would be a huge huge help for me, though, so I may try to hold him to that one, regardless!

If you read posts here (various boards on the bump) you will see a very wide range of husband/partner involvement.

It really depends what's important to you and what's realistic for the both of you (there end up being a LOT of appointments, so work schedules, location of the Dr. office vs. work, etc. are all factors to consider). If mornings are a bad time for him, is it possible to schedule appointments later in the day from now on? This is a good time to think about what is most important to you, though (Dr. appts, childbirth class, commitment to doing certain care after baby is born, etc.) and talk with him about that.

For appointments for him to go to with you, I'd prioritize:

- 1st ultrasound (if you have a dating scan or something like that)

- intake appointment with OB or midwife (whichever kind of healthcare provider you choose) because of what pp said about med. history and all, plus just to have both of you meet some of the people in the provider's office to be comfortable there later, even though a lot of the info there about prenatal health/care will be boring stuff you've certainly heard a million times.

- if they don't go over all the prenatal screening test options at that intake appointment, then whichever appointment they will do that at (you can ask). It's easier to have those be a shared decision if you both hear the same info than if you have to pass it along. If your husband's schedule makes it hard to attend appointments then try to get them to do that at the intake appointment unless you already feel under information overload.

- other ultrasounds but especially the A/S at around 20 weeks and if you decide to have an NT scan (around 11-13 weeks) that one too. They are just really cool to see and it's hard to explain afterwards to someone who wasn't there. Also, heaven forbid they find a problem, it's good to not be alone.

- maybe the one where you have your glucose tolerance test (or have him be on call anyway) in case it makes you feel icky and you don't want to drive home after. This is probably around 28 weeks.

- then maybe some appointments when it gets closer to time of birth, esp. if you are going to providers (like the midwives I see) where they build some childbirth education into the appointment and/or where you are encouraged to do a birth plan or have some options within their standard birth plan.

unless any complications come up, most appointments between 10 and 30ish weeks - 34 even - are probably pretty basic and boring. At least that's what I'm remembering.

Good luck, and again, congratulations!

MrsL2B · April 2014

My husband is a journalist and stays up late writing a lot, so he's missed a few 8:00 am appointments. I have no problem being there by myself when it's just yet another blood draw and weigh-in or a discussion about diabetes management. One of my OBs made a snarky comment about it once, but I really don't see why my husband should have to just sit around and be bored and uncomfortable in their hard plastic chairs for the duration of the visit. I do always make sure to ask ahead of time what every visit will include, so we know if he should be there for anything fun or scary.

moroccojade · April 2014

Well, if you want him to be there, you need to tell him that. Remember it was you who suggested that he could miss the appointment. Make your needs, expectations and feelings clear. You gave him the out, so you really can't be angry at him for that. (Of course, we always want our men to read our minds and do the "right thing" even though we tell them it is ok to do the opposite...

But it just doesn't work that way!)

As for appointments, my husband came to all of my midwife appts and US with our first pregnancy. And he will try to come to all of them this time, too. Whenever I get pregnant, I need to go to my doctor to get meds adjusted... he has never come to those appts, though. They aren't too exciting.

HazyEL · April 2014

Thanks for all your responses. I've gotten a handle on it. I told him he can be there for the big things, but he doesn't have to show up for every single appointment.

Niki99 · April 2014

Oh, God bless you, sweetie, and say hello to the hormone train! This is my second time around and I am just off the charts emotionally. Heaven help DH as I get further along! I agree with other posters that this is an area where you need to prioritize. Our first pregnancy, my hubby went to appointments where there was going to be an u/s (every few weeks at specialist, our baby was big so they are monitoring) or if thee wee test results of some kind. My regular OB check ins I just went to by myself. Especially the closer you get to delivery, when you are going every 2 weeks, then weekly... We just didn't see the point in him leaving work for those 5-10 minute appointments. It made more sense to try and save his leave for the big event. Let yourself breathe. This is a nerve-wracking time, but also a time of such joy! I was 34 when my first child was born, and now I'm 41 with the second... I know how you feel when they start tossing around those scary stats and tests and screens. Take each positive as it comes and hold on to it. God bless!

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First time pregnant at 36, abt 5 weeks along, and an emotional basket case to boot!

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