Hot Buttons...what's yours?

lorifromwi · April 2014

After a long wonderful weekend with my family and friends, I've realized that I have certain hot buttons when it comes to fostering/ adopting. That for whatever reason, I can get pretty irrationale any time someone brings it up. My big one is that "reunification is always the best and first choice". I really have a problem with this when you have a child in the system for one, two or more years without understanding where their permanent home is. A couple of years in the life of a child is an eternity. I just can't see how waiting that long for a parent to get their act together is in the best interest of the child.

I do ask that if you respond to this thread that you do not attack anyone else's viewpoint, as I'm reallly not trying to create a place for fights to ensue. I'm just figuring that there are things that burn each of us that we really can't share anywhere else.

hey_its_jenn · April 2014

The thing that really bothers me is when we do talk about adoption with extended family/friends who we don't see alot, we get "that look". It's almost of a mix of slight confusion/hesitation/uncomfortable feeling. I'm sure a lot of you have seen it.

The other thing that bothers me is when people say, "you can always just adopt". JUST adopt? If they had a single CLUE of what we have to go through and the hoops and the emotional roller-coaster that is involved in this process, I doubt they would say "JUST adopt".

/end mini rant :P

MileHighMaam · April 2014

My big issue is when people question our choice of an age range. The questions or looks of "why don't you want a baby, you will miss out on all the big milestones." "Won't older children have problems", etc.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

I have so many, but here are a few:

1. When someone asks what's "wrong" with our children or what "happened to them," because they were older when they were available for adoption;

2. When people ask me why we didn't want to have children "of our own;"

3. When we talk about the stresses that come with our children's special needs, and are told that we "asked for it," "wanted/should have expected it," or "did it to ourselves;" and

4. When people talk about how horrible the practice of rehoming is without addressing the need for more support for parents of traumatized children.

CarolinaGirl2014 · April 2014

fredalina said:

1) When people judge mothers who placed their children for adoption. "How could she just give them up?" and that rot. 2) When adoptive parents seem oblivious to the pain that their child's birth parents are going through. 3) Birth father's rights, or lack thereof. 4) People who are uneducated about any aspect of adoption or fostering but speak out anyway. Specifically those who talk about "crack babies" in a judgy and know it all way. 5) When the state manipulates mothers into signing voluntary TPR by outright lying or making promises that cannot be kept.

ALL of this! You are amazing @fredalina!

I get mad when people act like all adoption is coercion, or that AP's aren't compassionate people for being willing to take a woman's child. Adoption is AMAZING and gave my daughter a life I couldn't right now. It was a gift to her, her parents, and myself.

I get mad when PAP's tell A's mom she's so amazing for allowing such an open adoption and say that they could never do it. She is a great woman and I am thankful for her putting her feelings aside over and over again. But she's not some martyr for my sake. WE are doing this for A, and it's not been all easy for myself, either. Birth families sacrifice so much and tear open a wound over and over to be open. But it's for the child. I personally feel like all DIA's should have at least some level of openness and get angry at PAP's that aren't willing to allow that.

I also get angry at PAP's that back out of their adoption plan. I have a friend whose son's parents agreed to a visit a year and 3 letters a year and after the first year disappeared. This was after no incident. I honestly don't know how I'd survive that.

Also, A's great-aunt asked her AMom what her "real mom's" name was. I don't understand how people can still be so ignorant and insensitive.

Nice thread idea!

sgb721 · April 2014

1. OH thats so great that you're able to adopt. You must have a lot of money to do so.

2. Just watch, you'll get pregnant right after. (Umm.. no, just no.)

3. Judgement on our choices for age range and racial preferances.

4. Open adoption- Why on earth would you do that. They don't want their kid, do you really think they care to hear about them? Don't you want full rights? - I pretty much flip out!!

sgb721 · April 2014

CarolinaGirl2014 said:

Also, A's great-aunt asked her AMom what her "real mom's" name was. I don't understand how people can still be so ignorant and insensitive.

Nice thread idea!

^^^ I know that question is going to make me really upset, I just haven't had to deal with it yet. I'm storing some comebacks.

Stephy129 · April 2014

MileHighMaam said:
My big issue is when people question our choice of an age range. The questions or looks of "why don't you want a baby, you will miss out on all the big milestones." "Won't older children have problems", etc.

This.

And when people ask why the kids we have are in care. Um hello why in the world is that your business?

irismorning · April 2014

1. Don't you want children of your own? (my boys are my own)

2. Are your brothers your parent's natural children? (Umm I am not unnatural.)

3. The foster care system- it seems to operate more on allowing the biological parents as many chances as possible rather than permanency for the children. (I will just go with Spooko on this one and say that it is one of my really hot buttons.)

lorifromwi · April 2014

@ all of you amazing women! Thank you all for sharing.

So many people not involved in the process can unintentionally say many hurtful things without realizing what they are doing. I try to put it into perspective that there are other complicated topics that I'm not very involved with where I'm sure I've stuck my foot in my mouth too, but sometimes it's just too much to take.

Now I'm interested in hearing what your best come back lines are for some of these!

@irismorning, I love your "I am not unnatural" comment since I've had that one all growing up since my older bro is adoptive folks bio son.

@CarolinaGirl2014, your comment on real mom it on point too...just had a co-worker hit me up with that one yesterday. Mom I grew up with is real mom, but it's funny though, as I continue to develop my relationship with my birthmom, she is just as much a real mom to me too!

@CaptainSerious and @fredalina, I always enjoy hearing your perspective on this. You just get it out there!

@Strawberryglobug, "Um no, just no." This...for so many things!

NextChapter24 · April 2014

hey_its_jenn said:

The thing that really bothers me is when we do talk about adoption with extended family/friends who we don't see alot, we get "that look". It's almost of a mix of slight confusion/hesitation/uncomfortable feeling. I'm sure a lot of you have seen it.

The other thing that bothers me is when people say, "you can always just adopt". JUST adopt? If they had a single CLUE of what we have to go through and the hoops and the emotional roller-coaster that is involved in this process, I doubt they would say "JUST adopt".

/end mini rant :P

THIS x 10000. Like its as easy as walking in a store and coming out with a baby. Flippant responses and uneducated responses about adoption really bother me.

Someone else already mentioned it, but when people imply that the children we will be adopting will be "damaged" (even newborns) or lesser in some way.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

For most prying questions, one of two responses work if I just want to shut the conversation down. The first is to smile and say, "Why do you ask?" That way, the asker usually gets the hint that the question is intrusive or can tell you if they have a genuine interest. The second is to say, "That's really personal, and we've decided to keep his story private until he can decide how much he wants to share with others." Simple, to the point, and unarguable.

For the more offensive questions, I *wish* I could just say, "How could yo say/think that?" Instead, I typically go on a rant that likely doesn't serve to educate anyone, but sure does make me feel better. If the kids are within earshot, I do my best to correct the wrong and hurtful assumption conslcisely and clearly and profess how lucky I am to be their mother.

plus12012 · April 2014

My biggest hot button- "you and your husband are such great people for adopting, what a lucky little girl" . She is not a charity case. We were the ones blessed to have been given the gift of having her in our lives.

ejrobbi · April 2014

Since we are at the beginning of this road.. we keep getting the following...

"Are you sure you are ready for that?"

"Maybe you should try on your one a bit longer" ... because 5 years and countless procedures wasn't 'giving it my all'?

"Those kids will be a lot of work" -- we are counting on that, we've been at the plate waiting for our turn for a long time, we are ready for whatever God gives us.

Ugh... all frustrating.

Dr.Loretta · April 2014

My biggest hot button topic is the ignorant assumptions people make about birthmoms. And I specify birthmoms, because I don't think people even think about birthfathers at all. They assume all birthmoms are super young, probably substance abusers, and that they gave up/gave away their children. And that all birthfathers take off as soon as they hear there's a baby on the way

I was really proud of myself last week. I mentioned to my eye dr that DD was adopted, and got the typical "was she young?", "I couldn't give up a baby" comments. I took the advice of experts/bloggers to heart and didn't drag DD's story into my answer. I told her that the average birthparent is in their 20s and that a variety of situations can make someone choose an adoption plan for their child.

Open adoption is another hot button, but most people just look at me funny because they have no idea how that works and wouldn't even know where to begin as far as strange comments.

Rxmom04 · April 2014

We had a couple of failed attempts before we adopted DS. After the first one fell apart a surprising amount of people felt the need to tell me "it was really for the best" and when we got DS's referral that "he's really a better fit for you." Because first referral was a whole 2 1/2 years old and DS was only 1 1/2? Really? I still fail to see how that year age difference really would have mattered and also would have adopted that first child in a heartbeat if he became available again even after we had DS home. He was an awesome kid and he deserved a stable family situation. I sincerely hope he got it and is happy though I still wish he was with us too.

annalisel · April 2014

I lot of these things resonate with me. I especially don't like the "lucky" statements.

Something that hasn't been mentioned - I can't stand when people say they will pray for us to successfully adopt. I know they mean well, but I feel like they are praying for something bad to happen to someone else so that we can benefit. It feels terrible.

sewolff · April 2014

It bothers me when someone implies that we've done something noble by adopting, as if we suffered to adopt. I feel kind of guilty that we just wanted a second child and adoption was the path we took. I also don't like when people say how lucky my daughter is - we're the lucky ones. And I really hate when someone mentions how much adoption costs.

justjinny · April 2014

I get bothered when people ask prying questions about DS's BM. Maybe they just don't know what to ask and that's a question that comes to mind, but seriously it is none of their business what her life circumstances are. Are they just asking to be nosy or judgmental? I don't get it. Even before I was involved in the adoption world, I never would have thought to ask the personal questions people do about birthfamilies. I almost want to counter their questions with something equally as nosy about their own family members, but usually try to just divert the conversation quickly.

My mom has told me she looks up DS's BM on circuit court from time to time. Why? I don't understand why she feels the need to keep tabs on his BM in this way. We have a good relationship going so far and I don't feel the need to know whatever else is happening in BM's life that she doesn't want to share with me. It makes me feel protective of BM and mad that others can be so intrusive.

CarolinaGirl2014 · April 2014

justjinny said:

I get bothered when people ask prying questions about DS's BM. Maybe they just don't know what to ask and that's a question that comes to mind, but seriously it is none of their business what her life circumstances are. Are they just asking to be nosy or judgmental? I don't get it. Even before I was involved in the adoption world, I never would have thought to ask the personal questions people do about birthfamilies. I almost want to counter their questions with something equally as nosy about their own family members, but usually try to just divert the conversation quickly.

My mom has told me she looks up DS's BM on circuit court from time to time. Why? I don't understand why she feels the need to keep tabs on his BM in this way. We have a good relationship going so far and I don't feel the need to know whatever else is happening in BM's life that she doesn't want to share with me. It makes me feel protective of BM and mad that others can be so intrusive.

@JustJinny all of A's Mom's family and most of her friends know all the circumstances surrounding my decision to place A. It kind of sucks that people do expect to know so much of it. Very few people in my own life know all of it because it's so painful. But I feel like if A's Mom didn't share so much of the story the family wouldn't trust me as much because they'd then assume I was unsrable. This is purely my take on it, though.

poppies717 · April 2014

This is a great post! Thank you!

We are just starting DIA from fertility treatments, so a lot of this has resonated with me. Here are some of mine:

1. "Are you sure this is what you want to do? You really should think about another IVF cycle." (Yes, because my medical decisions are solely based on emotions alone.../sarcasm).

2. Wondering "what kind of baby are you going to get?" (Um, first of all, this isn't like going to your local Wal Mart and picking out a baby. Second, what does it matter to you? This is our family)

3. "Just adopt!" (This came up a lot with our treatments. I know I'm preaching to choir here, but this one makes me seethe. My favorite part is now that we've decided to move forward, people who said #3 are jumping onto the #1 bandwagon. WTF?)

Thanks again for this thread, @lorifromwi!

JoyfulJuly · April 2014

I echo so many of these comments which have been posted above.

"You can always just adopt" yup, because it's so easy and they take everyone, right?

"Watch now you'll get pregnant"

Most people hear that we are adopting and ask how much it costs and who gets to name the baby.

***My biggest hot button was when someone at my husband's job after knowing him for about 3 weeks publicly attacked him (us) for being so selfish by adopting a kid at 30 and taking the kids away from the older couples trying to adopt. She insisted that we were disgusting human beings (her words, no joke) and said that we obviously haven't tried hard enough to have a family of our own. At this point he told her that she had no idea what we had been through as a family and she said she didn't care because she was right. I LOATHE this person now. I couldn't believe the nerve to go off like that and the lack of discretion to do so at work in front of people. She was a teen mom so shouldn't she be less judgmental when it comes to parenting?

CaptainSerious · April 2014

JoyfulJuly said:
***My biggest hot button was when someone at my husband's job after knowing him for about 3 weeks publicly attacked him (us) for being so selfish by adopting a kid at 30 and taking the kids away from the older couples trying to adopt. She insisted that we were disgusting human beings (her words, no joke) and said that we obviously haven't tried hard enough to have a family of our own. At this point he told her that she had no idea what we had been through as a family and she said she didn't care because she was right. I LOATHE this person now. I couldn't believe the nerve to go off like that and the lack of discretion to do so at work in front of people. She was a teen mom so shouldn't she be less judgmental when it comes to parenting?

I never heard this in public, but we also recrowned a lot of grief for adopting without first trying to conceive, because we were "taking babies away from families who couldn't have them and were waiting." Sure, except we adopted two older, special needs kids who were on a waiting list of their own, and not one of these "more deserving" families seemed to care or want them.

We were also asked what our "phobias were about biological children" by the Peruvian authorities before they would grant our adoption--and they insisted our answer took the form of a letter from us, a homestudy update, and an updated letter from a psychiatrist (after an initial psychiatric evaluation and report already found us for to adopt).

So yeah, I guess you could say the "fertiles shouldn't adopt" comments also set me off.

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