Parenting question for ALL on this board - Opposite sex/opposite gender influence

JGY · April 2014

Good Morning Everyone,

G (almost 13 months) is displaying some new behaviors lately, and it's sparked some discussion in our house and perhaps will lead to some discussion here as well. Here's the deal:

Lately G has been showing an obvious preference for attention from men. Specifically from physically large/strong men (there's back story to that comment, but that's not really important). For example when his Grandpa is around, which is not often enough for him to have a solid relationship established there, he clings to him and almost wants nothing to do with anyone else. The incident (not really the word I want to use but can't come up with another) that sparked this post was from when I went to pick G up from daycare on Friday - one of the men from the Facilities staff was in his infant room to fix the stereo and G would not leave him alone! He insisted upon being picked up and held by this guy. When the wonderful man would put him down, G would cling to his legs. We are lucky that our daycare employs only full-time staff, so this man knows Gabe (and all the kids) and isn't some random person coming in from outside. But it started to make me think ... do we have a real strategy for making sure that G has enough male influence and interaction in his life other than us just thinking "We should really spend more time with (insert guy name here)!"?

Before TTC we did sit down and talk through the male friends and relatives that we have to try to gauge what kind of support network we could provide for a child. We have no family that is local, and the majority of our social circle is women. But we do have a number of men/male-identifying friends that we spend time with and are close to (and have expressed an interest in being a part of G's life). We just haven't put any real thought into how much time is enough time? Is it just everyday-type interaction that we want or do we want to plan specific activities? Or both? I'm not saying that we have to pre-determine who it is that G decides to look up to and trust as a confidant or guide, but I'd like to provide a framework of options and ensure that there are established relationships to draw from so that he doesn't struggle, get rejected or hurt, or (dear god no) reach out to someone in a position of power that would take advantage of him.

Do any of you have more fleshed-out plans for this than we do? I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts.

Lastly, this is where I originally placed what I wanted to be a very thoughtfully worded paragraph about sex/gender/identification/inclusion but I wasn't able to get it to be what I wanted and then I realized that maybe I didn't want it at all. Because I really want to hear about lots of different experiences/options/plans. And perhaps you all have varying thoughts on the importance (or lack of importance) of opposite sex influence vs. opposite gender influence? Anyway, have it at it, I've rambled on long enough here ....

Mystjava · April 2014

As a mom of a wonderful boy, I think it's great that G is seeking some attention from other role figures. He'll learn that there are people of both gender in his life. My dad isn't in the picture much, but my LO ( Little Bear) loves and adores him. Little Bear's preference for the males is due to his interest in what they do and he (Little Bear) knows the attention he gets from them is different than what he gets from his two moms! Kids just know when to "gravitate" to certain roles.
I would just recommend taking G out for "adventures" to see what roles male play in our society so he can obtain some kind of understanding of his life. However in this crazy world, we know some places have strong stereotyping/expectations of our genders, just go with the flow!

redrockmama · April 2014

I don't have much experience with this yet of course, but my wife and I have thought about it alot.

My niece, who is now 9, grew up with mostly women around. She lived with me, my sister, and my mom for the first 5 years of her life and with just my mom and sister until she was 8. She has ALWAYS loved attention from men and boys and gravitated toward them (most of the time). I think some of it was because they treated her differently and they were just more rare ya know? She does have a dad and now a step-dad and it seems like this has lessened quite a bit. I think more so because she is now a "tween", who knows really.

As for our plan for our kids: We don't have a ton of male friends, but are close with our families and we moved back here so that our kids would grow up near them. I haven't thought about planning specific activities and bonding experiences, just to be around them and know they are loved and supported by them. My BFF is pregnant and due a month after me. I am really looking forward to our kids growing up together and her husband being close to our kids. He'll coach them in soccer and he is just awesome with kids. I guess if we felt more of a relationship would be beneficial we would try to set up specific get to togethers to do so.

Try not to worry too much. Your kiddo is still really young and will have many opportunities to meet male role models and mentors (teachers, coaches, friends' parents).

2brides · April 2014

This is beginning to be an issue for us, especially in one of our kids who really craves the attention from men - I think by in large it is because he identifies them as being sports minded like he is and can carry on a conversation about football/basketball/soccer, unlike his poor moms who are clueless to his sports trivia games.

We don't have many male friends (and the ones we do have are fairly stereotypical gay men who aren't into sports/playing outside with him.) He adores his grandfather (FIL) who is willing to talk sports/play with him and he adores the male counselors at Parents Night Out/summer camp. I would LOVE for him to have an awesome male teacher in school.

It is hard to seek out men to be friends with our son, but we will continue to involve him in the sports he loves, with hopefully awesome coaches, spend time with FIL when they visit, and help him foster those connections where appropriate and as needed (for both boys.)

JGY · April 2014

@2brides you mention male counselors at PNO/Camp ... one thought that I had last week was that perhaps I should be UBER proactive in making sure that G has male teachers in daycare, when possible. I know that there is 1 male teacher in his center right now (in a pre-K room, so who knows if he'll even still be there by the time G is that age), and I could work with the administration to try to funnel him towards that class when there's an opening and he is ready.

Is that overthinking things?

2brides · April 2014

I don't think so...I wouldn't compromise a good teacher for a male teacher, but if he is both? Hell yea! Go for it!

So far the only male teacher they have had in school is PE - but that might change next year!

JGY · April 2014

stringy813 said:

We are both complete tomboys- we talk/play sports and take M outside as often as possible. Neither of us wears makeup or dresses/skirts unless we are going to a wedding. So we probably do more stereotypically male activities than we do female activities - yet we both completely identify as female- so I don't really know what that adds up to. We always say if she wants to do ballet and wear makeup- she needs to call one of her aunts! But she will most definitely be taken to her first Red Sox game before she is 5.

This is pretty much us as well, although I do wear dresses and makeup. But we were both competitive rugby players (among other sports) and my wife works in collegiate athletics. My entire family is VERY outdoorsy. G will have no shortage of exposure to "Male" activities which I think is great.

I just had this vision on the way home Friday, that gave me chills. I saw Gabe as a teenager, feeling isolated, alone, and confused because he didn't have a parent that he could relate to 100%. And in this vision he was very resentful about the family that he was born into. Obviously this was an overreaction and I know that the simple fact that we're thinking about these things means we will probably do what we need to do to make sure he has the support network that he needs. But still, it made me all squirmy.

2brides · April 2014

I just had this vision on the way home Friday, that gave me chills. I saw Gabe as a teenager, feeling isolated, alone, and confused because he didn't have a parent that he could relate to 100%. And in this vision he was very resentful about the family that he was born into. Obviously this was an overreaction and I know that the simple fact that we're thinking about these things means we will probably do what we need to do to make sure he has the support network that he needs. But still, it made me all squirmy.

I worry about this too sometimes.

ball.and.chain · April 2014

I think about this too. My wife is actually very much on the butch side of things, wears men's clothing and loves/watches/is good at sports, so in terms of stereotypically "male" activities, we are covered (I am pretty clueless about that stuff). But obviously it is not the same as having a male parent. My dad is local and will likely be an involved grandparents; my sisters (who are also local) both are in LTRs with men, and we have a big group of local friends who are mostly straight couples, so that obviously includes men. At least at the beginning, I think we are just going to go with those people who are just normally part of our lives and see how it goes. Whether we make more of an effort than that will depend on him and whether he seems to need/desire more male interaction.

doodah1013 · April 2014

2brides said:

I just had this vision on the way home Friday, that gave me chills. I saw Gabe as a teenager, feeling isolated, alone, and confused because he didn't have a parent that he could relate to 100%. And in this vision he was very resentful about the family that he was born into. Obviously this was an overreaction and I know that the simple fact that we're thinking about these things means we will probably do what we need to do to make sure he has the support network that he needs. But still, it made me all squirmy.

I worry about this too sometimes.

I don't currently have kids... But spend a lot of time with them... I also had an interesting time growing up in a house where neither my mother nor my father grew up with similar genders to myself.

First advice is, teenagers are going to be sullen and bitter about something... Just make sure you are supporting them through these times and looking for ways for them to healthily express their feelings about society's "othering"
of our families. More than gender, I find it will be important for many of us to really show out children the tools they have to express themselves when they are feeling uncomfortable, or questioning or frustrated.

Kids are interesting. They like weird stuff... My niece (who is 1 and a half) is drawn to balls. This doesn't necessarily mean she is going to grow up to be a professional athlete. It just means in that moment, there is something there that she enjoys the presence of. This may pass, and it may not. But if we take it upon ourselves to think that this cue means she wants to be an athlete and so we take it upon ourselves to foster a like for sports, then our desire to read what maybe a somewhat meaningless action, actually shapes future decisions.... Does that make sense?

As for growing up being differently gendered from your parents... My Dad is pretty much a stereotypical man... And my Mom for the most part fulfills the role of stereotypical female. I am neither of these things. I ended up right in the middle. And Yes... This is hard. But not because of who they are, but because of their misunderstanding of who I am. Not having someone's mold to follow was the opposite of the problem for me... The problem was my parents trying to put me in a mold I didn't fit into.

I think the key is letting your child know they can be who they want... And they can be a mix of all these preconceived notions of male and female. Thay can love ballet an baseball! So then the key becomes figuring out what interests your child has, and making sure they have someone in their life that can foster that passion. If they love tractors, and you don't know anything about tractors, then you can learn about them, or find someone who does know (male, female, or otherwise!)

Hope my rambling helps

2brides · April 2014

Thanks. Yes, I know. We foster the things they are interested in (sports/theater/dance/video games) by enrolling them in classes, taking them to events, buying books, etc. I've started to learn too. We completely let them be whoever they are supposed to be/want to be. I think for my son, it is about idenfying men with sport, but only because we don't have any women in our lives who are as into sports as he is.

And I know that teens are teens and aren't thrilled with whatever circumstances they are presented with.

I can't wait.

Yes, I worry about this, but I also worry about bullying, having his heart broken, getting his feelings hurt....worrying...it is part of parenting.

Jazibel · April 2014

I totally get this concern, its one EV and I talked about pre-kids, and have brought up since. We want Kaden to have a true diversity of experiences within his community, which includes have male-identified folks in his life.

Our son seems to love being around men too (and women, and people in general). But since people act differently from one another, I think he has a curiosity and affinity to the more stereotypical male presences in his life. Perhaps its the different energy, deep voice, particular hormones - I don't know. Recently he followed the cable install person around who was an older, kind male. He wore a tool belt, and had a soft deep voice. Kaden wanted to hold his hand, touch his tools, and watch what he was doing. Conversely at our birthing class this weekend, he was obsessed (I mean obsessed) with the other pregnant woman's 8-month pregnant belly. He touched her belly, pulled her shirt up, he would point and say "baby". She was sitting with her (calm by comparison) 3 year old son and was very patient with him as I redirected his attention multiple times.

Anyway when our brother-in-law comes over and wears his baseball hat, Kaden puts his hat on and wears it too. He loves emulating people and I think there is a certain resonance with other males. He also loves playing with (which currently means following around and staring at) other boys on the playground.

We hope to have his uncle (my BIL) involved in his life quite a bit. He'll get to know his KD as well, but more as a distant (seen 1-2x a year) uncle. We have a few friends with husbands that we hope will take Kaden under their wing. Unfortunately EV's father passed away years ago, and my father lives in AZ, but we hope to involve as many male role models as possible. We have a primarily female dominant community right now, so we have to work to provide diversity in his life.

Kaden also seems to love sports (he watches anyone playing with a ball when we're out and about). He's very active and physical and loves playing with his own bouncy balls in the yard. It's hard because neither EV or I like, watch, or play a lot of sports (we swim, play tennis, etc.). He'll get plenty of time outdoors, but some activities will have to be through clubs, camps, organized sports, friends or relatives. For instance my parents never took us camping as a family. But I went several times a year with the Girl Scouts. (My mom even chaperoned a couple of times). I know I don't need to provide everything for Kaden myself, just the opportunity to access different experiences.

JGY · April 2014

I'm really appreciating everyone's responses to this!

@doodah1013 I was definitely hoping you would chime in here, and I take your message to heart. I do sometimes get obsessed with a "Quick fix" or maybe not even quick, but a concrete answer to a perceived problem. Perhaps there is no problem at all, we just need to make sure that we're being supportive of whatever G shows interests in, and fluid in adapting when those things change.

In truth we do have a wide variety of men in our life, and if we just pay attention and listen, we'll probably be able to provide an opportunity to bond with someone who is proficient in just about any interest that G displays.

And yes, I also worry about the bullying (among other things) but I know that if we raise a competant, engaged, empathetic child, it should certainly help cut down on the effects.

Thanks everyone!

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Parenting question for ALL on this board - Opposite sex/opposite gender influence

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